Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

I have some intolerance of uncertainty when I go out because I'm not very independent - I need to know that I won't become stranded - I wouldn't go abroad for example unless I was with a group of people - most of whom were aware of my problems - if I went with just one person and they broke their leg or something and I had to find my way home in my own, I would be so scared.  I think my fears are realistic because I lack certain skills and I'm not sure that other countries would hold my hand as much as this one - some might though.

All the time. And there are two reactions when you try and point it out. 

1. You're a trouble-maker.
2. They ignore you.

Plastic said:

I've boiled it down to two issues - sensory overload - everything is too sensitive to live comfortably - and the big one is a pathological need for certainty and predictability.

This is so much my experience too.

So this went into daily updates then I forgot to stop writing, so decided to put it here instead.

Weekends are too short.

I was exhausted after last week. Slept most of Friday evening and Saturday then gamed in my spare time (not the smartest of ways for me to unwind. It quietens my overactive brain but also I don't seem to relax properly).

Sunday (today) was much better. As I'm sort-of managing and in those kinds of management-type meetings (I'm covering again next week) I've dug into my book supply and started reading about leadership and teams. It's basic stuff but will give me a framework to work in. I'm not anticipating a whole load of HR stuff (I've only one member of staff, and besides the person, who I'm covering is still around and they seem quite happy to hold onto that!). 

The difficult thing is the conversations and meetings which I find absolutely exhausting. There were two scheduled ones on Thursday, each an hour, which I found almost wiped me out. So I'm very conscious of when it comes to working with data I'm in a very happy place. Numbers, graphs and all that kind of stuff - it has occurred to me that my equivalent on other teams don't have the same passion for information as I have, so where I'll make stuff digestible for other people - they'll sit there with an excel spreadsheet and talk around it (which comes onto another issue that I feel I can't learn from anyone in my corner of the company when it comes to visualising, cleansing and working with data. So in that sense-  I'm stuck).

When it comes to working with people I find that absolutely draining. So with one other - that's tough. With a meeting full of several people and all the back and forth that's really hard for me to keep track of. I was brought in to the conversation on a couple of occasions so people are conscious that I find it difficult to know when to jump in - but in terms of keeping up with what was happening, what the issues were, who was doing what - that can be a little too much for me to process. It's so much easier when there's a clear ask (or task) or when I've been given the run-down of things up front. 

As a result, every day last week I slept through most of the evening - and I don't know whether that's going to improve if I keep in this role. Another week - we'll see. But - in terms of growth, it'll give me a challenge and a reason to get up in the morning. 

Took my walk today - an hour and half, and soaked to the skin in the last 30 mins. So refreshing and again I'm reminded of the energizing power of nature and wonder why is it so hard sometimes to do the things which I know benefit my wellbeing? Other than this update, and buying a couple of essentials online, I haven't touched the PC today, so have created some headspace where I can just let my mind and emotions process and unwind - but it just seems the internal journey of "re-tuning" back to the everyday from work seems to take a bit longer than I would like.  

Second covid shot tomorrow. I've booked my own appointment this time so I don't pay a fortune in taxi's and get the time from work credited to travel to and from the vaccination centre. Buses are back to a normal timetable so although it's roughly a 45 min trip to get there with a change (10-15 in a taxi, because they take a sensible route!)  it shouldn't be too awkward for the trip. Although I could easily walk it in the same time it would take public transport (from the last taxi ride I took which was on the same route it wouldn't be the most exciting of walks).

Haven't travelled on a bus for ages - since working from home and moving to online deliveries for stuff (clothes are about the only things I actually go into a shop for) I haven't needed to. So the whole-take-a-bus-journey thing took a little bit of planning.

   You probably notice from my answers that I'm terrible at English - I do engineering english - short chunks of data without any flowery bits bolted on..      I was taught Pitman ITA as a child.       The ruination of millions of children's spelling skills.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

Because even if I cannot navigate a social situation in primary school, if I'm at least considerate/kind I will be readily offered help. 

It's one of the things we worked hard at - to instil the confidence to ask for help or let people know if things were becoming a problem *before* it was a a problem.      

One of my daughter's friends started to freak out at a Comiccon (it was packed) - but we had made sure she had the confidence to tell us and we got her out into the wide corridor area - but she said she couldn't cope with the number of people so we got her out completely - no fuss, no drama.

She felt guilty afterwards but we made sure that she knew it wasn't a problem - we went for pizza instead.

