Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I’m a 20 year old with Aspergers and am currently at university, however at the moment I am feeling incredibly down and depressed. This is because all through my life I have struggled a lot with making friends and the friends I did have either just walk away from me or don’t get me. This year at Uni, I found myself three guy friends (I met up with them yesterday) who I think are genuine, however because I have lost so many friends I am worried that I have lost them to due to some of what happened yesterday.
One of my friends hasn’t replied to my text which was about whether he knows any good resources on bees as he’s a beekeeper, and when someone doesn’t reply to my text it makes me think that they are cross with me or no longer consider me a friend of theirs anymore.
I put on this group chat we have a text saying that as I will be graduating at the end of next year, I was wondering whether it would be alright if we did something together as a group to celebrate it such as going to a botanic garden either in the UK or abroad. I had a reply from one friend saying see how it goes and the other two didn’t reply. I am worried that they will think I’m weird because of how I put that up there even though it is just an idea. I did say on the text that I’m aware it’s a way away yet, but I was trying to take their side into account as they are all in jobs.
These are the same three friends who midway through my uni year each said a compliment to me out of nowhere. The compliments were pleasure to know you, the fact you do what you do with AS everyday means to us three that your an exceptional individual, and as far as we are concerned having you in our group and as a friend makes being at uni a lot better.
I am struggling to know whether they are true friends or have I lost all of them as friends because of what happened yesterday. I can overthink things but am worried about this and am feeling down inside and depressed and am starting to give up on my friendships with them because I’m not sure that they consider me a friend. Also does it mean where the friend of mine said that having you in our group and as a friend makes being at uni a lot better, does it mean I’m not a friend of theirs out of uni? Any help would be appreciated as I’m getting very worried about these friendships and need to try and put my mind at ease.
You are overthinking. But isn't overthinking what we do? I do it all the time, and have done for years. I get a reaction from someone - a gruff or unexpected response to something I've said or done, maybe - and automatically I'm putting myself in the spotlight of self-analysis. 'What have I said? What have I done?' One of the useful things I picked up from doing CBT is to try not to pin the blame always on myself, but to consider the other reasons people may have for their behaviour. It might be nothing to do with me at all. So I look for evidence to back up my theory that it's my fault, and often there isn't any. I'm worrying over nothing - or, at least, very little.
A problem that I have - and that many of we Aspies have, probably - is two-fold. I often struggled to make friends in my teens and 20s, so I tended to be a people-pleaser to try to get people liking me. I would often go out of my way in this respect. Which meant I sometimes got let down, because I was trying to please the wrong people. The other thing is, I found it difficult to understand another person's point of view, or how they were feeling about something. So I always naturally interpreted some negativity or odd behaviour towards me as being somehow my fault - whereas it might just have been that they were having a bad day. And I never really thought to ask them what kind of day they were having!
I spite of having a few more insights now, I still get puzzled by other people's behaviour - and think that somehow I'm at fault. A few years ago, I worked in a local supermarket. I was quite friendly with one of the women who worked on the checkouts. She was about my age, married, very kind and chatty. We often used to pass the time. She knew my mother was unwell, and she'd often ask about her. She was liked by a lot of people, and seemed very genuine and caring. When I gave up work to care for mum in her final months, I'd often go into the supermarket, and if I saw this woman she'd always ask how things were going. She'd lost her husband quite suddenly earlier that year, which had been a dreadful blow, but getting back to work had helped her. She used to give me a lot of encouragement about the fact that I was doing a great job in caring, and I'd never regret being there for mum. When mum finally passed away, too, she was one of the first to say 'If ever you need anything, just say.' The kind of things many people say at such a time, of course. But she was genuine about it. One day, I went to her to ask for the number of a medium she knew. She told me this person had helped her tremendously when her husband had died, and the medium was a personal friend of hers. I saw that medium, and she was helpful. Afterwards, my friend asked me how it had gone, and I told her. We chatted quite a bit about it. We remained friendly. Whenever I went in there for shopping and saw her, she would ask how I was coping, etc. Still friendly. And then, one day, I went in there and said hello to her in passing her checkout - and she looked up and half-smiled at me and gave a muted response. I thought it was odd, but said nothing. Then it happened again. I went in and she came to check a code on my self-service till, and didn't really speak. After that, whenever I was in there, she didn't seem to acknowledge me. Then, about a month ago, I was walking in the High Street and saw her walking towards me, about fifty yards off. As I got closer, she stepped out and crossed the street without looking my way. When I was level with her, I called across 'Hello, J-'. She turned quickly, with a blank face (she'd clearly seen me coming, which was why she'd crossed) and said 'I'm sorry... I can't stop.' And that was it. Since then, she still doesn't acknowledge me in the supermarket. I've no idea what it's all about. I really can't fathom it. I've thought about it time and time again. It makes no sense. But I've decided it's not me. It can't be. I've neither said nor done anything to her, or against her. Very strange. But I can't expend any more psychic energy on it. Maybe she's having a delayed reaction to her husband's death, and is just shutting off from people. Who knows?
That is strange. Sometimes people seem to do that if it is work. They get totally into work mode. The boss may have something to do with it too, discouraging fraternising with customers. Could she have misread the situation and feared there was a romantic thing happening even if there wasn't?
I see what you mean. Yes, I probably am overthinking, but unfortunately as you say that is what we do. I have done it for years as well and still do sometimes.
Similar kind of thing. Either that, or people say that phrase that always gets my back up: Go with the flow.
I had a t-shirt made up with the slogan 'If you go with the flow, you'll end up on the rocks!'