Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

M said:

Logic eludes a lot of neurotypical people, and they generally lack any independent thought. 

I was once with a certain energy provider and because I had a smart meter from another company had to give a manual meter reading. I didn't know how so contacted the company.

The company basically said their customer service team wasn't "smart meter trained" so couldn't help me and then in the same breath said I was perfectly capable of finding the information for myself.

So they were expecting me to figure out how to do something they couldn't do themselves!

I lost my sh*t, made a complaint and got an apology along with £50 compensation for crappy service. This is after I tore into the first tier complaint system for not addressing the problem after they claimed  they'd done nothing wrong.

I find regular folk really hard work.

I've reached the point where I simply will NOT tolerate that level of fuckery in a job.

I've been largely unemployed, or on short term contracts ever since!

I would be exactly the same. I'm currently having a meltdown because of poor customer service at Nintendo over a £6.50 payment so I'd be a mess if it was something that really mattered to me and took up all of my energy like a work situation. I nearly CRIED over the inability of the customer service to do which to me seems like a very straight forward transaction between two consoles and two accounts on the same family group. Logic eludes a lot of neurotypical people, and they generally lack any independent thought. 

Was it really 4 months ago since I did this course?

I'm very angry and I feel completely let down today.

I'm currently in a temporary managerial role which lasts until the middle of next month. Generally I've found it ok, the feedback has been good and it's been enjoyable to get the wider picture of how the operation works. The daily meetings have been challenging (especially when there's a lot of back and forth between people) so I can leave those feeling drained. On the whole - I've been doing fine, perhaps sleeping a bit more than usual, a little more frazzled with the cognitive load but I thought I was adjusting well.

So what I'm about to write seems minor. Maybe it isn't. I don't feel I have a lot of perspective right now. 

I was asked to write a letter requesting something from another (very senior) person in another part of the organisation. To me, the ask should have come from a senior grade which I questioned but was pushed back to me and I agreed anyway. It was extra work, I took some time out, I stayed late, drafted the output which was shared and everyone agreed was ok, sent it .... and then...

and then.... it turns out that I didn't have to write it at all. Someone, somewhere else had not only written out about the same ask, it had already been replied to over two weeks ago. The response had been sat in an in-box and no-one had thought to check.

That wasn't the worst of it.

This afternoon I was advised by the person who I'm covering for about what had happened -to which I replied with a mildly stroppy message - not personal but expressing frustration at the situation. It's been a long week. I've worked late, I feel tired - I was hoping to finish on a high (or at least content) and I dropped a line to a colleague, who technically I'm managing, who apparently not only knew about the email but also about my response - which had been sent, I thought, in confidence. It's no joy intending to share something with someone only to find out they knew already because of gossip behind the scenes.

And then I shut down (actually I shut down once I'd read the work wasn't needed), but I shut down even more when I found out about the gossip. And I'm still shut down. I'm not sure how to deal with this. 

I'm angry that my time was wasted. I'm constantly being asked for output but it either gets shelved or I find out it wasn't needed because the ask was either wrong in the first place or it's been duplicated elsewhere. More so I'm annoyed that gossip took place so someone knew something before I'd had opportunity to tell them. Now I'm wondering what else has been said and what other conversations have been taking place. Probably quite a few. And knowing stuff has been said about me leaves me feeling vulnerable. 

So how do I respond to this setback? I'm going to have to figure out a way to deal with it. I feel totally disengaged, but I'm seeing a cycle. I do a lower paid job. I get bored. I take an opportunity because it looks interesting - and the money helps. I get scraped, for whatever reason. I shut down. I disengage. I quit. I start again.

And it's when I'm angry. It's all the things I know go on, that I sort-of tolerate, that when it hits me this way my thinking becomes very rigid and I become defensive. I know this is how things work. It's how people work. If I read about this in a book there'd be some great anecdote to the story, or a "lesson learnt" or a moment of growth. But there is no book, no anecdote - and I feel isolated and dumped on. Three people who all have a hand in this project and the ask know about this - no-one has apologised. I logged off this afternoon without hearing from any of them (apart from the one who directed my attention to the you-didn't-need-to-write-that-email in the first place). It's now become an issue of trust - and I've spoken to people who've been down a similar road and decided to just do enough to get paid because to do anything more gets wasted. 