Dawn said:

The worst for me is travelling.  Don't get me wrong, I DO it.  I

Tell me about it!        I've taken autistic and partially sighted children to DisneyWorld in Florida - more than 20 times - if you can imagine the stress and the engineering required to make that happen safely for everyone.       There's sooooo much that can go wrong.

The rewards make it well worth the effort.

With you! Don't like uncertainty in events.  Makes me very insecure.  And don't like uncertainty much in concepts much either.  Maybe this, or maybe that will drive me bonkers until I know which one it is.

Plastic said:

a pathological need for certainty and predictability.

Yes! Again, Plastic.... I just thought that was just one facet of my core personality and nothing more.  I'm risk averse.  I like things planned and organised properly and find last minute changes stressful... why am I recognising so much of myself here. 

The worst for me is travelling.  Don't get me wrong, I DO it.  I took myself all over Europe when young.  I've taken myself off, all by myself in recent times, on family history trips to Ireland and Lake Como, but I am nervous all the way in case a taxi or a train doesn't turn up on time, or something is cancelled and I have to rearrange something from my careful planning en route.  I can feel the rise of panic while waiting for transport.  What if the plan doesn't work?????   Ahhhh!!!  Then, of course, I really don't like it if stations and airports are too busy.  And I won't go anywhere, where I don't speak enough of the language to know I can find a loo and buy a meal or a ticket.

Still, worth it for the beauty of that Lake.

Plastic said:

I've always found CBT is complete BS for auties - and the only reason it's still used is because we are bullied into telling them we feel better afterwards.    Our natural naive, people-pleaser nature makes us comply with these con-merchants.

WOW Plastic! You always hit the nail bang on the head.  Yes, CBT has been complete BS.  And yes I have felt that when I tell them that I don't feel better, they think I am a naughty, undeserving girl.

I don't people please mind just to be acceptable, so I won't say I feel better, if I don't.

Plastic - you and I could write a book! Or make a 'choose your adventure' parenting app! I've done the exact same - design engineer out problems, and especially incorporating these parenting elements. Phenomenology is an underrated art. Children need tools to learn and especially help thinking through life problems. The world is chaotic enough, home should have an essence of grounding. 

If I could add to your 2 issues, I would suggest a third is having an understanding of relationship and responsibility. The amount of parents who don't act like the adult- full stop. Even to internally choose kindness and dignity over being judgemental as an example to children who don't have the best social skills. Because even if I cannot navigate a social situation in primary school, if I'm at least considerate/kind I will be readily offered help. 

Took me a while to find my own thread. 

I guess I'm posting because it's been a month since I finished my course and I'm sort of checking-in to see how I feel I'm getting along. In the whole - not as well as I would have hoped. I'm not going under by any means - but I think I could be self managing better. With the move back to my regular role - and the ensuing chaos - I've not really had time or the energy to reflect on things. As it's the weekend, and it's early, I figured now might be a good time to take advantage and write out some thoughts (seeing also on how the cat decided to wake me at half five).

Self management v self awareness

Strangely this keeps coming up in conversations with folk at work. "You're very self aware" they keep telling me, not realising that it isn't self awareness that's the issue. It's self-management. So I'm very good at picking up on when I feel lousy (after I've been floored), and what set me off, I've been doing that for years. What I'm not so good at is checking-in and taking steps before it gets to that stage.

I've had a week of sleeping through the evening as soon as I finished work. That's not self-management. That's recovering after not handling my day particularly well. When I'm busy, when I get cognitively overloaded (through social exchanges) I don't do the necessities. I don't use the mood meter, I don't take five minutes to look out the window, I don't relax and mindfully make a brew. Looking back over the week I'm reminded of the constant stream of information - e-mails, MS group teams messages, conversations about how to do things (when I've already figured that out) chewing up into the additional time I need to do things without having my brain explode.

The problem is - is that I'm used to functioning on a dysfunctional level of stress, The business of managing myself and building in the right habits I find very difficult to do when the days is churning over as normal. I liken myself to some wheel/belt mechanism where the power is turned up and the wheel keeps turning faster and faster, smoke burning off the rubber belt, and then once the power is turned off it takes some time for the wheel to slow down and the belt to become slack. I keep allowing the power (stress) to be turned up.- and it takes a long time for me to slow down and find my balance again.

