I find it easier to know what I don't want from life.
I don't want to live in the same place forever and be constantly reminded of bad memories.
I don't want children, as an autistic guy I know the loneliness, pain and apathy and won't want to pass it on, besides the state of the world.
I don't want to be exploited, an honest, diligent and helpful person can easily be taken advantage of.
I grew up with a dog in the family (serially). I like dogs. I don't want to own one, though. I've doggie-sat a few times and it was ... unpleasant. I'd bring the dog for a walk and I couldn't relax with all the stopping, sniffing, pulling, and poop-scooping. I like to look around when I'm walking and savour the details of nature, but I cannot do that if I'm completely distracted by a dog.
That typed, if I were old and living alone, I could see myself getting a dog for company. Maybe I could pay someone else to walk it, though.
Never a cat, though. They kill billions of birds every year. I like birds a lot more than cats.
This is exactly how I see things. I don’t have any ambitions to become anything. Is it personal achievement that some may strive for? A sense of status in society? Superiority? Nice house, nice car, materialism?
I don't think it has anything to do with demand avoidance, I've never known what I want to do when I grow up and I'm 63 now! I've never had goals or ambitions, they just don't seem to be part of my make up.
I had all the writing things down and highlighting things with a careers advisor, they gave up because my likes and dislikes, the things I'm good at and the things I'm bad at didn't seem to match up with anything. Another thing for me personally is that I tend to be really good at something or really bad.
It's normal to have a load of "what if's" when starting something new, especially somethig as nebulous as dating and to put stumbling blocks in your way.
How do you learn to have goals and ambitions? I think that it's something you either have or not, society likes us to have goals and ambitions,
I think what happens is that those of us who are demand avoidant will look initially at what the potential goal / ambition could be and see one or more thing that are triggered by our PTSD or aversion response and think "nope!".
We often will dismiss what could be a very good thing to do because of one detail we don't want to face or cope with so will often throw the baby out with the bathwater in order to not be faced with the detail.
I'm mulling over going travelling for a few months or getting back into actively dating but can see my subconcious placing lots of little roadblocks in the way, so I am using the following approach.
Get a sheet of A4 paper, write the thing I'm interested in considering in the middle and mind map all the things needed to make it happen, both good and bad.
Once complete I will get another sheet of paper and create 3 columns - one for the bonuses, one for negatives and the third for other stuff I don't know whether will be good or bad.
Once complete I will use a highlighter to mark only the most important elements - green for good, yellow for possibly good, orange for possibly bad and red for bad - most items will not be maked up as they are neutral.
Once complete there will typically be a lot of green / yellow and only a few red - so long as I feel I can manage with these (eg by masking or getting help with) then it helps me know if the goal is worth persuing.
I can then go back to the mind mapping page and work out the process to get there and use the inertia to get things started.
Do you want to know what you want?
Or to put it another way, Do you not want to want?
I’m just wondering if you would find it helpful or not to reframe the lists (as Lotus has done), or perhaps you are content to keep things the way they are?
I think the question we should really be asking is why do they get so upset with us for not being like them rather than internalising the anger and upset.
Agreed. It can't all be our fault. There's an ambition for us, then: hold others to account when they blame us for their ableism.
How do you learn to have goals and ambitions? I think that it's something you either have or not, society likes us to have goals and ambitions, it can funnel us down certain avenues and pigeon hole us. They can also be used negatively, in a people like you don't do things like that, sort of way.
Some people need goals, ambitions, and something to strive for, it's part of their competitive nature, but if you're not competitive, goal drive and ambitious, it's really confusing to be told you need to be and society does tell us that in all sorts of ways. People get really upset and angry by those of us who don't share the goal driven mindset, I think the question we should really be asking is why do they get so upset with us for not being like them rather than internalising the anger and upset.
Another thing I don't want in the future is pets, especially dogs. Nothing against them, but after two decades of putting up with their barking, especially our neighbours' barky ass Weimaraner, and the spaniel next door with seemingly infinite stamina whose persistent bark permeates through all background noise. It is perhaps adopted as it arrived a few months ago yet not properly trained. Their conservatory at the back has the windows open so it's max volume until its owners return. So no pets in my future.
I don't want to be exploited, an honest, diligent and helpful person can easily be taken advantage of.
That's what's sad about Autism. It's not being Autistic, it's being misunderstood or taken advantage of because we're Autistic. We expect to be taken at face value because that's the way the world appears to us. We also take others at face value, but then we get burned because they have some hidden agenda that we didn't twig. Is it any wonder many of us withdraw from society, avoid interacting, avoid potential conflict.
It's why I like the whole neurodiversity paradigm: we get to say, "This *** is on you, not on me. Your ableism is my disability. Cut me some ***ing slack! I'm just as much a person as you are!"
I squandered two decades of my life by not having goals or ambitions.
But you've probably learned to have goals and ambitions. I sat on a couch for thirteen years (12 hours per day) and, in retrospect, it wasn't all wasted. I did learn that I was on too many stimulants for ADHD, that I was Autistic, that I need to put myself and my needs more forward. Would it have been better if I didn't sit on my couch for that long? Yes. Was it a total waste? No, it was, ultimately, very instructive. It won't happen again, I promise (myself).
You know what you don't want, but from that maybe it's possible to extrapolate what you DO want?
I'll have a go....
You want to live somewhere different.
You want to stay childless but don't want to be lonely
You want people to treat you well and not take advantage of you.
So how can you achieve that? Here are some ideas -
Look for a new home in a different area. I know that's easier said than done, but focus on that goal and remind yourself that it could help you put the past behind you. Be proactive in looking at homes on the internet, apply to the local housing register if you're eligible, look for jobs with accommodation included, whatever it takes to get to live where you will be happier.
There are other people who also don't want to have children. If you want to do online dating, make sure this is clear on your profile so you don't get into a relationship where you'll have pressure to start a family. See if there is a local meet up group for autistic people, or try joining a local club or evening class that aligns with your interests. This could lead to new friendships and possibly eventually a partner.
Don't continue relationships where people try to exploit you - whether family, friends or romantic relationships. You have value and should be treated with respect. There are good people out there.
I hope you gain a sense of community and connection by chatting with us, and find this forum useful.
I have found I have been the same and judging myself by what others have achieved only leads to a sense of shame and or guilt at times however I am trying to learn that everyone is different. Accepting who you are and the choices you’ve made as the right ones for you and no one else can be a challenge in an NT society. We should allow ourselves to be happy doing what makes us happy and it’s none of anyone else’s business. You remind me of a friend I have, he would have posted the very same thing you have although he ignores my mentioned of him being on the spectrum.
Have you squandered two decades not having goals or ambitions? I've tied myself in knots over the years, mostly at the behest of others, who think I should have goals and ambitions and who try and push me down a path they believe is suitable. I've done a lot of different things in my life, most of them unplanned, they've just sort of happened organically, much to the despair of job coaches or anyone else like that who can't cope with career tangents rather than ladders or whatever.
I think free yourself from the impossition of goals and ambitions, if they're not for you then they're no for you, people will freak out, but so what, let them, this is your life, not thiers, live as you see fit.
I squandered two decades of my life by not having goals or ambitions.
I think it's often easier to know what we don't want rather than what we do want, especially if you're not a goal driven person and don't have a particular ambition.
