"Dear Harriet" - agony aunt for ND problems (for fun!)

Dear Dodo Brain

perhaps purchasing post-it notes would help. It can be immensley satisfying to tear up each one when you manage to carry out a task. I have a permanent Amazon subscription and it certainly saves on painting my study by having thewalls covered in notes. 

Harriet

Dear H

Thank you for your fascinating reflection on this.

Phased

dear H

I appreciate your excellent advice, thank you - I have unfortunately neglected to tell you and myself that I have a bald head.

I will go to bed and sleep on it.

Night night.

Dear Phased,

Indeed I am fascinated, just adding another layer of meta-thinking to yours. It feels like one of those infinity rooms full of mirrors.

People are endlessly fascinating which is why doing this work is so rewarding.

Keep feeling fascination (looking, learning, moving on)

'H'

Dear NAS84324 (please bear in mind the initial said "for fun")

Recent deep brain imaging has identified as specific region of the neurotypical brain: the "blankusscarperus" lobe.  When reality messages arrive in the extensive regions that they employ to develop a very deep fictional version of actuality.  Expression of the OSH1T gene (common in NTs) means that messages are carried quickly to the muscles of their mouth and locomotor regions.  It is important to realise these reactions are entirely involuntary and drawing their attention to this can cause them extreme distress.  Providing them with a brown paper bag, their favourite soap opera, or similar can help distract them form this distress.  Extreme caution is required and the mind of a cunning stoat and/or seasoned hypnotist is required otherwise to resolve their problem.

Best wishes

Harriet

Dear Phased,

I am so glad that your friend has an understanding neighbour in you.

I think it might be helpful just to tell your neighbour, either face-to-face when you see them or leaving them a nice note.

You could try joining in with the PJs and unwashed hair vibe, maybe when answering your door to them first, before you try it on their doorstep? 

Night night,

'H'

Dear Harriet

I have recently become fascinated about how fascinated I am about being fascinated about something.

I find this quite fascinating.

Do you find this fascinating too?

Please expect a delayed answer to yours as i am likely to still be fascinated about it.

Dear B

There are a wide variety of strategies that spring to mind - most of which are intended to be humorous on my part - flatulence and/or exuding an air of seething hostility whilst foaming at the mouth perhaps?

Seriously tho' - "non-verbal barriers" keep the shopping trolley in such a place to keep them away, carry a bag that goes between you and them or adopt a "big posture" - wide stance and arms slightly flared.  Keeping the head up and looking around casually.

more physical - take a half step away like starting to move and then stop - or have a yawn and a stretch - kind of claiming your space as if you just need to get comfortable.

Or otherwise a polite but clear verbal request - something like "would you mind giving me some room please" or similar.

Best Wishes

Harriet

Dear Harriet,

Why do NT people run away or go silent the second there is a problem? Why are people so afraid of just facing something? It is embarrassing is it not...

Dear Harriet

How can i get my neighbour to realise that I don't think it matters if they are still in their pyjamas and unwashed hair when I pop round to see them?

Should I start popping round in my PJs with unwashed hair too?

(asking for  friend)

Dear Vardaguyn, I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are facing with your social group. It isn't easy when people don't understand your needs, especially if you are feeling vulnerable.

From what you write, it is tricky to assess what the other people's intent is (why they are doing this).

I wonder whether their efforts to point you towards specific things stem from a genuine intent to help you towards what they see as a better situation, or to make a problem go away? Sometimes groups also dump activities onto the person least likely or least able to say no.

Either way, it's important that you can advocate for what you want and need, or have someone alongside you who can help you with this. I hope you have a good friend or ally who can watch out for you. What you want for your life matters, a lot. Take good care.

'H'

Hi Hergé, what an interesting query!

If the visitor is unbidden (say, a burglar) then it is acceptable and indeed advisable to find a safe space.