Intent is everything I've learned. Rather than get up and wrestle with getting through the day - I need to spend the first few minutes of every day setting my intent. "I will nudge myself to manage myself better today" and taking an action. Be it saying to someone "I'm feeling tired - can we pick this up later" or blocking out quiet time in my diary to work on a piece of work or even just deciding to take full lunches and breaks instead of steaming on through until "there's a gap" or even just reminding myself that people don't always make the best decisions (I've noticed how I've been on a churn just before breakfast thinking how we've been asked to do "x" when "y" would be so much better!!!!). But, as I have to keep reminding myself, my corner of the the office - in a virtual sense - is not at the cutting edge of the organisation I work in. A point made by HR when I had the conversation about my diagnosis.

Good Enough

So I've finally got a PC on it's way out to me. It's not the best value for money, it's not the best spec, I'm not getting it as quick as I would have hoped, it's not even the best flash-deal (I lost that one when I had to cancel the original order because I fudged the shipping address) but it's "good enough". 

I've always had this obsession about making the best (mean "right") decision and even though I've had long discussions with my therapist (and myself) that sometimes, most of the time, there isn't a best decision, there's the best I can do with the information I've got available - when it comes down to figures and stats I can get lost. So technical specs on a PC - or anything else for that matter - is a minefield. So after deciding I was going to get a new one (after not even considering the option of just living with a slightly cracked screen on my all in one which I'm learning to ignore or even just plugging the thing into a new monitor) I went through the usual hellish nightmare I always do when upgrading my mobile phone every five years or whatever it is. It all boils down to making the "best" decision. If I had the money to get whatever I wanted it'd be a nightmare. I'd still be obsessed about getting the best deal.

When I started mapping out things on an excel spreadsheet to see the optimal purchase configuration/price/delivery time and going into you-tube video's I figured things had to stop. What did I need this thing for?

Bluntly - to surf, stream and play some of my retro games which are a little bit too heavy on my integrated graphics card (which has served me well over the last few years). I also figured it made sense not to replace like for like (just get a monitor if I was going to do that) but kick everything up a gear and not obsesses about anything next-gen. Because I don't have time for it.

So I found my kit, a decent delivery time, accepted that there's a ton of folk out there who'd say I could get a better configuration for the money, shrugged my shoulders and said "so what?" and placed the order.

It's on its way and I feel better for it. 

(Things were so much simpler in 8 and 16 bit territory back in the day)

Take a breath

This was weird. It's probably the most productive 2 minutes I'll spend today but for some reason I was getting incredibly impatient waiting for breakfast to cook (two eggs in boiling water - 5 minutes!) and I my mind started to wonder. Here I was getting narked that a decent boiled egg didn't cook quicker and yet all week I've been feeling stressed, driven, weighed down because I didn't feel I had enough time. And here it was. 5 minutes of time all to me.

So I took it. Instead of pacing the kitchen (which is what I was doing) I forced myself to slow down, pick up my mood chart and find out where I was ("restless" if you're interested rated on 7 out of 10 for intensity - that's my own addition ) close my eyes and give myself time to check-in and "listen". 

It's actually incredibly the dross that runs through my head - they're not even thoughts, just a vague awareness that X and Y aren't quite as they should be and if Z hadn't had happened then we wouldn't be here - and it's all work stuff of course. I mean, what else could it be? Like there's nothing else which is important to my sense of order and well-being.

So I slowed down, focused on my breath, checked in with my emotions - and exploring them a bit (a habit I've let slip since reading Russ Harris' book), decoupling from some of my more obsessive thoughts and within a few minutes I became a little more grounded. I drifted for what seemed like double the time and the timer went. Five minutes had gone - and it had felt like ten minutes - maybe even longer. Much more grounded, focused and a little more present. Strangely it had felt like a lot of effort just to take the step to do something which was so simple and so beneficial. 

When I don't self-manage well, I don't feel present. I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions, having my thoughts scrambled trying to keep up with others random thinking and generally feeling weighed down when working to someone else's schedule and bombarded with useless information (as my organisation is prone too). I've steps I can take to change this but it reminds me that no matter how much of a better fit this role is for me now, it won't serve me well long term,. 

On the therapist - probably a bit of both.

I found mine on the counselling directory https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Didn't have much of a criteria - I used their bio's to start with and selected those who had a wide range of approaches - as there are many schools of counselling as there are actual counsellors, I was in danger of getting sucked into looking for the best theory and not the best counsellor). I also wanted someone who had supervisory experience which to me, was an indication of their expertise.

I also decided not to select a counsellor who I was attracted to by their photo. That could have been a distraction. 

