Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Took me a while to find my own thread. 

I guess I'm posting because it's been a month since I finished my course and I'm sort of checking-in to see how I feel I'm getting along. In the whole - not as well as I would have hoped. I'm not going under by any means - but I think I could be self managing better. With the move back to my regular role - and the ensuing chaos - I've not really had time or the energy to reflect on things. As it's the weekend, and it's early, I figured now might be a good time to take advantage and write out some thoughts (seeing also on how the cat decided to wake me at half five).

Self management v self awareness

Strangely this keeps coming up in conversations with folk at work. "You're very self aware" they keep telling me, not realising that it isn't self awareness that's the issue. It's self-management. So I'm very good at picking up on when I feel lousy (after I've been floored), and what set me off, I've been doing that for years. What I'm not so good at is checking-in and taking steps before it gets to that stage.

I've had a week of sleeping through the evening as soon as I finished work. That's not self-management. That's recovering after not handling my day particularly well. When I'm busy, when I get cognitively overloaded (through social exchanges) I don't do the necessities. I don't use the mood meter, I don't take five minutes to look out the window, I don't relax and mindfully make a brew. Looking back over the week I'm reminded of the constant stream of information - e-mails, MS group teams messages, conversations about how to do things (when I've already figured that out) chewing up into the additional time I need to do things without having my brain explode.

The problem is - is that I'm used to functioning on a dysfunctional level of stress, The business of managing myself and building in the right habits I find very difficult to do when the days is churning over as normal. I liken myself to some wheel/belt mechanism where the power is turned up and the wheel keeps turning faster and faster, smoke burning off the rubber belt, and then once the power is turned off it takes some time for the wheel to slow down and the belt to become slack. I keep allowing the power (stress) to be turned up.- and it takes a long time for me to slow down and find my balance again.

Intent is everything I've learned. Rather than get up and wrestle with getting through the day - I need to spend the first few minutes of every day setting my intent. "I will nudge myself to manage myself better today" and taking an action. Be it saying to someone "I'm feeling tired - can we pick this up later" or blocking out quiet time in my diary to work on a piece of work or even just deciding to take full lunches and breaks instead of steaming on through until "there's a gap" or even just reminding myself that people don't always make the best decisions (I've noticed how I've been on a churn just before breakfast thinking how we've been asked to do "x" when "y" would be so much better!!!!). But, as I have to keep reminding myself, my corner of the the office - in a virtual sense - is not at the cutting edge of the organisation I work in. A point made by HR when I had the conversation about my diagnosis.

Good Enough

So I've finally got a PC on it's way out to me. It's not the best value for money, it's not the best spec, I'm not getting it as quick as I would have hoped, it's not even the best flash-deal (I lost that one when I had to cancel the original order because I fudged the shipping address) but it's "good enough". 

I've always had this obsession about making the best (mean "right") decision and even though I've had long discussions with my therapist (and myself) that sometimes, most of the time, there isn't a best decision, there's the best I can do with the information I've got available - when it comes down to figures and stats I can get lost. So technical specs on a PC - or anything else for that matter - is a minefield. So after deciding I was going to get a new one (after not even considering the option of just living with a slightly cracked screen on my all in one which I'm learning to ignore or even just plugging the thing into a new monitor) I went through the usual hellish nightmare I always do when upgrading my mobile phone every five years or whatever it is. It all boils down to making the "best" decision. If I had the money to get whatever I wanted it'd be a nightmare. I'd still be obsessed about getting the best deal.

When I started mapping out things on an excel spreadsheet to see the optimal purchase configuration/price/delivery time and going into you-tube video's I figured things had to stop. What did I need this thing for?

Bluntly - to surf, stream and play some of my retro games which are a little bit too heavy on my integrated graphics card (which has served me well over the last few years). I also figured it made sense not to replace like for like (just get a monitor if I was going to do that) but kick everything up a gear and not obsesses about anything next-gen. Because I don't have time for it.

So I found my kit, a decent delivery time, accepted that there's a ton of folk out there who'd say I could get a better configuration for the money, shrugged my shoulders and said "so what?" and placed the order.

It's on its way and I feel better for it. 

(Things were so much simpler in 8 and 16 bit territory back in the day)

Take a breath

This was weird. It's probably the most productive 2 minutes I'll spend today but for some reason I was getting incredibly impatient waiting for breakfast to cook (two eggs in boiling water - 5 minutes!) and I my mind started to wonder. Here I was getting narked that a decent boiled egg didn't cook quicker and yet all week I've been feeling stressed, driven, weighed down because I didn't feel I had enough time. And here it was. 5 minutes of time all to me.

So I took it. Instead of pacing the kitchen (which is what I was doing) I forced myself to slow down, pick up my mood chart and find out where I was ("restless" if you're interested rated on 7 out of 10 for intensity - that's my own addition ) close my eyes and give myself time to check-in and "listen". 

It's actually incredibly the dross that runs through my head - they're not even thoughts, just a vague awareness that X and Y aren't quite as they should be and if Z hadn't had happened then we wouldn't be here - and it's all work stuff of course. I mean, what else could it be? Like there's nothing else which is important to my sense of order and well-being.

So I slowed down, focused on my breath, checked in with my emotions - and exploring them a bit (a habit I've let slip since reading Russ Harris' book), decoupling from some of my more obsessive thoughts and within a few minutes I became a little more grounded. I drifted for what seemed like double the time and the timer went. Five minutes had gone - and it had felt like ten minutes - maybe even longer. Much more grounded, focused and a little more present. Strangely it had felt like a lot of effort just to take the step to do something which was so simple and so beneficial. 

When I don't self-manage well, I don't feel present. I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions, having my thoughts scrambled trying to keep up with others random thinking and generally feeling weighed down when working to someone else's schedule and bombarded with useless information (as my organisation is prone too). I've steps I can take to change this but it reminds me that no matter how much of a better fit this role is for me now, it won't serve me well long term,. 

On the therapist - probably a bit of both.

I found mine on the counselling directory https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Didn't have much of a criteria - I used their bio's to start with and selected those who had a wide range of approaches - as there are many schools of counselling as there are actual counsellors, I was in danger of getting sucked into looking for the best theory and not the best counsellor). I also wanted someone who had supervisory experience which to me, was an indication of their expertise.

