Why does this keep happening? — Stuck in a loop

I am a problem solver by nature so would write down the patterns, note the trends that happen with them, identify the warning signs and create an alert system based on these warnings.

I would also try to look at possible ways I could have re-worked the past experiences to correct the situations as they developed and stop the drama turning into a crisis. Making notes on how to do this gives me a potential way out.

When I used this system (it was all paper based when I did it) then I could catch known situations from escalating successfully and my note taking skills would catch new situations so I could try to pre-emptively solve them if possible

It worked out well on the whole.

There is an element of self sabotage that crept in for me and sometimes I would let a situation knowningly spiral just to watch it all burn at the end - this was only really resolved when I started working with a competent therapist.

I can heartily recommend working with a therapist who has a lot of experience with autists as they should know these situations inside out and be able to teach you the skills to adapt and cope with breaking the cycles,

Finding such a therapist isn't so easy though - I would recommend interviewing them thoroughly before engaging their services.

That’s very close to what I was trying to describe.

What you’ve outlined — tracking patterns, spotting warning signs, building an early alert system — that’s the same structure. Just done manually.

And the part about sometimes seeing it and still letting it run — that tracks as well. Knowing something is happening doesn’t always stop it.

The therapy point is important, but it’s also where things broke down for me.

I was in continuous therapy for around 14 years. During that time the same patterns repeated, and none of the underlying neurodivergence was picked up. No referral, no trauma-specific work, even with history there. When I later presented the data, it was still dismissed.

ADHD only surfaced through a different professional.

So I don’t disagree that the right therapist can help — but finding one who actually sees what’s happening isn’t straightforward, especially when the patterns are being masked or misread.

What stands out from what you wrote is that you had already built a system to see it yourself.

That seems to be coming up a lot — people building their own ways to track and manage this, rather than it being recognised properly within the system.

When you were using your own system, did it feel like you could see the pattern clearly but not always stop it — and was the difference with the therapist that they could intervene at that exact point?

That’s very close to what I was trying to describe.

What you’ve outlined — tracking patterns, spotting warning signs, building an early alert system — that’s the same structure. Just done manually.

And the part about sometimes seeing it and still letting it run — that tracks as well. Knowing something is happening doesn’t always stop it.

The therapy point is important, but it’s also where things broke down for me.

I was in continuous therapy for around 14 years. During that time the same patterns repeated, and none of the underlying neurodivergence was picked up. No referral, no trauma-specific work, even with history there. When I later presented the data, it was still dismissed.

ADHD only surfaced through a different professional.

So I don’t disagree that the right therapist can help — but finding one who actually sees what’s happening isn’t straightforward, especially when the patterns are being masked or misread.

What stands out from what you wrote is that you had already built a system to see it yourself.

That seems to be coming up a lot — people building their own ways to track and manage this, rather than it being recognised properly within the system.

When you were using your own system, did it feel like you could see the pattern clearly but not always stop it — and was the difference with the therapist that they could intervene at that exact point?