I hate being autistic

JamesRobParker said:

I'm happy because I have the balls to not be defeated by it.

Good for you - the spirit of Bear Grylls scouting manual! I haven't the courage to wear what I like but love watching others dress up - like goths and steam punk. You've found the simple answer - be yourself. Just remembered, you might like to look at Whitby Steampunk Weekend.

I kinda get what you're saying but... sadly sometimes autism comes to people without a positive side but that's doesn't mean you can let the evil gremlin kill you speaking from experience I genuinely have hated the experience my whole 25 years of life so far and I'm expecting to dislike the condition forever but aside from it I'm fairly content with what little I have I'm overwhelmingly confident not due to the autism but because I forced myself to be I learnt the hard way how to be confident and to do things that were tough against all odds .

Now I'm honestly content with many sides of my life regardless of how this spectrum has tried to ruin it, I can talk to anyone because I forced myself to chat with anyone and everyone I literally talked to people on buses trains and streets everywhere I forced myself no matter how awkward it seemed to compliment people on their hair their clothes their attitude music so on.. to talk on phones to do interviews to suffer through all the rubbish my disability rejected and now I do it naturally regardless of the impact this spectrum has on me.

Same with personal image I dressed in a way to stand out intentionally so I'd feel uncomfortable and overcome it I wore all sorts of crazy outfits including top hats and steam punk or willy wonka esc stuff so now it's easy I even dressed in animal print stuff and all I received because of my attitude was compliments because I had gained confidence and that's powerful.

I also worked terrible jobs still do even though my education should have got me a proper job I was discriminated against and worked around ex and some still criminals in lowest common denominator jobs I lifted steel for 2 years in terrible conditions on Nightshift, I worked throughout winter cycling at night throughout blizzards and black ice with bike lights and lived it fatigue trying it's best to kill me.

I have cleaned messes that would knock anyone sick in a removals firm and had glass explode on me I've had people threaten my life with knives since I was 6 years old and guess what I'm happy to be alive not because of autism but because I found happy in spite of it screw this condition I'm happy regardless even if I never get what I want I'm happy because I have the balls to not be defeated by it.

Now you don't have to do any of this but don't let it get you down you have to keep going regardless.

Yeah I agree but we move we live we get on ...it is what it is autism not always good if anything for me a real pain in the butt.

But you can't let it get yah if you hate it then kick it in the gut and don't let it win because if it's a curse I'm gonna live if not only to spite the bloody thing

In all honesty I get it but it gets easier you just have to give it time the autism might never get easier or likable...it hasn't for me but you find life's great regardless not for any clear reason you just do and believe me I've seen some bad stuff had a real bad do of life and I'm still kicking at 25 with life looking grim and yet looking beautiful really damn great regardless of the abject horror and I really mean that I could tell horror stories or give out trauma like hot cakes...

But seriously life gets better even in hardship you still have plenty of things to enjoy like music, art , nature, fighting and martial arts or physical hobbies and crafts , being reckless and having fun or just obsessing about pointless stuff that no one else gives a damn about and much of this isn't autism regardless of what people tell yah that's just life there are people not on the spectrum that do this and people without it who are absolutely miserable with everything going right because some people just aren't cut out for life.

Your doing well just speaking about it life's a real nightmare at times you could lose your house have your heart broken and father die on the same month at Christmas time and do you know what some of those people homeless and without a clear path are still jumping with joy that their still here.

But I get it I wish I didn't have this damn spectrum as they call it it's gave me nowt and cost me most of my life's work and opportunities for the sake of what nowt ...but hey even still I put one foot in front of the other and walk to my gray grim job and pay my way in life no support no point yet I do and I laugh and smile at misery I joke about me pain and I get on with the jovial jump that is this grim dark life.

Keep up the good work things will get better in time and believe me as miserable as it gets for me I'm a exception most lads my age have a much better time than me so you should be able to have a good laugh yerself 

Well hey I used to hate it actually. But it never got me anywhere so I changed. I started accepting it and it felt good. In the end all I was doing was delaying the inevitable because I knew in my heart that I would be forced to accept it one day. That day came sooner than I expected it to. I love autism. You know I see so many lovely autistic people on a daily basis. I actually feel pleasured to come across them because they are great humans. Autism needs no cure and no remedy. Truly. Other autistic people who realised this told me this. But I didn't believe them I kept resisting eventually my life had to get so bad that I would end up accepting it.

Thanks, BlueHawk and all of you for your support and kind words.   It does make a difference to know there are others with almost exactly the same problem. 