Narrowed it down to three - as it happens the first trial session on my first choice worked for me so stayed with them. We worked together two to three times a month, price was an an issue there, over about 4-5 months and then it came to it's natural end. 

That time gave me much needed reflection space and "nudged" me into a place where I could better engage with myself and the world. We worked before we knew about my diagnosis and I still found the sessions helpful. I've checked in once or twice when I've felt like things were getting out of control but generally I'm self-managing now. 

Work did offer some talking-support, but like the NHS, it's all CBT unless you're assessed as having some other need. I won't engage with our occupational health provider since they fudged my last back-to-work assessment and glossed over my complaint about it. I decided then I wanted some control over the support I was getting. 

Financially it was a bit awkward, but it was worth it. 

It's uncanny the similarities in our stories. Upbringing, parents, experiences and I too had a period at the church albeit a much shorter one probably. 

Ethan said:

It's actually amazing how much tension the body carries. When my counsellor and I were probing around and my defenses were down I was taken aback as how I really felt when I thought about it - and I allowed myself to experience the feeling. I can think of many an early morning when my brain was re-processing where I'd be tensing, or my limbs "jerking" when I started to allow myself to feel again.

I had one moment similar a few years ago, where my whole body was trembling. I had no idea I was carrying this kind of stuff around with me. So I did what I normally did at the time - run away, ignore or escape it. The whole importance of the Holistic approach I had read about periodically is only now beginning to sink in as imperative for me.

Ethan said:

I have got more attuned to how I feel - I don't sit with it long enough. When I'm checking in on the mood chart I'll intellectually acknowledge the feeling, but I won't sit with it to become familiar with what it's like. I still have this "I feel ok and I'm going to do stuff" and "I don't feel ok, I need to rest until I do" approach to life.

I think this scares the sh!t out of most people and why so many of us struggle with meditation or awareness practices. The fear of the unknown, letting go, fearing losing control or completely surrendering. I've had some successes but also shutdowns due to expecting ' things to happen ' or to ' get it ' . Again, too much, too quickly. 

Ethan said:

Yep. I lived at the other end of the country from my parents but went back every year to visit. By day two I was un-ravelling. By the third day I had to get out of there and it took me a week to refocus myself back to some kind of normality. They're not around any more - and, this sounds awful to say, I feel liberated.

I actually understand that. I moved countries . I worked abroad a lot and felt liberated too. I remember the last period abroad where I had to return and temporarily live at home. The first thing I noticed was overwhelming negativity. It was like being put into a Bear-Pit and being delivered blow after blow of negativity. It was a period of regression for me. I was a slow learner in many of these aspects, and didn't see the bigger picture until much later. I think my processing is a bit quicker and clearer these days because of it. 

Ethan said:

Now I realise it's more about "nudges". Doing those small things day to day which take me in the right direction and still doing those things even when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I check in with myself more and ask myself how have I "nudged" myself today. I'm starting to develop an inner voice (or hear it) instead of doing things on autopilot. It's early days - but I've made more progress in my life in less than a year of diagnosis and private therapy than I ever did in the toxic brand of religion I was stuck with and its cookie-cut answers.

Yeah, I think you're right and is great advice. I think I struggled with perfectionism thinking of creating the perfect life rather than taking small steps in the right direction, one day at a time. I'm eager to try yoga to see if this helps with slowing down and establishing more balance. That's a statement I never thought I would be saying even a few years ago. The progress you have made in such a short period is miraculous & inspiring and must give you great hope and much more peace. Did you have a criteria for choosing a therapist or did you stumble across a suitable one by luck ?

Week 8: Putting it all Together

It's the end of the course today. Watched my final video, did the quiz and got my "well-done" e-mail. I found my answer to the stimulus-response issue - Brackett calls it a "meta-moment". In layman's terms, it's a pause. Give myself time to think and then choose how to respond. 

https://ideas.ted.com/feel-like-youre-about-to-lose-it-it-could-be-a-good-time-for-a-meta-moment/#:~:text=A%20Meta%2DMoment%20is%20when,and%20find%20a%20wiser%20response.

I'm not great at these - I'll still struggle in group meetings, especially if I think everyone is going off on the wrong tack, but I think when certain things happen, or I hear the latest fudge then it will be a skill worth practicing. Who's to say I can't ask for a moment, step back, do my thing before I re-engage? If I need it, then it makes sense to take it. 

