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High masking self v Authentic autistic self

Lemon slice

Does anyone else who's high masking feel like there's such a massive gap between the external presentation of self to others and the internal self. Even with those closest to me. 

It feels like the bigger that gap has been, the harder the crash during burnout. It feels like there's further to go for me to get my true authentic autistic self. 

I was self diagnosed for 9 months before got official diagnosis. I went for this mainly because I was so good at masking (which I'd just found out about) that I didn't think anyone would believe me that I'm autistic!

I suppose I'm now in the period of shortening that gap!

Parents

  • Hi, 

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this. 

    You're not alone in this. This is very common and normal for us. We feel such pressure to conform to some imposed idea which people want us to live by that we 'act' it out- and because it isn't authentic, that's where the exhaustion comes from. The further it is from our authentic selves, the higher the pressure on ourselves. 

    But there's no written rule anywhere which says you have to be like this. You just have to be you. And those who genuinely care about you, will accept you for who you are. 

    There's a saying, "The cost of everyone else's happiness is your own happiness"

    Unfortunately, some people will get angry if you don't conform to some idea. 

    Others will tell you "You matter. Don't hide. I'm here for you"

    Nobody, for example, knows what I am genuinely like with all my walls down- nobody but my ex-girlfriend. Almost nobody in my university knew who I was, and nobody has seen or spoken to me for months now from there. I was also burnt out. It is exhausting. I was mistaken for a Terminator-like person for months and went undiagnosed for about 6 years since the first suspicion started. Those 6 years were bloody exhausting. 

    You don't have to hide. You can just be yourself and the version of you which you want to be. 

Reply

  • Hi, 

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this. 

    You're not alone in this. This is very common and normal for us. We feel such pressure to conform to some imposed idea which people want us to live by that we 'act' it out- and because it isn't authentic, that's where the exhaustion comes from. The further it is from our authentic selves, the higher the pressure on ourselves. 

    But there's no written rule anywhere which says you have to be like this. You just have to be you. And those who genuinely care about you, will accept you for who you are. 

    There's a saying, "The cost of everyone else's happiness is your own happiness"

    Unfortunately, some people will get angry if you don't conform to some idea. 

    Others will tell you "You matter. Don't hide. I'm here for you"

    Nobody, for example, knows what I am genuinely like with all my walls down- nobody but my ex-girlfriend. Almost nobody in my university knew who I was, and nobody has seen or spoken to me for months now from there. I was also burnt out. It is exhausting. I was mistaken for a Terminator-like person for months and went undiagnosed for about 6 years since the first suspicion started. Those 6 years were bloody exhausting. 

    You don't have to hide. You can just be yourself and the version of you which you want to be. 

Children
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