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Husband with aspergers

Sophiex

Hi,

I'm really looking for help and advice! My husband has suspected aspergers - but he refuses to be diagnosed. However, after doing lots of research I'm absolutely convinced of it as he has the following unique traits:

- Walks on tiptoes - has done since a child and still does this

- Ultra tidy - OCD level. His wardrobe is arranged with precision!

- Has very distinct routines and habits (especially around body care), struggles when they are broken - throws "tantrums"

- Works in electronics and is super-hot at maths

- Misinterprets verbal information.

- Scratches his legs when stressed - I'm not sure, but I think this is linked to OCD?

- Says out-of place things/extreme things in company

- Can be really harsh with his language

- Does not volunteer to help/very self-centred.

- His father has exactly the same traits.

However, he also tells me he loves me regularly and is my best-friend on a one-one basis (most of the time!) However, I'm finding it quite hard to cope, particularly as we have been having fertility treatment (IVF) which has failed several times. He hugs me, but is not very supportive and I feel very down and unhappy anyway. He also embarasses me in front of my family, who think he's just rude.

I've tried to get him to diagnose himself with the questionnaire - but he cheats it! I know he knows what he's "supposed" to say!

So my first question is: How can I cope? What can I do to make our lives easier, without destroying myself in the process?

Second question: We are using donor eggs for IVF, I'm young, but have other issues. However, I'm really quite worried about having a child with severe autism and think perhaps we should be using donor sperm? I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I guess if you make children the "normal way" you don't have the option to think about this, but we do, because it's the only way for us. My husband refuses to consider this, even though I'm not using my own eggs. His suspected aspergers is mild, his father's also - I know the chances of us having an aspergers child are high... and I'm OK with that. I love my husband, and would love an aspergers child. But I'm scared of having a child with an extreme version of this, who wouldn't be able to lead a normal life. I would love the child, I know, but I'm not sure I could cope.

I know this is a long-winded post, and our issues might be a bit unique - I'm not sure!

But, I would love to hear people's thoughts and experiences and advice.

Sophie xxx

Parents

  • Even if your husband is autistic there is no reason why he should get a diagnosis if he doesn't want one or identify as autistic if he doesn't want to. Why should he if he can't see any benefit for himself?

    Getting a diagnosis as an adult can be beneficial if you want it, but it requires an almost total reconstruction of your self-identity. If your husband doesn't want to do that or take it on then thats a valid reason for not getting a diagnosis. You can see benefits for yourself but there may be very few for him. And getting a diagnosis won't make him more supportive. He just isn't made that way.

    If he is happy as things are and doesn't want the autistic label and all that brings then you may have to think of other ways to improve your situation.

Reply

  • Even if your husband is autistic there is no reason why he should get a diagnosis if he doesn't want one or identify as autistic if he doesn't want to. Why should he if he can't see any benefit for himself?

    Getting a diagnosis as an adult can be beneficial if you want it, but it requires an almost total reconstruction of your self-identity. If your husband doesn't want to do that or take it on then thats a valid reason for not getting a diagnosis. You can see benefits for yourself but there may be very few for him. And getting a diagnosis won't make him more supportive. He just isn't made that way.

    If he is happy as things are and doesn't want the autistic label and all that brings then you may have to think of other ways to improve your situation.

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