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Trying to date a male with autism & dyspraxia

Slayer87

Hello, I'm trying to better understand a situation that I have recently encountered with a man I'm trying to date who is late 30s with autism and dyspraxia. I'm female and in my thirties too.

We've been seeing each other for a few months speaking daily, often long text or phone conversations, kissed etc and have expressed well that we like each other. For the first time recently I came to his place and we connected intimately, all was fine. After I left he didn't contact me for a few days and when I queried it, he mentioned that he thought I would message him and was waiting for that. After that there was more silence in which he said that he was taking some time out as he had been very stressed with work and not overly happy recently as a result of the stress, heading for a deep low. After that more silence, in which I messaged again with no response. I felt honestly like I have been ghosted and just said I wouldn't bother him again and that I wished him well - to me this was saying goodbye but I appreciate that it wasn't direct. I was very hurt by this behaviour and didn't really understand. Several days later, I received a subsequent call (which I missed) and messages just saying thank you for being kind, that I could probably see why he was single as he struggled with people coming into his personal space and emotions regarding work, deep lows, stress etc. I responded just saying I was surprised to hear from him and didn't understand the situation but since then silence. I'm really not sure what has happened and why, I oddly feel like this was triggered by me coming to his house and presume that this has now ended things between us.

I have often found his behaviour difficult to understand. Need to recharge/be alone (not speak), making plans to see me but not following up, he has an insanely stressful job that requires a vast amount of hours. But equally has always said that he wanted to focus on really liking me over anything physical, spoken to family and friends about me, said that he hoped to have a family etc.

I can't figure out whether this ending is the usual dating rubbish of ghosting or whether I have missed something?

Any ideas please?

Parents

  • From a guys perspective it sounds like he’s worried about complicating his life, that’s not to say he doesn’t like you, I’m sure he does but he is afraid of letting things get out of his control. Where your feelings are concerned he may not have considered how much behaving this way would effect you during his quieter days. The radio silence behaviour would simply be a social shutdown or removal of the stressor temporarily till he had got his head about the situation he’d found himself in. He’s autistic as you say so he’s not likely to change easily and even less likely to want to change, any push in that direction will not bring positive results.  Perhaps he wasn’t able to predict he would behave this way and thought he could soldier on? If he’s mentioned you to family and friends then what’s changed? I’d assume he’s bitten off more than he can chew for now, see if he comes around in time. Most importantly though you won’t have done any wrong so try not to dwell too much if you can.

  • in reply to Autismman

    Thank you, it feels very personal. And when he didn't reach out for a few days, I did point blank ask him if this had been a hookup/one night stand in which he immediately called and said no. But then after that he went silent again and eventually said that he struggles with personal space and that's why he's invariably single. I'm aware that he's been deeply unhappy with work lately and is very stressed over it all. But I can't even work out anymore if we're still dating or not and this is just an autistic shut down and I should just wait it out or if that was it from his messages. How long does this stuff go on for?!

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  • in reply to Autismman

    Thank you, it feels very personal. And when he didn't reach out for a few days, I did point blank ask him if this had been a hookup/one night stand in which he immediately called and said no. But then after that he went silent again and eventually said that he struggles with personal space and that's why he's invariably single. I'm aware that he's been deeply unhappy with work lately and is very stressed over it all. But I can't even work out anymore if we're still dating or not and this is just an autistic shut down and I should just wait it out or if that was it from his messages. How long does this stuff go on for?!

Children
  • in reply to Slayer87

    Regardless of his issues you have a right to be happy too. The injustice of putting your all in and getting little in return is hurtful without a doubt. Not having an open two way communication going is extremely frustrating and leaves you hanging on without any clear idea of the current standing between you both which means no idea if there’s a future either. You probably would start to suspect true motives behind the original pursuit of this relationship with yourself, that’s pretty normal. You could say well if he’s ignoring me now he isn’t interested and I should move on but that’s not so easy for yourself given all you’ve invested. If you consider dating as much more of an opportunity type deal then perhaps carry on dating, that obviously depends on your own views on the idea but if you wish to try make this current date work out then you’ll probably have to set some of your own boundaries if he’s not willing to communicate. It isn’t great to carry a whole load of hurt around so protect yourself first. 

  • in reply to Autismman

    So I shouldn't just wait to see if he messages because me sending a message doesn't prompt any response from him at this point. I am carrying on with my life in the interim even though this has really hurt me.

  • in reply to Slayer87

    I mean unfortunately you can’t wait around forever. This is how life goes and he cannot expect you to wait around forever either. 

    Stuart333 said:
    If you are interested still, I'd suggest a face to face meeting and to be clear what you expect.

    This is the best thing you can do in this instance. Clear the air, set the boundaries and if he’s not willing to do at least that then you have the permission you need to carry on with your life. Perhaps he needs to learn what he wants and how to work on relationships in order to keep them functioning but this is also something you can discuss should you meet.