Older late diagnosed or self identifying people, do you ever wonder how you made it to adulthood?

Roy said:

Thank you , I think we had to become adults at a very young age.

Oh, yes. It feels as though, all my life, I was the strong one and had to work out how to rescue myself in every situation. It's amazing any of us survive. 

Thanks, It is spite and I know that person is now dead, I’m alive, I won and I will keep winning. In the 70’s and 80’s we were told to stay away from ‘dirty old men,” they were nothing like that, even then people got jobs that gave them easy access to children, these people come from all walks of life.

I read Alice’s original comment when they wrote it at about 4am, I was awake as I had a nightmare, it never really stops.

That was powerful reading, I feel the same, I lived out of sheer stubourness because I won't let "them" win. I think it's one of those things where if you've not experienced it yourself it's very hard to understand how choosing life can start as an act of spite and then grow into something amazing. A fully rounded person, scarred and unafraid to show the wounds, being authentic and enjoying life, despite the years spent with people intent on destroying your very being.

Thanks for your reply, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said , my grandparents lived with us when I was a child, they were true East Enders, my grandfather also helped liberate Belsen, he spent 6 months with a digger pushing bodies into holes, as many died after liberation as when under German rule, My Nan knitted him a long scarf that he coiled around his face to stop the stench , 1940,s PPE. 

He wasn’t an unkind person but always very distant, I remember him watching a program on Mosley and he black shirts, I thought his dinner was going to go through the television screen, he had lived through part of it and engaged against them. He said he had fought fascists abroad and then I come home to it. I think a lot of that generation had seen things that no human should ever see.

I’ve watched documentaries from the 1940,s to present and each generation states that the country is finished and washed up. I have a Northern relation who grew up through the miners strike, he still hates a certain political party, his children have inherited the same hate.

My dad was a very angry man in the 70s, he would watch the news and rage about immigration (nothing changes) thought Enoch Powell was the best politician and heck did we argue. However after his death I managed to piece together his history, what happened to him in WW2 as a lorry driver and understood that his anger wasn’t at me, or my mum, or the politicians of the 70s but at the people and officers and sadists in Germany who did the dreadful things he had to see and help put right (he was part of the British unit which liberated Belsen but saw much else). And so I came to terms with how he was and forgave him, in memory at least, and am at peace with those years of our relationship. 

Anger often gets internalised and then comes out displaced onto a proxy. It certainly happened to me too. My anger is at several people, several of whom are thankfully dead, and the Roman Catholic church, who are beyond my ability to even remotely influence or have meaningful exchanges with. The proxy I cannot tell you about as in this age of “group think” I would be ostracised for verbalising it

Alice

Good to know you’re okay Alice-nice-Alice 

I love cats too….my cat Monty is 13 now and he is a constant source of joy to me

Thanks LoneHare, yes Im ok, I appreciate everyones concern, it does help and means a lot. Im fortunate that despite my problems my wife is incredible in her support and as always gets me through. We met at at a cat rescue sanctuary, we were both cat socialisers, such a beautiful and wonderful thing to do. We don’t volunteer there these days but thats another story. We have four cats of our own who we adore

A xxx

Thanks   Im ok, truly.  Im always working on my self care, on techniques to get through crises and again found a way thrpufh

A xxxx

Hi Roy

Thanks again for posting. Reading your words helped me, thank you. Grooming is a hideous thing, we were talking about it last night coincidentally. My wife and I met only late in life and are gradually sharing our troubled histories, I recalled to her how I had been groomed on a mental health forum but managed to realise what was happening in time to disentangle myself. 

Keep going and stay strong, Im sure your presence here helps many of us

best wishes

Alice

Hi Roy

Thank you for sharing this. It was a very brave thing to do.

I think posts like yours help all of us feel a little more understood, especially those of us who have found ourselves in such a dark place that it felt as though there was no other answer.

Your honesty will mean a lot to people reading this, even if they don’t reply.

Thank you.

Hello Alice-nice-Alice , I’m really sorry if I’ve opened up old wounds. In answer to your question, I will be 60 next year, I’m not  bothered by it as I don’t really celebrate birthdays, it’s just a number. 

I was diagnosed just over a year ago, as a child I was groomed and eventually abused, I didn’t mention it at my assessment as I felt too ashamed and thought they would think me too damaged to diagnose. I am aware abuse can come in many different forms.

To be honest I couldn’t have gone on much longer, stumbling upon autism really did save me and gave me a lot of the answers I needed.

I was asked at my assessment whether I had ever considered suicide, my reply was I had actually bought the rope, it seemed to unsettle the specialist. 
At the moment I have chosen life and will try and keep going, if I fail then the abuser wins and I won’t let them win. Sorry to be so frank but that’s how it is.

Hi Alice-nice-Alice  I’m also hoping you’re OK this morning  

HiAlice-nice-Alice 

I hope you’re okay this morning

Hi Alice-nice-Alice,

Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling.  I’m really sorry to hear things are difficult for you. The community is here to listen and support you as best we can.

You wrote about finding it hard to find anyone who can provide some support, that can feel very isolating.

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you are at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help.  

You could call your GP and ask for an urgent appointment – they can help you get the right support.  

If it’s not an emergency but you’re still struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.  

 Other free, confidential support includes: 

• Samaritans – Call 116 123, 24 hours a day 

• SANEline – 0300 304 7000 (4.30-10.30pm daily)  

• Shout – Text 85258, 24 hours a day 
• Mind Infoline – 0300 123 3393 (Mon–Fri, 9am-6pm)  

I hope this information is useful and you can access some support soon.

Take care

Suzanne Mod

Hi Roy

To help me with context may I ask how old you are? Im 68, was diagnosed late, just four years ago..

To answer your question - the autism diagnosis explained pretty much everthing, especially in the light of abuse which led to C-PTSD which I am also diagnosed with. However knowing why I was/am like I was/am doesn’t help at all, its like understanding why say a car is broken but not having or being able to access the tools to fix it. ie: me. 

In fact the knowledge has made things worse, particularly as those who can help me won’t , and who want to help me can’t. I think it is might only be a matter of time before I make another attempt on my life. 

I don’t understand why people congratulate others on receiving an autism diagnosis, its not magical or wonderful or a special gift, well not in my experience. 

Yes I do! Although more specifically I wonder how I got through school life (I couldn’t do it now). I wonder how I managed to do so many things in life. 

100% and after being diagnosed at 48 it almost feels like I’m starting again on a new path with a whole set of new challenges. Exhausted  

Wow this reminds me of my mum, always slating someone and the way she speaks about immigrants is just awful especially because she is meant to be a Christian. 

I can just imagine the scene Roy it’s so depressing and hard to sit through. 

I know my mum thinks she’s a brilliant mum but my experience is something entirely different.

Every. Single. Day. 

Roy said:

It was like watching the news with Alf Garnet narrating it.

That made me smile.

Roy said:

my brother and I were fed and had a bed, that was about it, the rest was for us to workout.

Ditto, but sisters.