I also decided not to select a counsellor who I was attracted to by their photo. That could have been a distraction. 

Narrowed it down to three - as it happens the first trial session on my first choice worked for me so stayed with them. We worked together two to three times a month, price was an an issue there, over about 4-5 months and then it came to it's natural end. 

That time gave me much needed reflection space and "nudged" me into a place where I could better engage with myself and the world. We worked before we knew about my diagnosis and I still found the sessions helpful. I've checked in once or twice when I've felt like things were getting out of control but generally I'm self-managing now. 

Work did offer some talking-support, but like the NHS, it's all CBT unless you're assessed as having some other need. I won't engage with our occupational health provider since they fudged my last back-to-work assessment and glossed over my complaint about it. I decided then I wanted some control over the support I was getting. 

Financially it was a bit awkward, but it was worth it. 

It's uncanny the similarities in our stories. Upbringing, parents, experiences and I too had a period at the church albeit a much shorter one probably. 

Ethan said:

It's actually amazing how much tension the body carries. When my counsellor and I were probing around and my defenses were down I was taken aback as how I really felt when I thought about it - and I allowed myself to experience the feeling. I can think of many an early morning when my brain was re-processing where I'd be tensing, or my limbs "jerking" when I started to allow myself to feel again.

I had one moment similar a few years ago, where my whole body was trembling. I had no idea I was carrying this kind of stuff around with me. So I did what I normally did at the time - run away, ignore or escape it. The whole importance of the Holistic approach I had read about periodically is only now beginning to sink in as imperative for me.

Ethan said:

I have got more attuned to how I feel - I don't sit with it long enough. When I'm checking in on the mood chart I'll intellectually acknowledge the feeling, but I won't sit with it to become familiar with what it's like. I still have this "I feel ok and I'm going to do stuff" and "I don't feel ok, I need to rest until I do" approach to life.

I think this scares the sh!t out of most people and why so many of us struggle with meditation or awareness practices. The fear of the unknown, letting go, fearing losing control or completely surrendering. I've had some successes but also shutdowns due to expecting ' things to happen ' or to ' get it ' . Again, too much, too quickly. 

Ethan said:

Yep. I lived at the other end of the country from my parents but went back every year to visit. By day two I was un-ravelling. By the third day I had to get out of there and it took me a week to refocus myself back to some kind of normality. They're not around any more - and, this sounds awful to say, I feel liberated.

I actually understand that. I moved countries . I worked abroad a lot and felt liberated too. I remember the last period abroad where I had to return and temporarily live at home. The first thing I noticed was overwhelming negativity. It was like being put into a Bear-Pit and being delivered blow after blow of negativity. It was a period of regression for me. I was a slow learner in many of these aspects, and didn't see the bigger picture until much later. I think my processing is a bit quicker and clearer these days because of it. 

Ethan said:

Now I realise it's more about "nudges". Doing those small things day to day which take me in the right direction and still doing those things even when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I check in with myself more and ask myself how have I "nudged" myself today. I'm starting to develop an inner voice (or hear it) instead of doing things on autopilot. It's early days - but I've made more progress in my life in less than a year of diagnosis and private therapy than I ever did in the toxic brand of religion I was stuck with and its cookie-cut answers.

Yeah, I think you're right and is great advice. I think I struggled with perfectionism thinking of creating the perfect life rather than taking small steps in the right direction, one day at a time. I'm eager to try yoga to see if this helps with slowing down and establishing more balance. That's a statement I never thought I would be saying even a few years ago. The progress you have made in such a short period is miraculous & inspiring and must give you great hope and much more peace. Did you have a criteria for choosing a therapist or did you stumble across a suitable one by luck ?

Week 8: Putting it all Together

It's the end of the course today. Watched my final video, did the quiz and got my "well-done" e-mail. I found my answer to the stimulus-response issue - Brackett calls it a "meta-moment". In layman's terms, it's a pause. Give myself time to think and then choose how to respond. 

https://ideas.ted.com/feel-like-youre-about-to-lose-it-it-could-be-a-good-time-for-a-meta-moment/#:~:text=A%20Meta%2DMoment%20is%20when,and%20find%20a%20wiser%20response.

I'm not great at these - I'll still struggle in group meetings, especially if I think everyone is going off on the wrong tack, but I think when certain things happen, or I hear the latest fudge then it will be a skill worth practicing. Who's to say I can't ask for a moment, step back, do my thing before I re-engage? If I need it, then it makes sense to take it. 

Was the course worth it? I'm going to venture a "yes". I still have Yale's Mood Meters in the sitting room and my study so I can check in with myself. I've printed out the stuff on resilience and having difficult conversations - both are really useful. I'm reminded how much I'm going to have to actively engage with this material, as well as using other more autism-specific self-management strategies. 

I watched Brackett's video - I like him. Not just for his style but because of his personal history. He's very open and honest about it. He references his own struggles and in doing so does away  with the stereotype of "dusty academia" and replaces it with someone who's committed and passionate about his field driven by his own experiences and questions. If nothing else, he's inspired me a bit about how adversity can be re-moulded to a new outlook - maybe even a new direction. It's something for me to think about.

In many ways the course has helped me with self-reflection and writing my ideas out. I'm worried a little that I'll let this all slip - there seems so many strategies for everything that it's easy to feel overwhelmed. But, as I keep telling myself, trust my brain to soak it up and bring things out when necessary. And if things feel like they're going a little bit off track, then step back, take stock and refocus. It is all about nudging in the right direction.

I'll sort of miss the course in a weird way. The focus has helped - I've not been quite as committed some weeks and I noticed after the halfway point I was starting to lose interest a bit. But I've managed to take something away from each week, and even if I hadn't got that sense of motivation and achievement from previous weeks - the practice of reflecting on this thread (as well as reading others responses) has helped in a lot of ways by opening up insights and helping me "tune in" a little bit more to myself.

So with the end of the course, comes the end of the thread. Or maybe not - it has been useful to not only to reflect on here but sound off too. I may check in with it from time to time as a kind of journal. Or a place for my cathartic rants.   

It's actually amazing how much tension the body carries. When my counsellor and I were probing around and my defenses were down I was taken aback as how I really felt when I thought about it - and I allowed myself to experience the feeling. I can think of many an early morning when my brain was re-processing where I'd be tensing, or my limbs "jerking" when I started to allow myself to feel again.

