My husband refuses to believe he has adhd/autism!!! Life is he'll sometimes

I agree, there’s only so much you can do and exhaust yourself if he wont work with you or listen to anything. Getting a diagnosis or not won’t stop him from being controlling  

I'm not sure if this is going to be helpful or not, but he sounds very controlling and autism isn't an excuse, it maybe the reason he's the way  he is, but it dosen't make it right. I think there are some questions you need to ask yourself, like would you put up with this sort of behaviour from a neurotypical partner?

I think you should start to think about life without him, his unwillingness to consider you and your needs and shutting you out isn't a relationship, it's abuse, a relationship is two people relating, abuse is one person dominating the other to the point where they become ill and are walking on egg shells all the time. Whether your partner is autistic or not does not give him the right to treat you like this.

Another thing to consider is, if he did get a diagnosis then what? There's no treatment for autism and a diagnosis may give him an excuse to behave even worse towards you and his diagnosis could become a flag to bully you with. It's not a nice thing to think about, but autistic people can be bullying, nasty, manipulative and agressive, just like our neurotypical cousins.

I really wish you well with whatever you decide to do and I know from experience what it's like to live with someone like this.

if he’s been on hospital then he may be looking for low pressure environment over social interaction etc. Computer games are good for people with ADHD and Autism as it takes you out of your social awkward zones stops your mind overthinking and looping about your problems which causes burnout but allows you to still use your mind energy in a more positive way. After he’s had some time on his computer you might find he will start coming back to life and engaging slowly but try to keep your mind open about that and ask him what he wants to do. Games can serve as a safe escape from an overwhelming world, helping individuals to relax, manage anxiety, and process frustrations in a controlled setting

I know what this feels like I’ve been shut out for a long time for not having things go his way it was a repeated cycle but it wasn’t I’m having a bit of space or quite time. It was cold hard control. I tried for such a long time to talk about things and understand different perspectives but in the end i realised the only person doing any understanding was me but I never wanted to give up on him because I could see how it would end up. He was also a person who projected their opinion at you so based on what you were doing he would second guess your reason even though it wasn’t true and wouldn’t listen to anything that would cause me concern or give me any advice just tell me I was wrong at the expense of my mental health and to make other external people happy. He’s entirely somewhere else on the spectrum than me but many of our friends think he isn’t autistic even though I’m fairly certain of it.

There’s not a lot you can do if he’s not willing to talk or understand and work on things….  

Maybe try and tackle it from a different angle for older people they don’t always want to acknowledge mental health and neurodiversity it’s very much more a recent acceptance now that we are breaking down stigmas. With more awareness I think it is starting to make people feel more positive and inclusive but if you’re partner is someone from an old sociological view point then it might be difficult to get him to soften to that idea especially if you don’t approach it from a softer place

He has recently been in hospital and all he has done coming back from the hospital is spend all his time on his computer. Doesn't sleep properly so advising him he needs more rest, especially in recovery stage, im just being ignored 

NAS82939 said:

does not listen to my advice?

What is your advice?