Trying to date a male with autism & dyspraxia

Slayer87 said:

I have often found his behaviour difficult to understand.

I can see the situation arose though a combination of his autistic traits, the pressure he was under and the changes going on in his life through meeting you.

We can be hard work unless you understand the moving parts going on with how autism makes us behaves. It is different for everyone but many of us share similar traits and there are a few ground rules that should get things off to a more reliable start:

1 - Don't assume he will know what you expect of him. Often our social skills are poor and telling him EXACTLY what you wantneed should go a long way.

2 - Set ground rules for interactions. Knbowing what is expected takes a lot of anxiety out of the situation for us.

3 - don't assume he is in contact with his emotions in the way you are. He may have trouble understanding his own emotions or detecting them in you.

4 - Where you hear him say something odd or do something you don't get, ask about it. 

5 - find out what his special interests are and be prepared to be info dumped on about them. Maybe a ground rule set earlier can be to tell him when it is getting too much for you as he probably can keep on going for dfays.

6 - Be prepared to be patient with intimacy. I would suggest sgreeing STOP words for when either of you need to pause or stop. He is probably inexperienced and very nervous so be ready to lead things to get the results you want

If you decide to persue things further then there are some good books on the subject but these could save you some challenges if you do continue.

But why would I suddenly be ghosted like this? He's always initiated the contact and phone calls which some of his family and friends thought was unusual as we both liked speaking to each other. Why now would someone struggle with personal space and want to cut me out and how long should I accept this shutdown for? It's been a few days since he messaged and this whole thing started a week or so ago now. I've made it clear I still like him and I'm here when he is ready to come back but I don't understand if this is over or not.

Slayer87 said:

But why would I suddenly be ghosted like this?

I think it was this:

Slayer87 said:

he said that he was taking some time out as he had been very stressed with work and not overly happy recently as a result of the stress

A common issue for autists is burnout because of our succeptability to anxiety. It may sound like an excuse but it is very real for many of us, and we need downtime to recover.

This combined with his uncertainty of the rules of interaction and lack of skill in picking up on cues from you possibly created that perfect storm for him.

Of course this does nor prevent him from being a a-hole too, but I'm considering a positive interpritation here.

This is why I suggest a resete, a defining of the rules of engagement and some understanding from you to give him a chance to show his quality.

It is hard work dating an autist so just walking away is the lowest hassle option but hopefully with the info you now have you can make an informed decision.

I don't understand it either which is why I said it was evasive.

Yes you can come back from it, if you reduce stress. But it can re-occur. It is much worse when you are not diagnosed because you don't know what is happening to you. You are just confused. But he knows, so I don't get it. Unless he just doesn't know how to end it. Fear of conflict is scary so he may hide and go silent. It is not nice but happens.

I can't know though. I don't know either of you and everyone is different.

I admire you for being so understanding and trying to do the right thing, but don't get taken advantage of. Use your judgement.

Do you come back from it though? 

There's no point messaging him as he won't respond.

Communication was fine before we would spend hours talking about different things and would exchange messages where he'd ask me often very blunt personal questions. I don't understand why we can't do that anymore, we never had issues with communication before.

Just ask if you want to know.

Space probably means he wants to be alone.

Emotions probably means he is overloaded and is not sure what he feels. I was often numb which was hard for me and the other person.

I say what I mean, perhaps bluntly and often too truthfully. Although what I mean and what you might interpret it to mean may not be the same thing. So clarifying questions from both sides are a good thing. Autistic communication issues means all sorts of things I am now realising. My logic may be different, so what makes sense to me may seem strange to you. 

Thank you Iain. I'm just wondering what he meant by struggling with personal space and emotions, was it that I came to his house? And how long should I wait for him to reach out or for this shutdown to end? If it was over, would he say or just ghost?

Thank you Iain. I'm just wondering what he meant by struggling with personal space and emotions, was it that I came to his house? And how long should I wait for him to reach out or for this shutdown to end? If it was over, would he say or just ghost?

I don't understand it either which is why I said it was evasive.

Yes you can come back from it, if you reduce stress. But it can re-occur. It is much worse when you are not diagnosed because you don't know what is happening to you. You are just confused. But he knows, so I don't get it. Unless he just doesn't know how to end it. Fear of conflict is scary so he may hide and go silent. It is not nice but happens.

I can't know though. I don't know either of you and everyone is different.

I admire you for being so understanding and trying to do the right thing, but don't get taken advantage of. Use your judgement.

Do you come back from it though? 

There's no point messaging him as he won't respond.

Communication was fine before we would spend hours talking about different things and would exchange messages where he'd ask me often very blunt personal questions. I don't understand why we can't do that anymore, we never had issues with communication before.

Just ask if you want to know.

Space probably means he wants to be alone.

Emotions probably means he is overloaded and is not sure what he feels. I was often numb which was hard for me and the other person.

I say what I mean, perhaps bluntly and often too truthfully. Although what I mean and what you might interpret it to mean may not be the same thing. So clarifying questions from both sides are a good thing. Autistic communication issues means all sorts of things I am now realising. My logic may be different, so what makes sense to me may seem strange to you.