The "body keeps the score" is a book I've got but still not got round to reading yet. Peter Levine ("Waking the Tiger") does similar work and I have got more attuned to how I feel - I don't sit with it long enough. When I'm checking in on the mood chart I'll intellectually acknowledge the feeling, but I won't sit with it to become familiar with what it's like. I still have this "I feel ok and I'm going to do stuff" and "I don't feel ok, I need to rest until I do" approach to life.

Turtle said:

I've noticed it can happen with old friends or family members, where I seem to get sucked into some kind of magnetic vortex and before I know it, I'm either being triggered emotionally or I seem to slip into conversation patterns from the past that I've tried to avoid doing more recently.

Yep. I lived at the other end of the country from my parents but went back every year to visit. By day two I was un-ravelling. By the third day I had to get out of there and it took me a week to refocus myself back to some kind of normality. They're not around any more - and, this sounds awful to say, I feel liberated. I've got the space now to work things through emotionally and despite some folk at work being hopeless with my diagnosis (I can't expect everyone to just "get it") I've connections with people there who are at least trying to understand and are actively supporting me. It's taking time - and I've built in weekly check-ins with my direct manager so I can explain my way of thinking and what I'm finding challenging. They're still trying to say the "right thing" (the curse of managers worldwide) and it'll take time, but as I've learned, it's stories that make impressions on people. Not checklist or fact-sheets.

Turtle said:

the more digging I do or the more hard work or study I put in, the more success or progress I will make and one day I will wake-up completely ' cured '.

This is exactly the abyss I'm in danger of falling into. I used to be a very religious person (in the evangelical, charismatic church - completely toxic to my personality) and I was an emotional wreck. I used to believe that if I could just get the "right faith", get in the "right place", understand theology then I'd have this victorious life everyone kept talking about. It's crazy looking back - but I linked an overwhelming emotional experience with evidence of a divine "something" and then placed my faith in authorities and leaders within the movement. The idea that people would preach stuff they didn't experience or practice for themselves was totally lost on me. 

Now I realise it's more about "nudges". Doing those small things day to day which take me in the right direction and still doing those things even when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I check in with myself more and ask myself how have I "nudged" myself today. I'm starting to develop an inner voice (or hear it) instead of doing things on autopilot. It's early days - but I've made more progress in my life in less than a year of diagnosis and private therapy than I ever did in the toxic brand of religion I was stuck with and its cookie-cut answers. I've still fond memories of the Quakers though -  who were just about holding the tension of theists with non-theists  - but these days I find my outlook reflected in a lot of different traditions (James Fowler calls it "conjunctive faith" which sits well with me). 

I think you're spot on about pacing yourself. I have loads of books which I buy on the fly because there's something that will interest me. The minute that book pile becomes a thing I have to achieve and will hold the answers to all then I'll sink into melancholy. It's the moments where I'm learning how to relax which holds the key.... and finding the right activities where just the experience is enough and I don't have to achieve anything. I'm still struggling to find something playful to do.... and get in the right mindset where "playful" is all right.

Totally get this. What I've learned during all this covid thing is that despite having learned much intellectually and having had more awareness successes, there are still old reactions/responses/feelings stored in my body repeating themselves. Old patterns that seem to stick a spanner in the works like I've been ambushed and sabotaged along the road of progress. I've noticed it can happen with old friends or family members, where I seem to get sucked into some kind of magnetic vortex and before I know it, I'm either being triggered emotionally or I seem to slip into conversation patterns from the past that I've tried to avoid doing more recently. Feels like I've been hooked & reeled in by a fishing rod and then I get upset afterwards for not being more aware. I guess I'm getting better though otherwise I wouldn't be aware of it at all which I must continue to remind myself is progress.

The worst is when I get overwhelmed by going too far into things too quickly or all at once, that I must have unconsciously told myself at some point ; the more digging I do or the more hard work or study I put in, the more success or progress I will make and one day I will wake-up completely ' cured '. When I overload myself like this of course, I seem to achieve the opposite and the old, destructive patterns of escape are presenting themselves like honey to a Bee. The old, overwhelm - escape pattern that has been so much of struggle and part of my unconsciousness for so long has been exposed and the spotlight shone on it. Now I have to try to break this destructive cycle by bringing more awareness to overloading myself with too much, too fast and learn to pace myself and to structure-in more healthy pursuits of escape, and in turn, change the word escape to leisure-time or relaxation or something.

Although still undiagnosed, I have heard recommendations for the book ' The body keeps the score ' and although I haven't read it yet, somehow, the title is enough for me to know that despite all the spade-work I have done intellectually or from awareness practice, that it may very well be, my body is still carrying around a lot of sticky residue that needs dislodged. Having read interviews with the author and some of his patients, I am determined to exercise more and once possible, enroll in some kind of rehabilitation Yoga suitable for trauma or PTSD which I believe I am symptomatic of from childhood and also having stored-up everything by myself with no meaningful release mechanisms. 

yes - NTs love to bring things up again because they can't get their satisfaction from us - they want their emotional needs met and we can't often guess what they're looking for.

There's also huge risks involved in this incompatibility - medical appointments.

I've found I'm incredibly vulnerable because the conversation is mainly a technical transfer but it's littered with highly emotive, project-critical information wrapped in emotional wrappers which overload me, the recipient.  I can't guarantee I'm receiving the data correctly because I overload so easily - I need days to unpack the information and process the information before I can make a decision - and I often need to go back 3 spaces to check the technical information I thought I received is an accurate representation of what was said.   My memory system completely malfunctions.so I need a witness with me as a note-taker.   It's almost like a trance state when things turn icky.

Absolutely. People need to come with manuals so I don't waste time having to figure them out or unintentionally crossing the red wire with the blue one.

I've never been very good at resolving those non-work issues with people which is probably why I never place myself in relationships where there's opportunities for those kinds of friction. But even in work I struggle to address those issues which fall into the "working together" box. If its about a technical issue or question- I function absolutely fine with that (mostly). If it's about how someone is working and its impact on me I'm hopeless. I don't manage myself particularly well in those stressy conversation-spaces and get very defensive. But then NTs - I've noticed, don't always address those issues either.