Was the course worth it? I'm going to venture a "yes". I still have Yale's Mood Meters in the sitting room and my study so I can check in with myself. I've printed out the stuff on resilience and having difficult conversations - both are really useful. I'm reminded how much I'm going to have to actively engage with this material, as well as using other more autism-specific self-management strategies. 

I watched Brackett's video - I like him. Not just for his style but because of his personal history. He's very open and honest about it. He references his own struggles and in doing so does away  with the stereotype of "dusty academia" and replaces it with someone who's committed and passionate about his field driven by his own experiences and questions. If nothing else, he's inspired me a bit about how adversity can be re-moulded to a new outlook - maybe even a new direction. It's something for me to think about.

In many ways the course has helped me with self-reflection and writing my ideas out. I'm worried a little that I'll let this all slip - there seems so many strategies for everything that it's easy to feel overwhelmed. But, as I keep telling myself, trust my brain to soak it up and bring things out when necessary. And if things feel like they're going a little bit off track, then step back, take stock and refocus. It is all about nudging in the right direction.

I'll sort of miss the course in a weird way. The focus has helped - I've not been quite as committed some weeks and I noticed after the halfway point I was starting to lose interest a bit. But I've managed to take something away from each week, and even if I hadn't got that sense of motivation and achievement from previous weeks - the practice of reflecting on this thread (as well as reading others responses) has helped in a lot of ways by opening up insights and helping me "tune in" a little bit more to myself.

So with the end of the course, comes the end of the thread. Or maybe not - it has been useful to not only to reflect on here but sound off too. I may check in with it from time to time as a kind of journal. Or a place for my cathartic rants.   

There are lots of us out there, Juniper! I was told about narcissistic mothers and looked it up. Bingo! A description of her on the page. I have been part of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers groups on Facebook which helped, everyone said the same 'I feel like we may have had the same mum!' My local friend has the same situation with her mum.
It's a definite phenomenon.

It's actually amazing how much tension the body carries. When my counsellor and I were probing around and my defenses were down I was taken aback as how I really felt when I thought about it - and I allowed myself to experience the feeling. I can think of many an early morning when my brain was re-processing where I'd be tensing, or my limbs "jerking" when I started to allow myself to feel again.

The "body keeps the score" is a book I've got but still not got round to reading yet. Peter Levine ("Waking the Tiger") does similar work and I have got more attuned to how I feel - I don't sit with it long enough. When I'm checking in on the mood chart I'll intellectually acknowledge the feeling, but I won't sit with it to become familiar with what it's like. I still have this "I feel ok and I'm going to do stuff" and "I don't feel ok, I need to rest until I do" approach to life.

Turtle said:

I've noticed it can happen with old friends or family members, where I seem to get sucked into some kind of magnetic vortex and before I know it, I'm either being triggered emotionally or I seem to slip into conversation patterns from the past that I've tried to avoid doing more recently.

Yep. I lived at the other end of the country from my parents but went back every year to visit. By day two I was un-ravelling. By the third day I had to get out of there and it took me a week to refocus myself back to some kind of normality. They're not around any more - and, this sounds awful to say, I feel liberated. I've got the space now to work things through emotionally and despite some folk at work being hopeless with my diagnosis (I can't expect everyone to just "get it") I've connections with people there who are at least trying to understand and are actively supporting me. It's taking time - and I've built in weekly check-ins with my direct manager so I can explain my way of thinking and what I'm finding challenging. They're still trying to say the "right thing" (the curse of managers worldwide) and it'll take time, but as I've learned, it's stories that make impressions on people. Not checklist or fact-sheets.

Turtle said:

the more digging I do or the more hard work or study I put in, the more success or progress I will make and one day I will wake-up completely ' cured '.

This is exactly the abyss I'm in danger of falling into. I used to be a very religious person (in the evangelical, charismatic church - completely toxic to my personality) and I was an emotional wreck. I used to believe that if I could just get the "right faith", get in the "right place", understand theology then I'd have this victorious life everyone kept talking about. It's crazy looking back - but I linked an overwhelming emotional experience with evidence of a divine "something" and then placed my faith in authorities and leaders within the movement. The idea that people would preach stuff they didn't experience or practice for themselves was totally lost on me. 

