Social Anxiety (?)

You are welcome.

I understand that Polish is a difficult language, but just keep trying and remember it's a long term project, it takes a long time to learn a new language, but it's commendable that you're trying.

It sounds like they are a close family and enjoy Christmas together, so just go with the flow. Ask your partner what is going to be expected and choose gifts together.

I wish you all the best in finding a new home with your partner.

Thank you for your response! 

We are planning to move elsewhere, we are just waiting for the results of some interviews, but his parents also want us to stay, they want us to be here until Christmas (which I am panicking about because I don't celebrate Christmas at all) but yeah, it's gonna be fine. 

About learning Polish, I am trying my best, it is a very hard language to learn, I can understand the context of things and simple sentences but it's not enough to have a conversation and I feel like it's gonna take a while for me to get there, it's like, I don't mind them speaking Polish, if I had to speak another language in my own home without an intention of doing so I wouldn't be happy and I don't want them to be uncomfortable because of that, it's just another reason for me to avoid a bit of contact, I hope that made sense, my mind is all blurry. 

Basically I just have to keep holding on for a bit, thank you so much for your help <3 

Hi and welcome to the community. I found it difficult living with my own family and moved out when I was 18, but I moved into a flat with just my partner which was brilliant. 

Is it possible for you and your partner to rent a place together? If you are both on a low income, can you find a landlord in your area who will accept housing benefit? You could try asking your local council for advice, or the Shelter charity.

If it's not going to be possible for the two of you to get your own place soon, I suggest you speak to your partner and work out what times you want to spend in your room just the two of you, and what times you want to try to spend a bit of time with the parents. Couples need time alone together to build a relationship and I'm sure the parents understand this.

You mentioned in one of your posts that the parents are Polish, so the communication issues you will already have as an autistic person will be exacerbated by the language barrier. You could try spending some time learning a bit of Polish maybe?

I hope things work out for you and that you find this forum helpful.

This is exactly my concern, I healed from a burn out I can't afford to have another one. Thank you for your words! I'll be definitely taking some action if things don't improve soon. 

If it is getting harder I would guess you are stressed. This constant stress will wear you down and make you isolate more. Don't carry on like this, if you burnout it will not go well. You may end up sleeping more and becoming withdrawn and have dysfunctional thoughts.

You need to honestly look at what is stressing you and talk, to your partner and the parents. You need to find a way to be more comfortable, even if it seems very hard at the moment, or it will get worse.

I assume you can't get your own place.

Talking and knowing that you are not alone is often the first step to self acceptance, so I'm glad that this has made you feel a bit better!

Also yes, absolutely! Feel free to talk to me about Psychology whenever, I am always wanting to talk about it.

I have accepted your request!

Hello SubKonscious :) Lovely to meet you too. 

I definitely get what you mean, I left my mum's house at 15 and started living on my own at 17, there was just no other option. I am sorry that you had to go through all that, it's truly a nightmare, I am glad you found ways of feeling better about yourself but it's a constant process I know. 

Thank you so much for your kind words, this post has helped me loads so far and that is exactly what I need, I just need to make space to be myself. 

Hopefully we'll speak again

Hi Bellathewhiterabbit . Nice to meet you. Just wanted to say I completely relate to what you’re saying. I’ve been there myself several times as I have lived in a crazy number of places from the moment I left my parent’s home when I was 19. It seems the most logical thing to do, doesn’t it? When you’re alone you simply feel safe and you can relax, be yourself and stop worrying. Isn’t that the most important thing of all when you are an anxious person (or have a tendency to be be social anxious)? I also have CPTSD (a lot of traumatic experiences at home and school since I was very small). My advice is do what feels safe and healthy to you. Following what neurotypical people often say (be sociable, don’t isolate yourself, try harder, etc) tends to go against what is really needed. What’s needed is to love yourself understanding you are you including your particularities (easier to say than to do in my case but that’s another story). Listen to yourself and to your needs and don’t force things. That has never worked for me. See you around.

Thanks again! Honestly just talking about it here is making me feel a lot better about it, self-acceptance is harsher to deal with than the situation itself. 

I also sorry about your experience, I know how much it hurts to have your trust broken with a parent, I hope you're dealing better with it.

I would love to talk to you again about psychology, I also want to get a counselling qualification, but my final goal is to be a psychoanalyst. 

I sent you a friendship request, hopefully we can chat again :) 

Take care of yourself

No need to thank me, if I can help someone or just make them feel less alone, I'm happy to do it, also, I'm right there with you. Receiving kindness is unfamiliar to me, too.

