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My 47Y/O Female wife

NAS73364

Just wondered as I feel so lost currently, in my home I have 3 sons 20/19/14 all are Autistic/ADHD but 20YO not had formal diagnosis. Around 11 years ago when my 19 YO was diagnosed I started to see similarities in my wife’s behaviour, I brought this up with GP as she was always a bit insecure and nervous and struggled a little with illness, when Covid hit and she started Perimenopause she became fixated on illness, she’d been put on antidepressants 20 years ago but suddenly she was blaming everything on side effects of different tablets and withdrawals.

What is especially difficult as she was diagnosed ASD/ADHD 6 months ago and for 5 years it’s been spells shutdown in bed, she has got to be in control so chooses her own medication, orders antibiotics because she believes she is ill, stockpiling them next to her bed. She threatens to end herself if I don’t listen, Police got called by our kids scared of her meltdown and they said it was coercive control but I didn’t press charges as she’s not doing it on purpose. Sorry if this is too long but GP’s and Psychiatrist will only listen to her and I’m exhausted.

Parents

  • Firstly, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. 

    I have to say, if the gender roles were reversed, what would I be telling someone in a coercive relationship? I think if you ask yourself this, I think it would help.

    Secondly it sounds like it's severely effecting your children's wellbeing. This should take presidance. If they are living in fear, it is not good for their mental wellbeing either. 

    You can tell your wife she needs to get help. Maybe write it in a letter so she has time to process the words. But if she refuses, you should think about speaking to CAB, see what help you can get if you need to leave and work out a plan to leave with your kids. Them all being AuDHD must be difficult as they need routine. It is tricky as there are shelters but mainly for women in this position. With your medical conditions, it must be making it even harder. Your wife is having a really hard time and it is amazing you want to help her get into a better mental state, but you need to think of what's best for everyone. 

    Fingers crossed she listens.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    If I try to end it she says things like she’ll tell everyone what I’m like, not the true version where I spend all day doing housework and trying to help her but a false representation where she’s misunderstood or has not 

    listened so fills in the blanks, she had trauma as a child apparently but this came out when I tried to end the marriage and she gave loads of info to some weirdo on TikTok who pretended to her to be a counsellor and somehow managed to get her to do stuff. I try to keep her safe from online but I can’t stop her, she even scratched herself silly while anxious, gp questioned her if she wanted to ‘speak to her while I left the room’ and did she feel safe, she just shut down and said nothing.

Reply
  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    If I try to end it she says things like she’ll tell everyone what I’m like, not the true version where I spend all day doing housework and trying to help her but a false representation where she’s misunderstood or has not 

    listened so fills in the blanks, she had trauma as a child apparently but this came out when I tried to end the marriage and she gave loads of info to some weirdo on TikTok who pretended to her to be a counsellor and somehow managed to get her to do stuff. I try to keep her safe from online but I can’t stop her, she even scratched herself silly while anxious, gp questioned her if she wanted to ‘speak to her while I left the room’ and did she feel safe, she just shut down and said nothing.

Children
  • in reply to InterTrails

    My eldest is 20 not 10, we tiptoe round and I leave her now because it’s not worth it

  • in reply to InterTrails

    it might be something just simple you didn’t know about before because she didn’t have a diagnosis like pre planning for going out or seeing the relatives or not have 50 people in the house unannounced but these things are difficult to talk about until you realise that these are things that overwhelm you 

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Wow I think that’s terrible advice sorry…. As someone who has been through a few suicides whatever way she is trying to reach out to you she’s trying to reach out. She’s clearly got some mental health concerns she needs help with and let’s not forget your oldest child is 10 years old so the fact she’s had issues for 5 years is not that long and maybe you need to find away to get her to communicate. With autism and ASD often it’s difficult to know how you feel and if people keep forcing you into hard situations it doesn’t help your mind relax and get better it only makes the problem worse. Let her stay in bed. Give her some time and space and then ask her to think over and write down how you think you can over come these problems or what she even thinks they are even the smallest things 

  • in reply to NAS73364

    This is just a person on the internet, but it's sound like you really need to get out of that relationship, I'm so sorry but it sounds toxic. Speak to CAB? See if they can help you leave with the kids. I think they're are more refugees for women fleeing abusive relationships, but there must be some help for fathers too? 

    I don't know if anyone has better ideas? But autism isn't an excuse for what she's doing.