Your tolerance to stress

For me my stress and anxiety levels have ‘ebbed and flowed’ throughout my life - but definitely got worse when i got to the perimenopause/menopause age. From your name I'm guessing that you are male - so thats probably not very useful information for male autistic people! But i think it’s a common experience for women when they get older. I was hugely strugglng but its really improved now - and for me what helped was studying Zen Buddhism (for a couple of years now) and that taught me how to live more in the moment and not ruminate so much on the past or worry so much about the future. Ive got a lot of ‘tools’ now to help me change my perspective regarding all aspects of life in ways that reduce stress a lot. Practicing mindfulness, not looking ahead so much or feeling sad and resentful about the past, practicing ‘letting go’, non-attachment, understanding ‘inter-being’ - these are all things that have helped me to get a lot more distance from the things that used to stress me out so much. I’m less reactive now - so if something starts to wind me up I have greater awareness of that process and therefor a bit more distance, and a bit more distance allows me to be less overwhelmed and recover more quickly if I’m feeling overwhelmed etc. I learnt these things (online) from a very well respected Zen Master called Thich Nhat Hanh. It took time for me to learn and absorb these different thinking ‘habits’ but it’s unquestionably helped me a lot. Being human inevitably involves some stress and anxiety - and over the years I tried all sorts of things to help as my life was often completely miserable because I felt so overwhelmed much of the time - but this is the only thing that’s made a significant and long lasting difference to me. They have a YouTube channel called ‘Plum Village’ if anyone is interested. 

I am very familiar with Thich Nhat Hanh, I used to be into the whole Buddhism thing too. I first got into Buddhism and stuff from doing mindfulness in DBT a long time ago. For a long time people knew I had mental health problems, self harm was almost like my identity (I know that sounds nuts). I was that kinda person. Then I started getting into mindfulness through DBT and I decided I wanted to be that “chilled” person, the one who doesn’t get phased by anything. I came off all my medication, and to others I was seemingly doing well…when I moved up north, it was the perfect opportunity to carve out a new identity so to speak…ultimately though, I wasn’t being mindful, I was just absorbing everything and not dealing with it, being angry was seen to a weakness, I couldn’t let anybody see me being emotionally frustrated, upset, anxious or anything. I became very good at hiding how I felt. in the end though, bit by bit the cracks started showing and I ultimately ended up worse. That led me down the path of more mental health therapy and then discovering I had autism. Allowing myself just to be me though is quite a relief. I don’t have to put on act anymore. If I look anxious or am overwhelmed, I don’t really care. Let them think what they want. I did try to access DBT again as I thought it might helpful to revisit, and do it the proper way, not the way I did it, unfortunately though because I’m under the autism service I can’t access it. 

I think that with Mindfulness in its truest sense you wouldn’t be being encouraged to hide or repress how you were feeling (although I can see how easily that might happen). It’s not easy to fully adopt Buddhist practices and it takes a lot of time and the change can be slow. I ‘got into Buddhism’ at a point in my life (I had ptsd after a life threatening illness and had had years of severe anxiety, difficult childhood etc) when I was really struggling to survive. I was at the end of my tether, having suicidal thoughts and so on (I didn’t want to die but I was finding life almost unbearable). I’d been vaguely interested in Buddhism and Hinduism in the past but I thought: ‘this is my last hope and I’m going to fully commit to really learning about this in depth  - because I’ve run out of options of anything else that might help me’. For the last 2 years I’ve deep dived into Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings and for the first time in my life I can really feel peace within myself on a more consistent basis. It’s settled me somehow. I still do get stressed out and anxious sometimes - that’s just being human after all - but most of the time it’s manageable and I’m definitely a happier person. It’s been a very gradual, slow change - but it’s a very stable, sustainable change as well. Plus I find it absolutely fascinating - so it’s giving me a lot on that level too. I had parents who were very reactive, angry, argumentative and judgemental - I grew up in a house where it was very hard to relax and feel emotionally safe and secure. Learning what I’ve learned over these 2 years has largely freed me from the impact of that - which is something I never thought could be possible. I know it’s not going to be for everyone - apart from anything else it takes up quite a bit of time to study these things. But I truly believe that a lot of our suffering lies in how we think and perceive things - and changing how we think and perceive things is definitely achievable. It requires a lot of time and commitment though - and I don’t in anyway underestimate how hard that can be to do in the world we live in now. But I often feel peaceful now, and there was a time when I barely ever felt that way, and there have been times when I’d lost all hope of ever feeling peace or happiness again. These are tools that anyone can access - they don’t even really cost any money because it’s all there for free on YouTube. And for some people (myself included) it can be truly life changing. 

I think that with Mindfulness in its truest sense you wouldn’t be being encouraged to hide or repress how you were feeling (although I can see how easily that might happen). It’s not easy to fully adopt Buddhist practices and it takes a lot of time and the change can be slow. I ‘got into Buddhism’ at a point in my life (I had ptsd after a life threatening illness and had had years of severe anxiety, difficult childhood etc) when I was really struggling to survive. I was at the end of my tether, having suicidal thoughts and so on (I didn’t want to die but I was finding life almost unbearable). I’d been vaguely interested in Buddhism and Hinduism in the past but I thought: ‘this is my last hope and I’m going to fully commit to really learning about this in depth  - because I’ve run out of options of anything else that might help me’. For the last 2 years I’ve deep dived into Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings and for the first time in my life I can really feel peace within myself on a more consistent basis. It’s settled me somehow. I still do get stressed out and anxious sometimes - that’s just being human after all - but most of the time it’s manageable and I’m definitely a happier person. It’s been a very gradual, slow change - but it’s a very stable, sustainable change as well. Plus I find it absolutely fascinating - so it’s giving me a lot on that level too. I had parents who were very reactive, angry, argumentative and judgemental - I grew up in a house where it was very hard to relax and feel emotionally safe and secure. Learning what I’ve learned over these 2 years has largely freed me from the impact of that - which is something I never thought could be possible. I know it’s not going to be for everyone - apart from anything else it takes up quite a bit of time to study these things. But I truly believe that a lot of our suffering lies in how we think and perceive things - and changing how we think and perceive things is definitely achievable. It requires a lot of time and commitment though - and I don’t in anyway underestimate how hard that can be to do in the world we live in now. But I often feel peaceful now, and there was a time when I barely ever felt that way, and there have been times when I’d lost all hope of ever feeling peace or happiness again. These are tools that anyone can access - they don’t even really cost any money because it’s all there for free on YouTube. And for some people (myself included) it can be truly life changing.