Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,been doing a fair bit of talking to my dear wife just lately and keep coming up with lots of strange things that don't add up.
I can remember times that were not nice but very little happiness, I realise most people forget things about childhood especially when my age 54.
I had issues and when I got into my late teens I theorised I had dyslexic traits,it answered many questions but not all,it helped me go forward in life.fast forward 54 years and I find out about autism,it was a revelation in my life,it was my life.
I thought my dyslexia idea must be wrong but recently found that there can be a connection.
After talking about My recollections my wife says "are you sure as that doesn't make sense?" Things I never gave much credence too.
I was born in 1962 and things were different then.
For instance I do remember always being at home with mum or waiting for a bus to go shopping,nothing strange about that, but I had a younger sister and a brother who was only eighteen months older! So where were they? Why was I at home so often?
I was kept back at infant school and the kids I knew all left to go to big school, I was told it was because my birthday was early September. I was the oldest child from then on I also had a school full of strange new faces. I don't remember much about infant school,mostly teachers shouting at me,making me cry for not doing my work,being lazy or not concentrating,
I do remember some happy times but so few.being allowed to go collect our milk from the staff room with a sack truck.being in the big shed helping the caretaker clean out cages for hamsters rabbits etc,he was deaf and dumb but we got on ok.
I remember being in one class sat on the floor drawing around shapes,tins boxes but nothing free hand,the other kids were sat working with the teacher but I was not involved?
I also remember bits of a family meeting that ended with my whole family in tears,we stormed out and I was then told how it was all my fault? I wasn't upset until my siblings started saying I didn't care as I wasn't upset.
There are so many things that don't add up but I have a big question and hope I can word it so as not to upset anyone here.
Say for instance if I had been non verbal? Or just unable to function normally? Maybe in a world of my own? Back then labelled as retarded. There are a lot worse words which I don't want to put on here but back then there weren't any options.
So are there any adults here that basically knew nothing of the issues they had when young? It's as if I only woke up later in school.
Could I have been so poor functioning and not known it?
A big for instance was when I went to big school, All the kids were getting excited and I asked"why are you all excited and packing everything away?" The reply was "it's Friday!" I asked what that was about? The response was "are you thick or what?we get the weekend off". I asked why was that,was it holiday time?. I was laughed at and ridiculed by the kids.
I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.
I hope I haven't put something that causes hurt but I have tried to explain.
many thanks.
Gosh...didn't think our threads would be marked and graded! - joke
That Lone is only prone to short bursts of "normally" ....I am sure he'll revert to type soon enough.
Lonewarrior said:So dear ele I think you are amazing.! To much? To friendly?overstepping the mark?
[humour] Steady now, we'll be thinking you aren't really autistic if you go expressing yourself like that! [/humour]
PS I think you mean "too" rather than "to" (i.e. too much, too friendly, . I always remember this because there is an unusual quantity of "o"s in "too" which always refers to a quantity of something.
Ok well my problem has always been! If someone truly listens to what I am saying(not often)and empathises with me I cannot help but trust them to much,I have misjudged to many times in my long life,to many times been let down or taken advantage of.
My inability to judge the situation for what it is. I get to close and back off. Me and you get along very well I think,doesn't mean if we met we would be best buddies!maybe we would,The lack of body language being in this virtual world makes no difference to real life in my mind,
I also admit in day to day real life I adjust myself to fit the expectations of others, not so on here as there is no pressure to fit.but I must remind myself not to just agree to fit in the group.
So I am wary of being to friendly, I worry I may be to slushy almost like a chat up type of thing. I want to trust everybody but am aware that is dangerous and leaves me vulnerable.
Maybe I should start a new topic about trust and feelings.
I think even joking is a difficult subject on here? Hence my "lol" and "ha ha" or maybe I will say" and I really do feel that way" to emphasise my point. I wouldn't knowingly insult anyone on here, I do tread on eggshells as I know the more literal of us are effected by such things as casual comments.
My other problem is over explaining everything,whoops!
So dear ele I think you are amazing.! To much? To friendly?overstepping the mark?
I'm off to find the light,ouch.
