Trying to date a male with autism & dyspraxia

You're welcome. I'm sorry.

There is nothing wrong with being nice, caring and genuine. I hope you find someone nice :-)

Thank you everyone for your posts, I presumed this was more of an autism thing where I was dealing with someone very overwhelmed and who maybe needed some space. But I think the conclusion is that it's just the usual dating rubbish and I've been a doormat for accepting it, likely that they were just looking for an out and that out was ghosting!

I don't understand it either which is why I said it was evasive.

Yes you can come back from it, if you reduce stress. But it can re-occur. It is much worse when you are not diagnosed because you don't know what is happening to you. You are just confused. But he knows, so I don't get it. Unless he just doesn't know how to end it. Fear of conflict is scary so he may hide and go silent. It is not nice but happens.

I can't know though. I don't know either of you and everyone is different.

I admire you for being so understanding and trying to do the right thing, but don't get taken advantage of. Use your judgement.

Do you come back from it though? 

There's no point messaging him as he won't respond.

Communication was fine before we would spend hours talking about different things and would exchange messages where he'd ask me often very blunt personal questions. I don't understand why we can't do that anymore, we never had issues with communication before.

Just ask if you want to know.

Space probably means he wants to be alone.

Emotions probably means he is overloaded and is not sure what he feels. I was often numb which was hard for me and the other person.

I say what I mean, perhaps bluntly and often too truthfully. Although what I mean and what you might interpret it to mean may not be the same thing. So clarifying questions from both sides are a good thing. Autistic communication issues means all sorts of things I am now realising. My logic may be different, so what makes sense to me may seem strange to you. 

Thank you Iain. I'm just wondering what he meant by struggling with personal space and emotions, was it that I came to his house? And how long should I wait for him to reach out or for this shutdown to end? If it was over, would he say or just ghost?

Regardless of his issues you have a right to be happy too. The injustice of putting your all in and getting little in return is hurtful without a doubt. Not having an open two way communication going is extremely frustrating and leaves you hanging on without any clear idea of the current standing between you both which means no idea if there’s a future either. You probably would start to suspect true motives behind the original pursuit of this relationship with yourself, that’s pretty normal. You could say well if he’s ignoring me now he isn’t interested and I should move on but that’s not so easy for yourself given all you’ve invested. If you consider dating as much more of an opportunity type deal then perhaps carry on dating, that obviously depends on your own views on the idea but if you wish to try make this current date work out then you’ll probably have to set some of your own boundaries if he’s not willing to communicate. It isn’t great to carry a whole load of hurt around so protect yourself first. 

If seeing someone once every 2 weeks is too much, and a text or call is a challenge, then what sort of future do you have. Maybe I am being harsh and he is getting close to falling apart through work. But that is not going to help the situation.

After some months it should be getting easier to talk,  he should not be more distant. A text is not that challenging.

It is your choice if you want to wait or try to set some rules. But communication is essential, as it is the only way to overcome the autistic relationship challenges. If that breaks down it is going to be frustrating and misunderstandings are guaranteed, especially as dysfunctional thinking or cognitive distortions are likely to accompany being overloaded.

He may need help from a therapist, but he will probably be too stubborn and not make time for it.

I refused help, but like I said I'd did not know what was happening, I thought I was being manipulated and it was different times.

Slayer87 said:

But why would I suddenly be ghosted like this?

I think it was this:

Slayer87 said:

he said that he was taking some time out as he had been very stressed with work and not overly happy recently as a result of the stress

A common issue for autists is burnout because of our succeptability to anxiety. It may sound like an excuse but it is very real for many of us, and we need downtime to recover.

This combined with his uncertainty of the rules of interaction and lack of skill in picking up on cues from you possibly created that perfect storm for him.

Of course this does nor prevent him from being a a-hole too, but I'm considering a positive interpritation here.

This is why I suggest a resete, a defining of the rules of engagement and some understanding from you to give him a chance to show his quality.

It is hard work dating an autist so just walking away is the lowest hassle option but hopefully with the info you now have you can make an informed decision.

The plan thing I think is more dyspraxia than anything, it will just be that at the beginning of the week he'll say let's do this on the weekend. And then the weekend comes and he'll be like I need to recharge or this has happened. So we end up meeting every 2 weeks and it's normally me organising but he does has a work schedule when he's travelling or working all of the time.

I hope he doesn't have someone else but I know that work is a succubus of everything for him. He had to take some days off as the pressure had got too much recently which I'm pretty sure is highly unusual but yes by my book too he could explain or call or text.

Thank you for your kindness and explanation, it's appreciated!

So I shouldn't just wait to see if he messages because me sending a message doesn't prompt any response from him at this point. I am carrying on with my life in the interim even though this has really hurt me.

But why would I suddenly be ghosted like this? He's always initiated the contact and phone calls which some of his family and friends thought was unusual as we both liked speaking to each other. Why now would someone struggle with personal space and want to cut me out and how long should I accept this shutdown for? It's been a few days since he messaged and this whole thing started a week or so ago now. I've made it clear I still like him and I'm here when he is ready to come back but I don't understand if this is over or not.

Slayer87 said:

I have often found his behaviour difficult to understand.

