Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,been doing a fair bit of talking to my dear wife just lately and keep coming up with lots of strange things that don't add up.
I can remember times that were not nice but very little happiness, I realise most people forget things about childhood especially when my age 54.
I had issues and when I got into my late teens I theorised I had dyslexic traits,it answered many questions but not all,it helped me go forward in life.fast forward 54 years and I find out about autism,it was a revelation in my life,it was my life.
I thought my dyslexia idea must be wrong but recently found that there can be a connection.
After talking about My recollections my wife says "are you sure as that doesn't make sense?" Things I never gave much credence too.
I was born in 1962 and things were different then.
For instance I do remember always being at home with mum or waiting for a bus to go shopping,nothing strange about that, but I had a younger sister and a brother who was only eighteen months older! So where were they? Why was I at home so often?
I was kept back at infant school and the kids I knew all left to go to big school, I was told it was because my birthday was early September. I was the oldest child from then on I also had a school full of strange new faces. I don't remember much about infant school,mostly teachers shouting at me,making me cry for not doing my work,being lazy or not concentrating,
I do remember some happy times but so few.being allowed to go collect our milk from the staff room with a sack truck.being in the big shed helping the caretaker clean out cages for hamsters rabbits etc,he was deaf and dumb but we got on ok.
I remember being in one class sat on the floor drawing around shapes,tins boxes but nothing free hand,the other kids were sat working with the teacher but I was not involved?
I also remember bits of a family meeting that ended with my whole family in tears,we stormed out and I was then told how it was all my fault? I wasn't upset until my siblings started saying I didn't care as I wasn't upset.
There are so many things that don't add up but I have a big question and hope I can word it so as not to upset anyone here.
Say for instance if I had been non verbal? Or just unable to function normally? Maybe in a world of my own? Back then labelled as retarded. There are a lot worse words which I don't want to put on here but back then there weren't any options.
So are there any adults here that basically knew nothing of the issues they had when young? It's as if I only woke up later in school.
Could I have been so poor functioning and not known it?
A big for instance was when I went to big school, All the kids were getting excited and I asked"why are you all excited and packing everything away?" The reply was "it's Friday!" I asked what that was about? The response was "are you thick or what?we get the weekend off". I asked why was that,was it holiday time?. I was laughed at and ridiculed by the kids.
I had no recollection of weekends! I had no concept of time. Life was one big blur of hurt and no understanding.
I hope I haven't put something that causes hurt but I have tried to explain.
many thanks.
That brings up so many things that are similar to my childhood recollections.
When I look back I struggle to recall many positive memories, they are mostly negative or indifferent. I know there must have been good times but they just don't seem to filter down far enough for me to remember them.
I remember always feeling like I was outside of everything that was happening, even when playing with the few friends I had I would feel like a spare wheel and that I could have disappeared and no one would notice.
Also, when I think about it now I could almost laugh at how terrible I would be at school when it came to writing down an answer to a question. I would read the answer but it just wouldn't sink in and I would have to break it down into small chunks just in order to process what I was supposed to do. Even then my answer would end up rambling on about vaguely relevant information in the hopes that the correct answer was in there somewhere. Even now I struggle with questions or instructions and it takes me a while to process what I am supposed to do.
One memory of secondary school that has stayed with me was when a classmate asked me why I never smiled. I remember feeling a little bit offended and blurting out that it was just how my face was. At the time I didn't why but recently I have started to realise why.
grendalsbane said:I remember always feeling like I was outside of everything that was happening, even when playing with the few friends I had I
Can totally relate to your statement above.....often feel like I am behind a glass wall watching everyone around me....just seperate
Hi grendalsbane thank you for sharing your thoughts,I suppose I tried looking for things that fitted autism? I find it strange how most of my memories are sad ones, I never have felt like I was in the room,even now I seem separate.the not smiling thing has followed me through my entire life.As my friend ele said like being behind a glass wall, I wouldn't be missed if I suddenly vanished.
Just yesterday I came on here to catch up and there's another unique thing to read about that fits me complete, I keep thinking there cannot be more evidence but every little thing that I thought was just normal apparently is unique to us.
take care.
Jeremy Clarkson said the same about getting a txt from his dyslexic mate , the writer AA Gill - he said it was like he'd thrown the whole alphabet at a ceiling fan.....so get the analogy about memories...
have you ever thought about keeping a diary? If manual writing difficult, visual notes or using speech recognition software might be useful.
as for Pratchett....whose to know whether the hard drive was copied before it was squished..
Well how my daughter the book worm didn't know about the steam rolling of pratchetts hard drive I will never know? And to think I watched some men building a road and using a roller,not sure which day? Sad thing but if he had wished it then his choice.
Appears to me that reading books is a big indicator for the spectrum? I see books as energy sapping, I have to focus so hard to keep the theme in my head,I can read with my eyes much faster than speaking,I speed read,I can scan a page and get a good indication of it's content. If I ever manage to read books which to be honest is next to none then I am 100% focused and after it is as if I were there behind my glass screen watching. Keeping reality and memories of films or books isn't as simple as it should be,my mind seems to throw everything into the air and bits just settle next to the wrong bits.maybe the dyslexia explains quite a bit of my above statement,my wires are mixed in several ways more.Memory or lack of short term is my biggest hurdle on a daily basis.tell me your name and I guarantee to forget it instantly,
I think as we can find life a bit scary at times there is quite a drive from us parents to ensure that our kids are happy, feel safe in the world, can socialise, and feel like they belong. I guess we don't want our kids to feel as isolated as we do at times.
i have always found kids easier to enjoy and gang out with - they don't know (as yet) how to have an agenda! Lol
i read a lot too...I guess those books were my life rule books - exploring different situations, personalities, scenarios, causes and effects...
top of the morning to you Daniel!
In terms of Pratchett are you aware that he had his hard drive of unfinished books squished at the Dorset Steam Fair (as per his instructions) - https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/aug/30/terry-pratchett-unfinished-novels-destroyed-streamroller
Always hope Elephant!
I also find that songs remind me of a book I was reading at a specific time, rather than something I was doing. I had a huge library of books and would re-read them all. I have always been a huge Terry Pratchett fan (He knew how imprtant Elephants were!) and I always found it easier to relate to books than real life.
I still read a lot, but somehow Children, work and life get in the way a little!
I hope my kids have way more memories than me, and both my partner and I go out of our way to make sure they have plenty to go on, and celebrate every small moment! I suppose I am living my life through them. There are much worse things to do!
Wow Dan.
i recall my childhood like a series of scenes like watching a tv programme or a play. I have some happy memories (a few).. but these are of me usually walking alone and enjoying the piece or remembering reading a particular book.
i pretend to myself that I will one day have opportunity to work through a very long bucket list of things I want to experience and feel....but I think that is a thing called hope.., :p
Hi Lonewarrior.
Very interesting thread, though also a very meaningful story!
My partner often reminises about her childhood, and I can never join in with happy memories. Also I tend not to have many feelings at all, and find I am often lying to friends and family so I don't come across as not caring. I do care about them and their lives, I just dont have the emotion or words to truly put that across. I think thats why I dread phone calls with my mother, as she needs that emotional connection, and I have to fake it for her. My father however is more like me, and we don't need to include emotion when talking, which is so much easier.
I do have some happy memories, and they are all very small simple things. The best ones are watching my children do things I find funny, and I also like photographs of them as I am able to attach them to moments, and give a feeling a face (If that makes sense)
And like you, there is always something on here that jogs a memory or touches a nerve and makes me remember I am not alone!
Thanks for sharing and making me think!