Why does this keep happening? — Stuck in a loop

That sounds like recognition came with time and experience. Finding a way through it like that takes a lot. I definitely don’t have your skills when it comes to saving money though!

For me it went the other way — it just got harder and harder. I didn’t understand what was happening, and I couldn’t explain it. I ended up using AI to sit with it and work through it over time, just to make sense of what I was actually experiencing.

And when it finally started to make sense, the thing that hit me was how different it could have been if I’d had that earlier. That’s what’s brought me here — realising it might not just be me, and that it could help someone else if they were in the same place.

Really appreciate your messages — and just to say, you are talking to a human here.

For transparency: AI has been used assistively to help structure this message =)

Myoshka said:

The part I was trying to understand is whether that loop can be seen clearly enough while it’s happening, not just in hindsight after years of it.

Not when I was younger, but as I got older I started to recognise the pattern. I never found a way of breaking out of the loop though, just saved as much as possible so I could retire a little earlier.

I just want to clarify something, as I think there’s been a misunderstanding.

The original post itself explains that I’ve been using AI as part of how I understand and communicate what’s happening to me. For me, that’s not about automation or distance — it’s assistive. It helps with executive function, structuring thoughts, and being able to actually express things that I couldn’t before.

Everything I’ve written here is still my own experience. I’m reading, responding, and engaging directly with people — the tool just helps me do that in a way I can manage.

So seeing a general warning about AI use on a post that is explicitly about using it as support was a bit disorienting, and honestly put me off contributing further.

I’m here to connect and understand what others are going through, and I’ve really appreciated the replies people have shared so far. That’s the part that matters to me.

If using AI in your responses please state that you have used AI to formulate your response.  (+) Use of AI on the Online Community - Autistic adults - Home - National Autistic Society - Our Community

I hear that. When you’ve gone past where you can get back, everything after that feels like trying to recover something that’s already dropped.

The part I didn’t see before was that point — where it tips. It always felt like it came out of nowhere, but it didn’t.

I ended up having to build a way of tracking it more closely, because nothing else was catching it soon enough. Once I could see where that shift actually happens, it changed how early I could pick it up.

But even with that — there’s still a limit to what you can hold on your own. The environments you’re in matter, and without the support or the language being understood, it still ends up going the same way.

The part where it feels worse each time is exactly what I was trying to get at. And that “stuck” point after the first stage — past the initial push, but not yet back — that’s where it seems to hold. I’ve been thinking about what that first stage used to be for me as well, and how it’s shifted since I started recognising the pattern.

When you say you’re past the first stage, what is that first stage for you?

I can definitely say the burnout I am in at the moment feels worse than the previous one and although I am past the first stage, I now feel stuck and wondering how long it will take to get back to functioning adequately.

I think the difficulty is trying to prevent getting there again and previous methods not always working until it is too late. I think there is also a sense of guilt. The difficulty is knowing when you have passed the point where you can't get back.

What’s coming up here is people already seeing the pattern in different ways — but it still getting through.

And the question for me became: at what cost?

Each time it repeated, it got harder.
Harder to mask, harder to manage — until eventually it just wasn’t sustainable anymore.

Did it feel like that for you as well — that each cycle took more out of you than the last?

That’s very close to what I was trying to describe.

What you’ve outlined — tracking patterns, spotting warning signs, building an early alert system — that’s the same structure. Just done manually.

And the part about sometimes seeing it and still letting it run — that tracks as well. Knowing something is happening doesn’t always stop it.

The therapy point is important, but it’s also where things broke down for me.

I was in continuous therapy for around 14 years. During that time the same patterns repeated, and none of the underlying neurodivergence was picked up. No referral, no trauma-specific work, even with history there. When I later presented the data, it was still dismissed.

ADHD only surfaced through a different professional.

So I don’t disagree that the right therapist can help — but finding one who actually sees what’s happening isn’t straightforward, especially when the patterns are being masked or misread.

What stands out from what you wrote is that you had already built a system to see it yourself.

That seems to be coming up a lot — people building their own ways to track and manage this, rather than it being recognised properly within the system.

When you were using your own system, did it feel like you could see the pattern clearly but not always stop it — and was the difference with the therapist that they could intervene at that exact point?

That’s the point where it shifts.

You’re brought in for a specific strength, and it works.

Then the role changes, or gets flattened out so everyone has to operate the same way.

The fit goes, but the expectation stays.

And from there it starts building again —

not because you’ve changed, but because the conditions have.

The part you said about seeing it coming and trying to explain it before it happens — that’s the bit that stands out.

Did it feel like the same pattern each time once you were in it, or only once it had already played out again?

You have highlighted a situation I see. I was employed for a skill, my work continued highlighting strengths of attention to detail. Then they decide everyone has to do the same and the things that don't fit into my skills start to work on the route to another burnout. It then feels that it is my fault I have 'failed again', even though I have tried to explain before getting there.

"Something."

Beautifully done. x

I am a problem solver by nature so would write down the patterns, note the trends that happen with them, identify the warning signs and create an alert system based on these warnings.

I would also try to look at possible ways I could have re-worked the past experiences to correct the situations as they developed and stop the drama turning into a crisis. Making notes on how to do this gives me a potential way out.

When I used this system (it was all paper based when I did it) then I could catch known situations from escalating successfully and my note taking skills would catch new situations so I could try to pre-emptively solve them if possible

It worked out well on the whole.

There is an element of self sabotage that crept in for me and sometimes I would let a situation knowningly spiral just to watch it all burn at the end - this was only really resolved when I started working with a competent therapist.

I can heartily recommend working with a therapist who has a lot of experience with autists as they should know these situations inside out and be able to teach you the skills to adapt and cope with breaking the cycles,

Finding such a therapist isn't so easy though - I would recommend interviewing them thoroughly before engaging their services.

That reads exactly like the loop.

Effort going up, return going down.

Carrot → stick. Then burnout. Then reset.

And then it starts again.

The part I was trying to understand is whether that loop can be seen clearly enough while it’s happening, not just in hindsight after years of it.

When you look back at it now — did it feel the same each time as it was happening, or did it only become obvious later once you were out of it?

I kept ending up in the same situation
Different job, same final station
Being undervalued, being overlooked,
No matter which routes or choices I took

Management cashed in on the skills that I brought
My reward was more work, but pay increase nought
They dangled a carrot which turned into a stick,
Then wondered why I took time off sick.

Burn out , exhaustion, shutdowns and tears,
Nobody really understood my fears
So I gave in my notice, left that nightmare and then,
I got a new job and it all started again.

Decades of this loop, always so tired
Until last year, when I finally retired.
The system still doesn't favour me
But at least from the world of work I am free.