AS and birthdays

I find phone calls difficult too. I far prefer a text. I used to not have people around, until one year when I invited the choir I am part of. We sing and eat and have a bit of bubbly. No awkward conversations. Often people can only stay a couple hours, which suits me well. 

I find phone calls difficult too. I far prefer a text. I used to not have people around, until one year when I invited the choir I am part of. We sing and eat and have a bit of bubbly. No awkward conversations. Often people can only stay a couple hours, which suits me well. 

I can relate to what you say about it being another year without your mum, only in my case it's my dad.

It was most baffling when I was a kid and allistic around me would voice their opinions about what a person of a certain age would appear like. Served in abundance during birthday celebrations. It's over at last. I'm excluded from all and any lists.

Exactly yes it's an awkward event and I dread it every year. 

Find birthdays depressing as nobody is around. Also difficult what ask for when get older. Plus phone everyone to say thank you for the presents etc.

I've finally managed to convince everyone to stop counting on me when it comes to theirs and forget about mine completely.

I start getting stressed about a week before my birthday. I’m quite happy to receive a card from close family and that’s all I need. I get very anxious on the actual day. It’s as if I’m the centre of attention and there is an expectation of what I should be doing. I removed my birthday from FB as messages start and I find it too much. I basically just find it strange to celebrate a day that I just happened to be born on. It’s most probably that my day will not have routine to it.

You are written something very helpful to me here - thank you.  By means of explanation;

I have always been very honest about what I want...birthday treatment included....but never WHY !!

My efforts to explain why, in the past, have always been dressed up in a whole wardrobe full of very comfortable masks.  Too busy, grumpy old man, mad philosopher, pre-occupied tinker, crisis manager, philanthropic volunteer....and the list goes on.

I am fast approaching the conclusion that I need to tell people WHAT I am and HOW I think.  

Although I already now know WHAT I am, I need to better WHY I think as I do, as an autistic human.  This place is helping illuminate these things to me very helpfully.

I have hidden myself, from myself for 50+ years with my excellent masking.

Self delusion of/by your own masks makes them very effective.

 Putting this into words will be necessary to communicate it to NT's.  Still working on this aspect of it.

Thank you for helping me think sn.

Kind regards

Maybe instead of asking for no gifts, you could ask people to donate to a charity instead. This is becoming more acceptable and it's harder for people to say no to. It also gives them an outlet for their generosity.

Also your random screw box sounds like a brilliant thing.

I don't celebrate my birthday. I find it depressing and not really wanting to know it's been ages since I was a baby. Now it reminds me I'm older and that this year will be another where my mum's no longer here. 

Just skip that day I do. Don't even want to think about it. 

I also find birthday's really awkward and I'd rather be alone. I just have a few close family in my life but even at that, I'd rather be alone and have a quiet day. I just don't understand the idea of celebrating my date of birth. Gifts or cake don't somehow make me feel more valued. I think I almost feel embarrassed by any birthday attention (not sure - it is hard to describe the feeling).

I have more recently decided to be honest about what I want and why. The honesty helps a lot and I now find birthday's less upsetting.

I find the birthdays of my nearest and dearest exhausting.  I don't understand the excitement and joy that most people seem to derive from their birthdays.

.....but my real frustration and upset, comes on my own birthday.  My understanding is that, societally, you can pretty much do whatever you want to do on your birthday.  Accordingly, I just want to be left alone to treat it just like any other day, albeit with me perhaps doing something "special" for myself = sorting out my "random" screw box / fixing something from my "to fix" box.  No fuss. No fan fair.  I am very happy to receive gifts IF the person offering that gift has some good and relevant reason for thinking I might want it.  Generally, however, I am given booze or some nonsensical "thing" that, if it was allowable, I would just want to immediately give away or put in the bin.  90% of "normal" gifts are pointless for me.  Accordingly, I ALWAYS ask for no gifts.  It strangely offends and infuriates me that this simple and reasonable request (in my eyes) is disregarded and ignored by most people.

Despite some accommodations and some reluctant acceptance of my approach to my own birthday (from my nearest and dearest), I am always made to feel somehow grumpy, ungrateful or miserable by people from my wider circle / family - albeit with some very notable exceptions (ie my true friend/s - they get it.)

In summary  - on my birthday, I feel judged and pitied and the birthdays of others exhaust me.  Not a fan of birthdays. 

If there is one thing that is guaranteed to put my mother in a foul mood, it's when she receives birthday cards after the event. From her perspective, if a person cannot be bothered to make the effort to post a card in time for the recipient to open it on their birthday, then they may as well not bother. My mother is someone who prides herself on checking her wall calendar for upcoming birthdays, and ensuring cards are posted a good few days in advance. I've long since given up trying to explain to her that not everyone has the ability to be as organised as she is.

It's taken my mother years to accept that it has now become a way of life for some people (especially younger generations) to send birthday messages, as opposed to cards. It was lazy and demonstrated a lack of thought. Admittedly, I do think there is something rather lovely and exciting about being on the receiving end of a 'proper' birthday card, particularly as much of what gets posted through my letterbox falls into the category of junk mail.

I half agree with the ‘just another day’ thing. My favourite version of my own birthday is one that passes quietly, unnoticed. Nothing to do with getting older, I just prefer it to be a moment of quiet contemplation, somewhat entwined with business as usual.  I don’t like being the focus of attention, or for anyone to put themselves out to get a card or something. But I do get a text or card or gift from family (sometimes a few days later, when they remember ‘late’ - none of us is too big on birthday fuss) and a friend or two. 

Im always amazed at people who could fall out with someone over their birthday being overlooked. I suppose I can see how it might hurt, but human memory is fallible and lives are busy, and friendship or support is a million other favours and kindnesses over years surely a cake and a ‘so say all of us’ is the very least of it. 

I tend to view my birthday as just another day. However, I consider it a welcome bonus when people remember and go to the effort of sending me a birthday card, but I've learnt not to expect it and take it for granted.

As for presents, it is no longer something that I really need to worry about. My son has a good understanding of what I like, so rarely am I disappointed. My mother learnt a long time ago that it was easier just to give me money and let me decide what I wanted to spend it on.

I've installed a call blocking app that auto-rejects all calls. I don't put my birthday on FB. I cut contact with my family years ago (best thing I ever did for making my life easier!). I usually go out for a long run or walk and have a lovely day.

I feel the same way. I feel overwhelmed during the lead up and on the day of it i get super depressed because I feel like a failure on my birthday. I have some friends but I don't really have friends who make an effort to celebrate or remember the day like how it is in movies/social media. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, or I am bad at choosing and maintaining friendships with the right people

I enjoy some aspects of it, but there have been times I've felt there is pressure to go out and socialise ('celebrate') when the energy levels can't cope and I end up wishing the whole birthday thing were over. 

Remember, it's your birthday. You can spend it anyway YOU want. Take the phone off the hook? :-)

Yes! 
I don’t like the fuss or attention. I don’t see the point. I mean, I do actually like a card, but it’s not a requirement. My daughter is exactly the same.

I recall at junior school during assembly, those with birthdays that week had to stand on a bench, hold a candle, and have the teacher light it. We would then have to listen to Happy birthday sung by all the kids in school, and blow out the candle. We would then take turns to tell everyone what we received, and then we were given sweets.

I detested it. I actually refused to stand on the bench, arguing that I could still hear the singing, and hold a candle, and how did doing that have anything to do with my birthday. I got into trouble. I didn’t care, it was stupid and I wasn’t going to be a part of it!

I’m the same with Xmas, but I still do the usual traditions etc and decorations, as I’m a mum and ‘that’s what people do’.