Memories of being young?

grendalsbane said:

I remember always feeling like I was outside of everything that was happening, even when playing with the few friends I had I

Can totally relate to your statement above.....often feel like I am behind a glass wall watching everyone around me....just seperate

That brings up so many things that are similar to my childhood recollections.

When I look back I struggle to recall many positive memories, they are mostly negative or indifferent. I know there must have been good times but they just don't seem to filter down far enough for me to remember them.

I remember always feeling like I was outside of everything that was happening, even when playing with the few friends I had I would feel like a spare wheel and that I could have disappeared and no one would notice.

Also, when I think about it now I could almost laugh at how terrible I would be at school when it came to writing down an answer to a question. I would read the answer but it just wouldn't sink in and I would have to break it down into small chunks just in order to process what I was supposed to do. Even then my answer would end up rambling on about vaguely relevant information in the hopes that the correct answer was in there somewhere. Even now I struggle with questions or instructions and it takes me a while to process what I am supposed to do.

One memory of secondary school that has stayed with me was when a classmate asked me why I never smiled. I remember feeling a little bit offended and blurting out that it was just how my face was. At the time I didn't why but recently I have started to realise why.

Thank you all for being so understanding,the things I write are memories that most people find boring! I must admit it gives me a weird  funny warm feeling knowing I wasn't the only child going through this stuff.

I think you are all fantastic,keep up the chatter,we all need friends who by being virtual aren't High maintenance,we can choose when we want to chat,no pressure no expectations,just being our wacky selves.

I get bursts of brain energy hence the long posts,but some days I can hardly summon up the energy to look on here. Some of you may notice that on a good day I appear very fluent and articulate. Other days I cannot structure a sentence and my spelling goes down hill.my mind is just all mixed up.

This also happens at work! Some days I am amazingly quick to respond with quick replies to any issue,other days I rely on keeping my head down and telling my guys so they can support me and at times come up with the order we do things.

Big hugs to all from Dorset steam fair.major mind melt time but getting by.I just try to shut the chaos out.

Churning up the positive and negative..but fine

enjoy your break captain W

recombinantsocks said:

I remember going to other children's parties and just being baffled by the rules of the party games

Me too! I didn't go to many parties when younger, but of those I did, found I felt like an outsider much of the time.

Lonewarrior, as other members are saying, don't stop or edit yourself - it's really interesting how things you're saying are reminding us of our similar experiences - it's just what a forum like this should be about.  Enjoy your break!

I was also given the "just shy" label and spent a lot of my childhood on my own ...(despite having two siblings)..

What annoyed me was that I was held back at school (put in a lower set)...due to my shyness. (they hoped it would help get me "out of my shell" ..even though I used to help my two top set friends with their school work.

As I have got older I have become increasingly isolated...but everyone seems happy with that (apart from me)

Deepthought said:

Also avoid thinking negatively about your ability to recall memories, keep an open mind and let the memories do their thing in terms of coming to you ~ rather than you to them.

Very Zen! Memories can be like a ball of string. If you unpick them slowly and carefully then you can make something of them. If you heave at them and worry at them then you will end up with knots that are too tight to undo.

Deepthought said:

flipping heck just realised all my writing. I must stop spilling my life out.

No, don't stop. It's good to talk. Your memories are reminding me of things that happened to me at the same time. I remember going to other children's parties and just being baffled by the rules of the party games. I remember my mum saying that I was "just shy" which would have been in response to another parent's questions about me. I never really understood that I was different but different is what I was!

Well thankyou likewise.

Have a good one, and of course many many more.

Thank you for the "lush read"comment. my brother used to ask me to make up stories when I was about 14 to help him sleep.I was very good at it.

It is reassuring to hear folks say it is similar to there experiences.

I have never spoken of these thoughts and therefore being here I don't feel I will be judged, in the past I spoke of dyslexia,it was on a car forum in the "lounge" section,non car related discussion. I tried to explain how it effected me,most were interested but some predictably were just down right nasty,or dismissive,

i felt like I had made myself vulnerable,

I have read so many posts on here that need help,I have read some that self harm and just wish I could help them in some way, I don't have the answers for them.

my point is this,no matter how strange the post no one ridicules or says oh that is nothing I used to do that you will grow out of it, casual calloused comments from self appointed experts.

We all try to help however we can, the only time I gave definitive advice was to a young mum who thought the child's father had ASD.I felt anxious but I could not see him changing with his history and a mother influencing his behaviour, I could see his thoughts? Thoughts I have had but not followed. A strange comment but I felt I knew him.

She didn't deserve the battle with a young baby.

I smile and breath a sigh of relief when you or one of the other knowledgeable people step in and give good advice and strategies to improve things. Very heartwarming and I can stop worrying for them.

