Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Was it really 4 months ago since I did this course?

I'm very angry and I feel completely let down today.

I'm currently in a temporary managerial role which lasts until the middle of next month. Generally I've found it ok, the feedback has been good and it's been enjoyable to get the wider picture of how the operation works. The daily meetings have been challenging (especially when there's a lot of back and forth between people) so I can leave those feeling drained. On the whole - I've been doing fine, perhaps sleeping a bit more than usual, a little more frazzled with the cognitive load but I thought I was adjusting well.

So what I'm about to write seems minor. Maybe it isn't. I don't feel I have a lot of perspective right now. 

I was asked to write a letter requesting something from another (very senior) person in another part of the organisation. To me, the ask should have come from a senior grade which I questioned but was pushed back to me and I agreed anyway. It was extra work, I took some time out, I stayed late, drafted the output which was shared and everyone agreed was ok, sent it .... and then...

and then.... it turns out that I didn't have to write it at all. Someone, somewhere else had not only written out about the same ask, it had already been replied to over two weeks ago. The response had been sat in an in-box and no-one had thought to check.

That wasn't the worst of it.

This afternoon I was advised by the person who I'm covering for about what had happened -to which I replied with a mildly stroppy message - not personal but expressing frustration at the situation. It's been a long week. I've worked late, I feel tired - I was hoping to finish on a high (or at least content) and I dropped a line to a colleague, who technically I'm managing, who apparently not only knew about the email but also about my response - which had been sent, I thought, in confidence. It's no joy intending to share something with someone only to find out they knew already because of gossip behind the scenes.

And then I shut down (actually I shut down once I'd read the work wasn't needed), but I shut down even more when I found out about the gossip. And I'm still shut down. I'm not sure how to deal with this. 

I'm angry that my time was wasted. I'm constantly being asked for output but it either gets shelved or I find out it wasn't needed because the ask was either wrong in the first place or it's been duplicated elsewhere. More so I'm annoyed that gossip took place so someone knew something before I'd had opportunity to tell them. Now I'm wondering what else has been said and what other conversations have been taking place. Probably quite a few. And knowing stuff has been said about me leaves me feeling vulnerable. 

So how do I respond to this setback? I'm going to have to figure out a way to deal with it. I feel totally disengaged, but I'm seeing a cycle. I do a lower paid job. I get bored. I take an opportunity because it looks interesting - and the money helps. I get scraped, for whatever reason. I shut down. I disengage. I quit. I start again.

And it's when I'm angry. It's all the things I know go on, that I sort-of tolerate, that when it hits me this way my thinking becomes very rigid and I become defensive. I know this is how things work. It's how people work. If I read about this in a book there'd be some great anecdote to the story, or a "lesson learnt" or a moment of growth. But there is no book, no anecdote - and I feel isolated and dumped on. Three people who all have a hand in this project and the ask know about this - no-one has apologised. I logged off this afternoon without hearing from any of them (apart from the one who directed my attention to the you-didn't-need-to-write-that-email in the first place). It's now become an issue of trust - and I've spoken to people who've been down a similar road and decided to just do enough to get paid because to do anything more gets wasted. 

There's nothing more to say. I took this as a test to see how I'd react and handle to different situations now I know what I know from my diagnosis. After today, I'm really doubting if I've got the skills or the cognitive "space" (for want of a better word) to navigate this. I'm trying to think it through but my brain has switched off along with my emotions. 

I would be exactly the same. I'm currently having a meltdown because of poor customer service at Nintendo over a £6.50 payment so I'd be a mess if it was something that really mattered to me and took up all of my energy like a work situation. I nearly CRIED over the inability of the customer service to do which to me seems like a very straight forward transaction between two consoles and two accounts on the same family group. Logic eludes a lot of neurotypical people, and they generally lack any independent thought. 

I would be exactly the same. I'm currently having a meltdown because of poor customer service at Nintendo over a £6.50 payment so I'd be a mess if it was something that really mattered to me and took up all of my energy like a work situation. I nearly CRIED over the inability of the customer service to do which to me seems like a very straight forward transaction between two consoles and two accounts on the same family group. Logic eludes a lot of neurotypical people, and they generally lack any independent thought. 

They also operate in a strange vacuum of vagueness. Someone commented on how reasoned out my position (on a random work issue) was today before ducking all of my points then countering them with things they couldn't back up.

It was funny. But I was very, very annoyed first.

Ethan said:

I find regular folk really hard work.

Yesssss! They can't make the simplest deductions or inferences...

M said:

Logic eludes a lot of neurotypical people, and they generally lack any independent thought. 

I was once with a certain energy provider and because I had a smart meter from another company had to give a manual meter reading. I didn't know how so contacted the company.

The company basically said their customer service team wasn't "smart meter trained" so couldn't help me and then in the same breath said I was perfectly capable of finding the information for myself.

So they were expecting me to figure out how to do something they couldn't do themselves!

I lost my sh*t, made a complaint and got an apology along with £50 compensation for crappy service. This is after I tore into the first tier complaint system for not addressing the problem after they claimed  they'd done nothing wrong.

I find regular folk really hard work.