Your tolerance to stress

I'm pleased you've sussed all this Kate Kestrel  

What truly leads to happiness et al? 

Some suggest that life is like a sh1t sandwich - just depends on how much bread you have.  No coincidence that bread is another word for money and it get concentrate in weird ways by capitalism.

I like a nice cup of tea!  which reminds me...

I am also happy that you appreciate the watercourse way too :-)

Best wishes.

Yes! I’ve realised that western societies teach us the opposite of this - and imho this is why there is so much unhappiness in countries like the UK and the U.S. Western Societies are financially rich and technologically ‘advanced’ but spiritually and philosophically poor. Also this focus on the individual and gratifying the individual’s ego and sense of self is wrecking the planet. For years capitalism has been selling us the idea: “buy this for yourself (bigger car, shinier kitchen, designer clothes etc) and you’ll be happy’ and it’s not made people happy - it’s made them greedy, competitive and dissatisfied. I think more and more people are starting to realise this and realising happiness comes from something much deeper. Also the ‘rich’ countries are keeping a lot of the people at ‘the bottom of the pile’ in poorer and poorer quality of life and that’s causing a lot of tension (including racial and class tension) - and it’s unsustainable. The poorest in society are now unable to fund even the most basic living standards, the govt then has to subsidise them and more right leaning govts (which is what we have now bizarrely even though they’re meant to be Labour)  hate ‘giving money’ to people because it goes against everything capitalism stands for. 
Capitalism is the politics of the ‘self’. 
What truly leads to happiness, contentment, peace of mind, and a loving and caring society? These are the really interesting questions and the answers are actually surprisingly simple: feeling loved and cared for, having a comfortable home and contact with nature, having time to spend with our loved ones, being part of a supportive community, good quality healthy food, being warm, being creative, feeling safe, being healthy, an education that is genuinely about curiosity and interest in the world (rather than just a machine to get us to pass exams. Time to properly rest and sleep, peace and quiet when we feel we need peace and quiet. The fundamental things of life that are truly valuable are pretty universal and timeless. Our society is not geared towards meeting these needs - in fact it’s often acting in opposition us being able to meet them. Peace and happiness starts with how we think and perceive things - and also from having the luxury to STOP thinking all the time! Whenever I’m struggling now I just go out for a walk and really concentrate on what’s around me: the trees, the sky, the sounds of the birds, the feel of the breeze and the sun on my face. It’s a joy to realise it’s not all about ‘me’ - we are all teeny tiny specks in an infinite universe and it’s liberating to realise that, and to step outside of oneself and enjoy the expansiveness of that. We are not just a wave - we are the water :) 

hehe - when I widen my perspective to the bigger picture I often see things that are my problems too!  Joking aside I get what you mean Kate Kestrel  

I am happy about this process too Kate Kestrel  

Mushin - calm mind makes good techinque!

-/\- :-)

I really like the Buddhist teaching of ‘no self’ - it’s helped me to step outside of this idea of being in this little ‘bubble of me’ and realise I’m part of something way beyond that - I’ve found that very freeing. Whenever I face something stressful now I try and widen my perspective to the bigger picture - and then my problems seem smaller. 

Thanks for sharing that Geeky Gothic Guy .

I feel interested by your response.

This is because your description of using meditative practice as some sort of armour that might deflect things getting in but  instead "kettles" you inside it is something I have experience of too.

It is perhaps using one's mind but not being "mindfull"?

 In my case my background was through martial arts into meditation and I learnt that I could use my mind drive my body somewhat like a robot without regard for the costs and yep that can kettle things big time!

Without the surcease of  sanctuary in good "spirituall" support (blimey did I really type that - what an old hippy I might seem!) or a damn good retreat every now and then, well, the balance of (especially emotional) accounts can run into the negative.  Buddhism is perhaps as much a culture as it is a religion and to get the full benefit of it one might need to be deeper immersed than most of either can manage or indeed might wish to be.

I think that it is a good idea to be yourself as after all who else can you be? 

I reckon that if nothing else meditation may have helped you realise that.  :-)

It's just such a sh1t to realise this when one is so damn unhappy! (oh yes me too... so damn often...)

perhaps co-incidentally I have been using the I-Ching tonight and it gave me this answer.

"This is the realm of the Shaman.
You have exhausted every alternative, spent yourself completely, taxed body and mind beyond your former limits.
Survival and salvation lie beyond your reach now.
Only transcendence to a new existence -- a higher plane of being -- will see you through.
The Old You is just a dry husk.
You can't return to it.
Metamorphosis is the only grace offered.
You can only return to your homeland as a New You."

