Husband with aspergers

Hi,

I'm really looking for help and advice! My husband has suspected aspergers - but he refuses to be diagnosed. However, after doing lots of research I'm absolutely convinced of it as he has the following unique traits:

- Walks on tiptoes - has done since a child and still does this

- Ultra tidy - OCD level. His wardrobe is arranged with precision!

- Has very distinct routines and habits (especially around body care), struggles when they are broken - throws "tantrums"

- Works in electronics and is super-hot at maths

- Misinterprets verbal information.

- Scratches his legs when stressed - I'm not sure, but I think this is linked to OCD?

- Says out-of place things/extreme things in company

- Can be really harsh with his language

- Does not volunteer to help/very self-centred.

- His father has exactly the same traits.

However, he also tells me he loves me regularly and is my best-friend on a one-one basis (most of the time!) However, I'm finding it quite hard to cope, particularly as we have been having fertility treatment (IVF) which has failed several times. He hugs me, but is not very supportive and I feel very down and unhappy anyway. He also embarasses me in front of my family, who think he's just rude.

I've tried to get him to diagnose himself with the questionnaire - but he cheats it! I know he knows what he's "supposed" to say!

So my first question is: How can I cope? What can I do to make our lives easier, without destroying myself in the process?

Second question: We are using donor eggs for IVF, I'm young, but have other issues. However, I'm really quite worried about having a child with severe autism and think perhaps we should be using donor sperm? I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I guess if you make children the "normal way" you don't have the option to think about this, but we do, because it's the only way for us. My husband refuses to consider this, even though I'm not using my own eggs. His suspected aspergers is mild, his father's also - I know the chances of us having an aspergers child are high... and I'm OK with that. I love my husband, and would love an aspergers child. But I'm scared of having a child with an extreme version of this, who wouldn't be able to lead a normal life. I would love the child, I know, but I'm not sure I could cope.

I know this is a long-winded post, and our issues might be a bit unique - I'm not sure!

But, I would love to hear people's thoughts and experiences and advice.

Sophie xxx

  • Yup. Stress can be caused by many small, one huge, or any combination of things, but we don't do at all well when we're stressed. Certainly my own worst outbursts are when too much is expected of me, and this is normal.

    Sometimes we can develop strategies to deal with things, but that comes mostly with experience. It helps to have a positive diagnosis, because now I find myself much more forgiving towards me, knowing that for us, it's normal.

    Routines are vital to us, and we hate to break them, so I'd advise you to plan around this being a central issue that you MUST prioritise. It's in our nature, we can maybe sometimes modify it, but we can't change it because it's such an essential part of who we are. If something has to happen 'instantly', we can cope, but we recognise that we'll be getting overloaded. Your loving support and understanding (obvious, and real) can help lessen the burden enormously.

    I would imagine that you can see a need to foreplan things. I get a lot less stressed if I know what's coming and can prepare for it well in advance. For instance, my diagnostic clinic fully recognised that, so when they sent for me to go for my assessment, they sent me maps and pictures of where I was going, so that I could familiarise myself a little, and it really helped. It's why I love flashearth, google maps and streetview - I make good use of them!

    If he's getting the hint, he's most probably quietly doing his own research - a very AS trait! Hope so, anyway

  • Thank you Classic Codger and Electra for your different perspectives. It really helps to "talk" things through.

    The other night when we were both chilled out I said "you know what we talked about the other day... about how you might be a bit different in a certain way... well.. even if you are, it doesn't matter". He didn't say anything, I know he knows - if that makes sense?

    On a practical level, he only ever exhibits "signs" when under stress or being forced to hurry up (being in a rush means he has to break his routines). I actually find that the most stressful as a partner, when we're in a real rush but he doesn't speed up! Just throws a wobbeler at me for rushing him! Even if the thing we're rushing for is EXTREMELY important.

    Is this common? How can we break the need for the routine, or is it impossible? It's OK the vast majority of the time but the inflexibility really is trying.

    Sophie xxx

  • Even if your husband is autistic there is no reason why he should get a diagnosis if he doesn't want one or identify as autistic if he doesn't want to. Why should he if he can't see any benefit for himself?

    Getting a diagnosis as an adult can be beneficial if you want it, but it requires an almost total reconstruction of your self-identity. If your husband doesn't want to do that or take it on then thats a valid reason for not getting a diagnosis. You can see benefits for yourself but there may be very few for him. And getting a diagnosis won't make him more supportive. He just isn't made that way.

    If he is happy as things are and doesn't want the autistic label and all that brings then you may have to think of other ways to improve your situation.

  • Hi Sophie. I'm an AS person, so I hope you'll be able to take what I have to say. I klnow the spirit it's intended in doesn't always come across that way.

    May I say that I sympathise with your situation. I'm certain that in your shoes, I'd be completely overwhelmed - so many mixed feelings and desires and obstacles to overcome. It's far too much for this AS person to even contemplate, but I recognise what it must mean for you both.

    Your question about a refusal to seek diagnosis is not the first, I've seen other partners say the same. I don't recall it ever being a male about a female, It seems to me that it's always the other way round, but I stand to be corrected, of course.

    Others will say this too - late diagnosis is a hugely beneficial start. I, like everyone else, have suffered difficulties all of my life because of not knowing who I am. Diagnosis has been a massive help to me and I encourage others to seek one too. I think it can be just as valuable to find out you're not on the spectrum. The move for diagnosis is gathering momentum, and it seems that the medical profession is wising up to it at last. Whilst we still have many issues surrounding diagnosis, we note that it does seem to be getting easier to get a referal for assessment from GPs - though some still appear to be dismissive of the subject.

    Male pride ('there's nothng the matter with me') is a biggy, and usually stems from the public perception that being AS is 'unfortunate' for us 'poor people'. Actually, we're simply different, and I can tell you emphatically that finding out you're different, the hows and whys of it, and finding this community of other different people, can be the most freeing experience. If your partner is AS, there's plenty to look forward to, and some burden to get rid of. There's nothing the matter with any of us - it's the rest of humanity that's the real problem! Strange, illogical creatures...

    AS people are amongst the most talented in the world, but we can only be reasonably functional where all factors are known. Maths and electronics always follow a set of rules, and provided everything around us is following the 'rules', we're OK. We like order and familiarity, so by definition, new situations are fraught with all sorts of dangers to us, and always create their own overloads. Sometimes we cope (especially we older people) and sometimes we don't. There are too many factors to discuss here - it's a subject in its' own right.

    I don't want to continue, but there's so much I'd like to say to you. Hopefuly, others will come along and say it for me. Ask your husband for me if he would please come and read this. If he pooh-poohs the idea after reading this, he's probably AS. There's nothing to be afraid of, and everything to gain from a diagnosis. I can't explain it, except to say that suddenly, it all makes sense!

    I wish you luck, love and happiness