What's more, if it all goes sideways, I don't have those skills to bring the relationship back on track by focusing on commonalities, the small-talk stuff or whatever-else-it-is NTs use to figure this stuff out. To me, it's all about the issue which has to be resolved. It can't be parked. If I wanted to park it, I wouldn't have brought it up.

Yes - work / technical conversations have no emotional requirement - it's a data transfer between brains.

Anything else is incredibly risky - who knows where it could go and there are always so many exposed nerves that can be accidentally tweaked to trigger all sorts of random emotions.

Week 7: Helping others manage emotions

So this was a tough one. And I feel a little weepy.

I think the first is really understanding about emotional co-regulation when interacting with others. It's not something I've really thought about - but I'm realising how quick I am to react to someone's emotional state without pausing to check in with myself first. There's a colleague at work who I get on really well with, but can also be a bit stressy. I've noticed how, if I'm not careful, I can get drawn into a conversation and have my feelings run away with theirs. It's occurred to me I don't manage my conversations particularly well. If it's to do a task - then no problem, that sits into my "everyone is a widgit to accomplish this goal" mentality. Outside of that, when the conversation isn't "organised" (i.e. not a task-based work one) I struggle to function in it. I mean I can, I can go on autopilot if I'm on the right mood, but I seem to lose awareness of my emotional state. There's been more than one occasion where I've come out of a conversation exhausted and thought how I should have wrapped it up 20 minutes ago. It's almost like I don't give myself permission to do it - even though I should... and I can.

I do get drawn into things, and sometimes I can lose myself without regulating myself healthily. To go off topic, I'm a sucker for 4x strategy games. I remember firing one up yesterday - for a few minutes - and then getting sucked into the gameplay. The problem was that it got to a point *hours* later where I was mindlessly clicking the mouse button like a zombie. The game had stagnated and yet I was still going for the one-more-turn. One more turn ----- FOR WHAT? I'd forgotten to eat (not good) and both my brain and eyes were telling me I'd been staring at the screen for too long. I've disciplined myself today - stayed off the gaming and managed to do other, more productive stuff, but I can't grasp why I can't just disengage when my entire being is telling me I've had enough.

Actually that's not true. I know exactly why. The first is that gaming allows a distraction from life. Sometimes I don't do it because I enjoy it, I do it to escape from something that's bugging me. Or I do it to work out an obsession about which is the best experience - I flit from one game to another (it takes me weeks to decide on which mobile phone to upgrade to, in my price bracket, for what I use it for, they're pretty much all the same). But the other reason, is that it's a means by which I managed my misery as a kid. Because my folks were unavailable most of the time I'd retreat into a gaming world - and I do it anytime I feel overloaded, stressed or in a position I don't know what to do. It's my hiding place. The problem is - is that it numbs me. I switch off from emotional awareness and my thinking is cloudy. I used to set an alarm for two hours and then stop. Since I stopped doing that I don't stop. And then I feel guilty that I've allowed myself to get sucked into 7-8 hours of doing basically nothing (apart from clicking a mouse and getting dazzled by shiny graphics and epic music). The problem is - is that I lose a sense of intention in daily life which then becomes a series of things I have to "do" and get through, rather than opening up and living it.

Damn. Why am I making this so difficult for myself?

I think what upset me is the realisation, and I may have written this before, is that I was never taught how to regulate emotions in the family- and co-regulation was not a thing. When I read the question on the course about whether there had been an adult in my life who was curious and accepting of my emotions my heart sank (in other words, co-regulating). The answer was no. And it didn't matter how I tried to get through to them I couldn't do it. They'd just shut me out, close down the conversation and then wonder why, months down the line, I'd be unable to function. It was all my fault - apparently. I should have worked normally straight out of the box (or womb). Although it was a different era but I suspect that they'd carried unresolved issues all through their life and adopted an unhealthy relationship of co-dependency. I don't think I was planned. Although they'd never have admitted to that.

Then there's the realisation that I'm shockingly bad at difficult conversations. Take the project. There's two conversations which I probably could have had - it wouldn't have made things any better but the way I've dealt with things by *not* having those conversations has been completely dysfunctional. Just thinking about having them I feel sick - I feel exposed - and it's because I'm putting myself "on the line" so to speak. In job roles it's never been a problem because I can get the job role mindset - there's an expectation, a knowledge about what I can and can't do, and I know what resources are available. In other words, I can provide a top notch answer, and my get-out is when the situation falls outside of that remit. But when I'm putting *myself* forward, when it's about my needs then it's like a voyage into the unknown. And so I fall back on that safe-space of outrage behind the scenes - and completing the thing I'm being asked to do with a sense of weary resignation. It's all very well disclosing when things are going well, it's when things aren't. And I think I still lack the confidence in a work situation to put myself forward and say what things aren't working for me. Some things are unavoidable. I get that. But others --- others could be managed a lot better.

I need to learn how to have that conversation. I always want to take something away to come up with "the answer". But some conversations won't have that definitive answer - they'll be unpredictable. There will be an outcome, maybe, which I'm not comfortable with. And that scares me. What scares me even more is that I don't know what conversations to have. Which do I pick up and see through, which do I leave and put down. Sometimes staying quiet has allowed me to observe and learn about the dynamics of people. That "eager to please" thing that I have (manifested in delivering a high quality product) carries me only so far. And the painful rejection of what I thought was an honest, reasonable conversation still sits with me - because I still don't know how to respond when people are emotional in their perspectives or decision-making. I can see it when it happens to someone else, but when it happens to me, I can't disentangle the feelings about the experience from feeling about myself. 

So it was twofold this week. The first is the realisation that I'm only going be able to manage my stimulus-response approach to certain stressors by self-talk and treating myself as the course advises to treat students. Get past that initial reaction, actively manage it, connect with feelings, explore the story and reinforce the growth mindset (something else that makes me feel wobbly when I think of dealing honestly with other people about how I feel).

