Trigger warning- mental health and SI

I've thought about it for the last 45 years. More as a fantasy than as a real intention. I dreamt about dying a few times, you always wake up. Only 3 times was it serious and only once did I pick the time, place and method. I have never said that before. If I told the therapists they'd just get worried.

It's about needing options, of feeling trapped, needing an escape and a feeling you are in control. You don't really want to do it. An easy way to tell is, if you won £50m on Euro millions tomorrow, would you still want to do it? Normally the answer is no, you'd buy a nice house, get help, travel, stop work, have fun, have a different life, etc. So the issue is feeling stuck.

I didn't realise I was burnt out because I could work, because it gets prioritised as security requires money, and not having money is even more stress. I couldn't do anything else and my mood was poor, but wine helps that, till it doesn't.

Reframing the past post diagnosis can be hard. I've cried every day this year as I processed various trauna and dealt with a lot of grief. But I am close to being done now. Stress brings it on.

A few things need to happen for you.

1. Stop blaming yourself.
2. Stop taking everything so seriously.
3. Tell yourself you're doing well, as well as you can. Pat yourself on the back. You are coping with a lot. You aren't weak, you're strong.
4. Talk, tell someone your fears, or at least write them down. Don't have some mushy vague stuff sloshing about in your head, get it formed into proper thoughts. Own it.
5. Write down a list of all the things you have done or achieved. It's not nothing.
6. Rest, don't feel guilty about just lying down, closing your eyes, having some music and doing nothing. For the whole weekend.
7. Take a day off. Break the routine.
8. My make sure you sleep. Try to get a routine, go to bed and get up at the same time. Don't worry about sleeping just resting us enough. Notice if you dream or wake up a lot.
9. Try to eat properly. Cut down on carbs.
10. Make sure you are drinking drinking enough.
11. Avoid alcohol and caffeine, and nicotine if possible.
12. You need to get your nervous system level again. It takes months, but it will come.
13. Have some light exercise. Go for a walk at lunch, or morning or evening. Move a bit.
14. Find an interest of some sort, which is hard if you are depressed.
15. Challenge negative thoughts. Think about where they come from, if they are true. Where's the evidence. Write it down. Is it convincing?
16. Recognise you have patterns. There are times when things are better and when they are worse. Write down how you feel as often as you want and you will see them. Once you know this, when you are down you will know it will pass.
17. If needed, find a therapist, counsellor, help.
18. What do you want to change? Seriously. How could you get there, think of baby steps, you don't have to plan it all, or even know how to get there. Who could help start it.
19. Find some you can control, tidy a room, sort the garden, make a model, do a painting, etc.
20. Find something to look forward to.

That's enough for now.

Be careful about diving into the past. You can re-traumatize yourself. I did and it is not great.

Recognise that while you think you may be super logical, in burn out the priorities and perspectives are all skewed. You can miss important facts.

You also can struggle because chronic stress means lizard brain is in charge, fight or flight,  so proper thinking is compromised.

Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

I've thought about it for the last 45 years. More as a fantasy than as a real intention. I dreamt about dying a few times, you always wake up. Only 3 times was it serious and only once did I pick the time, place and method. I have never said that before. If I told the therapists they'd just get worried.

It's about needing options, of feeling trapped, needing an escape and a feeling you are in control. You don't really want to do it. An easy way to tell is, if you won £50m on Euro millions tomorrow, would you still want to do it? Normally the answer is no, you'd buy a nice house, get help, travel, stop work, have fun, have a different life, etc. So the issue is feeling stuck.

I didn't realise I was burnt out because I could work, because it gets prioritised as security requires money, and not having money is even more stress. I couldn't do anything else and my mood was poor, but wine helps that, till it doesn't.

Reframing the past post diagnosis can be hard. I've cried every day this year as I processed various trauna and dealt with a lot of grief. But I am close to being done now. Stress brings it on.

A few things need to happen for you.

1. Stop blaming yourself.
2. Stop taking everything so seriously.
3. Tell yourself you're doing well, as well as you can. Pat yourself on the back. You are coping with a lot. You aren't weak, you're strong.
4. Talk, tell someone your fears, or at least write them down. Don't have some mushy vague stuff sloshing about in your head, get it formed into proper thoughts. Own it.
5. Write down a list of all the things you have done or achieved. It's not nothing.
6. Rest, don't feel guilty about just lying down, closing your eyes, having some music and doing nothing. For the whole weekend.
7. Take a day off. Break the routine.
8. My make sure you sleep. Try to get a routine, go to bed and get up at the same time. Don't worry about sleeping just resting us enough. Notice if you dream or wake up a lot.
9. Try to eat properly. Cut down on carbs.
10. Make sure you are drinking drinking enough.
11. Avoid alcohol and caffeine, and nicotine if possible.
12. You need to get your nervous system level again. It takes months, but it will come.
13. Have some light exercise. Go for a walk at lunch, or morning or evening. Move a bit.
14. Find an interest of some sort, which is hard if you are depressed.
15. Challenge negative thoughts. Think about where they come from, if they are true. Where's the evidence. Write it down. Is it convincing?
16. Recognise you have patterns. There are times when things are better and when they are worse. Write down how you feel as often as you want and you will see them. Once you know this, when you are down you will know it will pass.
17. If needed, find a therapist, counsellor, help.
18. What do you want to change? Seriously. How could you get there, think of baby steps, you don't have to plan it all, or even know how to get there. Who could help start it.
19. Find some you can control, tidy a room, sort the garden, make a model, do a painting, etc.
20. Find something to look forward to.

That's enough for now.

Be careful about diving into the past. You can re-traumatize yourself. I did and it is not great.

Recognise that while you think you may be super logical, in burn out the priorities and perspectives are all skewed. You can miss important facts.

You also can struggle because chronic stress means lizard brain is in charge, fight or flight,  so proper thinking is compromised.

Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it. And I'm really sorry that you have had similar experiences. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

Those are helpful recommendations and I will take note of those that may be of help to me. 

Just for some further context. 

I grew up in a large family. I have 10 siblings and we are all to the same parents. We were always a very close family. No matter what else happened, I knew I had them. Despite this, I did grow up feeling like my mum absolutely despised me. I remember telling her more than once as a child how she hated me. And I compared myself alot to my sibling, who everyone favoured. (I was the moody, apparently selfish, weak one). 

I am 28 now. I decided in 2021 to start my degree in psychology. Psychology is one of my special interests and has been for over a decade. Really I began the degree to prove to myself that I wasn't stupid or unintelligent. First 2 and a half years I thrived. I loved it. I was on track to come out with a 1st. Then the second half of my final year, I started to crumble. 

My parents split after being married 43 years. And my paternal grandfather was imprisoned for sexually abusing 4 of my sisters when they were children. My family dynamic that once was is non existent. I have still not completed my degree. I have until April 2026 to finish off my dissertation and 2 other assignments (BUT NOTHING WILL MAKE ME FACE THEM). Previously I would work on my assignments for hours, days, weeks and they would be handed in weeks or a month early. Now I can't bear to think about it. 

I am currently in a vicious cycle of binge eating to try make myself happy, then restricting and exercising. (I have struggling with anorexia which then developed into bulimia, since I was 17). It's an absolute *** show lol. 

Work is great because I get so put on my mask and pretend I'm not me. I am a rehabilitation support worker in brain injury service and I care so deeply about all of those I work with. Trouble is, on my days off I can't get out of bed, get changed or brush my teeth. Usually until my partner gets home from work and the shame tends to slowly send me into action. 

So sorry for all of this offloading. I dont really speak to anyone