Published on 12, July, 2020
That's all it can be. Since the meltdown at work on Tuesday, things have gone from bad to worse. My manager has promised that I won't have to work around the two attack-dog colleagues for as long as necessary, and has arranged for me to see someone from the behavioural team once a fortnight. But I've lost over 3 lbs in weight, can't eat and can't sleep. My blood pressure has always been 'normal'. Now it's on the borderline between hypertension Stage 1 and Stage 2. My heart is pounding so hard that it's keeping me awake. My head is killing me. At work today, I was on edge the whole time. Just catching a glimpse of one of the culprits sent me running to hide. The last time I was like this was 20 years ago, when I was bullied badly at work and ended up being so sick that I wouldn't go out for weeks - and every time I saw a red car (the colour of the bully's car) I'd duck into shop doorways until it had passed.
It's like PTSD. I can't live like this.
I've got an appointment with my GP this morning at 9.30. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to say. I'll tell her what happened, and why it had such a profound effect on me - for reasons going back to childhood. The last time I felt as bad a I did yesterday at work was 20 years ago. I had a major breakdown after that. Then, in 2010, something similar which also led to a breakdown.
I have a lot of support at work - colleagues I get on with, support measures in place, an appointment next week with the behavioural support team. Yet none of it seems to compensate for the stress I feel each day going in, and my fear of bumping into this woman. And NT friend said 'Just ignore her and go about your day.' I wish I could. But I'm on constant tenterhooks. Even if it's a day when I'm unlikely to see the woman at all. And I need valium just to be able to walk up the road to the door of the place.
I don't want to lose this job. I don't want my position long-term to be called into question in any way. At the same time, I'm not sure I feel up to the stresses of it now. One side of me is saying 'Go in again next week and just see how it goes.' And then the other side of me is saying 'But what if it goes wrong again? What then?'
I just feel bewildered by it all. I don't like letting people down. I don't want to feel like a malingerer. They know I do a good job. If this thing hadn't happened, I'd be okay.
I guess I'll just see what the doctor has to say.
Have you read this article on autism and trauma in Spectrum News Tom? It is helping me to understand why incidents at work have a particularly devastating impact on me: https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/intersection-autism-trauma/
Thanks. Will go check it now. I have a meeting next week with the behaviour team and my manager to discuss my current problems and to see what can be done to accommodate me better. It will be good to go in with some information like this to back me up.
Burnout animation #liveforwards https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dJdLc6tkvO4
They've seen this, anyway...
Who's An Autie Boy?
In that case, you can emphasis the positive. The reason you have done so many jobs is that you like to go in as a contract trouble-shooter, find the problems and sort them out. You thrive on the challenge, and once you have met the challenge, you move on. I don't think that is negative at all, in fact all companies need people like you on occasion.
I also did a lot of overthinking around the time of my assessment, but a year on from diagnosis, I am happy to report that I am really comfortable with it now. Try to find a moment to remind yourself that while you may have some deficits, you probably have some strengths that are down to your autism too.
Can you get to the nub of problems in your crisis management jobs because you can hyper-focus until you have figured it out? Do you have great attention to detail because you become fascinated / obsessed with finding the cause? Are you still hunting an elusive bug 3 days after everyone else got bored and gave up? It's not all negatives, and you know what? If I could trade in the challenges AND the benefits and have a simple life being NT, I would turn that down flat :-)
Ha ha you shouldn't be blushing! I've read some of the pieces you've posted links to, and you have a rare talent for capturing the real voice of your characters. This is what makes me think that if you wrote the "story" of that day, even in the third person if that's easier, and presented it to them, they would really get it, and get what it felt like to you at the time.
Good to hear though that the behavioural manager "gets it" .... at least she should know where you're coming from.