Now I realise it's more about "nudges". Doing those small things day to day which take me in the right direction and still doing those things even when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I check in with myself more and ask myself how have I "nudged" myself today. I'm starting to develop an inner voice (or hear it) instead of doing things on autopilot. It's early days - but I've made more progress in my life in less than a year of diagnosis and private therapy than I ever did in the toxic brand of religion I was stuck with and its cookie-cut answers. I've still fond memories of the Quakers though -  who were just about holding the tension of theists with non-theists  - but these days I find my outlook reflected in a lot of different traditions (James Fowler calls it "conjunctive faith" which sits well with me). 

I think you're spot on about pacing yourself. I have loads of books which I buy on the fly because there's something that will interest me. The minute that book pile becomes a thing I have to achieve and will hold the answers to all then I'll sink into melancholy. It's the moments where I'm learning how to relax which holds the key.... and finding the right activities where just the experience is enough and I don't have to achieve anything. I'm still struggling to find something playful to do.... and get in the right mindset where "playful" is all right.

Totally get this. What I've learned during all this covid thing is that despite having learned much intellectually and having had more awareness successes, there are still old reactions/responses/feelings stored in my body repeating themselves. Old patterns that seem to stick a spanner in the works like I've been ambushed and sabotaged along the road of progress. I've noticed it can happen with old friends or family members, where I seem to get sucked into some kind of magnetic vortex and before I know it, I'm either being triggered emotionally or I seem to slip into conversation patterns from the past that I've tried to avoid doing more recently. Feels like I've been hooked & reeled in by a fishing rod and then I get upset afterwards for not being more aware. I guess I'm getting better though otherwise I wouldn't be aware of it at all which I must continue to remind myself is progress.

The worst is when I get overwhelmed by going too far into things too quickly or all at once, that I must have unconsciously told myself at some point ; the more digging I do or the more hard work or study I put in, the more success or progress I will make and one day I will wake-up completely ' cured '. When I overload myself like this of course, I seem to achieve the opposite and the old, destructive patterns of escape are presenting themselves like honey to a Bee. The old, overwhelm - escape pattern that has been so much of struggle and part of my unconsciousness for so long has been exposed and the spotlight shone on it. Now I have to try to break this destructive cycle by bringing more awareness to overloading myself with too much, too fast and learn to pace myself and to structure-in more healthy pursuits of escape, and in turn, change the word escape to leisure-time or relaxation or something.

Although still undiagnosed, I have heard recommendations for the book ' The body keeps the score ' and although I haven't read it yet, somehow, the title is enough for me to know that despite all the spade-work I have done intellectually or from awareness practice, that it may very well be, my body is still carrying around a lot of sticky residue that needs dislodged. Having read interviews with the author and some of his patients, I am determined to exercise more and once possible, enroll in some kind of rehabilitation Yoga suitable for trauma or PTSD which I believe I am symptomatic of from childhood and also having stored-up everything by myself with no meaningful release mechanisms. 

yes - NTs love to bring things up again because they can't get their satisfaction from us - they want their emotional needs met and we can't often guess what they're looking for.

There's also huge risks involved in this incompatibility - medical appointments.

I've found I'm incredibly vulnerable because the conversation is mainly a technical transfer but it's littered with highly emotive, project-critical information wrapped in emotional wrappers which overload me, the recipient.  I can't guarantee I'm receiving the data correctly because I overload so easily - I need days to unpack the information and process the information before I can make a decision - and I often need to go back 3 spaces to check the technical information I thought I received is an accurate representation of what was said.   My memory system completely malfunctions.so I need a witness with me as a note-taker.   It's almost like a trance state when things turn icky.

Absolutely. People need to come with manuals so I don't waste time having to figure them out or unintentionally crossing the red wire with the blue one.

I've never been very good at resolving those non-work issues with people which is probably why I never place myself in relationships where there's opportunities for those kinds of friction. But even in work I struggle to address those issues which fall into the "working together" box. If its about a technical issue or question- I function absolutely fine with that (mostly). If it's about how someone is working and its impact on me I'm hopeless. I don't manage myself particularly well in those stressy conversation-spaces and get very defensive. But then NTs - I've noticed, don't always address those issues either.

What's more, if it all goes sideways, I don't have those skills to bring the relationship back on track by focusing on commonalities, the small-talk stuff or whatever-else-it-is NTs use to figure this stuff out. To me, it's all about the issue which has to be resolved. It can't be parked. If I wanted to park it, I wouldn't have brought it up.

Yes - work / technical conversations have no emotional requirement - it's a data transfer between brains.

Anything else is incredibly risky - who knows where it could go and there are always so many exposed nerves that can be accidentally tweaked to trigger all sorts of random emotions.