Grief or Traumatic Events

I seem to have an atypical response to death & dying.

For instance, when our first daughter was born (full term, difficulties at birth), I needed to know everything about what had happened, what the outcomes could be for different options, etc, before we made the decision to withdraw treatment.  We then threw ourselves into writing the non-religious funeral. We were sad, numb, but it was very logical, and I do remember still being able to share (very dark) jokes and laugh.  I seem to remember crying once a few months later and spoke to the GP at length about the process of grieving and grief-based depression (as opposed to clinical depression). I found what the GP said about peaks and troughs of grief (over months/years) useful as it allowed me to validate the grief continuing for some time.

When my mother died (long illness) there was no depression other than being a bit glum.  We were purely practical on doing the flat clearance, dealing with the estate, organising funeral and wake.

I suspect many would view me (and my wife) as 'cold', 'uncaring' or 'emotionless'.  We're not, it's just we don't react as most people do.

Of course, there is no such thing as a "typical reaction for people with ASD/Aspies", so that doesn't invalidate other peoples reactions, nor would I ever try to suggest that my reaction is the only right one.

Curiously, in the recent case of the baby whose parents wanted to take him to the USA for a new treatment, but where the hospital & courts ruled that he should be allowed to die, I fully, strongly supported their position in doing what they felt would be best for their child.  The fact that we took the opposite decision was right for only for us, in our particular circumstances and with our particular belief-set and mind-set.

Hi - I don't think there is a 'typical' response to death & dying, or to any other significant traumatic life events. No matter if a person has ASD or not, because we are all unique individuals. There are so many contributing factors which impact on how we/ I/everyone reacts under severe stress. 

Possibly though what may be unique to people with ASD under such conditions: our personal resources, reserves can already be stretched to the limit sometimes and any additional, unexpected, traumatic stressors have the potential to tip the balance.

I know for example that I can healthily manage extreme stressors sometimes. That will be when my foundation feels stable and I feel centered, mindful, at peace, happy etc. Maybe my job is going well? Maybe all my relationships are enjoyable? Reduced anxiety? Etc Etc Etc These act as buffers under stress - having a stable foundation helps.

BUT then - I can though come across insensitive to others, too logical at the same time. Maybe compartmentalising? So despite what's going on around me, I can continue with what I'm doing. But that doesn't mean that I don't care and will not be empathetic. Far from it. 

On other occasions under extreme stress - grief, job loss, relationship breakdown, a member of family unwell and so on - I can be knocked completely off balance. But that's because my own foundation was not steady at that point in time.

And for me at least - it's crucial to strive for, maintain and sustain simplicity, a very steady foundation. Otherwise all my normal activities of daily living and subsequent well being can be terribly affected under stress. 

But that's easier said than done. It's a bit like someone saying to you, 'just try and relax, switch off ...'. And before I know it, despite plenty of warning signs, I can't see the wood for the trees. I'm overwhelmed, overstimulated, living in chaos ...

If/ when this level of well being deteriorated to such an extent for a non ASD person (no known mental health problems either I mean), then troops would be mobilised to support. Because it would feel like a shock and hugely worrying for that person. 

But with ASD this can be such a frequent occurrence that I think a tolerance is built up. Can become the norm. And I know for myself at least that much of this is kept private, hidden. That requires a lot of control. 

There's something very strong and robust about me. On the other hand I feel immature, as if I've skipped vital developmental milestones (but appeared all fine at the time) and vulnerable. 

There always seems to be lots of contradictions on numerous levels.

I've written this post very quickly and hope comes across okay. Must now crack on with my jobs.

JEP

JEP said:

And for me at least - it's crucial to strive for, maintain and sustain simplicity, a very steady foundation. Otherwise all my normal activities of daily living and subsequent well being can be terribly affected under stress. 

Absolutely with you there.  Simplicity is crucial for me.  I have to keep responsibilities to an absolute minimum.  It's partly why I don't earn much and have never wanted to do things like run my own business or be a manager.  Also, having a small income imposes very natural constraints.  When I tell people what I can manage on, they think I'm kidding.  A few years ago, when I was married, I had a mortgage.  Even though it was affordable, it scared the hell out of me.  After our divorce, we sold the house - and I had a nice lump sum for the first time in my life.  And that, too, scared me.  It gave me choices that confused me.  It actually made me unhealthy for a time, until it was all gone.

JEP said:

But that's easier said than done. It's a bit like someone saying to you, 'just try and relax, switch off ...'. And before I know it, despite plenty of warning signs, I can't see the wood for the trees. I'm overwhelmed, overstimulated, living in chaos ...