All that mediatation and stuff... blimey... so... Buddhism teaches transcendence via meditation and ethical living as I understand it

Maybe another way is by harmonisng with oneself (and yes maybe that is most easy and most accustomed when feeling reall bad) and then finding some way of getting in with some good experiences along the way - (funny thing is they are often about we just don't realise they were there nor how to find them).  That way we "become" someone different because of the experiences we participate in?

If this means "stepping out of oneself" to do it maybe start small and see how it goes?

That's my plan anyway.

Best Wishes

I think that with Mindfulness in its truest sense you wouldn’t be being encouraged to hide or repress how you were feeling (although I can see how easily that might happen). It’s not easy to fully adopt Buddhist practices and it takes a lot of time and the change can be slow. I ‘got into Buddhism’ at a point in my life (I had ptsd after a life threatening illness and had had years of severe anxiety, difficult childhood etc) when I was really struggling to survive. I was at the end of my tether, having suicidal thoughts and so on (I didn’t want to die but I was finding life almost unbearable). I’d been vaguely interested in Buddhism and Hinduism in the past but I thought: ‘this is my last hope and I’m going to fully commit to really learning about this in depth  - because I’ve run out of options of anything else that might help me’. For the last 2 years I’ve deep dived into Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings and for the first time in my life I can really feel peace within myself on a more consistent basis. It’s settled me somehow. I still do get stressed out and anxious sometimes - that’s just being human after all - but most of the time it’s manageable and I’m definitely a happier person. It’s been a very gradual, slow change - but it’s a very stable, sustainable change as well. Plus I find it absolutely fascinating - so it’s giving me a lot on that level too. I had parents who were very reactive, angry, argumentative and judgemental - I grew up in a house where it was very hard to relax and feel emotionally safe and secure. Learning what I’ve learned over these 2 years has largely freed me from the impact of that - which is something I never thought could be possible. I know it’s not going to be for everyone - apart from anything else it takes up quite a bit of time to study these things. But I truly believe that a lot of our suffering lies in how we think and perceive things - and changing how we think and perceive things is definitely achievable. It requires a lot of time and commitment though - and I don’t in anyway underestimate how hard that can be to do in the world we live in now. But I often feel peaceful now, and there was a time when I barely ever felt that way, and there have been times when I’d lost all hope of ever feeling peace or happiness again. These are tools that anyone can access - they don’t even really cost any money because it’s all there for free on YouTube. And for some people (myself included) it can be truly life changing. 

I am very familiar with Thich Nhat Hanh, I used to be into the whole Buddhism thing too. I first got into Buddhism and stuff from doing mindfulness in DBT a long time ago. For a long time people knew I had mental health problems, self harm was almost like my identity (I know that sounds nuts). I was that kinda person. Then I started getting into mindfulness through DBT and I decided I wanted to be that “chilled” person, the one who doesn’t get phased by anything. I came off all my medication, and to others I was seemingly doing well…when I moved up north, it was the perfect opportunity to carve out a new identity so to speak…ultimately though, I wasn’t being mindful, I was just absorbing everything and not dealing with it, being angry was seen to a weakness, I couldn’t let anybody see me being emotionally frustrated, upset, anxious or anything. I became very good at hiding how I felt. in the end though, bit by bit the cracks started showing and I ultimately ended up worse. That led me down the path of more mental health therapy and then discovering I had autism. Allowing myself just to be me though is quite a relief. I don’t have to put on act anymore. If I look anxious or am overwhelmed, I don’t really care. Let them think what they want. I did try to access DBT again as I thought it might helpful to revisit, and do it the proper way, not the way I did it, unfortunately though because I’m under the autism service I can’t access it. 

Thank you for the John Cheese picture of frustration. That is just how I feel at times as I am telling the laptop how ridiculous this all is.