The second is that re-engagement in intentional, conscious living. Mindfulness. It is difficult and easy to slip out of practice. I engage really well with it on my walks - and I've kept making excuses about my walks for ages. Anytime I seem to get into something which is good for me, I encounter a stressful moment or situation, and then stop doing the very thing that is helping me stay focused and grounded. I'm not saying the last few months has been a total disaster - but it could be better. Again, I think this is childhood patterns reasserting themselves. I've noticed recently that in the last few days (before taking my leave) that I was switching the works PC on before completing the morning routine. It's not an arduous routine - shower, breakfast and 10-15 minutes of Qi-Gong or Tai Chi. And yet I seem to not want to give myself that time. Is it because I see work as more important or is it because I'm switching off to the necessity of my own self-care - in that I say to myself "I'm fine" when really I could be doing something where I could be more than fine. 

It's probably both.

Thinking about unpleasant feelings - I had a moment of confusion - sometimes I want to get drawn into this battle with myself about how I'm feeling (a fools errand according to Russ Harris). It's almost as if I'm saying to myself "Should I accept and explore this feeling?" or "Should I try and overcome it?". I know the first answer is the right one, but why am I struggling to disregard the second one?

But there were two quotes I took away...

"Helping one person may not change the world, but it could change the world for one person" - I like that one.

"In these times of great uncertainty and stress - we may want to be intentional more often throughout the day to help bring positive emotions into balance even in small ways". - This I need to remember. Sometimes I forget intentional living. It's easy when not working - there's the time and space to think, plan and motivate myself. When at work, even though I do work remotely (which I never thought I'd take to) that intentionality slips. 

But perhaps this is part of another discussion about the kind of job I ought to be doing. I need to give this role a try (when I get back to it) because it's a small team and I'm working with really good people but I think I'm missing it somewhere. 

That buzz I had, when I was researching intolerance of uncertainty after my meltdown episode when the project went sideways. I still get the vibe thinking about it. That was the time I was in that "flow state" - lively, focused, motivated, enthusiastic (reads off mood chart). There is something about discovery that excites me. I need to find a thing to discover - not always, as work demands, something I need to fix.

As always my emotions are mixed. I remember starting the course tonight feeling uneasy and a bit irritated - I've finished feeling at ease and settled. Writing about it helps. On some level, this process helps me organise my thoughts - and I think nudges me a little further in the right direction.

One more week to go. I may well tackle it tomorrow. 

Good for you - learning about yourself is valuable knowledge.      I was relatively lucky -  I was working with lazy chimps so no-one would interrupt me making things happen.

We were paid a salary, an on-call allowance and a very generous monthly bonus if we achieved better than 98% production - so those morons could cost me money because of their incompetence.

I was left alone to do things the way *I* wanted them done - I was the one that would have to fix things anyway so it may as well suit my methods.

I liked having the chimps around - really for the nerdy chats in the tea room - but they were generally a hindrance to my work.

The weirdest thing is - is that after my rant this morning I had an opportunity today to fix something for the day job and I had a ball. I'm still smiling and I've had the most relaxing sleep I've had for weeks.

It's a numbers/data query, it's been going round in circles for the weeks I've been on the project and I was doing a catch up with my regular manager (who I respect a lot) who's been trying to resolve it. Nobody knows what's going on. She asked me a question which apparently no-one else is able to answer with any confidence and I said I'd ping it over to a contact to look at.

I was still fed up with project work so I started to write the e-mail, then I thought I'd take a look. Within a few hours I'd figured out what was going on, captured my evidence, tested the theory stuck it an e-mail and pinged it back. 

I know exactly what's going on. There was an issue. Someone, somewhere didn't make a decision about something, didn't bother to document it so someone else comes along a bit later and can't work out what's going on and because no-one bothers to keep minutes of anything they decide the people they ask just either try to bluff it, or bounce things around to other people. The worst part is that the people who it affects (i.e. people who put the data into the system) have no idea either. Not one of them can articulate why they do the thing the way they do. All they know is that "someone told them" that was the way to do it. I know who didn't make that decision because I used to work with them (they're a very senior person). Very much a people-person but completely hopeless when it comes to anything technical. They made decisions on the fly, no-one documented anything and now no-one can remember what was decided, or why or for what reason. 

The penny has finally dropped with me. It's a game. All of it. This issue been going on for years and was "parked" because it was too difficult to solve. None of this has been communicated to anyone - and in the environment I work in, where it's musical chairs, the reason why has been lost. Of course no-one wants to admit they're bloody clueless so they go round in circles talking about it (or forgetting there was even a problem to start with) but not actually resolving it.

It's another insight. I understand what makes me different. Give me a question - and I'll figure it out. I'll get the answer - and I'll admit if I don't know. Give me the space -  no deadline (just ask me how much time I need and I'll say), no nonsense, no task-meetings, check-points, conversations or other of the micromanagement crap and I'll get it sussed. Because I won't try to bluff what I don't know. It's how I work. 

This is what I thought the project would be. That I'd get the space to work like this , it's exploratory - that's what I thought I'd be given the freedom to do - because it's what's been asked of me before and I've delivered. What's actually happened is that someone has decided they want something they haven't got. They're not interested in what is actually needed for a quality product - they just want an output as fast as possible so they can move onto the next thing. It's why I'm doing unnecessary updates and asked for recommendations before I'm even at that stage. Screw them. I'm not doing this again. I'm done. I'll get another job before I put myself out like this again. I can't be rushed into producing crap - and I can't work to people who flop about with decisions because they don't understand what they want or have such a chaotic way of deciding things and not bothering to explain it to me that I end up not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I've seen what happens with rushed decisions. My whole working environment is a legacy of them. And it's why I'm useless working in teams of people. I need a task, the task. Let me start it, be left to work on it, and bring it to closure. Other people are a distraction - they actually hinder me from figuring it out. The best part - is that I love that space where I am figuring it out. Wrestling with that problem. Even if it gives me sleepless nights - I love the ride. Leading others - a team, that's a whole different set of skills which I don't have. Cascading decisions I don't understand, making stuff up on the spot, free-styling untiI I work out what I'm supposed to be doing, and all the other social-motivational stuff to get people going - it'd tear me to pieces within weeks. And it did.

This was supposed to be a reply Plastic and it's almost turned another journal-type spiel. But the turnaround in the last few hours has blown me away. I'm back on the project on Monday so will probably be miserable again.... but I've had another insight today into what makes me different. I'll make the time to enjoy that warm, fuzzy feeling while it lasts. 