If/ when this level of well being deteriorated to such an extent for a non ASD person (no known mental health problems either I mean), then troops would be mobilised to support. Because it would feel like a shock and hugely worrying for that person. 

But with ASD this can be such a frequent occurrence that I think a tolerance is built up. Can become the norm. And I know for myself at least that much of this is kept private, hidden. That requires a lot of control. 

Yes again.  People saying things like that to me - that's a red rag to a bull.  I have to try to explain to them - I'm a  cat, not a dog.  A bike, not a boat.  A Windows PC, not an Apple Mac.  When mum passed in April, everyone was worried for me because I was closer to her than anyone else, and had nursed her for her final six months.  Everyone knew she was like my foundation stone.  Yet for 5 weeks, I was completely as normal - just going about my business.  I think people were shocked and surprised by this.  My brother, on the other hand - NT, well-adjusted, happy family life, successful business, plenty of friends... he was the one who suffered.  Maybe guilt was a part of that.  I mean, even I suffer guilt feelings, though I don't need to.  And concern certainly seemed to be focused on him, because I was 'coping'.  Now, though - at 10 weeks - I'm breaking down.  You're right that we build up tolerances.   I've experienced more trauma in my life than I care to talk about with other people, who - like my brother - tend to 'normalise' experience:  'Oh yes... I was bullied at school.'  Like hell he was!  I lived in fear for six years, dreading each day.  Same quite often in the workplace.  I had such a bad experience with workplace bullying in my late 30s that I couldn't function properly for 6 months - and it still comes back to haunt me 20 years later.  All of it does.  So, the tolerances I've built up make me react to trauma differently now - often in a way that is misunderstood, and put down to 'coldness', etc.  But the reactions filter through, eventually.

JEP said:

There's something very strong and robust about me. On the other hand I feel immature, as if I've skipped vital developmental milestones (but appeared all fine at the time) and vulnerable. 

There always seems to be lots of contradictions on numerous levels.

Once again, spot on.  People see me at work (I work in care) and see me as extremely capable, empathetic, dedicated - STRONG.  But the truth is - I am immature.  I have missed important developmental milestones.  And I am vulnerable.  My care role brings out the best in me.  It keeps me, too, in a very 'young' frame of mind (I work with special needs).  I love acting the fool, behaving like a clown - getting a laugh.  I didn't need training for the role.  I just fitted in with these people.  Maybe they tune in to my vulnerabilities in the same way I tune in to theirs.  I, too, am full of contradictions.  I'm fond of quoting Walt Whitman on that score.  'Do I contradict myself?  Very well, then - I contradict myself.  I am large.  I contain multitudes.'

Most people are the same, at heart.  But many would never admit to it.

Again - what you say makes perfect sense, whether it's quickly-written or not 

Hi JEP,

I'm wondering if it does perhaps not really matter so much whether someone's diagnosis is "real" or someone doesn't have a diagnosis at all? I've got a professional one and can certainly see traits but don't quite agree that the way I am should be called a "disorder" or "disability". I had been hoping  that the people doing the assessment would see it that way too and when they didn't I got quite upset. But then reading a bit on here there are plenty of people feeling and behaving in ways I can totally identify with, including what you said yesterday: "I had wanted to say that on reflection I feel that I came across intolerant and would like to apologise. All I needed to do was switch of the 'Notifications' instead of receiving all new posts!" - this could be so much me... everything about it. I'm finding it helpful to be able to identify with someone somewhere when it comes to things where everybody I know in real life seems to feel and behave different from myself. Maybe try seeing it like that? I mean, you will be quite different from others who do have some sort of autism without doubt in many ways, so their advice/comments on something you struggle with may not be more useful to you than what someone says who is perhaps not really quite that autistic but feels the way you do about a specific issue. No matter who says something, you'll always have to decide if that works for you/applies to you or not.

I can see why you find the poems thing difficult, guess I would too, partly also because I have this lack of lacking empathy that seems to disqualify most on here from being proper Aspies (yourself included). If it hasn't stopped, have you told him this and asked to stop it, just plain and direct? Can't imagine he's doing that intentionally.

Hope you can get something out of this forum, more positives than negatives.

Hi tom thank you for telling about your experiences,Although we are all different there's always something that helps. I truly ope your new job goes ok for you.