For me my stress and anxiety levels have ‘ebbed and flowed’ throughout my life - but definitely got worse when i got to the perimenopause/menopause age. From your name I'm guessing that you are male - so thats probably not very useful information for male autistic people! But i think it’s a common experience for women when they get older. I was hugely strugglng but its really improved now - and for me what helped was studying Zen Buddhism (for a couple of years now) and that taught me how to live more in the moment and not ruminate so much on the past or worry so much about the future. Ive got a lot of ‘tools’ now to help me change my perspective regarding all aspects of life in ways that reduce stress a lot. Practicing mindfulness, not looking ahead so much or feeling sad and resentful about the past, practicing ‘letting go’, non-attachment, understanding ‘inter-being’ - these are all things that have helped me to get a lot more distance from the things that used to stress me out so much. I’m less reactive now - so if something starts to wind me up I have greater awareness of that process and therefor a bit more distance, and a bit more distance allows me to be less overwhelmed and recover more quickly if I’m feeling overwhelmed etc. I learnt these things (online) from a very well respected Zen Master called Thich Nhat Hanh. It took time for me to learn and absorb these different thinking ‘habits’ but it’s unquestionably helped me a lot. Being human inevitably involves some stress and anxiety - and over the years I tried all sorts of things to help as my life was often completely miserable because I felt so overwhelmed much of the time - but this is the only thing that’s made a significant and long lasting difference to me. They have a YouTube channel called ‘Plum Village’ if anyone is interested. 

Many thanks 

I would like to share some of the work I have been exploring in response to stress that might be useful to you Mr T if that's OK?

I think in this context the issue is clearly how stressed one is to start with. If anyone’s baseline is high they have little room for more and I can empathise with your experience.

Like anyone else when close to burn out there is the challenge to find perspective and find an answer.

I'm having perhaps similar fun and games in respect of picking the bones out of post diagnostic and work related stressors.

I recently came across a distinction between primary and secondary alexithymia.

The first is genetic and maybe there are some work arounds that I think are helpful and maybe you might too.

The second alexithymia is experience and environmental and relates to the work related bit, potentially is the bit where the employer responsibilites are most deeply established.  Everyone gets these however I am like a canary in a coal mine to these and I suspect many autistic people are too.

Also there is a condition called delayed emotional processing which I think is closely correlated to the stress that's worth getting a handle on as both the stress of an undiagnosed life and the stresses of being unsupported, misunderstood and sometimes even repressed. that I found really insightful to explore.

All the Best.

It too feel this form of distress Mr T 

I personally think there may be some work-arounds however the NT world makes it especially important to use them and often hard to employ them.

It is especially frustrating that we feel in a struggle to survive when remarkably we have access to so much wealth of knowledge and material (albeit restricted by aspects of the NT world).

Self-realisation is often described as being a key to self-actualisation and happiness (not just struggling to survive).  Maybe this is the answer and I think what you are doing here and now is just that.  Perhaps the issue is how much one is able to do so?

On the other hand it is also said that "ignorance is bliss".  I think that both you and I, and perhaps it is in the nature of a lot of autistic people, struggle to ignore things.  Anyway I certainly don't want to encourage myself or others to behave ignorantly!

Hang in there and maybe get used to flying?

Given some of the things that people have identified as stressors, and thinking about some of my NT friends and family, I think it's not just ND's that have problems with things like tech, passwords and just how complicated previously simple things have become. All these things that are supposed to make life easier and don't, seem to make everyone go mad and feel like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers beeting his broken car with tree branch out of sheer frustration.

I have to agree with most of the other posts. I am now in a constant flux of anxiety. This is about 50/50 with my late diagnosis and compounded by my employment situation leading to an employment tribunal.

It is not the stress itself that damages oneself but the effects it has on the person regardless of the level of stress applied. Some will be more tolerant to stress in the NT world. However, in the autistic world with all our differing complexities ,stress and the stressors being applied tend to be non-conducive to a low stress life.

What is the answer? Well it may be a unique combination of factors that are specific for each individual. What does not help is the constant struggle to survive in a NT world. 

I think it's difficult to answer your question objectively Geeky Gothic Guy 

Previous respondents have covered a lot of things and maybe I'm just easily led bit I've agreed with most of them!   Circumstances change somewhat as one grows older. 

Events accumulate also.  Bad experiences can feed negativity bias and then things can all snowball.

Does a fish realise that it is swimming in water?

Strategies for managing stress can counterbalance or indeed if they are unhealthy ones confound.

If they are worse for you have circumstances for you changed?

I think personally (especially after accumulated burnouts and meltdowns and recognising it's problematic more I have become a little more attuned to watching out for it and noticing it - this can give the impression of being more stressed but really I probably am better at acknowledging it.

Maybe acknowledging it is a start of being able to do something about it.

At least i bl00dy well hope so!  

Best Wishes

I guess quite a lot of us can relate. I worry about the future all the more and worry if I’m gonna be any worse than I am now but I keep saying it surly can’t get any worse but it always does. Struggling with irritating intrusive flashbacks as I type this

Yes, I’m more intolerant now that I’m older. I am thinking in particular of being in the presence of young children and going to events that might require socialising. I am finding these things more stressful now, but from what I read, feeling that way when you get older can be common for some non-autistic people too.