Social Anxiety (?)

Hey!

So for context, I'm Autistic, Inattentive Type ADHD and (Mild) Cerebral Palsy. I also strongly believe I have CPTSD, but I haven't gone through the process of actually getting a diagnosis.  That said, however, I entirely understand this experience.

I like to keep to myself and stay in my room with the door closed. If I do feel like socialising, it is usually with my friends over a voice call rather than members of my household. My role in the house is also things like cleaning (In fact, most of my Saturday is dedicated to thoroughly cleaning the house), laundry, taking the bins out, dishes, picking up my youngest sibling from school and packing up, bringing up and putting away the food shopping. 

I'm not sure how the dynamic is where you live, but in my house, it is very overstimulating, very loud. I constantly feel like my personal bubble is being invaded, or I'm always on guard for the next moment of criticism. Or like I have to manage my emotions and the way I interact with people with absolute scrutiny to avoid causing issues or hearing some sort of comment or joke.

Classic hypervigilance, fawning and isolation.

Socialising takes a lot of energy out of me too (which, due to the conditions I have, I don't have much of, and yet I keep trying to maintain the same level of energy or productivity as an able-bodied neurotypical person), along with always being on guard, a lot of anxiety and self-criticism for not being productive enough. If it's my own family members, I will still come out of my room if I need to do something, but if it's people I don't know, then I will just shut myself away. The only way I seem to regain energy is by talking to my closest friends, sitting in my room in the dark doing absolutely nothing, or going for a walk through the park with my headphones on. That said, however, it is not a fix, it just helps me to cope and not feel like I'm holding back the urge to unleash a scream built up through generations.

What do you like to do? Do you find that engaging in hobbies or interests soothes you a little? Do you have a routine or a ritual you like to follow? (for me, it's Coffee and buying some sort of sweet pastry).

I'm sorry that you feel unsafe and trapped, and more than anything, I wish I had something I could tell you or give you that would make that go away. But I am still trying to figure out how to get rid of the chronic lack of safety myself. 

I think the most Important thing is remembering to be kind to yourself and taking adequate time and space where you can be somewhere quiet. Maybe you have an idea of where that might be already. I like to sit by the lake early in the morning or in the evenings when no one is around. 

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Omg I am not used to all this kindness, thank you so much for this!

In this house they are lovely people really, they're just a bit chaotic, also they are Polish and don't speak English most of the time and I get a bit scared because I don't know what they're saying but they are never rude or judgmental, which is completely different from my background, back in my mum's house (just out of context we don't even keep contact anymore) she would shame me all of the time, she would expect me to do stuff that I had no idea it needed to be done or sometimes that it could be done, she would tell me I would end up alone because I am lazy and selfish and stuff like that and now that's the voice in my head, my superego (if you're into psychoanalysis). 

Luckily, growing up I had loads of alone time in the house cos my mum would work til late in the evening so I love listening to music and singing, I also paint, do research, watch birds, exercise at home, watch doctor who at the moment haha, go for short hikes and this kind of stuff, it's what makes me feel myself, I am trying to make good use of my hobbies, but when they're in the house and I am wfh I feel a bit awkward to do stuff even in my room and I can't leave the house. 

Genuinely, it feels wonderful to know that there's someone listening to me, thank you so much for all your help, I feel seen! x

Omg I am not used to all this kindness, thank you so much for this!

In this house they are lovely people really, they're just a bit chaotic, also they are Polish and don't speak English most of the time and I get a bit scared because I don't know what they're saying but they are never rude or judgmental, which is completely different from my background, back in my mum's house (just out of context we don't even keep contact anymore) she would shame me all of the time, she would expect me to do stuff that I had no idea it needed to be done or sometimes that it could be done, she would tell me I would end up alone because I am lazy and selfish and stuff like that and now that's the voice in my head, my superego (if you're into psychoanalysis). 

Luckily, growing up I had loads of alone time in the house cos my mum would work til late in the evening so I love listening to music and singing, I also paint, do research, watch birds, exercise at home, watch doctor who at the moment haha, go for short hikes and this kind of stuff, it's what makes me feel myself, I am trying to make good use of my hobbies, but when they're in the house and I am wfh I feel a bit awkward to do stuff even in my room and I can't leave the house. 

Genuinely, it feels wonderful to know that there's someone listening to me, thank you so much for all your help, I feel seen! x

Talking and knowing that you are not alone is often the first step to self acceptance, so I'm glad that this has made you feel a bit better!

Also yes, absolutely! Feel free to talk to me about Psychology whenever, I am always wanting to talk about it.

I have accepted your request!

Thanks again! Honestly just talking about it here is making me feel a lot better about it, self-acceptance is harsher to deal with than the situation itself. 

I also sorry about your experience, I know how much it hurts to have your trust broken with a parent, I hope you're dealing better with it.

I would love to talk to you again about psychology, I also want to get a counselling qualification, but my final goal is to be a psychoanalyst. 

I sent you a friendship request, hopefully we can chat again :) 

Take care of yourself

No need to thank me, if I can help someone or just make them feel less alone, I'm happy to do it, also, I'm right there with you. Receiving kindness is unfamiliar to me, too.

I can understand how living with people you can't really understand well might be a bit jarring. I'm not sure how it is for you, but for myself, it causes me a lot of anxiety, almost because I feel like I have to be ready for the next attack, or rather, if I see it coming beforehand, it won't feel as bad as if I were totally blindsided.

I am sorry to hear about the things you had to go through with your mother and I also know exactly how it feels to be in that situation. (I ran away and also cut off my biological mother entirely.). 

Also yes! I am very into Psychoanalysis and Psychodynamic theory. I'm currently doing my bachelor's in Psychology and additionally doing my qualification in counselling. Human behaviour (whether that be through various fields of Psychology, Counselling, History, even more niche things like behavioural analysis or Open Source/Human Intelligence) is my special interest!

Music and singing is something I do a lot when I happen to have the house to myself, sometimes I leave the house and go somewhere just to go do that. it truly is worth trying to carve out some time to do the things you enjoy, especially if you find them peaceful and relaxing. I do understand, however, that WFH might make that difficult, as I have done the same, and during those times, I also didn't really leave my room much.

I hope that you can find something that works for you!