I care very much for people but rarely show it.never quite sure if they will take advantage of my caring nature.

memories are still creeping back to me,only fragments,some worrying, 

I remember my mums friend had a young daughter,we used to visit her,just me and mum? Anyway I suddenly remember my brother saying when we got home"you and Alison should get married" I asked why? He said"because you would make a good couple" thinking back she was shall we say different,back then the term for her condition would have been nasty if used today, she didn't talk and pretty much just sat around looking vacant.she was in old terms mentally disabled.

The comment made me think "why would I want to get married?" I did however try to talk to her to see what she was like. She didn't talk back and just ignored me,her mum treated her like a baby.

So my brother thought we would make a good couple? I don't think he was being nasty to me.

I am on holiday for two weeks now and soon off to stay at my daughters,looking forward to that,we have a lot organised, Maybe give me other things to occupy my mind?

I will check in here though. Many thanks.

Hi Lonewarrior,

Lush read, identified with lots. Seriously though, really seriously though, give up on the apologies for long posts ~ this is the NAS website after all.

Anyway, the basic theme with recall is to facilitate it, but never ever push it.

Explore what you can recall patiently and gently, and like that thing of trying to recall the name of someone or something for however long and giving up ~ and then the name just comes, do likewise with your memories and let them come as you just have.

Also avoid thinking negatively about your ability to recall memories, keep an open mind and let the memories do their thing in terms of coming to you ~ rather than you to them.

Hi deepthought ,life at home was pretty good apart from my dad favouring his mates more than us,when he was home he was easy going and allowed us to pretty much find our own way in life,he was very intelligent and very caring, he just cared a bit to much for his mates, he was a shop steward in a union and spent a lot of his time focused on their issues, he liked the social scene which meant pubs,darts,aunt sally,dominoes you name it he did it,we had hard times with no luxuries.He would come home late and drunk and he and mum would row.things were thrown across the room,but despite this we were truly happy. School was horrid,I hated it,it hated me.

Money was tight, I never had new clothes just hand me downs and jumble sale clothing, don't get me wrong I loved old clothes and the thrill of finding something I liked in the local spastic shop was awesome. I loved that shop full of smells and each item had a past.I used to hide behind the racks of clothing lol.also the army and navy shop used to be very cheap back then, I had military shirts and trousers, I wore them out and literally lived in them,I had school photos wearing them! I looked like a communist child?

I remember we fostered a young boy for quite a few months,there is a picture of me and my brother and him in the middle of us,he was from Nigeria,his mum and dad had to go back to Nigeria suddenly and left him with us,I don't remember it as such as I was very young but the stories and pictures are there.

I did have to wear leg braces in bed as my legs were bowed(still are)and my only memories are not being able to get out of bed to go to toilet,later my mum used to tell me how the sharp buckles ripped the sheets so she would wrap towels around my legs,The brace was two half gutter type metal bits joined together,it had thick straps that pulled tight and hooked onto buckles.there were sharp hooks inside to stop movement in the padding.

when I was a bit older I used to sit at the bottom of our stairs listening to the TVs,I also could sneak into the living room unnoticed and hide behind the sofa.quite often falling asleep there. I liked hiding,in cupboards,behind coats,behind armchairs.I hated bedtime,could never sleep to Order.I still only sleep when exhausted as my mind won't shut down.

flipping heck just realised all my writing. I must stop spilling my life out.

tempted to delete it,,,,,,,,,but to much effort for that. Sorry folks.

Lonewarrior said:

I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.

Basically there are two types of sensibility, one is spatial and the other is linear, and linear systems of sequential memory that are learnt from others cannot cope with the spatial type of memory, hence many people forget their childhood experiences as the linear sensibility develops.

Unless your home life as a child was particularly traumatic and therefore the memories of which got suppressed, it might well be that your spatial sensibilities could not be suppressed, as is not unusual for at least some autistic people ~ with your linear memory developing and working more at school, whilst your spatial memory did so at home, hence the lack of memories maybe?

thank you Telstar,My teachers used to say"he's good with his hands". You just flagged up another thing I hadn't considered,misinterpretation of instructions. I had technical drawing to,the teacher was ok as he also taught me metal work,he was an old working class man,he didn't like clever kids? He favoured me for having a different approach and being mechanically good,hands on like him. My drawings were a mess as the pencil lines were so very thick! 

Hi Lonewarrior,

I can understand this, I was diagnosed ASD earlier this year at 57, and the diagnosis makes sense of how it has affected me throughout my life without me knowing why.

I think 'socks has it right when he says that we 'didn't get things like other kids'.  As an example, I can remember being in a technical drawing class and not understanding the instructions that a teacher had gave us, and just trying to figure out internally in my mind what was required,  The teacher saw my work and really got cross with me, to the point I can remember being in tears in front of the other pupils.  I think that made the teacher realise he had been harsh, and he did try to explain again, though I think we moved onto something else.  As it is, I've had regular issues with understanding instructions in employment over the years too.

Because we can have different perceptions from NTs and not be aware of it, it just makes the world a more confusing place, especially when we're young.