Hi Ladybird! I totally get where you’re coming from. I need my ultimate plan and then as you say plans B and C. I’ve not found a solution to this as yet (in 44 years!) if I do have a lightbulb moment then I’ll share. 

mael said:

you can do anything you want to, the secret is actually wanting to do it. 

Yes - anyone can do anything - if they want it enough to pay the price.     An Olympic athlete can only win gold if they put aside everything else.     I could sell the house and but a Bugatti - but I can't live in that.      It's all about balance.

I think you have answered most of the questions yourself ,a good rant often clears the air. 

I had one lunch time yesterday, got a tribunal hearing next week over my daughters future ,council have employed 3 solicitors and a barrister so far ,[ well spent public money ]usual  stuff no real argument so trying to create a last minute smoke screen with detail and change.

I found being open ,caused the shields to go down. Not sure if better ,but different and a bit more rocky.

One thing you touched on  ,it is like there is another me inside and he does the big stuff ,i can only change the little things .

my father said you can do anything you want to, the secret is actually wanting to do it. 

Its hard to explain but i tend to do that ,think what i really want just the big picture ,then just deal with the little stuff . I am not clever enough to deal with the big picture ,sounds crazy but one day i hope to merge or that might happen when i die ,who knows 

You're in exactly the same place I was - underpaid, undervalued and sh1t on all the time - capable of so much more - but the only path they want for you is precisely the one that you specifically don't want.   The route to instant burn-out & meltdown.

The job you do want never seems to have vacancies because 'the right people' are magically slid into them before it can be offered to anyone else..

You have reached 'max career' in the place you're in.      You have 2 choices - rewire your brain to be able to just turn up & take the money (but I doubt you can do that) or look for something external.. 

Both choices will cause a massive amount of stress - the unknown and the mundane.    I've often felt like a Lion surrounded by ants.    Enough ants can defeat you.

Another route is to cash everything up and become a shepherd on an island somewhere.    Lots of time to yourself.  

Not a weekly update on the course - more of a cathartic rant. 

I'm struggling.

I'm finding I'm getting a mental block when it comes to responding on the forum which means I'm under stress. It's the works project. I'm under the cosh to meet some arbitrary deadline for which someone has pulled out their backside on a project that I'd invested two years of my time to get off the ground. The turnaround is a couple of months - a far more aggressive timescale for other projects of this type and which was dropped on me without reason or rationale before they moved in other people to oversee it. 

It came to a head yesterday. Everyone praising me about some output I'd pulled together - at short notice - again! All I can think was is that I could take no pride in it, because I'd had to rush the job and watching others (senior leads) casually have conversations about something I've invested so much time in (trying to get the sponsorship) and assuming things will land in this silly turnaround just because they want it. No discussion with me as to what I need to make this work better -and I'm doing all the hard work at the back end. 

Perfectionist tendency? Maybe. But I've seen so much bad decision making and output that "passes" for informative data I know some of them have absolutely no idea of what makes an effective output. And then I start to doubt myself as to whether my standards of what is worthy output is realistic -and then the circular reasoning starts. 

I can't wait for it to be over. This happens every time I get involved in stuff like this - I get disappointed by shockingly poor communication, unrealistic expectations in delivery timescales, lack of understanding about the area they're supposed to be leading and how I'm left off balance most of the time. Yesterday, not an update on progress - apparently - but an early indicator of recommendations. So all the work of prepping a comprehensive update with the idea that would keep them off my back for a bit - gone to waste because it was all skipped over. 

I want an extension. I'm not going to get it. And people are asking for decisions from me about other things - which frankly are above my pay grade - and it leaves me wondering just what the hell are they are getting paid for?

Someone told me about a possible promotion opportunity. I told them I felt I couldn't do it because I find the working practices and the greater emphasis on social/relational skills at that level too difficult to handle. With that admission came an overwhelming feeling of failure and a real sense, for the first time, not that I've found things "a bit difficult", but that I am disabled and how that has permeated every aspect of my life. In this moment, I don't feel "neurodiverse" - I feel totally disadvantaged when it comes to navigating the workplace. What's worse is that much of the time is spent unpicking the mess from dire decision-making which leaves no room for self-development. Data analysis, visualization is what I'm interested in, but there's no room to develop those skills (or learning from others) in my current role. - despite me demonstrating what can be done if given the time. I'm frustrated because of all this - I'd like to say "it's just me". But it isn't. The social deficiency (It's early - I can't pick the right words) I can almost tolerate if the work gives me the opportunity to develop and build skills. But it doesn't. It's just a constant churn out of stuff - which, because it is rushed, in my eyes is mediocre. 

I can't take pride in things that are overly rushed. And that sense of feeling out of control. That's why I'm unhappy. I've met silly deadlines before but never one where I feel the quality is compromised as much as this - and people are happy with it!!!??!??! I'm under the impression that people will just accept whatever I put in front of them - if that's the case, then what's the point of making the effort.

I had a little weep this morning around 5am. Then I tried to do some "making room for emotions" which worked but I keep stumbling back to the why and everything starts up again. I realise that the times I've been happiest are those times where I've as little contact with people as possible and I'm able to structure my own day. Lockdown, before working from home became a thing, I had "arrived". I was in that comfortable place - because I had a routine, I could manage the information I was exposed to, I had time to invest in things I was interested in.I enjoyed the things I did. Now I find I can barely plan for it. I'm too tired at the end of the day. I'm barely managing to eat regularly as it is - I am, but only just. It's still home cooked stuff, it's still healthy but I'm finding it hard to keep it up. 

I'm tired. That fuzzy ache which goes from the top of my head down to my jaw, that uncomfortable sensation of something like a balloon being inflated in the middle of my head and the sense of disconnection (my body feels like a separate thing I'm just occupying) is back. I'm tired of wrestling with this when things get pressured at work - then I resent not having the support earlier in my life to address these issues (despite my screaming for it). A lot of this is because of how I feel at the moment - I'm much more appreciative and forgiving if things are going my way.  At the moment my working life (and I'm damned fortunate to have a job) is leaving me miserable. Or it may be my expectations need to change, and that I need to accept that somewhere - along the way - I've made decisions that, whether the reasons were conscious or not, that has led me to where I am now. - and there's no saying that if I was somewhere else it would be anything different. But in moments like this I really don't feel fit for the workplace - and I hate that vulnerability. I feel.... a failure. Again. And I'm feeling really prickly, like the smallest thing could cause me to get real snappy. 

