High masking self v Authentic autistic self

I am not sure that the idea that masking is universally bad is a useful concept for all autistic people. Personally, I reject the idea that I am not my authentic self at all times. I am a complex being with a lot of learned strategies for interacting with other people, I use what is appropriate to the occasion. In some cases my learned abilities come with a price in exhaustion. It does not mean that using these abilities is wrong or equates to me being inauthentic. It is just that I have to recognise my limitations and try not to exceed my limits on the amount of time or the intensity that I employ them.

Sometimes I had overdo things, my job involved occasional presentations of my work to colleagues and at conferences, sometimes to large audiences. I knew that giving a 20 minute or 30 minute presentation would leave me in a semi-catatonic state for at least the rest of the day - if not longer. Therefore, after answering any questions, I would leave, go back home or wherever I was staying and be alone and do nothing until I felt I could function again with other people. For most people, certainly most autistic people, a level of occasional discomfort is the inevitable price we pay for achieving any goals we have. Getting an acceptable balance between discomfort and the rewards is the hard part. Exceeding our limits in a consistent manner leads to meltdowns, shutdowns and autistic burnout and needs to be avoided. 

I can certainly relate to this. I'm a few years younger than you but I was also diagnosed 2.5 years ago aged 44 ... My people have commented how I should adjust myself this way or that, essentially to please someone else. The problem with that is - That my authenticity comes first each and every time. I don't agree with many 'social expectations '

I was thinking about masking last night and had a midnight, well 1am, epiphany; everyone has masks they use to get through the day and all the situations and roles we play, from teacher, to pot wash. The difference isn't that NT's don't mask its that they know that the mask they're wearing is authentically them in that situation. We on the other hand seem to think that to be authentic we should wear all our masks at once and that is us being authentic, only all the masks come with their own codes of behaviour, levels of attention etc and so we get a "short" as all the signals get confused and we're left with our brains frizzled and wondering why we don't feel integrated as a person?

I wonder if the key word here is integration, we try so hard to ingetrate with everyone else, maybe we should try less hard and accept that all the masks, facets, faces etc are all real and authentic, we just use the one we need at the time. A diamond can have many facets and we can turn it around and look at them individually, but it never stops being a diamond. I think we can choose which facet is front facing whilst remaining a whole and authentic person.

Ironically, said religions also say that you should treat people with kindness. Weird how that doesn't seem to be practiced

I rarely mask anymore, I decided I'd rather be disliked and shunned, or loved and liked, being the real me, if people don't like me and don't want to be around me, thats fine, I'm worth more than being tolerated, so are you.

Hi, 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this. 

You're not alone in this. This is very common and normal for us. We feel such pressure to conform to some imposed idea which people want us to live by that we 'act' it out- and because it isn't authentic, that's where the exhaustion comes from. The further it is from our authentic selves, the higher the pressure on ourselves. 

But there's no written rule anywhere which says you have to be like this. You just have to be you. And those who genuinely care about you, will accept you for who you are. 

There's a saying, "The cost of everyone else's happiness is your own happiness"

Unfortunately, some people will get angry if you don't conform to some idea. 

Others will tell you "You matter. Don't hide. I'm here for you"

Nobody, for example, knows what I am genuinely like with all my walls down- nobody but my ex-girlfriend. Almost nobody in my university knew who I was, and nobody has seen or spoken to me for months now from there. I was also burnt out. It is exhausting. I was mistaken for a Terminator-like person for months and went undiagnosed for about 6 years since the first suspicion started. Those 6 years were bloody exhausting. 

You don't have to hide. You can just be yourself and the version of you which you want to be. 

I’m glad my words brought you happiness. I feel it is important that all disadvantaged and minority people stick together against the haters. You will Im sure feel this from the high profile gender criticals who are influencing many politicians and political parties on the hunt for votes. Too much of it also originates in religion, I know so many in the LGBTQ+ community who have been told they are heading to hell (including me), but as the saying goes: I don’t want to go to heaven, none of my friends are there 

Oh, thanks so much, that really brings tears to my eyes (I'm MTF, btw, despite the name)

Well done James, stay brave and be your dream, I appreciate how hard that double masking must be as my best friend is trans plus Ive known numerous trans people on my journey. Good luck  

Thank you lonehare. It is good to be my true self and despite the problems I wouldn’t change the dx, even though for me autism has been at the root of my serious mental illness over many years I feal so much more hopeful going forward. 

Very true. I don’t need huge amounts of validation but even so left to my own devices my world would continue collapsing to a dot, a black hole of a person. But Im trying hard with the help of my wife to stop the shrinking and to get out more, engage more and recover the bravery I once had. Yesterday we spent several hours continuing clearing my old house as the sold stc has exchange of contracts in irs sites now. Afterwards we drove  to a coffee house we like for tea which was lovely. Thanks again. AnA

Yes, DEFINITELY. I also suffer from gender dysphoria too, so that's two levels of masking I'm doing every day...

Alice-nice-Alice said:

Now knowing my full real self and retired I barely ever mask

So good that you no longer have to retreat.

It must be a huge transition to go from putting on that mask every day to cope with work demands to suddenly not needing it anymore. Now you can be your real self, but the problem is that people you know still expect the old version of you, which you’ve left behind, and they feel puzzled by the different person they now see in various ways.

Well, I guess unmasking isn’t really about winning people over. If they can’t handle the real you, maybe you’re better off without them. The people closest to you are the ones who appreciate the “real” you.This reminds me of the old saying: "True friends are the ones who stick around when you stop being useful."

My problem though is that most people don’t like the unmasked me. My wife does and perhaps two friends but thats it. 

I was diagnosed roughly 2 1/2 years ago, I realised then that I had spent the majority of my adult life (Im now 68) masking. It was intermittent though, there were gaps when I was truly myself but then overwhelmed by the NT world I retreated again. I was convincing masked but it resulted in huge amounts of unresolved abuse being internalised. It was definitely a safety mechanism in the world of work. Now knowing my full real self and retired I barely ever mask. This sounds great and internally it is but Im getting into frequent scrapes of misunderstanding, confusion and disconnect with most of the rest of the world, I feel alienated from our family and friends with humour extremely difficult.

My gp is great but getting appropriate therapy for the c-ptsd is literally impossible. 

I wouldn’t change anything though even the diagnosis brought as many problems as it lights it lit. 

AnA

on top of this, if people find it strange at first, you can always mention that it's your way of coping - if they know you're autistic you can maybe add you're comfortable unmasking around them for short periods of time

Hi Lemon, slice and welcome.

I think the most helpful thing to say is that removing some of that masking will take time, so it needs to be done step by step. You can’t do it all in one day. You’re still your authentic self, but the challenge is letting others see your true self. You can certainly do that here.