"Dear Harriet" - agony aunt for ND problems (for fun!)

I’ve often wondered if it is them who function incorrectly and we actually are normal’. They don’t seem to like adapting when we are the ones who are thought to be too rigid. I think I prefer being a hedgehog.

I think you are right, autism does scare them, someone said on here ages ago, “ if monkeys come across something they don’t understand, one of them will poke it with a stick, if they still don’t understand it, they attack it.

Maybe we have evolved to autism V7, that’s what scares them. If someone doesn’t think I’m autistic, my answer should be, “I didn’t think you were stupid but here we are.”

This meme always explains my thoughts on being with people.

Dear B,

Thank you for raising such a pertinent query, which will be familiar to many readers who frequent public transport or cafés. The modern term for this is 'barebeating'.

The modern etiquette writer William Hanson made a suggestion on this which appeals to my English passive-aggressive tendency. He suggested approaching the person with a smile and saying 'Excuse me, but I don't think your headphones are connecting'. If, as is likely, the person replies 'I haven't got any' or 'I'm not using them', you can say 'Oh, that will be why we can all hear you then'. And then walk off briskly...

Hope this helps.

'H'

leveller61 said:

More feasibly, you could play it out loud from a mobile device and sing along.

Me singing would make them run!

Great song. Great plan.

️

Dear Roy, two very good questions.

NTs tend to be programmed in 'teddy bear' mode at the factory so they like hugs very much, even if hugging rubs their fur off over the years. They find it hard to believe that some people operate in 'hedgehog' mode because hugs make them feel icky or overwhelmed or whatever. So they look strangely at 'hedgehogs' because the hedgehogs are different and also they as teddies will be deprived of a hug. It confuses them.

There are many reasons why someone may not believe you are autistic, even if you tell them. Here are just a couple. Maybe they see you 'pass' as an NT because you are a ninja at masking. Maybe they don't want to associate you with something that scares them, probably because they don't understand autism. Maybe recognising you are different would require them to adapt or accommodate and they don't want to or don't know how. Or maybe they habitually choose not to believe another person's truth, which would be rude...

We have yet to evolve to autism v7, where we all get green spots, so I reckon this will be a continuing issue. Sorry.

'H'

ArchaeC said:

I am unable to find any electrician who will call at my house to wire new light fittings.

If you are doing a like - for - like replacement of lights then it can be very straightforward. I can't offer advice on how to do this in case if falls foul of the rules of this site but I have done this dozens of times myself in many renovation projects. 

The things I look for are to make sure the power is off at the main breaker and to be safe I test with a multimeter before touching any wire. I always have someone else in the room with me in case there are any issues with balance with being up a ladder and balancing heavy light fittings.

I do research on suitable cable connectors so I can connect the cables to the new light with the least fuss and still keep everything to the current wiring codes.

What was always the most difficult thing for me was securing the new light fitting to the ceiling - these are often crumbly plaster of the holes don't line up so many times I have had to open the hole a bit more, install a support piece of wood that I screw to the rafters (and can screw the light fitting into securely) then repair the plasterboard and plaster before installing the new light.

There is no rocket science and solid common sense is always needed. Once complete I always test the frame of the light fitting in case there is an internal earthing fault and if the frame is live then I remove it and re-wire it to make sure the earth connection is solid. Older lighting circuits don't have an earth wire though so this may not be relevant.

In the worst case you can do all the prep yourself - get the new light out with the bulbs in it and hire one of the companies that charge by the hour - it tends to be really expensive. Perhaps TaskRabbit or similar task completion apps can help with this too.

Be safe and good luck.

Dear ArchaeC, please don't try to work on electrics without the training - we value you here and would not want to see you get hurt.

Whatever your age, I would suggest asking local charities who help older people which tradespeople they recommend for this sort of work.

Until then, have you a headtorch? They are very good for bringing light to wherever you are looking, and not that expensive from outdoor shops. Also good in a blackout...

'H'

Dear B, this is a common and irritating issue for us NDs, which was briefly solved by COVID social distancing.

One way to get some space would be to get the members of The Police to make up, reform and act as your entourage to sing 'Don't Stand So Close To Me' whenever someone is doing that thing. More feasibly, you could play it out loud from a mobile device and sing along.

'H'

Alexa said:

Dear Harriet

How can I get my NT neighbours to stop dropping by and ringing my doorbell without warning?

Dear Alexa, one solution is to remove your doorbell and cover your front door with padding that renders it impervious to knocking. The downside is that you will not receive any parcels from couriers so you will have to go shopping, you will not know when the visitors you do want have arrived and you will not get to have those fun meetings with people asking if you are familiar with the imaginary deity of their choosing.

If this seems too extreme then creating a highly uncomfortable environment for guests is another good option - tall chairs with one uneven leg, deeply uncomfortable chairs or a pet who delights in sniffing crotches are all effective ways of making them think twice before coming back.

Good luck.

Harriet.

Dear Harriet

Is there a way of politely asking a person not to use their phone on loud speaker in a public place, especially an enclosed one, and is it OK to do so?

I find it exceptionally hard not to knock the phone out of the person's hand and flush it away.

Dear Deirdre, 

Why do people look at me strangely when I ask not to be hugged?

Why don’t people believe I’m autistic?

Dear Harriet

I am unable to find any electrician who will call at my house to wire new light fittings. The electricians I’ve spoken to are interested only in large jobs.

What do you suggest? It looks straightforward to wire myself but that might be illegal. 

Dear Dodo Brain

I'm sure Amazon will offer you all sorts of products, one of which might be the item you need. I would avoid buying a toilet, however, unless you want two (or more).

Harriet

Dear Harriet

Why do people I don't know stand so close to me?

Any suggestions for making them move away that won't get me arrested?

Many thank yous in anticipation.

leveller61 said:

I wonder whether it may have been a shopping list notepad that you were looking to buy.

Yours truly,

That made me smile.

My life is one long list.

However, I had to walk from the bathroom around 20 feet to my study and sit down at a PC that was already on.

I still managed to forget!

It's the fault of the O/P for creating such a distracting thread.

The good news is that I've answered my own question by going back into the bathroom and looking around to remind myself what needs topping up.

Good job I can still see fairly well as my brain isn't functioning brilliantly.

Dear Dodo Brain,

I wonder whether it may have been a shopping list notepad that you were looking to buy.

Yours truly,

'H'

Dear Harriet

I just sat down at my PC to buy something on Amazon, got completely distracted by this thread, and now I can't remember what it was.

Any idea?

Thanks.

Dodo Brain

HA! OMG I totally forgot that it has an alternate definition. Yeah, maybe I should specify that this “Harriet” is from America LMAO

profdanger said:

no soliciting

Um, I think you need to give some thought to that word and its implications .... although it may not have the same history in the US.