Hi,
I'm new here. I was fairly recently diagnosed with Autism and adhd. I have struggled for over a decade with suicidal ideation, bad mental health on and off. I have been in a state of what I think is severe burnout for the past year and a half.
I am just about able to do my 4 shifts a week at work (sometimes not). Apart from that I can't do anything else. I feel disgusting, like a waste of space. I can't bare being here anymore. How long do you keep holding on for nothing to change?
I have been in some really low places over the years. I am very newly diagnosed and looking back I think what I thought was severe depression/breakdowns was autistic burnout and shutdowns. I went through a couple of years of SI, I self-harmed on and off, and once impulsively took a handful of tablets and would have taken more if my baby hadn't cried and snapped me back to reality. During these times I couldn't see the end in sight. I never saw it getting better. I am still recovering from my last episode of burnout and I still have fleeting thoughts about whether I would be better off out of it now and then, but things are improving. I did CBT years ago and thought it was rubbish and didn't help, but in the last year I did High Intensity CBT and whilst it wasn't a magic fix, I think it helped to speak to someone who really listened for once and gave very useful tools and insights. Obviously it's not for everyone and it's luck to find someone who is really good at what they do, but it helped me this time. I guess my point is, things might seem bleak and like things won't change, but sometimes it happens when you're not expecting it. And being kind to yourself, accepting your limitations and taking the time out to look after yourself can help massively. Maybe not instantaneously, but over time. Listen to your body and let yourself rest and recover. You can take on more when you're ready.
At its root I think these thoughts are driven by something people can't face, accept or let go. Shame or guilt are big contributors as they hold people back, prevent discussion and are often misplaced or wrong. Blame can also be assumed incorrectly where situations are more complicated or confusing.
Burnout distorts thoughts and priorities in ways you can't see while you are in it, which is why getting regulated and balanced is important, as I put in the other post. Sleep is the biggest thing.
Relationships can alse create strain which is an additional, and perhaps unpredictable, additional load. It depends.
Is it burnout, depression or both? Is it grief?
Do you think you've failed? Have you let yourself or someone else down? Are you expecting perfection (hence trying to get 1st)? Were you trying to prove something or hoping to be loved or respected? Were you doing your course for yourself or for others?
Give yourself permission to fail. You don't have to be perfect. Allow yourself to feel, cry, be angry, etc.
What if you're enough, just as you are?
You don't feel in control, you are using food as something you can control I think.
What is it you want to change? What are you hiding from? What are you putting yourself under pressure with?
Have you considered speaking to someone? (Or speaking to AI and seeing what it says?) You can get stuck thinking you know the answer or analysing yourself, do you need a second opinion?
Hi Abigail To take your question literally.
"How long do you keep holding on for nothing to change?" Being a right old pedant - I don't think I do - change is kindoff always happening.
However if I stop being a pr@ and answer what I think your question is about.
I've had SI on and off since adolescence and I'm now 63. There is I feel a limit to how much one feels one can take.
In the past I responded to these thoughts as if a metaphor and "killed off the old me" with a sort of rebranding that on reflection I was creating another mask to wear.
After diagnosis (3 years ago) I have gradually been able to come around to getting a hang on an "authentic" me however I still find flash backs and triggers that push my panic and "is it all worth it" buttons.
This'll come as maybe mean advice 'cos I do know just how empty the tank can get. Anyway - it'll change when you want it enough and are ready enough for it.
Meanwhile your efforts in this direction aren't wasted as they are "priming the pump" and things start to drop into place a bit eventually based on my personal experience.
One doesn't need a degree in psychology to appreciate how experiences can shape one's perception of oneself.
My work, like yours, has mostly been about helping others - probably to get a sense of self-worth that for some reason I was missing.
I kind off got to the point eventually of making it my work to help myself and make at least a part time job out of that.
You will no doubt find plenty of advice and schemes for how to do that and eventually... I haven't got a crystal ball that says when tho' Sorry :-(
Meanwhile you deserve to be happy and live a fulfilling life - just saying :-)
Best Wishes
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it. And I'm really sorry that you have had similar experiences. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Those are helpful recommendations and I will take note of those that may be of help to me.
Just for some further context.
I grew up in a large family. I have 10 siblings and we are all to the same parents. We were always a very close family. No matter what else happened, I knew I had them. Despite this, I did grow up feeling like my mum absolutely despised me. I remember telling her more than once as a child how she hated me. And I compared myself alot to my sibling, who everyone favoured. (I was the moody, apparently selfish, weak one).
I am 28 now. I decided in 2021 to start my degree in psychology. Psychology is one of my special interests and has been for over a decade. Really I began the degree to prove to myself that I wasn't stupid or unintelligent. First 2 and a half years I thrived. I loved it. I was on track to come out with a 1st. Then the second half of my final year, I started to crumble.
My parents split after being married 43 years. And my paternal grandfather was imprisoned for sexually abusing 4 of my sisters when they were children. My family dynamic that once was is non existent. I have still not completed my degree. I have until April 2026 to finish off my dissertation and 2 other assignments (BUT NOTHING WILL MAKE ME FACE THEM). Previously I would work on my assignments for hours, days, weeks and they would be handed in weeks or a month early. Now I can't bear to think about it.