There's nothing more to say. I took this as a test to see how I'd react and handle to different situations now I know what I know from my diagnosis. After today, I'm really doubting if I've got the skills or the cognitive "space" (for want of a better word) to navigate this. I'm trying to think it through but my brain has switched off along with my emotions. 

Awareness is a great solution to emotions. Anything you're aware of you're in control of, anything you're not aware of has control over you.

"Thoughts become perception, perception becomes reality.
Alter your thoughts, alter your reality."
William James

Unlearn what you have learnt.
When we first came into this world we were fearless, full of inspiration and joy. We were always taking risks, but in time we learnt to fear taking risks. Reality is no longer what it was ten seconds ago.

Feelings are conscious choices, in the past you may of been threatened, but that's no longer reality. You find yourself in a situation related and think the present situation will have the same outcome making you feel threatened even if you're not.
So the truth is people fear their perceptions, not actual reality.

Thinking about the future, trying to avoid the bad and accept what's good has the outcome of a duelistic perception. Then that duelistic perception becomes your reality whenever you leave the moment.

Awareness is a great solution to emotions. Anything you're aware of you're in control of, anything you're not aware of has control over you.

"Thoughts become perception, perception becomes reality.
Alter your thoughts, alter your reality."
William James

Unlearn what you have learnt.
When we first came into this world we were fearless, full of inspiration and joy. We were always taking risks, but in time we learnt to fear taking risks. Reality changes moment by moment, reality is no longer what it was ten seconds ago.

Feelings are conscious choices, in the past you may of been threatened, but that's no longer reality. You find yourself in a situation related and think the present situation will have the same outcome making you feel threatened even if you're not.
So the truth is people fear their perceptions, not actual reality.

Thinking about the future, trying to avoid the bad and accept what's good has the outcome of a duelistic perception. Then that duelistic perception becomes your reality whenever you leave the moment.

Oh I agree, I deal with ENDLESS changes and I bounce back after an adjustment period. I do feel very intensely about a lot of things so I do get overwhelmed, but once that feeling settled down I get straight to adjusting my routines and expectations and a new normal (cringe) emerges. 

As Autists we all ACTAULLY tolerate uncertainty very, very well I think. It's just that we perceive so much of it, that it is easy to get overwhelmed.

Remember 1. you have a technical issue with the executive side of your brain, not yer sane side. 2. Having said that truth, it is also a truism that the worst of nutters always think they are the sane ones! (and it's very easy sometimes in a room full of normies during lunchtime twittering on about the crap they do to become convinced that YOU are the only sane one. ). 

Interesting reply there Dawn. especially paragraph 2.

We are not alone it seems.

Drugs don't work. Well they do...

But there's always hideous disadvantages as well as the wanted effect, and we want a spectrum of effects anyway. The only drug Ive been able too tolerate and function reasonably well and safety under the influence of is illegal... But NT's DEFININITELY find me more acceptable of I'm a bit "baked".

I've done a lot of on/off studies of many of that substances effects on both me and my interactions with the outside world.

Prozac actually makes me more "classically evil" and dangerous. (But I felt great!)

Benzodiazepines, seem to just put reality further out of reach.

300mg of Methylone PLUS 200mg of Mephedrone taken an hour later made me stupid but happy for several weeks, tailing off into months, and completely broke a period of suicidal ideation that I was going though, for it "never to return" about 15 years ago. Probably worth someone looking into that one.

I wish I could get a clinically supervised course of adderal. I once tried amphetamine as a kid and felt "super normal", but given the dangers of amphetamine use, (and it's a way of going bonkers where you are the last to know, just like with cocaine) I'd only want to explore the benefits of that drug under supervision.

Remember Kids: People like me did things like this, so that you don't have to!

Seriously: Take heed, for every one like myself who has successfully experimented with drugs without getting engulfed in disaster there do seem to be more people who have come to grief. I've had the same experience with motorcyling I've got friends who have lost limbs trying to do the stupid things I seem able to accomplish.

Having said that, I have been struck repeatedly by how much more accurate and informative the "underworld" is when you go and by some drugs compared to your doctor or pharmacist, and how much easier it is to access timely warnings and plain english information about side effects etc, compared to teh medicinal drug pushers.

