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High masking self v Authentic autistic self

Lemon slice

Does anyone else who's high masking feel like there's such a massive gap between the external presentation of self to others and the internal self. Even with those closest to me. 

It feels like the bigger that gap has been, the harder the crash during burnout. It feels like there's further to go for me to get my true authentic autistic self. 

I was self diagnosed for 9 months before got official diagnosis. I went for this mainly because I was so good at masking (which I'd just found out about) that I didn't think anyone would believe me that I'm autistic!

I suppose I'm now in the period of shortening that gap!

Parents

  • I was diagnosed roughly 2 1/2 years ago, I realised then that I had spent the majority of my adult life (Im now 68) masking. It was intermittent though, there were gaps when I was truly myself but then overwhelmed by the NT world I retreated again. I was convincing masked but it resulted in huge amounts of unresolved abuse being internalised. It was definitely a safety mechanism in the world of work. Now knowing my full real self and retired I barely ever mask. This sounds great and internally it is but Im getting into frequent scrapes of misunderstanding, confusion and disconnect with most of the rest of the world, I feel alienated from our family and friends with humour extremely difficult.

    My gp is great but getting appropriate therapy for the c-ptsd is literally impossible. 

    I wouldn’t change anything though even the diagnosis brought as many problems as it lights it lit. 

    AnA

  • in reply to Alice-nice-Alice

    It must be a huge transition to go from putting on that mask every day to cope with work demands to suddenly not needing it anymore. Now you can be your real self, but the problem is that people you know still expect the old version of you, which you’ve left behind, and they feel puzzled by the different person they now see in various ways.

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  • in reply to Alice-nice-Alice

    It must be a huge transition to go from putting on that mask every day to cope with work demands to suddenly not needing it anymore. Now you can be your real self, but the problem is that people you know still expect the old version of you, which you’ve left behind, and they feel puzzled by the different person they now see in various ways.

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