I can understand how living with people you can't really understand well might be a bit jarring. I'm not sure how it is for you, but for myself, it causes me a lot of anxiety, almost because I feel like I have to be ready for the next attack, or rather, if I see it coming beforehand, it won't feel as bad as if I were totally blindsided.

I am sorry to hear about the things you had to go through with your mother and I also know exactly how it feels to be in that situation. (I ran away and also cut off my biological mother entirely.). 

Also yes! I am very into Psychoanalysis and Psychodynamic theory. I'm currently doing my bachelor's in Psychology and additionally doing my qualification in counselling. Human behaviour (whether that be through various fields of Psychology, Counselling, History, even more niche things like behavioural analysis or Open Source/Human Intelligence) is my special interest!

Music and singing is something I do a lot when I happen to have the house to myself, sometimes I leave the house and go somewhere just to go do that. it truly is worth trying to carve out some time to do the things you enjoy, especially if you find them peaceful and relaxing. I do understand, however, that WFH might make that difficult, as I have done the same, and during those times, I also didn't really leave my room much.

I hope that you can find something that works for you!

Omg I am not used to all this kindness, thank you so much for this!

In this house they are lovely people really, they're just a bit chaotic, also they are Polish and don't speak English most of the time and I get a bit scared because I don't know what they're saying but they are never rude or judgmental, which is completely different from my background, back in my mum's house (just out of context we don't even keep contact anymore) she would shame me all of the time, she would expect me to do stuff that I had no idea it needed to be done or sometimes that it could be done, she would tell me I would end up alone because I am lazy and selfish and stuff like that and now that's the voice in my head, my superego (if you're into psychoanalysis). 

Luckily, growing up I had loads of alone time in the house cos my mum would work til late in the evening so I love listening to music and singing, I also paint, do research, watch birds, exercise at home, watch doctor who at the moment haha, go for short hikes and this kind of stuff, it's what makes me feel myself, I am trying to make good use of my hobbies, but when they're in the house and I am wfh I feel a bit awkward to do stuff even in my room and I can't leave the house. 

Genuinely, it feels wonderful to know that there's someone listening to me, thank you so much for all your help, I feel seen! x

Hey!

So for context, I'm Autistic, Inattentive Type ADHD and (Mild) Cerebral Palsy. I also strongly believe I have CPTSD, but I haven't gone through the process of actually getting a diagnosis.  That said, however, I entirely understand this experience.

I like to keep to myself and stay in my room with the door closed. If I do feel like socialising, it is usually with my friends over a voice call rather than members of my household. My role in the house is also things like cleaning (In fact, most of my Saturday is dedicated to thoroughly cleaning the house), laundry, taking the bins out, dishes, picking up my youngest sibling from school and packing up, bringing up and putting away the food shopping. 

I'm not sure how the dynamic is where you live, but in my house, it is very overstimulating, very loud. I constantly feel like my personal bubble is being invaded, or I'm always on guard for the next moment of criticism. Or like I have to manage my emotions and the way I interact with people with absolute scrutiny to avoid causing issues or hearing some sort of comment or joke.

Classic hypervigilance, fawning and isolation.

Socialising takes a lot of energy out of me too (which, due to the conditions I have, I don't have much of, and yet I keep trying to maintain the same level of energy or productivity as an able-bodied neurotypical person), along with always being on guard, a lot of anxiety and self-criticism for not being productive enough. If it's my own family members, I will still come out of my room if I need to do something, but if it's people I don't know, then I will just shut myself away. The only way I seem to regain energy is by talking to my closest friends, sitting in my room in the dark doing absolutely nothing, or going for a walk through the park with my headphones on. That said, however, it is not a fix, it just helps me to cope and not feel like I'm holding back the urge to unleash a scream built up through generations.

What do you like to do? Do you find that engaging in hobbies or interests soothes you a little? Do you have a routine or a ritual you like to follow? (for me, it's Coffee and buying some sort of sweet pastry).

I'm sorry that you feel unsafe and trapped, and more than anything, I wish I had something I could tell you or give you that would make that go away. But I am still trying to figure out how to get rid of the chronic lack of safety myself. 

I think the most Important thing is remembering to be kind to yourself and taking adequate time and space where you can be somewhere quiet. Maybe you have an idea of where that might be already. I like to sit by the lake early in the morning or in the evenings when no one is around. 

In the meantime, take care of yourself.