IN contrast to the illegal experience, No doctor I have ever described my prozac experience to has ever "validated" it, yet the internet is full of ex-patients who went berzerk in an orderly manner (like I did) on the stuff...

But to be fair, I've only ever participated at the recreational end of drug dealing, I understand that for the people who wish to use the really expensive and habit forming drugs the experience is very different, and much more like how it is portrayed on the T.V.. 

I underwent a course of one-to-one CBT for depression and anxiety with a NHS psychologist in the 1990s (which was about 20 years before I was assessed for and diagnosed with autism!)  After several months, when it was obvious we were getting nowhere, she refused to continue unless I agreed to take anti-depressants simultaneously.  I wouldn't, so she and her boss (who interviewed me separately) washed their hands of me.

I did try two antidepressants, prescribed by my GP, a few years later and neither of them worked any better than the CBT.  In fact, all these treatments made me feel worse.  Writing out and analysing all my problems, as CBT homework, only seemed to magnify and complicate them.  And the psychologist's recommendation that I relieve my anxiety in social or outdoor situations by silently counting in my head only made me feel I was losing my mind!

It's been worse than that actually... the whole of the MH services have written me off as "unwilling" when nothing could be further from the truth.  They seem to have a culture of 'blame the patient' if it doesn't work.  They even opened by asking me me whose fault would it be if it didn't.  I don't think that's acceptable really.

In hindsight, I think nothing's worked because nothing has ever been geared to a patient who is autistic.  I can't arrange to feel what they think I should feel, or think what they think I should think how they think I should think it.  I'd be knocking my socks off to explain my understanding of what I think is going on for me only to get: "I don't see why you think I need all this detail" (What? How can they help me without it?????) and to have that interpreted as NOT engaging.  (Go figure).

Obviously, you can't know what you can't know.  Nobody knew autism was in the picture to be fair, but you can't just write people off because the current approach doesn't work.  It more likely means it's the wrong approach for the situation, than the patient who won't co-operate. If I had a broken leg that wouldn't get better; they'd investigate further and not assume it was my fault.

Actually, I'm a bit disappointed it didn't occur to anyone, that my problems might be rooted in autism, though - I've had to figure out what's been happening to me all my life alone.

When I had CBT and found it useless it was just framed as me not trying hard enough or practising the techniques enough...

So this went into daily updates then I forgot to stop writing, so decided to put it here instead.

Weekends are too short.

I was exhausted after last week. Slept most of Friday evening and Saturday then gamed in my spare time (not the smartest of ways for me to unwind. It quietens my overactive brain but also I don't seem to relax properly).

Sunday (today) was much better. As I'm sort-of managing and in those kinds of management-type meetings (I'm covering again next week) I've dug into my book supply and started reading about leadership and teams. It's basic stuff but will give me a framework to work in. I'm not anticipating a whole load of HR stuff (I've only one member of staff, and besides the person, who I'm covering is still around and they seem quite happy to hold onto that!). 

The difficult thing is the conversations and meetings which I find absolutely exhausting. There were two scheduled ones on Thursday, each an hour, which I found almost wiped me out. So I'm very conscious of when it comes to working with data I'm in a very happy place. Numbers, graphs and all that kind of stuff - it has occurred to me that my equivalent on other teams don't have the same passion for information as I have, so where I'll make stuff digestible for other people - they'll sit there with an excel spreadsheet and talk around it (which comes onto another issue that I feel I can't learn from anyone in my corner of the company when it comes to visualising, cleansing and working with data. So in that sense-  I'm stuck).

When it comes to working with people I find that absolutely draining. So with one other - that's tough. With a meeting full of several people and all the back and forth that's really hard for me to keep track of. I was brought in to the conversation on a couple of occasions so people are conscious that I find it difficult to know when to jump in - but in terms of keeping up with what was happening, what the issues were, who was doing what - that can be a little too much for me to process. It's so much easier when there's a clear ask (or task) or when I've been given the run-down of things up front. 

As a result, every day last week I slept through most of the evening - and I don't know whether that's going to improve if I keep in this role. Another week - we'll see. But - in terms of growth, it'll give me a challenge and a reason to get up in the morning. 

