Self worth

My step son was privately educated for some of his teen years and reckons its had a massively positive impact on him, he says you get confidence sort of built in when you're in an environment that says "you can" and tries to make that happen, rather than one thats always telling you can't.

I don't really remember ever having a sense of self worth, but I remember the sense of feeling I should have one. I think for me it was years of therapy and all the spiritual work I did after that gave me any real sense of myself as having any worth.

I think I find it hard as I don't have a sense of achievement, I just don't get the dopamine hit that others seem to when they do something new or well, I have a sense of having gotten away with it, flying under the radar unnoticed. Nor do I value things like wealth, and careers in the way others seem too, money is a tool to me, it gets me certain things, but stuff, for the sake of having stuff dosen't appeal either. I wouldn't want a big house, I'd just think of how much time it would take to clean and the upkeep and cost of heating. Why would I want more than one spare room for guests?

I think the way others react to you has huge effects on how you feel about yourself, for me other did and often still do react negatively, I'm less bohtered about it now than I was, I just accept that I'm not going to get on with some, maybe the majority of people, that we have different value systems. I've had a lot of people tell me I need to value myself more over the years, but that usually means they think I should be more like them and the things that make them happy should make me happy too.

Thanks Alexa.

Alexa said:

one of the interesting areas of research in her field was childhood resiliance

Childhood resilience is a big topic in schools now. We didn’t have that back in the day. It was called ‘pull yourself together’. It would be interesting to know more about the research.

I remember the old nature v. nurture debate in the press. It might have been thought to be around a 50% split between the influence of genes v. upbringing. I mightn’t have that correct and I don’t know what scientists would say now. I think I read somewhere that many aspects of our personality are fixed, but how much that influences self esteem I don’t know.

Thank you Prof. Your words are sound and I’ve taken them on board. I’ll take you up on the DM offer if I feel like talking more about it. I appreciate the offer.

Right now, I’m going to have a nice bath. Haven’t had one for months. 

ArchaeC said:

I think some people are born more outward looking, resilient and excited by life than others.

My ex-partner's youngest daughter was a family psychiatrist working for a London borough. She told me one of the interesting areas of research in her field was childhood resiliance. That was years ago and I don't know what the latest is on that.

ArchaeC said:

I was also sent to boarding school and couldn’t cope there. It wasn’t a bad school but my life was utter misery.

Hugs. 

ArchaeC said:

I had a ghastly childhood, I was going to talk about it in your other thread, but I don’t have the energy or ability right now to make it a post on its own and to say more about it.

Don’t feel pressure to. Before committing to writing about something like that, consider whether bringing up bad memories would be worth having someone potentially having comforting or empathetic words.

Also consider that there is also the option of DMing someone. I’m sure there are several others here that would be willing to lend a sympathetic ear, but do know that you can send me a message if you prefer that over explaining the past publicly.

This is an interesting thread, especially reading other people's comments. Picking up on some of the themes, I. was encouraged as a child, but much was expected of me, not so much in the academic sense but to learn life skills at a young age and also to some extent to get things right. I think some of my loss of self worth could have been when I was expected to do things I didn't find easy, especially socially. I also failed some A levels and then began to feel that I would fail in lots of ways. 

I do feel happier at work when I am doing things which give me a sense of achievement, whether that be helping someone or looking at a complicated query. I noticed a comment about attention to detail. That is one of my strengths at work, but since COVID things have got a lot busier and more is expected of us, but with less staff. This means that there are less opportunities to do the detailed work and more pressure to do more quickly. 

I think that some autistic traits do not make it easy to have self worth, as I particularly feel awkward in a large crowd. I am guessing that people who come across as confident may have more self worth. 

Thank you. I’m glad to be here and I’m glad you and others are here, 

ArchaeC said:

Of course being autistic means that for we late diagnosed adults, it is probable expectations were placed on us that we couldn’t live up to - a recipe for low self esteem.

Yes.

ArchaeC said:

I really don’t know how I’ve made it to where I am today. 

Sorry to read this A.

I am very glad you are still here.

Confidence, as Alexa and others have mentioned, comes from positive childhood experiences and being unconditionally loved by a parent/s or carers. I think though that genes have a role in the formation of personality. Leaving autism aside for one moment, I think some people are born more outward looking, resilient and excited by life than others. Of course being autistic means that for we late diagnosed adults, it is probable expectations were placed on us that we couldn’t live up to - a recipe for low self esteem.

