Published on 12, July, 2020
It should be legal for people Aspergers. There is no greater gift you could possibly give me than to spare me living the rest of my life in this hell.
You type in anything that google construes as seeking help on how to kill yourself, it's all censored and you get Samaritans and the NHS and all that "get help" crap. It fucking infuriates me. When I'm 40 and my life has still gone nowhere I'm going to go on the dark web. I bet there are real suicide sites that google is hiding and I'll find them.
Have felt the same way too and have done the same as you, googling advise on how to die. I've even found the websites that you say google is hiding. Have tried to kill myself a few times. Even now, I can kill myself if I want to as I have a known means to do so. But I stopped after a while because, at least for now, it's not worth it on many fronts. It's not worth getting a medical record that puts you at risk of being sectioned. The means of suicide are really not worth your money when you could be spending it on a good dinner or a good concert. And most of all the people who are making your life hell are not worth your life. I'm not saying that your life is actually great nor that you haven't discovered the good things. Of course you're in a terrible place to want to die, and I wish so much that I could reach my hand to you in real life. I'm just saying the things and people pressing against your neck aren't worth your life. Don't give them that. It's not your fault, not our fault, that we're autistic, so why punish yourself in the ultimate way? And to want to die shows that you do care about your life - you care that it isn't what you'd like it to be. It shows that you do have a vision of what your life should be like - you do have a hope, whether you think it's realistic or not.
But if that's too much to think about, surely there are some small things that make you smile? What's your favourite movie? Do you like reading? I think you'd enjoy Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus, if you haven't read it already. Or would it help to go hiking or camping, getting away from pesky humanity? Are there goals you've always wanted to achieve but never got around to doing, like learning a new instrument? Please let us know how you're feeling, when you're up to it
I'm intrigued by these reliable means of suicide that you acquired for a princely sum, but I'll leave it to those illegal websites to find out about that.
Thanks for the recommendation; I will add Beevor to my reading list. Are you feeling better since you last wrote?
Well, I personally know people who got firsts from top unis who are either complete douches, moral vacuums, or both (more common). I think there's only so much a termly exam can measure, and I've personally done well in some essays in which I invented quotations, statistics and other crap.
Personally, I feel that people who have wanted to die at any point tend to have above-average intellect, because we had to go through a lot of thought to challenge the natural assumption that life is worth living. It was David Hume who wrote a whole treatise "On Suicide" and Camus who wrote "Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy." (from Myth of Sisyphus) So, count yourself highly intelligent.
I think my Dad might have that book. He's the photographer in the house. I've actually been to the Vietnam war museum in Saigon. All I remember is the pictures of agent orange victims, most horrible thing I've ever seen.
I'm into the works of war historian Anthony Beevor. I've read his account of Stalingrad and I'm halfway through his book about the Ardenne. I struggle to motivate myself to read because I'm extremely insecure about my intellect. My mother and sister are academic aces. I think I'm as smart as them but with my Aspergers I could never get a first in history or anything.
Why not? And what happened to the volunteer gardening job?
I've tried to get into free video games but COD Warzone won't work on my laptop :-(
What's the last history book you read? Mine is Vietnam Inc, a photo journal by war photographer Philip Jones Griffith, with an introduction by Chomsky. You might like it, if you haven't read it already
I like video games and history books. I used to have a volunteer gardening job that I really liked and I occasionally help my mum out with the garden at home. I can't do any of these things most of the time though.
Well, to be clear, I didn't get those means from the websites. Those websites are in fact really outdated and the things they recommend have been off the market for some years now. I acquired what I have through many coincidences and only found out they were dangerous by chance. What I meant was I did try to look things up like you. I left out the fact that what I found was no longer relevant. In any case, why not spend all this time searching on something more productive? What's one thing you enjoy, or used to enjoy?