Surprises.

I don't like surprises, even on birthdays and Christmases opening presents I'm scared of I won't like them or if it's something I've asked for if it'll be right

Over the years I've learnt to say thank you and my parents and brother have got used to me liking the opening but then looking at the presents in more detail after all the presents have been opened

I hate surprises. 

When one was arranged for a special birthday, someone let on not knowing it was a surprise, but I was relieved as by the time it happened I knew the details. It hasn't happened since and it is understood that there are some things I don't enjoy socially.

My greatest challenge though is my son who always wanted to know what presents he was getting, as he couldn't cope with surprises will suddenly say he is doing something which affects my expected day. I really struggle with uncertainty.

Roy said:

I committed the golden sin, never give hints to autistic people.

I committed the golden sin, never give hints to autistic people.

Roy said:

I meant more in him having the energy to go alone.

Ah.

Thank you. 

It's next year so

My hints aren’t very good, I meant more in him having the energy to go alone.

That’s a really good thing, I don’t think many understand how something we can do on one day, may not be possible on another.

Roy said:

I’m really glad G is able to go to the theatre alone

He does most things like concerts without me and I am equally independent so I don't drag him around for the sake of company.

My mum used to do that to my poor dad bless him.

All relationships are different. 

I know how you feel, Roy. Thankfully, both my mother and sister now know to ask me in advance if I'll be okay with an outing they're planning. And if I'm not in the right headspace on the day, or am just out of spoon, they understand.

I think I will be okay when I get there, I also think I’m going to ask if we can go home afterwards, I’m happy to drive.

Thanks, you have made my day, I’m really glad G is able to go to the theatre alone.

Before autism rode into town, as an event got nearer I would totally withdraw and become non verbal. It’s caused massive problems in the past. 

TheCatWoman said:

I've given people a running comentary of what goes through my head when something like this is sprung on me

It’s similar to be the the usual greeting of, “how are you?” I don’t think they really want to know the truth,  the expected answer is “okay,” not the truth. I don’t think they can even imagine the amount of traffic that goes through our heads.

I say no anyway, sometimes I get presented with a fait acompli and am expected to go along with it and I don't, I did my heels in and refuse point blank and channel my inner mule. I get accused of all sorts of things, PDA among them, embarasment of partners and friends going alone to something. But when I ask why I should be made to feel uncomfortable to the point of feeling unwell, they don't have an answer to that. I think us latelings need to stand up for ourselves more and not be bullied by an NT consensus that "we're OK really and can do it if we really want to", NT's need to understand that it's not that simple or easy, we're autistic not stupid and if it were that easy we'd have done it years ago. I've given people a running comentary of what goes through my head when something like this is sprung on me, they don't like it, but it does, if even temporarily give them an insight into why these things are so difficult, although I do get the totally infuriating 'but you don't have to think like that', at which point I just give up and the whole thing becomes a full on row.

 "I find everyone treats me just the same" - i wonder sometimes that this is likely to continue until one treats oneself differently?

tricky not be be caught in a "no win" situation sometimes - I personally found my confidence took quite a knock around the time of diagnosis - truth was I was always a bit tricky with "surprises" before and struggle to tell the difference sometimes with "hostile" acts and good natured ones.  Do you think you would enjoy the concert Roy ?

Roy said:

Does anyone else struggle with surprises?

Yes, I do, and one that involves as much as your one does, I would very much struggle with.

Sorry this has happened Roy, even if it's from the best of intentions (which I assume it is).

Relationships are hard for us I think.

Funnily enough, the opposite happened for me recently.

My husband bought a single ticket for a show in London when I thought he was buying for both of us.

I was taken aback when he started to talk about the 'ticket' and I think he felt bad when he realised I expected to go too.

My initial feeling was disappointment and then I really thought about it: the travel, noise, people, heat, exhaustion etc and realised that his omission was a blessing in disguise.

Virtual hug.

I’ve never thought of it that way, yes it is a shock,  the theatre was mentioned weeks ago and i quickly changed the subject. I just feel, if I say outrightly no to something then I’m not trying hard enough.  Well everyone else will be enjoying themselves.

Do you like theatre, have you ever expressed a wish to see this production?

I totally understand how you feel, I'd be on the verge of a melt down if someone did that to me, I'm not a fan of surprises at the best of times, I try telling people the only difference between a surprise and a shock is how welcome it is, if it's welcome its a surprise if it isn't then its a shock. I'd have the same worries as you about where to stay, what I could eat, being surrounded by loads of people.

I don't think you're ungrateful, but I think your wife may be a bit inconsiderate

Thanks for your reply, I will most probably be okay by the time we go.

I waited nearly 3 years to be assessed, the result finally gave me an answer. I find everyone treats me just the same, if I could do something before then I should be still able to do it now. Nobody seems to make any allowances. I remember a family member being told I’m autistic, the reply was, “ how does that change anything?.”

I don’t expect people to ‘tip toe’ around me, I just thought  I might get generally treated a bit better. That’s most probably what the underlying problem is.

That part of my own "spiky profile" has it's moments too Roy .

If it's possible to get the "prep" done for the trip early then i am often OK with it - mostly about reassuring myself.

The tricky thing is that whilst i consider myself to be quite good at such prep it is often done at the cost of a lot of energy - and i put it off.

So changes in routine are hard work - maybe focus on the benefits and be steady about the prep?  "accentuate the positive..."?  hehe say's I - putting off something I've been fretting about doing for a couple of weeks by being on this website!