I am currently in a vicious cycle of binge eating to try make myself happy, then restricting and exercising. (I have struggling with anorexia which then developed into bulimia, since I was 17). It's an absolute *** show lol.
Work is great because I get so put on my mask and pretend I'm not me. I am a rehabilitation support worker in brain injury service and I care so deeply about all of those I work with. Trouble is, on my days off I can't get out of bed, get changed or brush my teeth. Usually until my partner gets home from work and the shame tends to slowly send me into action.
So sorry for all of this offloading. I dont really speak to anyone
I've thought about it for the last 45 years. More as a fantasy than as a real intention. I dreamt about dying a few times, you always wake up. Only 3 times was it serious and only once did I pick the time, place and method. I have never said that before. If I told the therapists they'd just get worried.
It's about needing options, of feeling trapped, needing an escape and a feeling you are in control. You don't really want to do it. An easy way to tell is, if you won £50m on Euro millions tomorrow, would you still want to do it? Normally the answer is no, you'd buy a nice house, get help, travel, stop work, have fun, have a different life, etc. So the issue is feeling stuck.
I didn't realise I was burnt out because I could work, because it gets prioritised as security requires money, and not having money is even more stress. I couldn't do anything else and my mood was poor, but wine helps that, till it doesn't.
Reframing the past post diagnosis can be hard. I've cried every day this year as I processed various trauna and dealt with a lot of grief. But I am close to being done now. Stress brings it on.
A few things need to happen for you.
That's enough for now.
Be careful about diving into the past. You can re-traumatize yourself. I did and it is not great.
Recognise that while you think you may be super logical, in burn out the priorities and perspectives are all skewed. You can miss important facts.
You also can struggle because chronic stress means lizard brain is in charge, fight or flight, so proper thinking is compromised.
Good luck. Be kind to yourself.
Hi abigail.
I have struggled most of my life with this too (i have a diagnosis of bipolar but 2 of my 4 children have an autism diagnosis and the other 2 probably need one so I think misdiagnosed given what I now know...sorry I waffle)
I discovered yoga and meditation, put simply. It didnt help overnight but over a pefiod of time and practise I learned a lot.
The western world is not designed to let us rest. Always have to be productive, achieving, on to the next thing and so on. Capitalism eh.
I guess I learned during this process of learning yoga and meditation what it actually feels like to relax instead of stress being the default setting. I was so stressed for so long it was just normal. Now I learned how to relax I can tell when I am stressed. (I breathe wrong, clench jaw, shoulders warm my ears lol)
Because I have this skill I now know when to take a step back before I fall over...and I know how to sit still and just be...mostly. far from perfect enlightenment.
Nothing will change unless I make it change. Life is a crazy hamster wheel until you actively step off it. I cant quit work so I had to learn how to handle myself whilst working - yoga was the start point. It was NOT easy at first. It didnt come naturally. I persevered.
Sitting meditation was awful at first. Sitting still with a 100 miles an hour mind and no distraction? All kinds of nope. Now I can
Yoga nidra is a recent discovery. Its almost like a guided meditation but body focused. Every one I have done so far has been laying down.
I think these things are well worth looking at. They are not a magic cure but they afford a little breathing space and I think healing x
Good afternoon from America, Abigail.
As Sharon Mod said, you are not alone here. I have also struggled with SI for a long time and had a particularly nasty bout of it this past spring. Basically on top of already loathing myself I had the chaos of moving to a new state and starting a very new job at the same time. It got bad enough that I had to call an emergency hotline to get myself into a better headspace.
I’m safe right now, though I am worried because I often have seasonal depression in winter, so we’ll see if things keep up in the next few months.
What has helped me to get through is knowing how much people rely on me. My kids and wife rely on me, of course, but so does my friends, my clients at work, my coworkers, my neighbors, my community, and - given the current political climate - my country. It can be overwhelming to know that so many people - even those that don’t know you - are counting on you, but for me it fuels my desire to live.
Half a year ago I was in the mindset of “I am a hindrance to everyone around me,” but I’ve managed to gradually change that thinking to “Everyone around me needs me to do my best effort.” It’s not easy, but it is possible to do.
I hope that might help. It’s not often that I ever talk about my experiences with SI.
P.S. Having a hobby helps, too. I think getting back into writing music saved me as well.
Hello Abigail
You're very welcome to the Online Community. You'll find that you're not alone here and that others have been through the same kind of struggles as you.
I'm so sorry to read that you think you've been in severe burnout for a year and you've struggled with suicidal ideation and bad mental health for a full decade. I'm so sorry- that must exhausting. It's no wonder you struggle to do your shifts at work- it's really impressive that you manage 4 shifts some weeks. Please know- you are not a waste of space.
I want to be sure that you have some urgent help information easily available.
The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you are at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help.
You could call your GP and ask for an urgent appointment – they can help you get the right support.
If it’s not an emergency but you’re still struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.
Here are some other organisations that offer free, confidential support:
We've some information on our website that might be helpful: Autistic fatigue - a guide for autistic adults.
You’re not alone. Online Community users are thoughtful and supportive and really care about you.
I hope this is helpful.
Sharon Mod