Dear jep I really feel for you and hope that sharing your issues on here will somehow help in your situation.one thing is certain if we could help we would.each of us are here to try and understand who we might be,the quest continues. I hope by reading what tom has gone through will give others courage to keep going knowing that despite all the negatives life can bring there is always a better day ahead. Take care Brian.

JEP said:

Thanks a lot for replying in such a thoughtful way. I had intended to post re: my comments earlier than now but have had difficulties accessing the website over the weekend. Maybe something amiss with my server this end.

I had wanted to say that on reflection I feel that I came across intolerant and would like to apologise. All I needed to do was switch of the 'Notifications' instead of receiving all new posts!

Quite honestly the past few days haven't been great for me - I've been 'upset', fed up, you name it over so many things! Projecting my own problems elsewhere. 

Not saying anything inaccurate nessersarily (sp?) but just wasn't required, or repetitive, or not mindful.

Re: employment - I have first hand experience of the difficulties that can happen. And I became in some ways 'unemployable'. So now am self employed but due to what's going on with my mum, rather how I get consumed / or respond/ cope with it - this has detrimentally affected my own business. So I'm probably about to lose the art gallery very, very soon. Things have been put in motion.

Quite possibly I have some anger at present because feel that I'm not getting the required support. I'm on a wait list for specialist psychological services but despite them knowing I'm in a crisis, or have added stresses, unfortunately it will take a year to be seen via NHS. 

Maybe I don't need to be seen either? And it's just a case of riding this out and drawing on my own skills, resources, strategies. But easier said than done when you can't see the wood for the trees, or have awful anxiety etc

I am though so relieved to have been introduced to this Forum. Reading about others experiences in many different contexts, there's some interesting discussions. It makes me realise that I'm not alone with my experiences. 

Congratulations on your job Tom - I'd read a week or two ago that you'd applied. It sounds perfect and well timed too. Are the 30 hours a week regular? I remember that was your preference. Anyway best of luck, when do you start?

Hi JEP,

I think there were issues with the site at the weekend.  I couldn't get access on Saturday afternoon or Sunday.

No need to apologise.  I can understand how you must have been feeling (empathy? ).  At times like this, I think - at least, based on my own experiences these past few weeks - that it's very difficult to pin down emotional responses.  Mine have been all over the place, swinging from anger to guilt to sadness to a kind of equilibrium again.  All part of the grieving process - which I think, in some ways, you're experiencing as well.  One of mum's care workers said to me that I really began grieving when mum first became ill and it was evident that she would never fully recover.  Once I moved in with her to nurse her, I was experiencing at first hand that gradual deterioration - the loss of mobility, the loss of memory, the advancing disorders, the low moods and tears.  So maybe that's right - I was grieving for the person I saw very slowly fading out of her life, and out of mine.  It's traumatic.  And any annoyance becomes a major irritation.  That's why I think being bombarded with unwanted messages would have made me angry and frustrated, too.

I'm sorry to read that you may lose the gallery, and I take your point about being - or feeling, at least - 'unemployable'.   I've had 27 jobs in my 40 years of work - 28th coming up!  I never found anything that I really liked or felt fulfilled in, and spent a long time in a kind of wilderness - just going through the motions of work simply to pay the bills, and wondering if I would ever find a 'calling', or something that at least gave life meaning.  That's the lot for many people, of course.  But for me, it led to a lot of disruption.  It pretty much destroyed my one marriage.  I couldn't find any satisfaction in anything - not even in the love of another person.  When I took an abrupt left-turn after my divorce and went into care work for the first time - I think that's when I finally found something that, at the very least, meant something to me.  In those 12 years, though - interrupted by a brief period of self-employment - I've still moved around a lot.  This new job (which I start as soon as my DBS and references are in, so maybe early August) will be my sixth in care - though the first in which I can specialise in working with autistic people.  Again, I grew dissatisfied - with working conditions, with the attitude of co-workers, with often feeling exploited.  Care isn't something anyone goes into for the money, either.  Long hours, shift-work, exhaustion... and the constant underlying sense that at any time you could be called upon to work extra hours to cover for absence.  Sick absence was frequent, too - for the reasons given.  I knew people who'd come in to work on Monday morning and not go home until Wednesday night - just tagging shift onto shift.  It's probably not legal, but it was kind of expected.  And people did it because they needed the extra cash.  Often they couldn't get by on normal hours.  I suppose I'm lucky because I prefer to live an austere, minimalist life.  I work to live - I don't live to work.  But I don't get any luxuries, and holidays are always spent at home.  Good job I live within 200 yards of a beach, I guess!