Freedom from guilt following diagnosis gave me a boost, but I’m not a confident person, except in certain circumstances doing something like working with my dogs to train them or researching.

Being here can be a confidence booster, but I think it’s too late to impact more deeply. I had a ghastly childhood, I was going to talk about it in your other thread, but I don’t have the energy or ability right now to make it a post on its own and to say more about it. I was also sent to boarding school and couldn’t cope there. It wasn’t a bad school but my life was utter misery. I xxxxx xxxx, ended up in hospital, saw an unsympathetic psychiatrist. I really don’t know how I’ve made it to where I am today. 

That sounds incredibly difficult Prof. 

I get where you are coming from because I experienced the issue of my performance as a teacher being tied to exam results. Leaving teaching was enforced upon me through diagnosis of a serious illness which ended up requiring years of treatment. It wasn’t nice but it sort of offered me a way out of teaching and on to other things.

If you do leave, I hope you get something suitable where people share your values.

profdanger said:

I need a job where someone else’s performance isn’t reflective of mine.

I think you do and I can understand how you have ended up taking this all on board.

Maybe something more in the background where you can support someone already successful might be better for you.

All the best whatever you do.

B said:

That's something I suspected and shows how utterly crucial our formative years are (hence the word 'formative').

It's why I despair that we never seem to learn how important it is to help children lead valued lives.

Alexa said:

The truly confident (that is, not a show of confidence to hide insecurity) people I've known gained that through being valued as a child, whatever their status or education.

Yes.

That's something I suspected and shows how utterly crucial our formative years are (hence the word 'formative').

The truly confident (that is, not a show of confidence to hide insecurity) people I've known gained that through being valued as a child, whatever their status or education.

Marianne72 said:

I became an author but was crushed years later by a bad review [just1!]

I feel for you. I've never wanted to be famous in any way because rejection hits so hard. 

Wow I could swing several different ways with this, since this is a topic I’ve struggled with for ages (given the depression). I’ll focus on one aspect, though.

Self-worth is the biggest reason why I chose the job I’m in, yet it’s also increasingly why I’m leaning towards leaving it. I wanted a job where I could feel as though I am making a difference in the community (thereby raising self-worth), but now I’ve realized given several horrible case closures in the last month I also base my self-worth on the success/failure of people under my care. I literally just spoke with one of my bosses about the fact that three of the last major failures on our caseload was not either of our fault. They happened because our clients made incredibly terrible choices despite our support. Regardless, I still feel completely responsible.

I had to leave teaching for the same reason (though there was tons of other reasons, ex. religious values and pay). I saw a downward trend in my students caring about doing work after COVID. It was so bad that one student was expecting me to pass her without doing work, and it felt like she was trying to convince me to ghostwrite music for her. Though it was obviously due to COVID, I still couldn’t shake that downward spiral in self-esteem.

I see that starting to happen again now, so I’m almost ready to jump ship lol. I need a job where someone else’s performance isn’t reflective of mine.

Marianne72 said:

now realize she wanted to improve her lot vicariously through us and considered we had failed her.

EXACTLY. Yes, as per my long spiel on the Did You Have a Happy or Unhappy Childhood thread, I do feel like my mother was unnecessarily hard on my sister, whereas I had an immense amount of freedom. I later discovered that was because she was a golden child while I was a black sheep. It’s unfortunate, but parents do base self-worth on their children due to wanting a second chance at their own childhoods.

Marianne72 said:

I became an author but was crushed years later by a bad review [just1!].

This - and a fear that I might accidentally ruin someone’s life since I write existential horror - is exactly why I do not share my writings. All it would take is one bad review and all my self-worth would crumble. I totally understand that. My advice is to consider returning to writing, yet stop caring about an audience. Somedays I mourn that I don’t have an audience, but at the same time it still feels good to write without fear.

And remember, you could always take a pen name! “It was Lydia that made that continuity mistake, not Marianne!” lol

Thank you. 

I don't pretend to be a psychologist or anything, but they do say much of a person's self-image is formed in childhood, so while I don't think it's quite that simple, one's experiences during the early years are crucial.