Learning/unlearning coping strategies

I am interested to discuss what coping strategies you have learnt (or unlearnt) since discovering you are autistic/have an ASC.  

I am in a period of trying to 'unlearn' (apologies if this is not a word...I'm tired to check right now) a specific strategy that has enabled me to get by in the world.  That is, pretending to be someone different to what I am, the person I want to be.  I am finding that by letting myself be myself, that I am starting to connect a little more with a few other people (albeit with many mistakes along the way and starting to feel like I have 'regressed' from my previous 'false self' that uses learned phrases to a point where I now feel barely capable of talking in a full sentence, but I think it's the best way and why should I feel ashamed of trying to be myself).

So if anyone would like to share their strategies for coping, both useful and otherwise, please do.

I hope this makes sense.

  • Hi Maia,

    It is interesting to read your views and experiences.  I think it is not always as straight forward as it may seem, ie. those of us (like myself) who do copy others, may not have much understanding/insight.  When I first read about this style of coping I didn't identify with it at all as I don't 'fit in' that much, nor is it conscious a lot of the time.  I would say I fit into the 'active but odd' category.  I can't speak for anyone else, but my gradual attempt to imitate others has arisen through finding out that people don't want to be with me/build a relationship with me, when they want and are able to with others.  Therefore I watched those people, and noticed that they smile a lot and are positive, to I tried to be more like this, although a lot of it was subconscious.  However it has never worked in helping me fit in that much (although I can 'pass' enough to get a job, then end up not being what people expected as it was an act that I can't keep up).  Actually I would say it has done the opposite.  I am gaining insight into my behaviours through support I am receiving (as well as research and some self-analysis), before I hadn't a clue regarding why people didn't like me.  The way 'mimicking' is described can sound like a very sophisticated technique, when I think in reality it is not, at least for me.  I wonder what this is like for other autistic adults.  I sometimes think that the description of mimicking can be simplified, perhaps due to lack of research or understanding of how this actually works in practice.  I wonder if people who actually succeed at properly 'fitting in' would actually be classed as autistic...?  Surely at that point it would cease to be a 'significant difficulty'...?  I am interested to learn more about this.

    I identify with a lot of the different descriptions you mention of adults, to varying extents, and I like Donna Williams' fruit salad analogy. ( www.donnawilliams.net/definition.0.html )

  • I think I may be in a similar situation. I found coping strategies that seemed to work for many years until I got into an extremely stressful work situation about four years ago. After struggling with that for several years, I felt like everything unravelled and fell apart. 

    I no longer trust my own abilities to communicate so am terrified of screwing up at work. I have left two jobs because of this and have no idea if I will ever find appropriate coping strategies again.

    i felt bullied and criticised with no support, so left the jobs. Now I feel like a failure but am trying with a new job soon.

  • What I mean by a "narrow" path is that, by trial and error, I worked out a line of least resistance and stuck to it. This meant avoiding certain situations, and doing things in a way that got least noticed. However if I did get unwelcome attention for being odd, it challenged my assumptions, and caused a bit of a panic, hence the "wobble" and things took a while to settle down.

  • Interesting comments Longman, thank you.  Would you be able to clarify the following point:

     Another area of this was trying to keep within a very narrow path to avoid conflicts, which meant if something went wrong I'd have a terrible wobble and mess up for ages, until I got bacjk to that narrow and restrictive path.

    I am not sure I understand what this means.  Can you give more details or an example?

    With awareness of autism, I am now recognising so many incredibly basic mistakes that I make, including literal understanding, using incorrect grammar and made up words, talking as I wish to rather than inhibiting my utterances to try to fit with general conversation, but actually have stopped being so hard on myself for being me.  However I realise that due to this my difficulties may be beginning to be more noticable, and colleagues have begun making comments that suggest that they recognise my difficulties.  This makes me worried re. being 'found out' at work, as I am in a job that relies on good communication.  However at last I can start to find out who I am really, rather than the false one that I had used to cover up myself.

    I enjoy being able to express these difficulties in the knowledge that people won't be trying to shut me up on this forum  

    Have you found that you improve in your ability to communicate through realising 'errors'?  I am hoping that this will happen to me, ie. rather than carry on making the same 'mistakes' that I will learn how I 'should' (in the NT world that we need to operate) communicate.  Please appreciate that I am using inverted commas not because I am suggesting that autistic communication is inferior but rather viewed as such by the general population.  I understand that many aspects will continue, and don't wish to change again, but I wonder with regards to grammatical mistakes, ability to understand what people are saying (eg. learning to be less literal) etc. and also executive functionning, as if it is possible to develop these areas then life in an NT world would be easier.

    Also, does anyone have experience they can discuss on here, of using an advanced echolalia as an adult?  I have recently realised that I quote people in the exact words, sometimes back to that same person, without realising.  I also repeat myself using the same words that I used previously, to the same person when on a topic.  This scared me to realise my inability to communicate in these cases and also that I had subconsciously memorised what another person said.

    I have highlighted the questions so that you can hopefully see if this interests you before having to read the text.

  • Also something I have done a lot of, before and since diagnosis, is committee work. That might seem an inappropriate activity.

    However if they are well managed, people speaking one at a time, and no background noise, I manage fine. If people start talking at the same time or laughing a lot it gets stressful. Also I cannot do the social chit chat that goes on at the end of a meeting. Means I leave promptly.

    What I do find is it provides contact with other people that I wouldn't get through having difficulty with social situations. It is structured and predictable. At the same time it gives me a lot of experience of interchange I wouldn't otherwise have had, which helps inform social encounters, and gives me a bit of role play to use.

    Committees seem to me a good environment for people on the autistic spectrum to flourish in, though I can well understand many would find it as frightening as any other social situation.

    I'm sure though there are other people, not diagnosed perhaps, who seem to join committees, because it gives an opportunity to talk about special interests at length, hopefully if it is the right committee for such dialogue - consider all the railway and other transport groups there are. And I do often meet other autistic spectrum people on committees.

  • I had to unlearn a lot of redundant coping strategies when I got diagnosed. Certainly I did and still do a lot of acting out, which is artificial and not the real me, and it had the risk that people might perceive it as flippant.

    Nevertheless I think that acting is a necessary coping strategy. Not being able to read social situations properly, acting out scenarios that help me "read between the lines" is vital. You might consider refining rather than dropping the 'acting as if someone else' approach.

    The big redundant coping strategy I had to dismantle relates to strategies that fended off where someone noticed I was odd and started making an issue. Not knowing why this happened I would use elaborate attempts to deflect the attention. Another area of this was trying to keep within a very narrow path to avoid conflicts, which meant if something went wrong I'd have a terrible wobble and mess up for ages, until I got bacjk to that narrow and restrictive path.

    Knowing what aspergers does to me has helped me formulate simple and sensible ways of coping.

    What I do a lot is observe. I guess it is the scientist in me. I go into situations I find difficult, find a comfortable viewpoint and study the processes going on - where the worst background sounds come from, and where things are quieter - pubs, shopping malls, supermarkets, railway stations (where I have a lot of difficulty), busy streets and pavements near busy traffic, which seems to stress me out.

    I do this to find out how long I can tolerate an environment, what part of an environment is more comfortable, and at what point should I leave if it is starting to affect me. That way I don't avoid difficult environments. I manage them.