My husband refuses to believe he has adhd/autism!!! Life is he'll sometimes

Yeh i have been very patient for years now and I think this is why im even on this forum because the commication has stopped and he doesn't think he need professional help so I am stuck. 

I agree with this. Red flags of controlling behaviour were coming up all over the place as I read the post. The only thing I'd add to that none of this is your fault! You have been trying (very hard) to find a solution. Please gain strength and confidence from that. 

Maybe have some relationship counselling, tell him you're going and he can come if he wants, at least you will get some support and help with what ever you decided to do.

Yeah it’s really difficult being shut out for no reason it took me a long time and a good friend to figure it out in the end we figured out that he just doesn’t care but doesn’t want to move on either or put the effort in to rebuild but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like that. It was quite bad for me as I had a group of people bullying me on the outside too 

I know this feeling 

Ive got ASD and me and my wife really struggled, there are still struggles but communication between us and working together was a major part of us moving forward. Also me realising there was a problem with me and seeking proffessional help also helped loads. I tell her everything now and involve her when i seek proffession help. Communicatiin help her understand more and helped her with patience and understanding and being supportive of my issues. We still have struggles but wothout communication we wouldnt have moved forward. Try and be patient for as long as you can and try and get your husband to seek proffessional help 

Im forced to think of myself to be honest. Its sad to know that most relationships brk up due to lack of communication 

Yeh im stuck of he doesn't want to talk at all. It does make me feel emotional unsafe as I never know what the day is gonna bring. Will he be moody or will he talk to me today. I honestly do not know what to do and separation might have to be the wat forward if he doesn't take this seriously

This doesn't sound very healthy.

I can partly relate. My old partner triggered my nervous system. I fawned, masked, did caretaking and over functioned. I managed my partner's emotions. I didn't realise it. It was dysfunctional. I didn't have enough/any boundaries 

She didn't notice. Simple things like love language were wrong, triggering her fears over abandonment. This caused my nervous system to be even more active, stopping me sleeping. I also drank a bit as it was the only thing that relaxed me.

The made me very stubborn at times. But I could always talk and never shut her out. I was just walking on eggshells to not say the wrong thing.

But at the end it caused me to burnout (there is is more to this story but I'm not putting it here).

When this came I couldn't speak at all if there was any pressure. I remember it, I had thoughts but I couldn't say anything, my mouth would not move.

I could still function at work, because it was lower pressure, but home was just too much stress after a long day and a long, not entirely safe, commute. I'd walk in to the do the cooking and manage all her problems. I felt I was looking after 2, when I could barely look after myself.

I had a breakdown in the end, slept on my own and left as it was fight or flight. I couldn't negotiate, I was timid and broken. I couldn't explain. I couldn't figure out what was happening.

She suggested autism but this was 30 years when it was even more of a problem and little was known. I refused to consider it. I thought she was blaming me for everything. Going defensive is part of seeing only threats as dysfunctional thinking sets in when overloaded. I also refused to go to counselling with her as I could couldn't see what we needed it (something I have not understood for decades).

I thought she was doing something to me. A counsellor had told me she was bad for me, not knowing about autism. It is not obvious either when I am regulated.

Anyway, I just mention all this as information about how messed up you can get and what the partner may not see. 

The only solution is talk. This is hard if conflict causes shutdown.

You could try writing things down. You could propose counselling, so you can talk it through. If he won't engage you are stuck. You will have to judge if he is close to overload and burnout. 

Masking is energy intensive. I can be sustained for years if needed, but additional stress, like crashing a car in my case, household problems, relationship issues, can tip you over the edge.

If you cannot get through you then need to think of yourself, or maybe separate rooms or temporary separation to see if he can then get regulated and to make it clear it is serious.

(I have only figured all my story out recently. It left me traumatised.)

I think you probably just need to do what you feel is right or best for yourself - and assume he may not change

Relationships break down - whether partners are ND or not - so perhaps think that way rather than perhaps seemingly attributing this  all to suspected autism

Gosh - a few days into 2026 and so many negative posts about Autism on this forum.  

He maybe trying to regulate his emotions, by dumping them onto you, this emotional labour isn't something that just happens with ND people, women do far more emotional labour than men in many relationships.

Yeah this is where I got up to before I had to call it a day as I couldn’t take it any longer 

Yeh i have come to realise that things may not change so im doing all I can to look after my mental health. The more im out the house doing activities i want to do, the better. Im just so sick of dealing with the mood swings and no communication. If he was able to communication with me, things would be better but the silence everyday and not answering my questions when I do actually have something to say, yeh I just cant be bothered anymore. Its wearing me down and I refuse to allow his negativity to make me ill. Sad to say but I really need to look after myself I think

Yeah that didn’t work for me…. I asked to go to relationship counselling so somebody sensible could bridge the understanding but he’s not interested it’s still only his way or no way 

Yeh his siblings keep telling me this is another sign. Hes trying to regulate his feelings

Yeh, im still learning of ways to deal with him but also calling him out when hes being nasty to me for no reason 

Yeh your right, thank you for your comment, I appreciate all of them

Yeh is sibling said its him trying to regulate his feelings but also seems to cross over into abuse. If there is no communication, in stuck with even helping him out too. He was definitely masking when I first met him

I agree, there’s only so much you can do and exhaust yourself if he wont work with you or listen to anything. Getting a diagnosis or not won’t stop him from being controlling  

I'm not sure if this is going to be helpful or not, but he sounds very controlling and autism isn't an excuse, it maybe the reason he's the way  he is, but it dosen't make it right. I think there are some questions you need to ask yourself, like would you put up with this sort of behaviour from a neurotypical partner?

I think you should start to think about life without him, his unwillingness to consider you and your needs and shutting you out isn't a relationship, it's abuse, a relationship is two people relating, abuse is one person dominating the other to the point where they become ill and are walking on egg shells all the time. Whether your partner is autistic or not does not give him the right to treat you like this.

Another thing to consider is, if he did get a diagnosis then what? There's no treatment for autism and a diagnosis may give him an excuse to behave even worse towards you and his diagnosis could become a flag to bully you with. It's not a nice thing to think about, but autistic people can be bullying, nasty, manipulative and agressive, just like our neurotypical cousins.

I really wish you well with whatever you decide to do and I know from experience what it's like to live with someone like this.