Does anyone else with ASD ever feel like they irritate people?

I found it very rewarding. I did manage a team once but quickly realised it was not something I liked to do. I just didn't understand how to deal with people that worked for me!

I spent my early years building my own machines as an Electronics Engineer before I started my career as a software engineer. I remember at the few parties I went to, I had little to say as being a software engineer back then was unusual.

Now, I see people get excited when I mention I worked in the games industry.

I'm retired now, but go into schools to promote STEM subjects.

People have told me repeatedly that I irritate them, after many years i have finally stopped worrying about it.

It seems to be a common theme with autistic people from what I have read. My wife is very good at gently and discreetly reminding me that my facial expression sometimes gives the impression I am angry or annoyed. She will give me a gentle nudge when talking to people. Often it's just the standard setting of my face! But sometimes people bore me to tears and it's an accurate reflection of how I am feeling!

Funnily enough I keep telling people lately that I feel like an Alien! It's the only way I can seem to describe the feeling of "out of placeness" I get when around other people. Imagine that, it turned out that autistic people were just from another planet

Same here with the football. I just nod, try my best to smile and look for a way to escape the situation or just tell them bluntly that im not interested and don't want to listen.

I'm 38 years old female living in an alien world and occasionally preoccupied with dolls. As pointless as video games I guess

Ye totally. My children told me that all my friends think that I hate them because I'm rude to them when they come round. I was surprised as I didn't do this intentionally. I must seem rude to a lot of people without realising it unfortunately. 

Same! I got told recently that its rude to tell people "I'm not interested in that, sorry" when being overly engaged by someone on a topic I struggle to care about. I didn't mean it in anyway whatsoever as offensive, it was purely a means to not waste anyones time. On reflection that may have come across as rude, even though I would never have wanted it to! I guess that's why we mask. 

I’m wondering if styles of communication is where autistic people can seem irritating or aggressive. In the workplace neurotypical people enjoy and expect a certain amount of small talk, a person may tell me all about their weekend or previously for me  about their children’s school activities . I would normally give a one word answer, I’ve learned that it throws them off balance, I can seem rude or uncaring.

The truth is that I’m often not interested as I’m normally immersed in something else, I’ve also often not really listened as my brain is somewhere else. Time has taught me to at least look interested and hopefully smile at the right time.

Thats what I find interesting, I have been grilled in the past for saying something in which I did not on anyway mean to cause offense or annoyance, to be later told it was offensive and annyoing to someone! I manage a team of people (realising now that was probably not the best choice for me to pursue!) I seem to either irritate people because I say something bluntly, or because I am "too kind" , a sympton of being a people pleaser. 

Out of interest, how have you found your career as a software engineer? I have always loved the thought of doing something similar and imagined it would suit my likes in terms of workflow. 

Thats what I find interesting, I have been grilled in the past for saying something in which I did not on anyway mean to cause offense or annoyance, to be later told it was offensive and annyoing to someone! I manage a team of people (realising now that was probably not the best choice for me to pursue!) I seem to either irritate people because I say something bluntly, or because I am "too kind" , a sympton of being a people pleaser. 

Out of interest, how have you found your career as a software engineer? I have always loved the thought of doing something similar and imagined it would suit my likes in terms of workflow. 

Yes. I reached the level of Senior Software Engineer with one company and I heard a complaint that I was snappy and irritable with people. They came to me for help but I'd bite their heads off.

I didn't realise I was doing it. I was focussing on work and hated being interrupted. I changed afterwards but it was hard, I'm still annoyed when I get interrupted but try to be polite... ugh!

Did you reach this point because of certain experiences, or have you always felt like that? 

I normally either ask or over think about it!

Very true! I often need to remind myself that I also need to be mindful of the accommodations others need.

Hi Twilightmirror, similar to you, it's the gauging part I struggle with!

Hi Roy,

Thanks for sharing, it is encouraging to read as a lot of what you said is already making sense to me. I'm hoping that as time goes on, things will be easier for us all. 

I can relate, I have been told a few times that I have irritated people or they don’t like me which surprised me even when I was told why they didn’t like me as it seemed odd. 
I try to ask people I am close to if I am coming off as annoying or if I do become to much / irritating / annoying that they should tell me straight away as I can not gauge if I am or not, which I find helpful.

Communication differences may irritate people. Bluntness, lack of normal social lubrication, emotional misreads of situations, over sharing, overly detailed responses, quibbling over minor details, literal interpretation, problems with uncertainty, etc.

To what extent it matters depends on whether it stops them talking to you, is a minor annoyance, or is just a quirk that others accept.

There can be over sensitivity to this too. 

Small accommodations is on both sides can make things work more smoothly. But mostly just being self-aware is the main one.

• Do I irritate others more than the average? No (well.., who knows)
• Are there unusual things about me that irritate them? Yes
  • Do I feel I need to change these things? Some, because people also get annoyed for causes that are unfair or irrational.
• Do I know when they are annoyed? If they don't say it, I hesitate, then I either ask directly or ignore it.

I don't just feel I irritate people.  I know for a fact that I irritate people.  And I dont care.