Meltdown today

Thank you, it does help to know we aren’t the only ones! I hope your day goes okay today, rest, being gentle with ourselves needs to take priority. 

I melted last night - on holiday, dinner with the family... It's not nice and I'm not proud of myself, but that combination of out of comfort zone, somewhat irrational fear of being driven abroad and 8 plus hours since my last meal had me enraged. 

Ho hum - all relationships remain in tact, I just haven't slept as couldn't come down which might not bode too well for today... Been a while since I lost my *** that much though fortunately I managed to keep it internal. I'm somewhat surprised I didn't spontaneously combust! 

Posting just because you aren't alone. 

Thanks Roy, I will try your podcast suggestion. I enjoy ‘self help’ and ‘The missing 20%’ both really different but interesting. 

I have a therapist too, I don’t know what I would do without her. 

I understand this, I can’t get my words out when I get overwhelmed and if I do I have quite a bad stammer. I agree it is frustrating. I know it helps to get the words out in any way I can so I do try even though I’m embarrassed. I have a very kind and patient therapist.

At my assessment my wife described my periods of silence as ‘radio silence’ they can last for days. 
I particularly hate it when a scene has played out in public, it seems to give my family something to gossip about. I think of it as similar to sending drunk text messages, in the morning I can’t remember that being me and feel even worse.

If you want a good podcast I can recommend Sara Gibbs, Aut-hour. One of her guests is Fern Brady, a very good listen. They are all good guests, everyone is autistic!

It’s frustrating because I don’t want to be mute,  I can’t speak, or look at anyone, I don’t want to be seen and these things alway happen infront of other people. I have thoughts of how bad it feels and I’m kind of scared of what might happen next and also scared the person I am with will hate me. It’s shame I suppose. This afternoon is a quiet one for me, going to sit in the hot tub and listen to a favouite podcast ..

Sorry to jump in, it is that inability to access words that becomes so frustrating. Either a tirade of words come out that weren’t meant for public consumption, more thoughts, or nothing and not able to find the words, they are all jumbled and not accessible.

Thank you Lonehare, I certainly feel like I have got my fair share of difficulties at the moment. They aren’t easy to fix either, and I struggle to share my feelings and how much everything hurts in real life. I find when I’m angry, overwhelmed or sad I do become mute or at least able to access less words than usual. It’s frightening and frustrating. 

Learning to be easier on myself is hard, I can be quite harsh and expect a lot of me. I don’t apply those rules to others though. 

Im glad you are posting here, and releasing a bit of what is causing you distress. it sounds like you are dealing with a lot, and it's understandable that you've been pushed over the edge. I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate your way through this.

Oh and thank you for your reply, it means a lot when someone gets it. 

Yes, I felt numb for the rest of the day yesterday, and my eyes hurt from all the crying. I did spend the afternoon and evening doing quiet things alone as much as possible. I have been thinking about my diagnosis and how this gives me permission to find things hard, before I just thought I was *** at coping and rather broken. I see differences in myself all the time now compared to my colleagues, and wonder why I didn’t notice it before so much (not so much with my family… my kids are just like me! Haha! . I’ve become ‘more autistic’  for sure, I think you posted about that idea recently. I feel like it’s allowing myself to be me and not this constant masking which hurts so much.  You are right, a new diagnosis is a big thing and I do need to take some time to let it settle and to reflect on memories through this new lens. 
I work 2 days a week, I cannot manage more, I never have been able to. I also do bank occasionally, but only when I feel able. Financially I would struggle if I didn’t work because my money pays for the things that keep me afloat - therapy and a hobby. 
Thinking about referring to myself as autistic, I am finding it strange too! 

I just wanted to wish you well Orangegnome . That all sounds really hard to deal with individually, and when put altogether would send anyone over the edge into a meltdown. I hope something can give a little, and you have an easier time of it and you take it easier on yourself. 

Hi, sorry this happened to you, I personally hate the after effects, the tiredness and almost disorientation. I can’t give much advice but you are only recently diagnosed, that in itself takes a heavy toll.

I’m only just over a year post diagnosis, most days I recognise something that I then realise makes me different, normally something i respond to differently. Add to that processing decades of life and tension is normally then simmering. Personally I would recommend taking some time away from work, not leave work but a break. My wife is also NHS and has recently gone down to a 3 day week, she seems much less stressed. She has also put her name down for bank work incase she wants extra money, this is normally paid within a week.

A new diagnosis is a massive thing, don’t be too hard on yourself, I find being alone is the only way I can truly recharge, a diagnosis reframes an entire life, I liken it to the stages of grief, some treat it differently. I still find it strange to refer to myself as autistic, it still seems quite strange and unbelievable.

I can feel the stress of your day just through your words

Mashed potatoes? Why would someone do that? 

I too had a meltdown today. It started as I was loading the car for a tip trip, one of our neighbours appeared and we started a conversation about her garden improvements, but the wind was blowing our voices, I didn’t catch certain words, answered yes when she expected no, then she looked at me really weirdly like Id cursed her mother. I changed the subject, complimented her on her dress and she thought I was being sarcastic (I never am, Im incapable of it nor do I understand it) as it was it turned out to be cheap chinese junk. So I ummed and ahhd and embarrassedly retreated. 

The tip was stressful as ever, long queue to get in, random bin bag searches, and a sensory hideousness of stench and rushing people and noise. We then headed to the retail park and it was just too much for me, and I broke into pieces. There were dogs and tonnes of litter, aggressive drivers in unnecessarily huge cars, kids strutting about, blokes with hairy legs playing pocket billiards outside Costa, the bloke in the pet store with metal all over his face and angry tatoos (what message is he trying to give!) was as invalidating as ever. I was exhausted and broken and giving my opinions as per above in a voice I knew people would hear. Its grenades going off in my head, cutting shrapnel as verbals, , Fortunately H steered me back to the car out of trouble, got me home where I crashed out in exhaustion.

I am really unpleasant when in a meltdown, my judgements on people surface and I express them loudly. Its frustration and overload and ultimately anger. But deep down I know these are my true feelings. 

A

I had a meltdown yesterday.  Someone smeared a hand full of mashed potatoes on the lock above my door handle.  I took a picture, wrote a log of the time and than I used a wipe to clean off the knob.

I am willing it to go well for you.