I hope this new job will be better.  They're a good employer, and offer good benefits which you don't always get in private sector care.  It should give me more control, too.  It's just four days, and office hours.  And, as I said, it's specialising in autism.  I suppose if I'm 'employable' in any sense, it's in this one.  It plays to many of my strengths.  If it hadn't come along, though - I'd have been looking at a cleaning job or a driving job, something like that.  Just something, again, to pay the bills - and maybe keep people off my back and give me a degree of autonomy.  I don't want a career.  I'm not seeking advancement.  Unless I make money out of writing at some stage, I'm never likely to shift from the economic status I've held all of my working life.  I've accepted that.  I only have another 9 years to go before retirement, anyway, and that'll soon disappear.  I hope above everything else that this new job won't carry with it a thing that's dogged me throughout my life in the employ of other people: anxiety.  It's always been there to some degree, which is why I've never wanted the responsibility of management.  Anxiety at the thought of being expected to drop one thing unfinished and concentrate on something else.  Anxiety about being asked to work extra hours.  Anxiety about feeling alienated from my co-workers.  Abject fear of anyone holding the title of 'manager' or 'supervisor', and of being criticised, or caught not doing my job properly (a rarity!).  I hope...

I also get the uncertainty you feel.  Anger at not getting the support you need, coupled with a wondering about whether you actually need any, anyway. I've come this far in life and have managed most situations.  I've been in some pretty dire ones, too - threatened with homelessness, threatened with victimisation - and have somehow gotten through them all.  Yet I know now, looking back, that it's been a real struggle.  When I've told other people about them, it's as if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.  But what's a molehill to many is a mountain to some. It makes me think that maybe if I'd been diagnosed as a child (or, at least, well before middle-age), things might have turned out better for me.  Maybe I wouldn't have been subjected to things that have made me ill - suicidally so, all too frequently (maybe it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and somehow my getting through these things has been my 'therapy').  Again... often these are things that to others would just be part of 'going with the flow' (how I detest that expression, with it's implication of passive acceptance). Some of the support services I have been offered (not many) have been designed to 'correct' me, too - whereas I don't really want 'correcting'.  So I've pretty much given up on the idea of anything.  Hopefully, through this job, I'll get the support I need in another way.  They know I'm on the spectrum, and I think the reasonable adjustments will be given without the need to ask.  I'll see how it goes, and keep ploughing my furrow.  I'll keep on with the book, and keep hoping that, if something happens with it and I can get some financial security for the first time, it'll give me the control over my life that I've always sought.  I'm not alone there, though, either.  There's always the Lotto!

I hope things can work out for you, one way or another.  These are difficult times for you.  But keep talking.  There are many of us here who've been through similar things.  Even if we haven't, though, we can always listen.

Best regards,

Tom

Hi Tom,

Thanks a lot for replying in such a thoughtful way. I had intended to post re: my comments earlier than now but have had difficulties accessing the website over the weekend. Maybe something amiss with my server this end.

I had wanted to say that on reflection I feel that I came across intolerant and would like to apologise. All I needed to do was switch of the 'Notifications' instead of receiving all new posts!

Quite honestly the past few days haven't been great for me - I've been 'upset', fed up, you name it over so many things! Projecting my own problems elsewhere. 

Not saying anything inaccurate nessersarily (sp?) but just wasn't required, or repetitive, or not mindful.

Re: employment - I have first hand experience of the difficulties that can happen. And I became in some ways 'unemployable'. So now am self employed but due to what's going on with my mum, rather how I get consumed / or respond/ cope with it - this has detrimentally affected my own business. So I'm probably about to lose the art gallery very, very soon. Things have been put in motion.

Quite possibly I have some anger at present because feel that I'm not getting the required support. I'm on a wait list for specialist psychological services but despite them knowing I'm in a crisis, or have added stresses, unfortunately it will take a year to be seen via NHS. 

Maybe I don't need to be seen either? And it's just a case of riding this out and drawing on my own skills, resources, strategies. But easier said than done when you can't see the wood for the trees, or have awful anxiety etc

I am though so relieved to have been introduced to this Forum. Reading about others experiences in many different contexts, there's some interesting discussions. It makes me realise that I'm not alone with my experiences. 

Congratulations on your job Tom - I'd read a week or two ago that you'd applied. It sounds perfect and well timed too. Are the 30 hours a week regular? I remember that was your preference. Anyway best of luck, when do you start?

JEP

Hi Tom,

Thanks a lot for replying in such a thoughtful way. I had intended to post re: my comments earlier than now but have had difficulties accessing the website over the weekend. Maybe something amiss with my server this end.

