Aspergers, Friendships and Depression

You are overthinking.  But isn't overthinking what we do?  I do it all the time, and have done for years.  I get a reaction from someone - a gruff or unexpected response to something I've said or done, maybe - and automatically I'm putting myself in the spotlight of self-analysis.  'What have I said?  What have I done?'  One of the useful things I picked up from doing CBT is to try not to pin the blame always on myself, but to consider the other reasons people may have for their behaviour.  It might be nothing to do with me at all.  So I look for evidence to back up my theory that it's my fault, and often there isn't any.  I'm worrying over nothing - or, at least, very little.

A problem that I have - and that many of we Aspies have, probably - is two-fold.  I often struggled to make friends in my teens and 20s, so I tended to be a people-pleaser to try to get people liking me.  I would often go out of my way in this respect.  Which meant I sometimes got let down, because I was trying to please the wrong people.  The other thing is, I found it difficult to understand another person's point of view, or how they were feeling about something.  So I always naturally interpreted some negativity or odd behaviour towards me as being somehow my fault - whereas it might just have been that they were having a bad day.  And I never really thought to ask them what kind of day they were having!

I spite of having a few more insights now, I still get puzzled by other people's behaviour - and think that somehow I'm at fault.  A few years ago, I worked in a local supermarket.  I was quite friendly with one of the women who worked on the checkouts.  She was about my age, married, very kind and chatty.  We often used to pass the time.  She knew my mother was unwell, and she'd often ask about her.  She was liked by a lot of people, and seemed very genuine and caring.  When I gave up work to care for mum in her final months, I'd often go into the supermarket, and if I saw this woman she'd always ask how things were going.  She'd lost her husband quite suddenly earlier that year, which had been a dreadful blow, but getting back to work had helped her.  She used to give me a lot of encouragement about the fact that I was doing a great job in caring, and I'd never regret being there for mum.  When mum finally passed away, too, she was one of the first to say 'If ever you need anything, just say.'  The kind of things many people say at such a time, of course.  But she was genuine about it.  One day, I went to her to ask for the number of a medium she knew.  She told me this person had helped her tremendously when her husband had died, and the medium was a personal friend of hers.  I saw that medium, and she was helpful.  Afterwards, my friend asked me how it had gone, and I told her.  We chatted quite a bit about it.  We remained friendly.  Whenever I went in there for shopping and saw her, she would ask how I was coping, etc.  Still friendly.  And then, one day, I went in there and said hello to her in passing her checkout - and she looked up and half-smiled at me and gave a muted response.  I thought it was odd, but said nothing.  Then it happened again.  I went in and she came to check a code on my self-service till, and didn't really speak.  After that, whenever I was in there, she didn't seem to acknowledge me.  Then, about a month ago, I was walking in the High Street and saw her walking towards me, about fifty yards off.  As I got closer, she stepped out and crossed the street without looking my way.  When I was level with her, I called across 'Hello, J-'.  She turned quickly, with a blank face (she'd clearly seen me coming, which was why she'd crossed) and said 'I'm sorry... I can't stop.'  And that was it.  Since then, she still doesn't acknowledge me in the supermarket.  I've no idea what it's all about.  I really can't fathom it.  I've thought about it time and time again.  It makes no sense.  But I've decided it's not me.  It can't be.  I've neither said nor done anything to her, or against her.  Very strange.  But I can't expend any more psychic energy on it.  Maybe she's having a delayed reaction to her husband's death, and is just shutting off from people.  Who knows?

That is strange. Sometimes people seem to do that if it is work. They get totally into work mode. The boss may have something to do with it too, discouraging fraternising with customers. Could she have misread the situation and feared there was a romantic thing happening even if there wasn't?

That is strange. Sometimes people seem to do that if it is work. They get totally into work mode. The boss may have something to do with it too, discouraging fraternising with customers. Could she have misread the situation and feared there was a romantic thing happening even if there wasn't?

Similar kind of thing.  Either that, or people say that phrase that always gets my back up: Go with the flow.

I had a t-shirt made up with the slogan 'If you go with the flow, you'll end up on the rocks!'

With me sometimes, don’t know about you, if I’m over-analysing something not only do I become “fixated” on it, but if people ask me what’s wrong and I tell them, they then reply with get over it most of the time. Telling me to “get over it” really doesn’t help at all as it’s just the way I think and regardless of all the techniques I’ve learnt there will still be days when over analysis happens 

Quite the opposite.  It's always been a bit of a down-at-heel town.  A large working-class population.  Those 'up the hill' have a bit more money.  Lots of self-made people.  It's very conservative (big and small 'c'), with a lot of support for Ukip.  No... in some ways it's more like a form of Royston Vasey from 'The League of Gentlemen'.  Very provincial and parochial.  I got a stern telling off early the other Sunday morning for cycling (slowly) down a short seafront path that has a 'No Cycling' sign at the head.  Fair enough, if it was crowded.  But there was no one else about at all - except this old geezer walking along the top road, about 30 yards from me.  We argued the toss for a moment.  I wouldn't have minded if he'd been polite, but he was very 'blustering brigadier' from the off. In the end, he said 'It doesn't matter if there's no one about.  'No Cycling' means just that.  So you're in the wrong.'

Well, technically yes... but for heaven's sake!

Is it a very bourgeois place? 

There was a town I lived in I grew to hate, as so many people there were up themselves. I dare say they saw me as needy, which is about as insulting as it gets. I have an artist friend who experienced similar things. He had a breakdown and realised afterwards he was not middle class as he once saw himself, but working class. He was academicslly successful but in the eyes of this true bourgeois around him, the oik still betrayed itself on the way he used speech.

As with me. And my long-distance partner.

I moved to a city that was an old car town and I never felt there the way all these nice roght-on people made me feel in that other town. Snobs.

It's like over-analysis, too.  I find it very hard to make decisions.  Always have.  I once spent over 6 months trying to decide which of two cameras to buy.  I'd spend whole evenings and weekends poring over reviews, tech specs, etc.  It became an obsession.  My wife at the time said 'Just make a decision and go with it.'  But what if it was the wrong decision?  Whenever I've done anything at all on impulse, it's usually backfired on me in some way.  But 6 months to decide between two very similar cameras?

I see what you mean. Yes, I probably am overthinking, but unfortunately as you say that is what we do. I have done it for years as well and still do sometimes. 

I've often wondered about that, but I can't think it's the case.  It was very plainly a platonic friendship.  I don't find her attractive in that sense, and having lost her husband so tragically... could she really be thinking that way so soon afterwards? 

The mood generally in that supermarket is very friendly.  I've noticed, too, that she's still very chatty and open with other people.  I simply don't go to her checkout any more.  It's easier that way.

I could add - though I'm not sure how relevant it is - that when we first moved to this area in 1978, we didn't like it.  It sounds like a generalisation, but we found the people decidedly 'odd' compared to our experiences in London and Devon.  We'd find people who would speak to us one day, then shun us the next.  Over the years, I've spoken to many other 'incomers' who say the same.  'The place is alright - it's just the people!'  Maybe my erstwhile 'friend' is one such.