If, however, you or a family member has actually invited the person in, then it is a matter of how long you intend to hide and whether you will be discovered. A lengthy trip to the bathroom (for respite or silent scream purposes, easily covered as a gippy tummy) or a lie-in (so tired - sorry!) may pass without comment but a hours-long disappearance in the day may even prompt a search and rescue party fearful of the absent person having befallen some injury or mishap!

Perhaps it may be worth being honest with the visitor about your needs, or having a briefish prior engagement mid-visit (flagged up front) or trimming their next invitation to a duration you can handle?

Hope this helps. 

Yours, from the airing cupboard (they'll go soon),

'H'

Thank you leveller61. 

That’s a good idea to ask local charities. I’ll keep looking for someone. 

I haven’t a head torch so I may invest. I’ve lots of other battery lights and torches in case of blackout. 

Thank you Iain. I’m going to continue trying for a few more weeks to get an electrician. 

Dear Harriet, is it acceptable behaviour to hide elsewhere in the house when someone is visiting?

leveller61 said:

The modern etiquette writer William Hanson made a suggestion on this which appeals to my English passive-aggressive tendency. He suggested approaching the person with a smile and saying 'Excuse me, but I don't think your headphones are connecting'. If, as is likely, the person replies 'I haven't got any' or 'I'm not using them', you can say 'Oh, that will be why we can all hear you then'. And then walk off briskly...

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Dear Harriet 

Having problems with people accepting me, what I want to do now.

Since June 2022 I've been going to A social group.

Open to all women, with no formal membership required. They host regular gatherings and activities.

People are making up excuses like shame isn't another regular group in my town. The meetings is a cover up to have a chat. Also I've got too much stuff. 

Nice to make memories, when I get older and look back what I done.

Some people understand about the group as it's a good way of doing something creative, listening to talks and meet people. 

I'd tried to explain the reasons, that I didn't know know what's happening with the library volunteers and that's why I'd joined.

Another issue is that I'm on a back up list for delivering the community magazine. The same people saying the organisers will expect me to deliver the whole lot (would take me a week to do this); merge the round that the regular distributor and others don't want to do 32 houses. The regular will ask me to take over and we made arrangements. I wasn't keen on the money side.

People tried to plan for my future by saying I ought to do an non existent training course, and making me go to book binding once a week. Told them I won't go and got nasty saying wish we talk about this in the first place and trying plan for your future. Also making me go to a job fair and nearly forcing me to apply for vacancies in the chemist. They're keep on saying I'll be good at it.

In 2015 I had a nervous breakdown. 

My friends say sorry going through a tough time and shouldn't done this in the first place. 

Just want everyone on the same page as me, accept me and move on. 

I go out for a walk, meet people and see the views. 

Why are they doing this to me?

I’ve often wondered if it is them who function incorrectly and we actually are normal’. They don’t seem to like adapting when we are the ones who are thought to be too rigid. I think I prefer being a hedgehog.

I think you are right, autism does scare them, someone said on here ages ago, “ if monkeys come across something they don’t understand, one of them will poke it with a stick, if they still don’t understand it, they attack it.

Maybe we have evolved to autism V7, that’s what scares them. If someone doesn’t think I’m autistic, my answer should be, “I didn’t think you were stupid but here we are.”

This meme always explains my thoughts on being with people.

Dear B,

Thank you for raising such a pertinent query, which will be familiar to many readers who frequent public transport or cafés. The modern term for this is 'barebeating'.

The modern etiquette writer William Hanson made a suggestion on this which appeals to my English passive-aggressive tendency. He suggested approaching the person with a smile and saying 'Excuse me, but I don't think your headphones are connecting'. If, as is likely, the person replies 'I haven't got any' or 'I'm not using them', you can say 'Oh, that will be why we can all hear you then'. And then walk off briskly...

Hope this helps.

'H'

leveller61 said:

More feasibly, you could play it out loud from a mobile device and sing along.

Me singing would make them run!

Great song. Great plan.

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