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Trigger warning- mental health and SI

Abigail

Hi, 

I'm new here. I was fairly recently diagnosed with Autism and adhd. I have struggled for over a decade with suicidal ideation, bad mental health on and off. I have been in a state of what I think is severe burnout for the past year and a half.

I am just about able to do my 4 shifts a week at work (sometimes not). Apart from that I can't do anything else. I feel disgusting, like a waste of space. I can't bare being here anymore. How long do you keep holding on for nothing to change?

Parents

  • Good afternoon from America, Abigail.

    As Sharon Mod said, you are not alone here. I have also struggled with SI for a long time and had a particularly nasty bout of it this past spring. Basically on top of already loathing myself I had the chaos of moving to a new state and starting a very new job at the same time. It got bad enough that I had to call an emergency hotline to get myself into a better headspace.

    I’m safe right now, though I am worried because I often have seasonal depression in winter, so we’ll see if things keep up in the next few months.

    What has helped me to get through is knowing how much people rely on me. My kids and wife rely on me, of course, but so does my friends, my clients at work, my coworkers, my neighbors, my community, and - given the current political climate - my country. It can be overwhelming to know that so many people - even those that don’t know you - are counting on you, but for me it fuels my desire to live.

    Half a year ago I was in the mindset of “I am a hindrance to everyone around me,” but I’ve managed to gradually change that thinking to “Everyone around me needs me to do my best effort.” It’s not easy, but it is possible to do.

    I hope that might help. It’s not often that I ever talk about my experiences with SI.

    P.S. Having a hobby helps, too. I think getting back into writing music saved me as well.

Reply

  • Good afternoon from America, Abigail.

    As Sharon Mod said, you are not alone here. I have also struggled with SI for a long time and had a particularly nasty bout of it this past spring. Basically on top of already loathing myself I had the chaos of moving to a new state and starting a very new job at the same time. It got bad enough that I had to call an emergency hotline to get myself into a better headspace.

    I’m safe right now, though I am worried because I often have seasonal depression in winter, so we’ll see if things keep up in the next few months.

    What has helped me to get through is knowing how much people rely on me. My kids and wife rely on me, of course, but so does my friends, my clients at work, my coworkers, my neighbors, my community, and - given the current political climate - my country. It can be overwhelming to know that so many people - even those that don’t know you - are counting on you, but for me it fuels my desire to live.

    Half a year ago I was in the mindset of “I am a hindrance to everyone around me,” but I’ve managed to gradually change that thinking to “Everyone around me needs me to do my best effort.” It’s not easy, but it is possible to do.

    I hope that might help. It’s not often that I ever talk about my experiences with SI.

    P.S. Having a hobby helps, too. I think getting back into writing music saved me as well.

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