And this is the problem - I'm looking for a solution and right now there probably isn't one. I just need to see it through. But I can't see a way ahead. And there it is again... self-doubt. Is this just a "reaction" because of stress - or is this uncovering how I really feel because the chips are down? I can't untangle my internal world - and part of the reason is that I still lack the awareness and vocabulary to do so.

It's not just that organisations are chaotic...... I am. Right now I can't make sense of what I'm feeling! And if can't understand it - I don't want to sit with it. 

All the stuff I've been reading on uncertainty, on managing emotions. I seem to think I should be managing this more consciously and a lot better. It's harder to "tune in", talk myself round, use strategies - I think this is why I'm writing. To get some sense of getting back in a place where I have some sense of self-regulation. Up to now it feels like work, sleep, eat, sleep, work and a quick game or a couple of chapters of a book when I'm conscious and not working. 

I slip into this all too easily. I have this idea of how I will consciously manage myself better and then something will knock me off kilter which will sit with me for weeks. That dropping of a deadline out of the blue - and my frustrated reaction in a meeting - I never really recovered from that. 

When that deadline dropped that was the point at which I felt devalued and lost interest in this whole thing. I think I can cope better if there's a sense of fair play. If I feel there isn't then I just don't know how to. The way the deadline dropped, happened after I'd disclosed my diagnosis and made it clear as to what I needed to function better.

That hurt. I took that really personally. I almost questioned the point of having the assessment and being open about my diagnosis. 

Somehow I expected things to be easier. But I'm finding them more frustrating. I don't know if being open about my diagnosis has been in my best interest - it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. 

On Brackett's "mood meter" I'd rate myself somewhere between tense and frustrated on a scale of 7.5-8 out of 10. Apparently my fitband says my stress levels are moderate. I don't believe the tech-  I think it's just making stuff up. 

The start of the day sure comes round quick. Breakfast and then back to it 

Some great insights on these posts. I look forward to the book. I'd buy it !

Week 6: Reading Others Feelings

It's been tougher to get to this weeks reading and even tougher to focus. I can trace it back to when the works issue started (and the extra stress since then). The pressure for updates, moving everything to a new platform without warning, wanting results before the data collection is even complete. All this has taken a toll. Two days of my long weekend are spent trying to get some sense of normality back. Today, probably, was the most productive. Felt much better after going for a walk (40 mins round trip to pick up my script from the chemist in the next village). I only went because I had to, not because I wanted to. And I'm not happy about that.

Usually i feel rested when writing, right now I feel, fidgety. My writing isn't flowing as well and I feel.... a little closed off. 

This week was about reading other peoples emotions. It made the point that it's easy to misread a feeling (something I never really thought about being an issue for NT's, but yes, of course it would be). Although it's geared towards educators there are general principles which are useful to refresh - the tendancy of connecting with people similar to us, the role of socialisation and culture on emotional expression and the importance of context (I never really understood people changed according to context, it always threw me if they said one thing to one person, then another to someone else in a different place/time). It also suggests using the mood meter to evaluate other people's emotions - not something that sits well with me. I'm happy with the idea of using it to check in on myself and rate the intensity of my feeling to build some kind of emotional literacy. The idea of doing that with others? I'm not sure if I even need to. I think I'd prefer some rules/guidelines to work with as opposed to trying to figure people out. At least that's my gut feeling.

There was something about knowing people was to learn their stories. I liked that idea- I finally understood we're a collection of stories and not just responses to experiences (I focused too much on the latter). I also realised I don't make much of an effort to talk about people's stories with them. Perhaps I could try.... I don't feel motivated to though. I'm happy for people to volunteer the information, I'm just not all that into finding out about it. Is this one of the differences between me and the rest of the world. Looking back I'm still very task oriented. Just thinking about this has me feeling weary. I think... I think I'm fearful of taking on someone elses baggage, or not being able to separate my feelings about myself from the thing they're telling me about (I find sometimes I get "engulfed" by some conversations). The other thing..... is that social stuff gets me very, very tired. At least that's how it seems now - because right now, I feel very, very tired.

As the reading on The Empathy Trap points out 

Recognizing and sharing someone else’s emotional state is a complex inner experience. It calls on self-awareness, the ability to distinguish between your own feelings and those of others, the skill to take another’s perspective, the ability to recognize emotions in others as well as oneself, and the know-how to regulate those feelings.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201505/the-empathy-trap

I may be fairly smart in "doing stuff" (I'll build you a graph, research that stuff etc) - but I'm a total ignoramus when it comes to managing my inner life and myself around other people. On the one hand I find it very difficult to do, on the other I'm almost afraid to do it - to take steps "in front" of people to manage my well-being in conversation and relationships. And if I have to pull back from folk if I'm feeling overwhelmed I almost feel a failure in some way (!). I think I'm rambling a bit now.

Something else struck me in the learning.

This is never something that I thought applied to me. But looking back it does. I was a total perfectionist. Any mistake I made was because I wasn't good enough, because I didn't try hard enough or because I was careless. My father, on the spectrum, was a very distant and closed off man when I was younger. We talked a bit more as I got older but the conversation revealed how little he knew about who I was. And when I had problems with my health he stepped away and said nothing. My mother, as I was growing up, was a very critical and erratic woman. I couldn't share anything with her because she "couldn't help me there". She'd have a habit of evading any conversation that was emotionally difficult and sowed a lot doubt that played havoc with my sense of self and self-esteem. Add difficulties with school on top of that and it was little wonder I wanted to retreat into a shell. 

It's odd writing about this from three decades ago, perhaps I'm just going through a stage of processing these feelings. Although I always feel a bit melancholic when thinking about my formative years. It's why Barron's and Gradin's book is such a challenge - it stirs up a lot of uncomfortable feelings - things which at once point I'd thought I'd made peace with. I don't think the works stress is helping much- even though it's in a better place, my state of mind over the last few weeks hasn't been the healthiest.

Although I did blame myself a lot when I was a kid. I don't remember ever feeling emotionally supported or understood. And yes, that is normal in certain times of life- teen years for example. But I felt it all the time. Even when I was ill, my mental health was brushed off with a line of "keep taking the pills". I'll never forget that.  

