My husband refuses to believe he has adhd/autism!!! Life is he'll sometimes

This doesn't sound very healthy.

I can partly relate. My old partner triggered my nervous system. I fawned, masked, did caretaking and over functioned. I managed my partner's emotions. I didn't realise it. It was dysfunctional. I didn't have enough/any boundaries 

She didn't notice. Simple things like love language were wrong, triggering her fears over abandonment. This caused my nervous system to be even more active, stopping me sleeping. I also drank a bit as it was the only thing that relaxed me.

The made me very stubborn at times. But I could always talk and never shut her out. I was just walking on eggshells to not say the wrong thing.

But at the end it caused me to burnout (there is is more to this story but I'm not putting it here).

When this came I couldn't speak at all if there was any pressure. I remember it, I had thoughts but I couldn't say anything, my mouth would not move.

I could still function at work, because it was lower pressure, but home was just too much stress after a long day and a long, not entirely safe, commute. I'd walk in to the do the cooking and manage all her problems. I felt I was looking after 2, when I could barely look after myself.

I had a breakdown in the end, slept on my own and left as it was fight or flight. I couldn't negotiate, I was timid and broken. I couldn't explain. I couldn't figure out what was happening.

She suggested autism but this was 30 years when it was even more of a problem and little was known. I refused to consider it. I thought she was blaming me for everything. Going defensive is part of seeing only threats as dysfunctional thinking sets in when overloaded. I also refused to go to counselling with her as I could couldn't see what we needed it (something I have not understood for decades).

I thought she was doing something to me. A counsellor had told me she was bad for me, not knowing about autism. It is not obvious either when I am regulated.

Anyway, I just mention all this as information about how messed up you can get and what the partner may not see. 

The only solution is talk. This is hard if conflict causes shutdown.

You could try writing things down. You could propose counselling, so you can talk it through. If he won't engage you are stuck. You will have to judge if he is close to overload and burnout. 

Masking is energy intensive. I can be sustained for years if needed, but additional stress, like crashing a car in my case, household problems, relationship issues, can tip you over the edge.

If you cannot get through you then need to think of yourself, or maybe separate rooms or temporary separation to see if he can then get regulated and to make it clear it is serious.

(I have only figured all my story out recently. It left me traumatised.)

Yeh im stuck of he doesn't want to talk at all. It does make me feel emotional unsafe as I never know what the day is gonna bring. Will he be moody or will he talk to me today. I honestly do not know what to do and separation might have to be the wat forward if he doesn't take this seriously

Maybe have some relationship counselling, tell him you're going and he can come if he wants, at least you will get some support and help with what ever you decided to do.

Maybe have some relationship counselling, tell him you're going and he can come if he wants, at least you will get some support and help with what ever you decided to do.