Dealing with gossip in a work environment

I just wanted to thank all of you so much for responding! You’ve given me some insights and arguments to think about before making choices about what to do and/or not to do. I’m only gonna be with this particular company for a year and will have to stay with them for this particular period of time (they’re paying for the qualification I’m getting trained for), but this is making it a bit easier to cope.

Thanks and greetings to all of you!

I think you're right to be concerned, putting paprika in someones coffee! How do they know she's not allergic to it? I think you should take this to HR, spiking someones drink with anything is against the law here.

I think gossip is pretty normal, but you don't have to engage with it, if someone tries to get you on "thier side", then just listen and make some neutral noises, like 'yes, I see where you're coming from', but also make it clear that you wish to remain neutral and that if people want to tell you stuff they can, but you only deal with the person in front of you. It's a very tiring situation to be in and it dosen't feel particulalry safe, as you probably don't know if they're all going to turn on you. If it makes any difference I'm negotiating a similar situation where two friends have fallen out and one at least is acting like we're all still in the playground and we're all in our 60's. 

I think everyone hopes that when we leave school, that we'll leave all that stuff behind, but unfortunately we don't, all we can do is change how we deal with it.

One thing I have noticed over the years and have heard from many is that the caring professions can be very uncaring of their own.

Emmalephant said:

Is this common in the working crowd?

I think it is - at least in my experience (I've worked for about 12 companies, most as a consultant).

The health service (certainly emergency services) seems to have a need to vent due to the literal life and death nature of the work and they seem to have cliques form of like minded people, many of who want something like gossip to take their mind off the horrors they deal with daily.

Emmalephant said:

there are people who complain about her not being good at her job which is a valid complaint at least

I've seen plenty of this sort of victimisation - the staff are trying to make her leave in the hope they can get a competent replacement, but they are using underhand and possibly illegal ways to do it. If you try to put a stop to it then they will turn on you instead so be careful how you align yourself in this dynamic.

Emmalephant said:

Was I so wrong about hoping for things to get better after school?

I think it was a bit naive to expect things to get better - education is in a bubble in the working world and unfortunately most working environments are harsh and often brutal to work in. It is probably the reason only around 20% of autists can keep a full time job.

You know better now so I would use this to re-evaluate your approach to work, harden your tolerance to the other peoples behaviours and keep your distance from them as much as you reasonably can so you don't get drawn into it or become their next target.

A bully free environment is the ideal but we are so far from this that it requires a different approach if you are to survive.

All in my opinion of course.

No definitely not normal. In any work place you're always getting to get a bit of gossip and there will likely always be a bit of complaining about others when someone has got annoyed or someone isn't pulling their weight. But what you're describing is definitely bullying and it is not ok.

What are management/HR like? I personally think I'd have to put in a complaint. I've endured too much bullying in my life to be able to stand back and watch it. However, I know this isn't always the easiest move to make and I wouldn't want to push you into something you didn't feel able to do.

If it's voluntary, how long are you there for? Are you able to look somewhere else that might be a nicer work environment?

Thanks! Fortunately, anti-bullying systems work quite well for many here, but in this specific situation… I think legal action would do me and others more harm than good. Nonetheless, thanks for giving a source that sums it up so well!

We are not allowed to give legal advice here.

However, this article names the legislation areas for Germany which may also assist you looking up a more relevant detailed definition and the particular sections of legislation of which to be aware:

https://www.nortonrosefulbright.com/en-de/knowledge/publications/d2be19cc/bullying-in-the-workplace-what-employers-should-consider

This is actually a rather helpful article. Thank you so much! It gives me a definition, descriptive words and ideas for dealing with it, as well as just being overall validating. I’ll take a closer look at it now and maybe it will even help me to support colleagues who are the victims of such behaviours.

I think the best article I have seen recently (with easy to remember summary graphics too) on the workplace bullying topic is this one:

https://www.quill.com/content/index/resource-center/healthcare/tips-and-tricks/how-to-squash-workplace-bullying-without-bullying-back/default.cshtml

What do you think?  Anything useful for you to consider in this article?

Yes, it’s horrible how people are just accepting her being treated like an outcast and less than poorly. Thanks for your words and also for putting things into perspective. I thought, I was going crazy with everyone just being so nonchalant about this.

Emmalephant said:

“Oh well, you must’ve done something to turn them against you, no?”

This implies there is some limit as to how much you can dislike someone before bullying them is seen as an acceptable response or solution. Again, without knowing the full picture it’s a hard call but all you can do is do what you feel/think is best for you. Work environments are often not the most ideal places to have to spend most of your time, they are made worse by toxic behaviours.

Thanks! Hearing that already makes a difference. Everyone just keeps telling me that “This is normal in the health care industry” and “Everyone gets talked about behind their back, it’s normal, so just suck it up and just expect to be gossiped about anytime”.

I am not planning on filing anything formal since I’ll only have to stay there for a year and have had no problems yet (yes it’s egocentric, but I’ve made this mistake one too many times), but maybe there’s someone with advice on how to keep attention away and on how to act to avoid seeming too apathic and weird while also keeping your head down. Never thought I’d say that, but right now I’m just trying to figure out how to handle myself before thinking about how to do something against this behaviour.

She is thinking about filing a formal complaint and even tried to talk to a colleague. I heard the conversation and she was pretty much dismissed with something along the lines of “Oh well, you must’ve done something to turn them against you, no?” Even though she admitted that this coffee thing went too far. I worry for her though. If she’s going to file a complaint (which totally is the right thing to do), this will trickle down to become common knowledge eventually. 
I’m only gonna stay for a year, but she has also just been there for a little over a year now, so it can definitely escalate quickly with these group dynamics.

I wouldn’t call it complaining, I’d see it as a responsible thing to do. I don’t know the entire picture here, maybe she’s in on the jokes and banter herself? But if you feel this needs to go higher up the chain then I’d strongly recommend this is made clear to those in charge. If the higher ups aren’t willing to deal with this appropriately then you have a choice to make or break because long term this type of toxic work environment will infect your long term happiness and life enjoyment. 

Emmalephant said:

I know this sounds like a big pity-party and while that’s not my intention,

No, no, absolutely not a big pity-party and definitely no need to say you are sorry. 

You are experiencing an unexpectedly hostile work environment. 

That is not acceptable and it is not your fault to not have expected such appalling conduct. 

You are not being naïve at all - it really should not be that type of behaviour experienced in the workplace. 

By the way: the issue about people spiking the person's coffee with paprika spice is dangerous - as some people may have an allergy to paprika.

Because I understood that you are not based in the UK (you mentioned your "A" Level equivalent - the Abitur); we shall all here in our community need to be thoughtful about some slightly more generic constructive suggestions to support you (as it would not be so helpful for you if we all start recommending UK legislation and organisations).

I will keep the reply brief for now (and think further about the challenge of the situation you are facing).  I just was keen for you to know: you are correct in expecting so much better behaviour in the workplace.

Right? I feel so bad for her. But complaining will probably get her into even more trouble.

Emmalephant said:

People even put paprika spice in her coffee-powder twice already

This type of behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable and anyone found guilty of this deserves an instant dismissal. It’s bullying and bullying someone with a disability is absolutely shameful. If these are the people potentially in charge of life and death situations in the near future let me die.