Social Anxiety (?)

Hey!

So for context, I'm Autistic, Inattentive Type ADHD and (Mild) Cerebral Palsy. I also strongly believe I have CPTSD, but I haven't gone through the process of actually getting a diagnosis.  That said, however, I entirely understand this experience.

I like to keep to myself and stay in my room with the door closed. If I do feel like socialising, it is usually with my friends over a voice call rather than members of my household. My role in the house is also things like cleaning (In fact, most of my Saturday is dedicated to thoroughly cleaning the house), laundry, taking the bins out, dishes, picking up my youngest sibling from school and packing up, bringing up and putting away the food shopping. 

I'm not sure how the dynamic is where you live, but in my house, it is very overstimulating, very loud. I constantly feel like my personal bubble is being invaded, or I'm always on guard for the next moment of criticism. Or like I have to manage my emotions and the way I interact with people with absolute scrutiny to avoid causing issues or hearing some sort of comment or joke.

Classic hypervigilance, fawning and isolation.

Socialising takes a lot of energy out of me too (which, due to the conditions I have, I don't have much of, and yet I keep trying to maintain the same level of energy or productivity as an able-bodied neurotypical person), along with always being on guard, a lot of anxiety and self-criticism for not being productive enough. If it's my own family members, I will still come out of my room if I need to do something, but if it's people I don't know, then I will just shut myself away. The only way I seem to regain energy is by talking to my closest friends, sitting in my room in the dark doing absolutely nothing, or going for a walk through the park with my headphones on. That said, however, it is not a fix, it just helps me to cope and not feel like I'm holding back the urge to unleash a scream built up through generations.

What do you like to do? Do you find that engaging in hobbies or interests soothes you a little? Do you have a routine or a ritual you like to follow? (for me, it's Coffee and buying some sort of sweet pastry).

I'm sorry that you feel unsafe and trapped, and more than anything, I wish I had something I could tell you or give you that would make that go away. But I am still trying to figure out how to get rid of the chronic lack of safety myself. 

I think the most Important thing is remembering to be kind to yourself and taking adequate time and space where you can be somewhere quiet. Maybe you have an idea of where that might be already. I like to sit by the lake early in the morning or in the evenings when no one is around. 

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Hey!

So for context, I'm Autistic, Inattentive Type ADHD and (Mild) Cerebral Palsy. I also strongly believe I have CPTSD, but I haven't gone through the process of actually getting a diagnosis.  That said, however, I entirely understand this experience.

I like to keep to myself and stay in my room with the door closed. If I do feel like socialising, it is usually with my friends over a voice call rather than members of my household. My role in the house is also things like cleaning (In fact, most of my Saturday is dedicated to thoroughly cleaning the house), laundry, taking the bins out, dishes, picking up my youngest sibling from school and packing up, bringing up and putting away the food shopping. 

I'm not sure how the dynamic is where you live, but in my house, it is very overstimulating, very loud. I constantly feel like my personal bubble is being invaded, or I'm always on guard for the next moment of criticism. Or like I have to manage my emotions and the way I interact with people with absolute scrutiny to avoid causing issues or hearing some sort of comment or joke.

Classic hypervigilance, fawning and isolation.

Socialising takes a lot of energy out of me too (which, due to the conditions I have, I don't have much of, and yet I keep trying to maintain the same level of energy or productivity as an able-bodied neurotypical person), along with always being on guard, a lot of anxiety and self-criticism for not being productive enough. If it's my own family members, I will still come out of my room if I need to do something, but if it's people I don't know, then I will just shut myself away. The only way I seem to regain energy is by talking to my closest friends, sitting in my room in the dark doing absolutely nothing, or going for a walk through the park with my headphones on. That said, however, it is not a fix, it just helps me to cope and not feel like I'm holding back the urge to unleash a scream built up through generations.

What do you like to do? Do you find that engaging in hobbies or interests soothes you a little? Do you have a routine or a ritual you like to follow? (for me, it's Coffee and buying some sort of sweet pastry).

I'm sorry that you feel unsafe and trapped, and more than anything, I wish I had something I could tell you or give you that would make that go away. But I am still trying to figure out how to get rid of the chronic lack of safety myself. 

I think the most Important thing is remembering to be kind to yourself and taking adequate time and space where you can be somewhere quiet. Maybe you have an idea of where that might be already. I like to sit by the lake early in the morning or in the evenings when no one is around. 

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Omg I am not used to all this kindness, thank you so much for this!

In this house they are lovely people really, they're just a bit chaotic, also they are Polish and don't speak English most of the time and I get a bit scared because I don't know what they're saying but they are never rude or judgmental, which is completely different from my background, back in my mum's house (just out of context we don't even keep contact anymore) she would shame me all of the time, she would expect me to do stuff that I had no idea it needed to be done or sometimes that it could be done, she would tell me I would end up alone because I am lazy and selfish and stuff like that and now that's the voice in my head, my superego (if you're into psychoanalysis). 

Luckily, growing up I had loads of alone time in the house cos my mum would work til late in the evening so I love listening to music and singing, I also paint, do research, watch birds, exercise at home, watch doctor who at the moment haha, go for short hikes and this kind of stuff, it's what makes me feel myself, I am trying to make good use of my hobbies, but when they're in the house and I am wfh I feel a bit awkward to do stuff even in my room and I can't leave the house. 

Genuinely, it feels wonderful to know that there's someone listening to me, thank you so much for all your help, I feel seen! x