Coincidentally, I was watching a video of Temple Grandin on the TED talks website last night, saying how the world needs all kinds of minds. Hopefully they understand this in schools much more now than when we were children.

As other posters have said, it is a lot to take in, and I don't know if what I've put makes sense, but it's only by sharing our thoughts we can all help.

Take care,

Telstar

Thank you spotty tortoise I always feel guilty after writing so much.

There are so many here that have huge problems coping day to day and here I am banging on about old memories.

My mind just fills up and every now and then I let it all out.

I am not so harsh with myself since finding autism which is a big plus, I really tried hard to cross examine my belief I was autistic,Surely I must have heard about it before? Every time I come here I find yet more things which are me. I feel comfortable talking here,stuff I wouldn't dare talk about anywhere else.

It's really nice having people care about me, a very unusual concept I am not used to,at first I was wary of kindness and still am at times,been used to many times in the past, I assume anyone who listens to me must be best buddies, when will I realise just listening isn't a friend for life who I can confide in and won't let me down?

big hugs to all.

forgot to say that trying to not be autistic was to clear any doubt.I didn't want to create a syndrome, I am not ashamed to be autistic.

I don't have many words right now Mr Warrior, but I empathise with your pain and you are not wearing out your space here as far as I can see.

Many of us have 40, 50, 60 ish years of misunderstanding of ourselves and from others. With the best will in the world that's a lot of what? stuff, baggage, undermined sense of self; complete lack of sense of self, confusion and sense of failure. It's a big hill to see and make peace with.

Thank you for reading my post and trying to help, I never really thought much about these occurrences until recently. As usual I don't know when to shut up and any subject I find interesting gets my full attention beyond perceived normality.

Maybe I go on so much as apart from my wife I have no one to talk to?

I am a lonesome warrior.

The recent discovery of autism and how it hit me so very very hard and to see how it described my life. I am trying to piece together who I was? Talking it through with my wife brings up memories but most are painful and the only good ones were with my mum.

It was an article posted up on face book my a lady called violet fen on the scope website that changed things for me Her diagnosis was in her fourties but it was as if she had written a biography of my life. I had anger,joy,sadness and tears,it really blew my mind,it still makes me feel sad even now.

I need to know answers as I do in anything I do in life, 

I am so very lucky that I get by relatively easy in life,it is a constant with me not just one thing,It wears me out just existing,I think as I have got older I notice things more,maybe with the girls left home and more free time,less stress at home.I still have major issues but having dealt with them all my life it has become less heightened.my wife would disagree as apparently most of what I do that upsets people I am not aware of.

I had a hissy fit about the lids on the teabag,sugar and coffee tins.stupid idea wrestling with lids each time I need something.plus they are at the back behind the kettle,hard to reach without burning ones arm.The list is endless,I have to have my cutlery,my cup,my oval plate,I only like certain foods all the time things should always be where I put them.I hate any sort of change including set routine for shopping etc.

I also think coincidentally joining a face book group from where i grew up has had a big effect,this was long before my suspicion of autism.

It stirs up memories and takes me back,hence memories fragmented but as I said before don't add up.

It amazes me that people on that group remember so much even those older than me,teachers names,other pupils names,specific dates,certain dates when something major happened etc. Me nothing at all on those lines.

Anyway been lining our shed out today well four days altogether! Kept my mind busy lots to do,flipping shed!nothing is square,nothing is upright and drives me mad,obviously built many years ago by someone it didn't worry!

fully insulated and plylined. My place to escape and relax,restoring old tools etc.

many thanks.big hugs to all.

'62 was the worst winter!

My experience as a child was different but the same. Things didn't make sense to me in some ways at the time - I remember a teacher saying to me, when I was 10, that I always looked serious. For some reason I remembered it for 50 years but was only able to understand it in the light of a diagnosis. I remember desperately wanting to be in the junior school football team, checking the team sheet pinned to the groundsman's shed every week and never understanding why I was never picked. It turns out I am marginally dyspraxic (clumsy) which is another thing that goes with autism. Obviously I had no understanding of how bad I was at football!

Autism wasn't understood in schools at that time. We would have been uncooperative kids who just didn't get things like other kids. The cane would have been used a lot and life would have been miserable.

Your memories would be very sketchy, I can only remember isolated fragments - playing with my brother when I must have been 3 or 4, traumatic memories of one incident where I was struggling to carry a tray of drinks, but the memories are of a few seconds of time from years of life!

I suppose that being non-verbal is possible. I have read on the forum about children being silent and the suddenly talking.

Overall, your memories are exactly the sort of thing that they look for in autism diagnosis. I don't think that you should try and make too much sense of events that you couldn't understand. 

That sounds like an awful lot to unpack Mr Warrior and I don't know what help I can offer or what help I can give....we all gave these deep ingrained memories and the mind can be a strange thing...interesting that this comes up now as if you have tried to protect yourself with unpacked experiences that your brain has only just now realised that you are strong enough to unpack.

as Lone would say -big hug- and let me know if I can help and how x