Btw have you noticed the way that we truly struggle to communicate with each other here. It is like a case of emotional "snap" - we match feelings and experiences and dance around trust, connecting with each through our mutual paralytic fear - like moths around a light bulb....all terrified of being hurt ....
there are some lovely people here and we in turn love them and are scared of them
) ( said: By the way your comments elsewhere about your mask? In my line of work I have many many masks as each job demands a different actor. I deserve an oscar. I am as near to being me on here as I ever will be,no acting,just honesty,
By the way your comments elsewhere about your mask? In my line of work I have many many masks as each job demands a different actor. I deserve an oscar.
I am as near to being me on here as I ever will be,no acting,just honesty,
It is still tough work, with or without an Oscar! Lol....tis just shame we don't get more recognition out there...
..."and the prize for the teacher keeping her *** together in 2017 goes to...." cue drum roll!
Ele being here with the so called misfits is the safest place I have ever been.not once have I felt threatened. Even when certain members reply to me,they come down to my level of intellect without realising it, I mean that in a nice way,I see two members talking and debating high level diagnosis,things that I would be out of my depth with,then when replying to one of my threads they join my level. On other forums quite often the higher thinkers let you know it,they ridicule and talk down to me. I have good days of intellect and can use words like any wordsmith,on other days it is robotic and jumbled.
I hate society as it is,on so many levels. Handicapped suffering when footballers get millions,how can we as society allow this to go on.old folks would be better off in prison etc.nearly every programme on tv is confrontational,arguementative,disrespectful.obscene,"on the dole and xxxxxx" benefits xxx xxxx,serial killers,
We as society should cut all this as it numbs the ability to be shocked by it.it becomes the norm,every day occurrence.
It is something to bear in mind in a world that can be very frightening.
i've been smacked multiple times (father), punched (night out), physically hurt (husband) in my time etc and this with the ASD means a hell of a lot of processing...
hang in there...people can be frightening, scary, ugly and hideous, but they also surprise by being lovely too x
Thank you ele I just had a look,very interesting and worth exploring.
I had many occasions when teachers were really nasty to me,I mean in my face shouting and that was in infant school, I was laughed at by other kids for having to go to the staff room, to imbarrassed to say why but most autistic folks may know?
When the Dorset steam fair had finished we went back to our car and as everybody was queuing to go out we sat in the shade and had a cup of tea, after a while a group of adults turned up opposite us,two blokes mid twenties started egging each other on with fists held up,one was heavily drunk the other was a loud mouth and coward as he ran away,the drunk was determined to have him no matter what,others in the family,dad,female partners tried to hold him back,he hit his own brother and put him on his back.it took four to hold him down,the coward grabbed a little boy from one of the cars,it was the drunks son,he then held him as some kind of defence! I grabbed everything quick and drove off,all that happened in a minute. We reported it to security and told them toddlers were involved.
Now as soon as it started I was shaking and froze, I still keep getting flash backs and it still effects me, My work mates actually look for videos of this rubbish? When they say"hey watch this" I just say "no thanks there is enough violence and wrong I don't need to fill my head with any more.
I did have a few fights when I was a bit older but not through choice,I was wrongly seen as top dog? So got challenged from time to time, I got beaten quite bad but always won, by which I didn't hit or kick just held them and said,STOP now enough is enough. My elder brother and his tuff mates protected me which meant I was also tuff? Just an illusion.but if I didn't fight I would have been picked on constantly.
I will give it some thought as understanding a problem can sometimes help to come to terms with it.
You are a very caring and understanding lady,big hug.
Jeremy Clarkson said the same about getting a txt from his dyslexic mate , the writer AA Gill - he said it was like he'd thrown the whole alphabet at a ceiling fan.....so get the analogy about memories...
have you ever thought about keeping a diary? If manual writing difficult, visual notes or using speech recognition software might be useful.
as for Pratchett....whose to know whether the hard drive was copied before it was squished..
Well how my daughter the book worm didn't know about the steam rolling of pratchetts hard drive I will never know? And to think I watched some men building a road and using a roller,not sure which day? Sad thing but if he had wished it then his choice.