Took my walk today - an hour and half, and soaked to the skin in the last 30 mins. So refreshing and again I'm reminded of the energizing power of nature and wonder why is it so hard sometimes to do the things which I know benefit my wellbeing? Other than this update, and buying a couple of essentials online, I haven't touched the PC today, so have created some headspace where I can just let my mind and emotions process and unwind - but it just seems the internal journey of "re-tuning" back to the everyday from work seems to take a bit longer than I would like.  

Second covid shot tomorrow. I've booked my own appointment this time so I don't pay a fortune in taxi's and get the time from work credited to travel to and from the vaccination centre. Buses are back to a normal timetable so although it's roughly a 45 min trip to get there with a change (10-15 in a taxi, because they take a sensible route!)  it shouldn't be too awkward for the trip. Although I could easily walk it in the same time it would take public transport (from the last taxi ride I took which was on the same route it wouldn't be the most exciting of walks).

Haven't travelled on a bus for ages - since working from home and moving to online deliveries for stuff (clothes are about the only things I actually go into a shop for) I haven't needed to. So the whole-take-a-bus-journey thing took a little bit of planning.

   You probably notice from my answers that I'm terrible at English - I do engineering english - short chunks of data without any flowery bits bolted on..      I was taught Pitman ITA as a child.       The ruination of millions of children's spelling skills.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

Because even if I cannot navigate a social situation in primary school, if I'm at least considerate/kind I will be readily offered help. 

It's one of the things we worked hard at - to instil the confidence to ask for help or let people know if things were becoming a problem *before* it was a a problem.      

One of my daughter's friends started to freak out at a Comiccon (it was packed) - but we had made sure she had the confidence to tell us and we got her out into the wide corridor area - but she said she couldn't cope with the number of people so we got her out completely - no fuss, no drama.

She felt guilty afterwards but we made sure that she knew it wasn't a problem - we went for pizza instead.

Dawn said:

The worst for me is travelling.  Don't get me wrong, I DO it.  I

Tell me about it!        I've taken autistic and partially sighted children to DisneyWorld in Florida - more than 20 times - if you can imagine the stress and the engineering required to make that happen safely for everyone.       There's sooooo much that can go wrong.

The rewards make it well worth the effort.

With you! Don't like uncertainty in events.  Makes me very insecure.  And don't like uncertainty much in concepts much either.  Maybe this, or maybe that will drive me bonkers until I know which one it is.

Plastic said:

a pathological need for certainty and predictability.

Yes! Again, Plastic.... I just thought that was just one facet of my core personality and nothing more.  I'm risk averse.  I like things planned and organised properly and find last minute changes stressful... why am I recognising so much of myself here. 

The worst for me is travelling.  Don't get me wrong, I DO it.  I took myself all over Europe when young.  I've taken myself off, all by myself in recent times, on family history trips to Ireland and Lake Como, but I am nervous all the way in case a taxi or a train doesn't turn up on time, or something is cancelled and I have to rearrange something from my careful planning en route.  I can feel the rise of panic while waiting for transport.  What if the plan doesn't work?????   Ahhhh!!!  Then, of course, I really don't like it if stations and airports are too busy.  And I won't go anywhere, where I don't speak enough of the language to know I can find a loo and buy a meal or a ticket.

Still, worth it for the beauty of that Lake.

Plastic said:

I've always found CBT is complete BS for auties - and the only reason it's still used is because we are bullied into telling them we feel better afterwards.    Our natural naive, people-pleaser nature makes us comply with these con-merchants.

WOW Plastic! You always hit the nail bang on the head.  Yes, CBT has been complete BS.  And yes I have felt that when I tell them that I don't feel better, they think I am a naughty, undeserving girl.

I don't people please mind just to be acceptable, so I won't say I feel better, if I don't.

Plastic - you and I could write a book! Or make a 'choose your adventure' parenting app! I've done the exact same - design engineer out problems, and especially incorporating these parenting elements. Phenomenology is an underrated art. Children need tools to learn and especially help thinking through life problems. The world is chaotic enough, home should have an essence of grounding. 

If I could add to your 2 issues, I would suggest a third is having an understanding of relationship and responsibility. The amount of parents who don't act like the adult- full stop. Even to internally choose kindness and dignity over being judgemental as an example to children who don't have the best social skills. Because even if I cannot navigate a social situation in primary school, if I'm at least considerate/kind I will be readily offered help.