I can see the situation arose though a combination of his autistic traits, the pressure he was under and the changes going on in his life through meeting you.

We can be hard work unless you understand the moving parts going on with how autism makes us behaves. It is different for everyone but many of us share similar traits and there are a few ground rules that should get things off to a more reliable start:

1 - Don't assume he will know what you expect of him. Often our social skills are poor and telling him EXACTLY what you wantneed should go a long way.

2 - Set ground rules for interactions. Knbowing what is expected takes a lot of anxiety out of the situation for us.

3 - don't assume he is in contact with his emotions in the way you are. He may have trouble understanding his own emotions or detecting them in you.

4 - Where you hear him say something odd or do something you don't get, ask about it. 

5 - find out what his special interests are and be prepared to be info dumped on about them. Maybe a ground rule set earlier can be to tell him when it is getting too much for you as he probably can keep on going for dfays.

6 - Be prepared to be patient with intimacy. I would suggest sgreeing STOP words for when either of you need to pause or stop. He is probably inexperienced and very nervous so be ready to lead things to get the results you want

If you decide to persue things further then there are some good books on the subject but these could save you some challenges if you do continue.

I got overloaded at Christmas after several years of pressure and had what might be called a mini breakdown,  having not really recovered from the same thing in 2021 due to COVID pressure. I could still just about work and not many people noticed, but I was an emotional wreck crying every evening and in the car to and from work.

The point being that 8 months on I am not fully back to normal. So if you get fully burnt out it is months to recover.

I concluded 30 years ago I couldn't live with someone and pushed my partner away not knowing why she made me feel so bad . But I didn't know I was autistic till 2 months ago. I was just confused, traumatized, and badly and chronically depressed.

But he knows he is autistic. So I would not cut him much slack. He can read what to do.

There is no excuse for being rude or not following through on plans. Don't make a plan if you won't do it. An autistic trait is loyalty and reliability.

You have done the right thing.

But I'd say you are not that important. He has his work, or someone else, higher. Actions speak louder than words.

Autism makes it hard to lie, maybe why he is quiet.

I bet he is still working. He could call if he wanted to. He did when you suggested it was over.

He is milking it and being avoidant in my opinion. It will continue like this and you will be annoyed with yourself if you put up with it.

I'm sorry for you.  Have a virtual hug.

I mean unfortunately you can’t wait around forever. This is how life goes and he cannot expect you to wait around forever either. 

Stuart333 said:

If you are interested still, I'd suggest a face to face meeting and to be clear what you expect.

This is the best thing you can do in this instance. Clear the air, set the boundaries and if he’s not willing to do at least that then you have the permission you need to carry on with your life. Perhaps he needs to learn what he wants and how to work on relationships in order to keep them functioning but this is also something you can discuss should you meet.

Thank you, it feels very personal. And when he didn't reach out for a few days, I did point blank ask him if this had been a hookup/one night stand in which he immediately called and said no. But then after that he went silent again and eventually said that he struggles with personal space and that's why he's invariably single. I'm aware that he's been deeply unhappy with work lately and is very stressed over it all. But I can't even work out anymore if we're still dating or not and this is just an autistic shut down and I should just wait it out or if that was it from his messages. How long does this stuff go on for?!

Thank you Stuart333 for the response, really appreciate it! I think the dyspraxia plays a part in being able to organise stuff and follow through a bit. From what I've read it sounds like when an autistic person is overwhelmed with feelings or stressed, needs to recharge etc and is citing a deep low and shutdown that you were just supposed to say that you're there for them when they're ready (which I have done)? I initially tried suggesting a call but given he said he struggles with personal space and emotions but he's ignored it. 

I really can't tell whether this is just ghosting BS or whether this is someone with autism who has shutdown temporarily and will come back?

From a guys perspective it sounds like he’s worried about complicating his life, that’s not to say he doesn’t like you, I’m sure he does but he is afraid of letting things get out of his control. Where your feelings are concerned he may not have considered how much behaving this way would effect you during his quieter days. The radio silence behaviour would simply be a social shutdown or removal of the stressor temporarily till he had got his head about the situation he’d found himself in. He’s autistic as you say so he’s not likely to change easily and even less likely to want to change, any push in that direction will not bring positive results.  Perhaps he wasn’t able to predict he would behave this way and thought he could soldier on? If he’s mentioned you to family and friends then what’s changed? I’d assume he’s bitten off more than he can chew for now, see if he comes around in time. Most importantly though you won’t have done any wrong so try not to dwell too much if you can.

I used to do a very stressful job with long hours. There is a drive to focus on work and autism makes you single minded so that other things are blocked out.

I struggled to do anything much in the evening, just rest or maybe have a beer or two to relax and slow my mind.

But I would have been able to text or have a call.

I might have avoided too many calls or them being long as miscommunications becomes easy and more common. I'd sometimes say the wrong thing.

I got depressed due to the stress which can cause dysfunctional thinking and over interpretation. I'd be confused but not know what to say. I'd mask as well.

I do think he is being avoidant though. Not following up on plans does not sound right.

If you are interested still, I'd suggest a face to face meeting and to be clear what you expect. Rules are very helpful. Then he has a choice to make and you know where you stand.