Does anyone else with ASD ever feel like they irritate people?

Hi, I was diagnosed one year ago, I was 57. It did help as in it stopped a lot of imposter thoughts, I had a family member tell me I shouldn’t say I’m autistic unless I am diagnosed with it.

After the assessment I felt happy at first and then sadness at what I thought my life could have been.

I don’t really mention autism to many people, most of my family still don’t know. Most people just don’t understand autism. I’m often still expected to do things I’m not happy with.

It’s viewed that I always seemed to cope, so why can’t I now? The main misconception is that I don’t look autistic, whatever that means. As I stated to unmask and try to make my life easier for me, the reaction was that I’m being awkward.

The answer is yes, the diagnosis has helped. I now know why I’m different, I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I will be me. I’ve lost a few friends along the way but am happy continuing to explore my world. I hope your diagnosis answers a lot of the questions you must have about yourself.

Haha I will remember that moving forward! 

I can completely understand that, Roy! I thought being diagnosed might give me the confidence to speak about autism and how its define me, but like you say, I feel like people may think I am making excuses or being narcissistic. I was only diagnosed about a month ago though. Did you diagnosis (if you have had one )help at all?

Just because you're autistic dosen't mean that you can't have opinions and that those opinions are valid and should be treated as such, but remember we do live in a world where people can't seem to agree to disagree anymore. 

Most of all remember opinions are like bottom holes, everybodys got one!

Me too! My people pleasing has become the definition of most of my interactions. I feel like I never used to be so bad, and I also don't see a problem in being "too kind" (a crazy thing to say to someone as a negative if you think about it, as if being kind is such a crime!) But I am becoming convinced that even kindness and people pleasing is being met with annoyance. Have you experienced that?

Great point! I do the same! I think "well that's a load of nonsense, but I won't say anything otherwise I might upset them" then minutes later I will be told that my opinion is stupid etc and wonder if they are bothered I have found them annoying! Since being diagnosed I worry I am over sensitive and lean towards catastrophising interactions, and that makes things even more difficult to traverse. It's like I need a person speaking into my ear telling me what's appropriate to say and feel

I often feel like I irritate people, I struggle on trying to communicate in their way, but I sense I’m just tolerated and didn’t get it right. I feel that if I mention autism I’m then making everything about me, so mainly I just stay away from people.

Hi Scentsibubble,  you have probably said it better than I explained it! It the feeling that I have done something wrong that seems to linger. It seems to be a common feeling amongst people with autism though

I'm pretty sure I irritate my mother but with others I don't know. I don't have many friends at all so maybe.

I do have the feeling a lot that I have done something wrong. I don't know what that's about.

I do feel that sometimes, well, often actually, but I don't really socialise anymore so theres less oportunity for me to accidentally annoy people, but that being said, a lot of people annoy me and I think some of my fears of being annoying are because I'm annoyed, somebody says something I disagree with and I might not say anything and then worry that I've annoyed them by not agreeing with them. But if I disagree with them and find what they've said offensive, why should I worry what they think of me, they should worry about what I think of them.

No, I try very hard to be agreeable and pleasant with others. I am very confrontation averse and something of a 'people-pleaser'. 

I would have been nodding in agreement with you! I got told recently that it's not appropriate to say to people "I'm not interested in that" if they are talking about something I don't care about. I took it on board because it was someone who I know is trying to help me that told me saying it could be a social faux pas. But every time someone speaks about the football for more than 2 mins my brain starts to shut down. Thats a me problem though. If football brings people joy then good for them. People have told me that a 38yr old man playing video games as a hobby is pointless, and I love playing them, so each to their own I guess.

I had never even considered that! Eye contact is a huge problem for me, I would be sat back to back with people if I could . I had never actually thought that may be creating barriers. 

Why do you feel you are a burdening people, if you don't mind me asking? I get it though, or at least I get the feeling that if I am being my weird, stimmy self, I wear people out, which is burdensome. 

Did you find being diagnosed / realising you were autistic helped or made things worse?

Well I always worry I am burdening people mainly but also worry how I come across (if I'm overbearing). And sometimes I know what I will say will annoy or frustrate no matter how I say it. I wouldn't say I'm blunt but at times I can struggle to be tactful and empathetic even though I want to be. 

I think one of the issues can be eye contact, most if not everyone with ASD hates giving it. I am decent at it though, what I tend to do is focus on something near the eye of the person I'm speaking to. Sometimes though people can figure that out, my last therapist did at least anyway.

It's part of ASD, and realistically could be one of the most universally common issues in regards to socializing for us.

I once made the mistake of saying to someone who was shouting at the badly played football, 'it's only a game.'

Thanks for replying! It would be interesting to hear what a therapist says. You also make a great point, its past feedback that may have made me think I instinctively annoy people. 

It seems to be worse at the minute because of the football, people love talking about it, and I couldn't care less. I don't watch football, I don't follow football and I find it a waste of time talking about it. People look at me like I am an alien when I say that. I'm not saying it to upset people, I love that they love it and that it brings joy to them, I just think it's a waste of time. But then I worry that people think I am being dismissive. 

Thanks for replying! There is a trend developing on this thread that it seems to be the case we feel like we annoy people! Exactly the same as you, I normally pick it up from a vibe and then I can't move forward with my week without because I'm stuck in a loop of worry. I can often make it worse because I ultimately always have to ask if whoever it may be if I have annoyed them, and unless they say yes, I can't make sense of it all. 

Hi Darkelf, its interesting you also worry you annoy people! Sometimes I will say things and I either know it instantly is not recieved well, or sometime later someone may reference it as a point of contention. Frustratingly, in my own mind I know I didn't mean it to offend or upset,  but struggle to convey that. 

When it's close family and friends, it crushes me, and all I do is overthink after the fact. Then when someone says "you said this, and it upset, offended or annoyed me" it feels like I'm being gaslit because I know for a fact I didn't mean it that way. But I think thats my interpretation of the conversation, as I am starting to realise it probably is me and I need to be more careful in what I say. 

I guess that may be a part of ASD? 

Yes I get the impression I irritate people a lot. They never say it but certain interactions and reactions give me that vibe. Then I get stuck in a loop of worry because I'm also not very good at reading people so maybe I'm misinterpreting it.

Yes, it's my persistent problem and I'm gonna talk about it to my therapist next week. I've got so many times a negative feedback,  that I overthink instinctively if I annoyed anyone. But I don't dare asking much, to not annoy others.