Self worth

B said:

Where do you think this comes from?

Background?

Education?

Wealth?

B said:

I do note that people from certain backgrounds can appear much more self confident than others, and confidence can get you far in life.

Aristocrats and 'uppers' appear to have inborn self worth that has nothing to do with money or power - it comes from having a family history of success [perceived], whether or not their generation has money or power.

I lacked self confidence until after University because of my working class background. It was not only reactions of middle class people [usually female] to perceived gaucheness, but my own shyness, lack of talent and position [as I then saw it]. Mother was constantly wanting to be 'better' - she was a lady's maid. When she screamed, 'you're a failure!' at my brother - I felt a 'failure' too at that time, but now realize she wanted to improve her lot vicariously through us and considered we had failed her.

Now is different. I got on the road to career, lost it after being bullied out of the NHS for whistle-blowing but re-gained a sense of self by becoming a campaigner. I became an author but was crushed years later by a bad review [just1!]. I now count, 'success' as helping others and being kind when I can. I don't always succeed because I'm human but I've learned to forgive myself. Reading the news every day, I've learned to appreciate what I have, rather than what I think I want.

B said:

I do think that feedback has helped me and that has mainly been from being loved (always outside the family) and being told that my characteristics are appreciated.

Yes, you ARE appreciated. I only 'know' you on here but love your posts and benefitted from many of them, whether or not I replied. Surely this is more important to self worth than arbitary blood relationships or certain kinds of friends [ones who are really, 'fiends' because they do not have your welfare at heart]. Self worth comes from within but it does need reinforcement from without, from someone/people whose opinion you value.

Marianne72 said:

now realize she wanted to improve her lot vicariously through us and considered we had failed her.

EXACTLY. Yes, as per my long spiel on the Did You Have a Happy or Unhappy Childhood thread, I do feel like my mother was unnecessarily hard on my sister, whereas I had an immense amount of freedom. I later discovered that was because she was a golden child while I was a black sheep. It’s unfortunate, but parents do base self-worth on their children due to wanting a second chance at their own childhoods.

Marianne72 said:

I became an author but was crushed years later by a bad review [just1!].

This - and a fear that I might accidentally ruin someone’s life since I write existential horror - is exactly why I do not share my writings. All it would take is one bad review and all my self-worth would crumble. I totally understand that. My advice is to consider returning to writing, yet stop caring about an audience. Somedays I mourn that I don’t have an audience, but at the same time it still feels good to write without fear.

And remember, you could always take a pen name! “It was Lydia that made that continuity mistake, not Marianne!” lol

Marianne72 said:

now realize she wanted to improve her lot vicariously through us and considered we had failed her.

EXACTLY. Yes, as per my long spiel on the Did You Have a Happy or Unhappy Childhood thread, I do feel like my mother was unnecessarily hard on my sister, whereas I had an immense amount of freedom. I later discovered that was because she was a golden child while I was a black sheep. It’s unfortunate, but parents do base self-worth on their children due to wanting a second chance at their own childhoods.

Marianne72 said:

I became an author but was crushed years later by a bad review [just1!].

This - and a fear that I might accidentally ruin someone’s life since I write existential horror - is exactly why I do not share my writings. All it would take is one bad review and all my self-worth would crumble. I totally understand that. My advice is to consider returning to writing, yet stop caring about an audience. Somedays I mourn that I don’t have an audience, but at the same time it still feels good to write without fear.

And remember, you could always take a pen name! “It was Lydia that made that continuity mistake, not Marianne!” lol