I had wanted to say that on reflection I feel that I came across intolerant and would like to apologise. All I needed to do was switch of the 'Notifications' instead of receiving all new posts!

Quite honestly the past few days haven't been great for me - I've been 'upset', fed up, you name it over so many things! Projecting my own problems elsewhere. 

Not saying anything inaccurate nessersarily (sp?) but just wasn't required, or repetitive, or not mindful.

Re: employment - I have first hand experience of the difficulties that can happen. And I became in some ways 'unemployable'. So now am self employed but due to what's going on with my mum, rather how I get consumed / or respond/ cope with it - this has detrimentally affected my own business. So I'm probably about to lose the art gallery very, very soon. Things have been put in motion.

Quite possibly I have some anger at present because feel that I'm not getting the required support. I'm on a wait list for specialist psychological services but despite them knowing I'm in a crisis, or have added stresses, unfortunately it will take a year to be seen via NHS. 

Maybe I don't need to be seen either? And it's just a case of riding this out and drawing on my own skills, resources, strategies. But easier said than done when you can't see the wood for the trees, or have awful anxiety etc

I am though so relieved to have been introduced to this Forum. Reading about others experiences in many different contexts, there's some interesting discussions. It makes me realise that I'm not alone with my experiences. 

Congratulations on your job Tom - I'd read a week or two ago that you'd applied. It sounds perfect and well timed too. Are the 30 hours a week regular? I remember that was your preference. Anyway best of luck, when do you start?

JEP

Hi tom thank you for telling about your experiences,Although we are all different there's always something that helps. I truly ope your new job goes ok for you.

Dear jep I really feel for you and hope that sharing your issues on here will somehow help in your situation.one thing is certain if we could help we would.each of us are here to try and understand who we might be,the quest continues. I hope by reading what tom has gone through will give others courage to keep going knowing that despite all the negatives life can bring there is always a better day ahead. Take care Brian.

JEP said:

Thanks a lot for replying in such a thoughtful way. I had intended to post re: my comments earlier than now but have had difficulties accessing the website over the weekend. Maybe something amiss with my server this end.

I had wanted to say that on reflection I feel that I came across intolerant and would like to apologise. All I needed to do was switch of the 'Notifications' instead of receiving all new posts!

Quite honestly the past few days haven't been great for me - I've been 'upset', fed up, you name it over so many things! Projecting my own problems elsewhere. 

Not saying anything inaccurate nessersarily (sp?) but just wasn't required, or repetitive, or not mindful.

Re: employment - I have first hand experience of the difficulties that can happen. And I became in some ways 'unemployable'. So now am self employed but due to what's going on with my mum, rather how I get consumed / or respond/ cope with it - this has detrimentally affected my own business. So I'm probably about to lose the art gallery very, very soon. Things have been put in motion.

Quite possibly I have some anger at present because feel that I'm not getting the required support. I'm on a wait list for specialist psychological services but despite them knowing I'm in a crisis, or have added stresses, unfortunately it will take a year to be seen via NHS. 

Maybe I don't need to be seen either? And it's just a case of riding this out and drawing on my own skills, resources, strategies. But easier said than done when you can't see the wood for the trees, or have awful anxiety etc

I am though so relieved to have been introduced to this Forum. Reading about others experiences in many different contexts, there's some interesting discussions. It makes me realise that I'm not alone with my experiences. 

Congratulations on your job Tom - I'd read a week or two ago that you'd applied. It sounds perfect and well timed too. Are the 30 hours a week regular? I remember that was your preference. Anyway best of luck, when do you start?

Hi JEP,

I think there were issues with the site at the weekend.  I couldn't get access on Saturday afternoon or Sunday.

No need to apologise.  I can understand how you must have been feeling (empathy? ).  At times like this, I think - at least, based on my own experiences these past few weeks - that it's very difficult to pin down emotional responses.  Mine have been all over the place, swinging from anger to guilt to sadness to a kind of equilibrium again.  All part of the grieving process - which I think, in some ways, you're experiencing as well.  One of mum's care workers said to me that I really began grieving when mum first became ill and it was evident that she would never fully recover.  Once I moved in with her to nurse her, I was experiencing at first hand that gradual deterioration - the loss of mobility, the loss of memory, the advancing disorders, the low moods and tears.  So maybe that's right - I was grieving for the person I saw very slowly fading out of her life, and out of mine.  It's traumatic.  And any annoyance becomes a major irritation.  That's why I think being bombarded with unwanted messages would have made me angry and frustrated, too.