Appears to me that reading books is a big indicator for the spectrum? I see books as energy sapping, I have to focus so hard to keep the theme in my head,I can read with my eyes much faster than speaking,I speed read,I can scan a page and get a good indication of it's content. If I ever manage to read books which to be honest is next to none then I am 100% focused and after it is as if I were there behind my glass screen watching. Keeping reality and memories of films or books isn't as simple as it should be,my mind seems to throw everything into the air and bits just settle next to the wrong bits.maybe the dyslexia explains quite a bit of my above statement,my wires are mixed in several ways more.Memory or lack of short term is my biggest hurdle on a daily basis.tell me your name and I guarantee to forget it instantly,
Lone, have you undertaken any research into autism and trauma? https://autismcitizen.org/autism-and-trauma/
I think as we can find life a bit scary at times there is quite a drive from us parents to ensure that our kids are happy, feel safe in the world, can socialise, and feel like they belong. I guess we don't want our kids to feel as isolated as we do at times.
i have always found kids easier to enjoy and gang out with - they don't know (as yet) how to have an agenda! Lol
i read a lot too...I guess those books were my life rule books - exploring different situations, personalities, scenarios, causes and effects...
top of the morning to you Daniel!
In terms of Pratchett are you aware that he had his hard drive of unfinished books squished at the Dorset Steam Fair (as per his instructions) - https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/aug/30/terry-pratchett-unfinished-novels-destroyed-streamroller
Always hope Elephant!
I also find that songs remind me of a book I was reading at a specific time, rather than something I was doing. I had a huge library of books and would re-read them all. I have always been a huge Terry Pratchett fan (He knew how imprtant Elephants were!) and I always found it easier to relate to books than real life.
I still read a lot, but somehow Children, work and life get in the way a little!
I hope my kids have way more memories than me, and both my partner and I go out of our way to make sure they have plenty to go on, and celebrate every small moment! I suppose I am living my life through them. There are much worse things to do!
Wow Dan.
i recall my childhood like a series of scenes like watching a tv programme or a play. I have some happy memories (a few).. but these are of me usually walking alone and enjoying the piece or remembering reading a particular book.
i pretend to myself that I will one day have opportunity to work through a very long bucket list of things I want to experience and feel....but I think that is a thing called hope.., :p
Hi Lonewarrior.
Very interesting thread, though also a very meaningful story!
My partner often reminises about her childhood, and I can never join in with happy memories. Also I tend not to have many feelings at all, and find I am often lying to friends and family so I don't come across as not caring. I do care about them and their lives, I just dont have the emotion or words to truly put that across. I think thats why I dread phone calls with my mother, as she needs that emotional connection, and I have to fake it for her. My father however is more like me, and we don't need to include emotion when talking, which is so much easier.
I do have some happy memories, and they are all very small simple things. The best ones are watching my children do things I find funny, and I also like photographs of them as I am able to attach them to moments, and give a feeling a face (If that makes sense)
And like you, there is always something on here that jogs a memory or touches a nerve and makes me remember I am not alone!
Thanks for sharing and making me think!
Ooooo....and Brownsea Island.... what dog doesn't relish a squirrel!
Dorset is lovely but very busy this time of year. Lucky to have it close to my Dorset so can enjoy it in my win time when all if its visitors have gone. Do check out Dancing Ledge and Durdle Door if you haven't already.
shed is top priority for that all important down time!
A big virtual hug back, recovered from Dorset? No not really I walked approx 19.000 steps a day.not used to that plus really hot sunshine.four days total!also visited studland beach.and Bradbury rings,lovely spot with great views,could do with the odd bench.the poor dogs were struggling,they are both veterans now and struggle a bit.like me lol.
just relaxing right now,shed to complete and car to maintain for upcoming mot, bought lots of junk tools to restore so good times ahead,my poor car struggled on the way home,tools are heavy.
But on balance we had bad days and good days,so ok really.
) ( said:and there's another unique thing to read about that fits me complete,
Totally
virtual hug Lone! Hope you've recovered from Dorset
Hi grendalsbane thank you for sharing your thoughts,I suppose I tried looking for things that fitted autism? I find it strange how most of my memories are sad ones, I never have felt like I was in the room,even now I seem separate.the not smiling thing has followed me through my entire life.As my friend ele said like being behind a glass wall, I wouldn't be missed if I suddenly vanished.
Just yesterday I came on here to catch up and there's another unique thing to read about that fits me complete, I keep thinking there cannot be more evidence but every little thing that I thought was just normal apparently is unique to us.
take care.