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Husband with aspergers

Sophiex

Hi,

I'm really looking for help and advice! My husband has suspected aspergers - but he refuses to be diagnosed. However, after doing lots of research I'm absolutely convinced of it as he has the following unique traits:

- Walks on tiptoes - has done since a child and still does this

- Ultra tidy - OCD level. His wardrobe is arranged with precision!

- Has very distinct routines and habits (especially around body care), struggles when they are broken - throws "tantrums"

- Works in electronics and is super-hot at maths

- Misinterprets verbal information.

- Scratches his legs when stressed - I'm not sure, but I think this is linked to OCD?

- Says out-of place things/extreme things in company

- Can be really harsh with his language

- Does not volunteer to help/very self-centred.

- His father has exactly the same traits.

However, he also tells me he loves me regularly and is my best-friend on a one-one basis (most of the time!) However, I'm finding it quite hard to cope, particularly as we have been having fertility treatment (IVF) which has failed several times. He hugs me, but is not very supportive and I feel very down and unhappy anyway. He also embarasses me in front of my family, who think he's just rude.

I've tried to get him to diagnose himself with the questionnaire - but he cheats it! I know he knows what he's "supposed" to say!

So my first question is: How can I cope? What can I do to make our lives easier, without destroying myself in the process?

Second question: We are using donor eggs for IVF, I'm young, but have other issues. However, I'm really quite worried about having a child with severe autism and think perhaps we should be using donor sperm? I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I guess if you make children the "normal way" you don't have the option to think about this, but we do, because it's the only way for us. My husband refuses to consider this, even though I'm not using my own eggs. His suspected aspergers is mild, his father's also - I know the chances of us having an aspergers child are high... and I'm OK with that. I love my husband, and would love an aspergers child. But I'm scared of having a child with an extreme version of this, who wouldn't be able to lead a normal life. I would love the child, I know, but I'm not sure I could cope.

I know this is a long-winded post, and our issues might be a bit unique - I'm not sure!

But, I would love to hear people's thoughts and experiences and advice.

Sophie xxx

Parents

  • Yup. Stress can be caused by many small, one huge, or any combination of things, but we don't do at all well when we're stressed. Certainly my own worst outbursts are when too much is expected of me, and this is normal.

    Sometimes we can develop strategies to deal with things, but that comes mostly with experience. It helps to have a positive diagnosis, because now I find myself much more forgiving towards me, knowing that for us, it's normal.

    Routines are vital to us, and we hate to break them, so I'd advise you to plan around this being a central issue that you MUST prioritise. It's in our nature, we can maybe sometimes modify it, but we can't change it because it's such an essential part of who we are. If something has to happen 'instantly', we can cope, but we recognise that we'll be getting overloaded. Your loving support and understanding (obvious, and real) can help lessen the burden enormously.

    I would imagine that you can see a need to foreplan things. I get a lot less stressed if I know what's coming and can prepare for it well in advance. For instance, my diagnostic clinic fully recognised that, so when they sent for me to go for my assessment, they sent me maps and pictures of where I was going, so that I could familiarise myself a little, and it really helped. It's why I love flashearth, google maps and streetview - I make good use of them!

    If he's getting the hint, he's most probably quietly doing his own research - a very AS trait! Hope so, anyway

Reply

  • Yup. Stress can be caused by many small, one huge, or any combination of things, but we don't do at all well when we're stressed. Certainly my own worst outbursts are when too much is expected of me, and this is normal.

    Sometimes we can develop strategies to deal with things, but that comes mostly with experience. It helps to have a positive diagnosis, because now I find myself much more forgiving towards me, knowing that for us, it's normal.

    Routines are vital to us, and we hate to break them, so I'd advise you to plan around this being a central issue that you MUST prioritise. It's in our nature, we can maybe sometimes modify it, but we can't change it because it's such an essential part of who we are. If something has to happen 'instantly', we can cope, but we recognise that we'll be getting overloaded. Your loving support and understanding (obvious, and real) can help lessen the burden enormously.

    I would imagine that you can see a need to foreplan things. I get a lot less stressed if I know what's coming and can prepare for it well in advance. For instance, my diagnostic clinic fully recognised that, so when they sent for me to go for my assessment, they sent me maps and pictures of where I was going, so that I could familiarise myself a little, and it really helped. It's why I love flashearth, google maps and streetview - I make good use of them!

    If he's getting the hint, he's most probably quietly doing his own research - a very AS trait! Hope so, anyway

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