I'm sorry to read that you may lose the gallery, and I take your point about being - or feeling, at least - 'unemployable'.   I've had 27 jobs in my 40 years of work - 28th coming up!  I never found anything that I really liked or felt fulfilled in, and spent a long time in a kind of wilderness - just going through the motions of work simply to pay the bills, and wondering if I would ever find a 'calling', or something that at least gave life meaning.  That's the lot for many people, of course.  But for me, it led to a lot of disruption.  It pretty much destroyed my one marriage.  I couldn't find any satisfaction in anything - not even in the love of another person.  When I took an abrupt left-turn after my divorce and went into care work for the first time - I think that's when I finally found something that, at the very least, meant something to me.  In those 12 years, though - interrupted by a brief period of self-employment - I've still moved around a lot.  This new job (which I start as soon as my DBS and references are in, so maybe early August) will be my sixth in care - though the first in which I can specialise in working with autistic people.  Again, I grew dissatisfied - with working conditions, with the attitude of co-workers, with often feeling exploited.  Care isn't something anyone goes into for the money, either.  Long hours, shift-work, exhaustion... and the constant underlying sense that at any time you could be called upon to work extra hours to cover for absence.  Sick absence was frequent, too - for the reasons given.  I knew people who'd come in to work on Monday morning and not go home until Wednesday night - just tagging shift onto shift.  It's probably not legal, but it was kind of expected.  And people did it because they needed the extra cash.  Often they couldn't get by on normal hours.  I suppose I'm lucky because I prefer to live an austere, minimalist life.  I work to live - I don't live to work.  But I don't get any luxuries, and holidays are always spent at home.  Good job I live within 200 yards of a beach, I guess!

I hope this new job will be better.  They're a good employer, and offer good benefits which you don't always get in private sector care.  It should give me more control, too.  It's just four days, and office hours.  And, as I said, it's specialising in autism.  I suppose if I'm 'employable' in any sense, it's in this one.  It plays to many of my strengths.  If it hadn't come along, though - I'd have been looking at a cleaning job or a driving job, something like that.  Just something, again, to pay the bills - and maybe keep people off my back and give me a degree of autonomy.  I don't want a career.  I'm not seeking advancement.  Unless I make money out of writing at some stage, I'm never likely to shift from the economic status I've held all of my working life.  I've accepted that.  I only have another 9 years to go before retirement, anyway, and that'll soon disappear.  I hope above everything else that this new job won't carry with it a thing that's dogged me throughout my life in the employ of other people: anxiety.  It's always been there to some degree, which is why I've never wanted the responsibility of management.  Anxiety at the thought of being expected to drop one thing unfinished and concentrate on something else.  Anxiety about being asked to work extra hours.  Anxiety about feeling alienated from my co-workers.  Abject fear of anyone holding the title of 'manager' or 'supervisor', and of being criticised, or caught not doing my job properly (a rarity!).  I hope...

I also get the uncertainty you feel.  Anger at not getting the support you need, coupled with a wondering about whether you actually need any, anyway. I've come this far in life and have managed most situations.  I've been in some pretty dire ones, too - threatened with homelessness, threatened with victimisation - and have somehow gotten through them all.  Yet I know now, looking back, that it's been a real struggle.  When I've told other people about them, it's as if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.  But what's a molehill to many is a mountain to some. It makes me think that maybe if I'd been diagnosed as a child (or, at least, well before middle-age), things might have turned out better for me.  Maybe I wouldn't have been subjected to things that have made me ill - suicidally so, all too frequently (maybe it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and somehow my getting through these things has been my 'therapy').  Again... often these are things that to others would just be part of 'going with the flow' (how I detest that expression, with it's implication of passive acceptance). Some of the support services I have been offered (not many) have been designed to 'correct' me, too - whereas I don't really want 'correcting'.  So I've pretty much given up on the idea of anything.  Hopefully, through this job, I'll get the support I need in another way.  They know I'm on the spectrum, and I think the reasonable adjustments will be given without the need to ask.  I'll see how it goes, and keep ploughing my furrow.  I'll keep on with the book, and keep hoping that, if something happens with it and I can get some financial security for the first time, it'll give me the control over my life that I've always sought.  I'm not alone there, though, either.  There's always the Lotto!

I hope things can work out for you, one way or another.  These are difficult times for you.  But keep talking.  There are many of us here who've been through similar things.  Even if we haven't, though, we can always listen.

Best regards,

Tom