Grief or Traumatic Events

Hi - this is my first post so would like to briefly introduce myself. Am female, age 45 and diagnosed with ASD plus generalised anxiety disorder. This is a fairly recent diagnosis via The Maudsely National Clinic, but was first queried much earlier around 2005. I run my own business, an art gallery.

I would like to ask if anyone in adulthood has experience of grief and ASD? Or protracted stressful events, or trauma and ASD? 

Currently I'm under enormous strain due to some devastating news 5 months ago - my mother (just age 68) dislocated her neck and is now a tetraplegic. We (my family) are only at the beginning of a very long journey together. 

Over the past few weeks, I started noticing warning signs that I wasn't coping well. This is a familiar pattern when I'm under a great deal of stress. 

I would be interested to chat on this and share my experience of stress. This time around it's left me highly compromised, struggling a lot. And I feel isolated. I am happy to describe this in more detail.

Thanks for reading my first post

Parents
  • I seem to have an atypical response to death & dying.

    For instance, when our first daughter was born (full term, difficulties at birth), I needed to know everything about what had happened, what the outcomes could be for different options, etc, before we made the decision to withdraw treatment.  We then threw ourselves into writing the non-religious funeral. We were sad, numb, but it was very logical, and I do remember still being able to share (very dark) jokes and laugh.  I seem to remember crying once a few months later and spoke to the GP at length about the process of grieving and grief-based depression (as opposed to clinical depression). I found what the GP said about peaks and troughs of grief (over months/years) useful as it allowed me to validate the grief continuing for some time.

    When my mother died (long illness) there was no depression other than being a bit glum.  We were purely practical on doing the flat clearance, dealing with the estate, organising funeral and wake.

    I suspect many would view me (and my wife) as 'cold', 'uncaring' or 'emotionless'.  We're not, it's just we don't react as most people do.

    Of course, there is no such thing as a "typical reaction for people with ASD/Aspies", so that doesn't invalidate other peoples reactions, nor would I ever try to suggest that my reaction is the only right one.

    Curiously, in the recent case of the baby whose parents wanted to take him to the USA for a new treatment, but where the hospital & courts ruled that he should be allowed to die, I fully, strongly supported their position in doing what they felt would be best for their child.  The fact that we took the opposite decision was right for only for us, in our particular circumstances and with our particular belief-set and mind-set.

Reply
  • I seem to have an atypical response to death & dying.

    For instance, when our first daughter was born (full term, difficulties at birth), I needed to know everything about what had happened, what the outcomes could be for different options, etc, before we made the decision to withdraw treatment.  We then threw ourselves into writing the non-religious funeral. We were sad, numb, but it was very logical, and I do remember still being able to share (very dark) jokes and laugh.  I seem to remember crying once a few months later and spoke to the GP at length about the process of grieving and grief-based depression (as opposed to clinical depression). I found what the GP said about peaks and troughs of grief (over months/years) useful as it allowed me to validate the grief continuing for some time.

    When my mother died (long illness) there was no depression other than being a bit glum.  We were purely practical on doing the flat clearance, dealing with the estate, organising funeral and wake.

    I suspect many would view me (and my wife) as 'cold', 'uncaring' or 'emotionless'.  We're not, it's just we don't react as most people do.

    Of course, there is no such thing as a "typical reaction for people with ASD/Aspies", so that doesn't invalidate other peoples reactions, nor would I ever try to suggest that my reaction is the only right one.

    Curiously, in the recent case of the baby whose parents wanted to take him to the USA for a new treatment, but where the hospital & courts ruled that he should be allowed to die, I fully, strongly supported their position in doing what they felt would be best for their child.  The fact that we took the opposite decision was right for only for us, in our particular circumstances and with our particular belief-set and mind-set.

Children
  • Hi - I don't think there is a 'typical' response to death & dying, or to any other significant traumatic life events. No matter if a person has ASD or not, because we are all unique individuals. There are so many contributing factors which impact on how we/ I/everyone reacts under severe stress. 

    Possibly though what may be unique to people with ASD under such conditions: our personal resources, reserves can already be stretched to the limit sometimes and any additional, unexpected, traumatic stressors have the potential to tip the balance.

    I know for example that I can healthily manage extreme stressors sometimes. That will be when my foundation feels stable and I feel centered, mindful, at peace, happy etc. Maybe my job is going well? Maybe all my relationships are enjoyable? Reduced anxiety? Etc Etc Etc These act as buffers under stress - having a stable foundation helps.

    BUT then - I can though come across insensitive to others, too logical at the same time. Maybe compartmentalising? So despite what's going on around me, I can continue with what I'm doing. But that doesn't mean that I don't care and will not be empathetic. Far from it. 

    On other occasions under extreme stress - grief, job loss, relationship breakdown, a member of family unwell and so on - I can be knocked completely off balance. But that's because my own foundation was not steady at that point in time.

    And for me at least - it's crucial to strive for, maintain and sustain simplicity, a very steady foundation. Otherwise all my normal activities of daily living and subsequent well being can be terribly affected under stress. 

    But that's easier said than done. It's a bit like someone saying to you, 'just try and relax, switch off ...'. And before I know it, despite plenty of warning signs, I can't see the wood for the trees. I'm overwhelmed, overstimulated, living in chaos ...

    If/ when this level of well being deteriorated to such an extent for a non ASD person (no known mental health problems either I mean), then troops would be mobilised to support. Because it would feel like a shock and hugely worrying for that person. 

    But with ASD this can be such a frequent occurrence that I think a tolerance is built up. Can become the norm. And I know for myself at least that much of this is kept private, hidden. That requires a lot of control. 

    There's something very strong and robust about me. On the other hand I feel immature, as if I've skipped vital developmental milestones (but appeared all fine at the time) and vulnerable. 

    There always seems to be lots of contradictions on numerous levels.

    I've written this post very quickly and hope comes across okay. Must now crack on with my jobs.

    JEP