Burnout

I've got an appointment with my GP this morning at 9.30.  I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to say.  I'll tell her what happened, and why it had such a profound effect on me - for reasons going back to childhood.  The last time I felt as bad a I did yesterday at work was 20 years ago.  I had a major breakdown after that.  Then, in 2010, something similar which also led to a breakdown.

I have a lot of support at work - colleagues I get on with, support measures in place, an appointment next week with the behavioural support team.  Yet none of it seems to compensate for the stress I feel each day going in, and my fear of bumping into this woman.  And NT friend said 'Just ignore her and go about your day.'  I wish I could.  But I'm on constant tenterhooks.  Even if it's a day when I'm unlikely to see the woman at all.  And I need valium just to be able to walk up the road to the door of the place.

I don't want to lose this job.  I don't want my position long-term to be called into question in any way.  At the same time, I'm not sure I feel up to the stresses of it now.  One side of me is saying 'Go in again next week and just see how it goes.'  And then the other side of me is saying 'But what if it goes wrong again?  What then?'

I just feel bewildered by it all.  I don't like letting people down.  I don't want to feel like a malingerer.  They know I do a good job.  If this thing hadn't happened, I'd be okay.

I guess I'll just see what the doctor has to say.

Have you read this article on autism and trauma in Spectrum News Tom? It is helping me to understand why incidents at work have a particularly devastating impact on me: https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/intersection-autism-trauma/

Thanks.  Will go check it now.  I have a meeting next week with the behaviour team and my manager to discuss my current problems and to see what can be done to accommodate me better.  It will be good to go in with some information like this to back me up.

Burnout animation #liveforwards https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dJdLc6tkvO4

They've seen this, anyway...

Who's An Autie Boy?

In that case, you can emphasis the positive. The reason you have done so many jobs is that you like to go in as a contract trouble-shooter, find the problems and sort them out. You thrive on the challenge, and once you have met the challenge, you move on. I don't think that is negative at all, in fact all companies need people like you on occasion.

I also did a lot of overthinking around the time of my assessment, but a year on from diagnosis, I am happy to report that I am really comfortable with it now. Try to find a moment to remind yourself that while you may have some deficits, you probably have some strengths that are down to your autism too.

Can you get to the nub of problems in your crisis management jobs because you can hyper-focus until you have figured it out? Do you have great attention to detail because you become fascinated / obsessed with finding the cause? Are you still hunting an elusive bug 3 days after everyone else got bored and gave up? It's not all negatives, and you know what? If I could trade in the challenges AND the benefits and have a simple life being NT, I would turn that down flat :-)

Ha ha you shouldn't be blushing! I've read some of the pieces you've posted links to, and you have a rare talent for capturing the real voice of your characters. This is what makes me think that if you wrote the "story" of that day, even in the third person if that's easier, and presented it to them, they would really get it, and get what it felt like to you at the time.

Good to hear though that the behavioural manager "gets it" .... at least she should know where you're coming from. 

Thanks, Moggsy.  I'm blushing!

I think I know the narrative well enough to say it out loud to them - and yes, I think you're right that I need to be forthright.  The managers are NT, but the senior behavioural manager has demonstrated to me clearly enough that she understands, and isn't just relying on her training.  She has an Aspie in her family, which helps. 

i endorse what Moggsy advises - exactly what I would have suggested had I been able to unscramble my thoughts and find the right words () 

Thank you so much, this helps a great deal. I have done lots of fixed term and risky jobs in my time - I always liked getting new things started or rescuing projects that had hit the rocks. Directness, focus and logical/systematic/lateral thinking were strengths in such situations. 

On upbeat days I wouldn't trade my idiosyncratic career history for a gold-plated pension and 40 years in the same job. I used to say a silent mantra to bad bosses which went: "Thank you for making my life so difficult that I am leaving to begin a new career adventure" 

Because I'm in the midst of my autism assessment I'm overthinking things more than usual. This includes replaying scenes from my earlier life and trying to make sense of them. I am also undermining my confidence  in my own capabilities by focusing too much on autistic deficits. I wish my brain had an off switch!

Exactly as you said it here, I think. If you feel she was trying to goad you, say so, That's not making a complaint, it's explaining how the incident happened, or more importantly how she aggravated the situation rather than making it better. It is also worth explaining why that means she has lost your respect and you can no longer trust her, and what a devastating effect being let down like that has had on you. 

You've got nothing to lose by resorting to total Aspie bluntness I don't think. In fact you have everything to gain. As you have said, you like many aspects of the job, you like the service users and you don't really want to leave. 

If you don't tell them exactly why this has caused you huge problem, you stand to lose a job that you don't want to leave. You still respect and trust your manager, and she has given you no reason to do otherwise. Maybe if you are completely honest with her, she can help? Assuming the managers are NT, they may not have a grasp of our sort of morality, and why this whole situation is so painful to you, unless you spell it out for them.

Good luck, I really hope you manage to get through to them.

.... just thinking, you write so eloquently, have you thought about writing the story of what happened (including how it made you feel) and giving that to your manager and the behavioural support folks? You could ask them to start the meeting by reading it. If it's hard to verbalise, that might be the best way to  get it out there, especially given your talents

Exactly as you said it here, I think. If you feel she was trying to goad you, say so, That's not making a complaint, it's explaining how the incident happened, or more importantly how she aggravated the situation rather than making it better. It is also worth explaining why that means she has lost your respect and you can no longer trust her, and what a devastating effect being let down like that has had on you. 

You've got nothing to lose by resorting to total Aspie bluntness I don't think. In fact you have everything to gain. As you have said, you like many aspects of the job, you like the service users and you don't really want to leave. 

If you don't tell them exactly why this has caused you huge problem, you stand to lose a job that you don't want to leave. You still respect and trust your manager, and she has given you no reason to do otherwise. Maybe if you are completely honest with her, she can help? Assuming the managers are NT, they may not have a grasp of our sort of morality, and why this whole situation is so painful to you, unless you spell it out for them.

Good luck, I really hope you manage to get through to them.

.... just thinking, you write so eloquently, have you thought about writing the story of what happened (including how it made you feel) and giving that to your manager and the behavioural support folks? You could ask them to start the meeting by reading it. If it's hard to verbalise, that might be the best way to  get it out there, especially given your talents

Burnout animation #liveforwards https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dJdLc6tkvO4

They've seen this, anyway...

Who's An Autie Boy?

Ha ha you shouldn't be blushing! I've read some of the pieces you've posted links to, and you have a rare talent for capturing the real voice of your characters. This is what makes me think that if you wrote the "story" of that day, even in the third person if that's easier, and presented it to them, they would really get it, and get what it felt like to you at the time.

Good to hear though that the behavioural manager "gets it" .... at least she should know where you're coming from. 

Thanks, Moggsy.  I'm blushing!

I think I know the narrative well enough to say it out loud to them - and yes, I think you're right that I need to be forthright.  The managers are NT, but the senior behavioural manager has demonstrated to me clearly enough that she understands, and isn't just relying on her training.  She has an Aspie in her family, which helps.