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Burnout

Martian Tom
over 5 years ago

That's all it can be.  Since the meltdown at work on Tuesday, things have gone from bad to worse.  My manager has promised that I won't have to work around the two attack-dog colleagues for as long as necessary, and has arranged for me to see someone from the behavioural team once a fortnight.  But I've lost over 3 lbs in weight, can't eat and can't sleep.  My blood pressure has always been 'normal'.  Now it's on the borderline between hypertension Stage 1 and Stage 2.  My heart is pounding so hard that it's keeping me awake.  My head is killing me.  At work today, I was on edge the whole time.  Just catching a glimpse of one of the culprits sent me running to hide.  The last time I was like this was 20 years ago, when I was bullied badly at work and ended up being so sick that I wouldn't go out for weeks - and every time I saw a red car (the colour of the bully's car) I'd duck into shop doorways until it had passed.

It's like PTSD.  I can't live like this.

Parents
  • over 5 years ago

    I've got an appointment with my GP this morning at 9.30.  I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to say.  I'll tell her what happened, and why it had such a profound effect on me - for reasons going back to childhood.  The last time I felt as bad a I did yesterday at work was 20 years ago.  I had a major breakdown after that.  Then, in 2010, something similar which also led to a breakdown.

    I have a lot of support at work - colleagues I get on with, support measures in place, an appointment next week with the behavioural support team.  Yet none of it seems to compensate for the stress I feel each day going in, and my fear of bumping into this woman.  And NT friend said 'Just ignore her and go about your day.'  I wish I could.  But I'm on constant tenterhooks.  Even if it's a day when I'm unlikely to see the woman at all.  And I need valium just to be able to walk up the road to the door of the place.

    I don't want to lose this job.  I don't want my position long-term to be called into question in any way.  At the same time, I'm not sure I feel up to the stresses of it now.  One side of me is saying 'Go in again next week and just see how it goes.'  And then the other side of me is saying 'But what if it goes wrong again?  What then?'

    I just feel bewildered by it all.  I don't like letting people down.  I don't want to feel like a malingerer.  They know I do a good job.  If this thing hadn't happened, I'd be okay.

    I guess I'll just see what the doctor has to say.

  • over 5 years ago in reply to Martian Tom

    Have you read this article on autism and trauma in Spectrum News Tom? It is helping me to understand why incidents at work have a particularly devastating impact on me: https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/intersection-autism-trauma/

  • over 5 years ago in reply to Sunflower

    Thanks.  Will go check it now.  I have a meeting next week with the behaviour team and my manager to discuss my current problems and to see what can be done to accommodate me better.  It will be good to go in with some information like this to back me up. Smiley

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