Looking back, reminding myself of the importance of emotional security in childhood (and I've read Janice Webb's material on emotional neglect- it's so easy to forget stuff and its impact) I'm closer to being a little kinder to a very younger me. 

There was I thinking I'd not got much out of this week. Two more weeks to go.... homeward stretch now. 

Week 5: Becoming an Emotion Scientist

Wow! Two sessions in two days. I think I wanted to feel I'd done something productive, everything seems to have been a  bit aimless over the weekend - I'm also a little apprehensive about going back to work tomorrow - but at least I feel as if I'm in a better place to face it.

This is the thing that struck out for me today - noticing my physical responses in uncomfortable conversations. Easier when working from home. I'm reminded of a meeting I had a couple of weeks ago when someone got very emotional (angry?) about a particular decision. My response, even though it didn't directly affect me, was one which - I think - I felt threatened. Probably because one of my universal rules that I expect the universe to run by was being broken - or maybe it was tapping into some history. Whichever it was, I remember the experience as a difficult one.

(Reproduced from the course at https://www.coursera.org/learn/managing-emotions-uncertainty-stress)

This slide really hit home.

So it's back to practical stuff this week - uncomfortable practical stuff because it's about relating to people. I think sometimes I'm trying to "correct" the way I'm feeling when it's not so much a situation that's the problem, its my relationship with someone else. I always seem to struggle in knowing how much to tolerate in a conversation (as an example when I disclosed at work, a manager said (in a teams message) that my honesty was something they really admired in me - which I call BS, because I have never directly spoken to that person. Not once. Not ever. It was said because it as the "right" thing to say - would have it have helped to call it out? I decided not  because the intent was supportive - but it does keep running through my head. It's caught me out a few times, like when I've felt people have read too much into situations which I've seen as unimportant. "We always meet each other here" said someone - "Always! I thought? Sure, if you count once before as 'Always'". 

I think what I enjoyed about this week is that it did broaden things out. So becoming aware of our own emotions and observing them without judgement becomes a basis with which to relate to others - and it linked into diversity/inclusion issues. I'm in a group at work and I had one of those moments where things were starting to gel (it's lovely when this happens, circumstances, decisions and situations all seem to "fit" together - safely secure and green on the mood chart). It also challenged me - a lot of the time I see emotions entwined  with a situation but divorced from people - when this simply isn't the case. People do affect me. But I prefer to focus on the situation, not the person. From memory when I've tried to be open with people before I just kept getting burnt so I stopped trying. I was also excited when I read about perspective taking to counter the "thumbprint of culture" - the idea that we may consciously hold certain values but unconsciously we're still wrestling with things we've picked up the culture around us (I'm still trying to separate myself from the expectation to have that high-flying career because grades were the only thing acknowledged in the household, that is, until they weren't).

The course points this out. If my emotion education was lacking (it was) I've internalised a lot of those messages which, as my psychologist pointed out, coupled with the diagnosis means things were a bit sh*tty for me from the get-go. My folks were terrible emotion modellers. My father so distant he was a stranger to me all my life and my mother was.... unpredictable. I recognised something wasn't right, but I didn't know what to do about it. This was in the day pre-internet and mental health was, in the main, a taboo subject. So there wasn't that readily accessible waterfall of information there is now, or people willing to have those conversations.I guess now is the first time I'm really seeing it clearly - and to some extent objectively.  Perhaps I can let go of that need to punish myself for not "being enough". At least just a little. 

There was a lot today about implicit/unconscious bias - I know some of the research indicates training in this area doesn't have huge effects (but if my company is anything to go by, it's a 1hour online session and the box is ticked, actually applying the training takes a bit more commitment). 

I liked the idea of being an emotion scientist though - understanding that behaviour does not equal emotion, there may be several reasons underlying an expression of behaviour. At the same time though there was a reference of being "allergic to discomfort". That a difficult conversation is called that for a reason - and here's the thing. I'm not a stranger to difficult conversations. Explaining to people why a certain thing can't happen, or why a certain thing wasn't available I managed in a public facing role. But when I've a personal stake in it, when the outcome is uncertain, I'd sooner not have that conversation. I'm scared of being shut-down. I'll rephrase. I don't want that uncomfortable feeling and sense of disappointment if I am shut down. Yale has got a handout on this which I'm going to study and go through. But I've been very unsuccessful with emotional honesty in the past - when I raised things in family and when I raised issues with the church. But perhaps I've equated "success" with the "expected outcome". Emotional honesty is one thing, but it doesn't then follow that the response will be one that I expect or am comfortable with. So it is learning to accept and live with those uncomfortable feelings and understand that there's a broader horizon out there. The problem is that I can too often hold onto difficulties and will become obsessive over them until they are "resolved". Again, my definition of "resolution" is too restrictive. I'm excited by the theory, but apprehensive about the practice.... part of me thinks when it comes to honesty with others it's still a rather confused teenager trying to pull the words together.

I feel I've gone off track a lot. This is hard. And if I'm stressed I automatically start to close myself off from the things I know are beneficial to me (didn't do my walk *again* today). I almost want a situation where I'm exposed to a person at a time and given chance to figure them out before I move onto the next one. My experience seems to have been little/no emotional contact (home) to overwhelming competing perspectives, interactions and exchanges (school - and now work) and rather than getting strategies to cope with the environment (I'm more than slightly envious of Temple Grandin's strategy of experimentation and figuring stuff out in her formative years) I kept trying to "fix" myself instead of "be" myself. Even when things seem overwhelming now I'm looking for the fix, not allowing myself to be. 

But perhaps again I'm trying too hard too fast. I think the paradigm I'm working with is to try and understand ASC and NT's as different cultures. It's not so different. We see things differently, hold different values and have different outlooks. So maybe if I stopped trying to "correct myself" - which is what I think I keep slipping into - and tried to understand the NT world a bit more instead of just moving around in my small piece of it then maybe it might help things along a little when trying to relate to it (-sorry, relate to other people). 

I had doubts as to whether or not I would see this through past the halfway mark. I think I will - the experience of reflecting on the course is helping too in clarifying my thoughts, or if not, at least exposed some muddled thinking.