I struggle to do any meaningful parenting and interacting with people at all is a battle.   Most of my relationships are superficial or at least feel that way.

Thank you again!

sometimes, yeah, i hate it too. i wish i didnt but its hard not to at times. 

Sorry you're having a rubbish time too. It's debilitating. Everyday is a battle. I certainly couldn't cope with children.

Hi BlueHawk! Where you are is exactly where I am right now.  (I am not diagnosed but with an autistic son with whom I share many behavioural similarities, it's highly unlikely I'd not be diagnosed.)  As much as I can see that my autism gives me some advantages (Music and IT capabilities to name two), I desperately hate that it is causing so many issues at home all the time.   I am really at an all-time low today and finding strategies to manage things is very hard.  

Well I think being autistic can have its advantages but yeah I completely understand where you are coming from. 

I used to hate myself for being inferior to others as I always call it. Since the suspicion of autism and research in tge topic as deep as possible, my whole view and understanding of myself has changed.  Its not an official diagnosis,  but suspicion confirmed by my therapist.  Maybe it's something else,  I'm open to the information if it's anything other than autism. So far not officially tested, so just suspected. I find myself in many stories posted here and I also saw other people's reactions to my posts about my experience. It's validating and it meansone thing for me - keep working On myself as much as I can and be compassionate to myself, I stopped being so harsh on myself for not doing as good as others. I struggle a lot with information processing (slower than others, which means, that I lose in any discussion,  because the others around me are basically faster than me and I can't prepare my answer within the conversation). And with social interaction- I'm not afraid of approaching someone if I have a reason and know what to say or ask, but I'm terrible at small talk and I'm anxious about being approached by someone, because I don't know what they would talk about etc.

I was always called by my mom: different, creative, with rich inner world,  sensitive etc. But then I heard the "good advice " that never worked "you just need to...". 

I find it interesting,  I see this phenomenon many times- the person, who was the closest, for example mother,  believes that her son/daughter is just their own way weird, its often said "you are just you" and although knowing their offsprings very well, they don't believe,  that the son or daughter has struggles, and actually is autistic or afhd. This is my case, my mom doesnt believe my therapist's suspicion is correct,  she thinks, its just me, but I have someone else who believes me and sees the symptoms- its my husband. 

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Thanks for your honesty. It's hard when it's fundamentally what has caused and continues to cause issues. Yeh there's been good times and I get it about having positives too like you say about being a musician but for me currently,  I hate it.

Yes definitely. I'd say I've hated it throughout my life, and have never truly accepted myself for who I am. But I also know that there are positive qualities about myself that I would not have if I wasn't autistic. Music is a special/intense interest I have, and currently I'm a working musician, getting paid gigs and absolutely love performing, and so I most likely would never have gotten into music if it wasn't for my autism/special interests. Yes, there are things I really struggle with (social interactions, trouble making friends, slower processing of info etc.), so I totally get it, but for me personally I do feel it has led me down/is leading me down a pathway to success, and I'm sure that you have certain characteristics that make you talented (even if you don't realize it!) that you can take advantage of, and that make you yourself! You're not alone  

It’s completely understandable to struggle to see the positives sometimes.

Being autistic can make life feel heavier, especially when it seems like other people find things easier or don’t have to think so hard just to get through the day.

It’s okay not to feel positive about it all the time.

You’re not alone in this.

There are others who feel just like you, even if they don’t always say it out loud.

Thank you

Thank you. Yes I'm struggling to think of the positives.

Although there are aspects of my autism that can frustrate me, I wouldn't go as far as to say that I hate being autistic. There are things I notice and can think about, which I look upon as benefits. Things that NTs don't seem to notice or think about, or at least not to the same extent that I do. I'm a creative person who likes to dabble in arts and crafts that require paying attention to detail. If I was neurotypically wired, I question if I would have that same ability.

Hi BlueHawk 

I get what you mean. I get days when being autistic can feel so hard, especially when the world isn’t set up for us. I feel angry sometimes.

What helps me a little is remembering that the parts that make things difficult are also part of what makes us deep, caring and thoughtful people. But I know that’s hard to hold onto when you’re struggling

You are not alone!

Keep reaching out!

(⁠ʘ⁠ᴗ⁠ʘ⁠✿⁠)

I like being autistic me now, but I wish I hadn’t had to suffer so much growing up and throughout most of my life, simply because other people didn’t know about autism. I believe that if I had been born at least thirty years later I would have thrived.