Autistic imposter syndrome

I had a similar thought before, too. I described a meltdown as turning all the dials (sliders) up to 11.

I don’t know, who says “I feel autistic”… I’m just me and I’m feeling like me. No one else. Now I accidentally came across an article about schizoid personality disorder. I was amazed to recognize some of these traits quite strong in me. But not all. I do feel deep joy, when busy with my aliens. 
i had an appointment with one psychiatrist recently for a support group, where I could meet people to have some activities together. She insisted that I join a support group for depression and wanted to prescribe me meds for depression. My therapist told me, he does not see any need to medicate me and he didn’t even mention any depression right now, but social anxiety and panic disorder which is much more accurate. And suspected autism. I explained her my struggles in social life, showed her pictures of my dolls and told my story as short and informative as I could. But she didn’t try to go deeper. Just depression and bang! Meds again. I don’t want, I’m tired of meds and side effects. 

I think I’ve experienced something similar but I think it came across as rude. A colleague of mine would call her boyfriend “Cole” when he’s actually called “C/Karl”. I corrected the way she said it but I am not sure it was an appropriate thing to do.

It was some sort of BBQ style in a restaurant. So I thought they meant embers, since you don't cook on black charcoal, you let it burn a bit to go grey. In some places, like Korea, you have have indoor BBQs at your table which use a sort of compressed briquette thing.

It is also possible to cook using actual coal, but it is a bid weird and makes things taste a bit like creosote, unless it has burnt right down.

And of course you can cook using lava rock heated by gas.

All these hot things could be called "coals", as it seems a generic term for the hot stuff under the BBQ.

Anyway they just though it was obvious it was charcoal and who cares, it was a pedantic question. I just thought it was important to understand why this particular BBQ was any different to any other BBQ.

Cooking over a coals? Did they mean metaphorically? It reminds me of the phrase “walking on egg shells”.

I don't feel autistic either. I just feel like me.

In my report I managed to tick almost every box, only stimming is a bit weak, and I thought they would say I was normal. I even passed on ADOS-2 and the frog book where I thought I did too well.

I camouflage and avoid.

I have issues with pain which I have been telling doctors for years, but now I can show them something and they might believe me.

I also have issues with emotions which they think I should have therapy for. Not helped by probable childhood emotional neglect. Plus other issues.

In a discussion at lunch today someone mentioned cooking over coals. I asked a few times if they meant coal (that you dig up) or charcoal (part burnt wood). It seemed important, but 4 other people didn't get why I was asking.

I received my report today, I’ve only been able to read parts of it. From the ados 2 score there is little doubt I’m autistic. I still feel like I don’t belong here, throughout  the day something happens and I realise that I am autistic. I’ve spent over 50 years trying my hardest to act normal, I often still don’t recognise autistic behaviour. I think I expected to feel different after diagnosis, I know it’s the wrong thing to say but I don’t feel autistic, can you feel autistic? To be honest I just don’t feel any emotion at the moment. 
Obviously you don’t need to have every trait to be autistic, my wife is doing an autism awareness course at the moment, I tried to explain how the spectrum works, I had one of those metal  pallets of watercolours as a child, I could be four colours making up my autistic identity, someone else could be two of my colours and three different colours, or four totally different colours. The different combinations is huge, a bit like a combination padlock, there are many combinations.

The beginning of the universe is a very interesting topic for sure, why did it happen, how did it happen, what came before it because something can’t be made out of nothing. Black holes, space’s very own Dyson, these are a very strange phenomenon indeed. 

Sure, this choice is personal for everyone. This journey of discovery is very important to me, because I found this site and I found here some pen palls which I really enjoy chatting to and exchanging experience and infodumping. So whether I ever get dx or not, I feel that here is my place and want to stay. 

Now I listened to a couple videos with Neal De Grasse Tyson and he says, we might be in a black hole. It's only a theory, but for me interesting one. I also red, that scientists wonder, how is it possible that in early universe some of the galaxies were already well developed and structured, they shouldn't be there. Also 2/3 of the galaxies spin clockwise and 1/3 - counter clockwise. I got some maybe stupid idea, that if our universeis in a black hole, than maybe these phenomena apear, because our universe might be a merger of two black holes, where one could be older, other one - younger. And this could create the big Bang that we know. I don't know, if a content of a black hole would get spaghettified again during a merger or not. Having stars and  black holes in my head is a real joy. Sorry for infodumping 

Thanks for your reply, I think over analysing and trying to bleed the answers out of any possible bit of information are factors for me. I am waiting for that “aha!” moment that doesn’t seem to come. Also the tendency to think in black and white is unhelpful  because the spectrum is not black and white at all. I did end up going for diagnosis during a burnout. You could be right about the being older part, older minds perhaps are more battle scarred, more open to different possibilities through past experiences, maybe even more doubt.

Thanks for the reply, I think it was important for me to get diagnosed although now haunted by imposter syndrome. I feel I should also trust the judgement of the consultant psychiatrist, I mean who am I to say she was wrong? But yeah it’s really a personal choice as to whether you feel you need one or not. Aliens and black holes are pretty interesting also.

Thank you, that’s a very good way of looking at it. I wish I was one of those who didn’t doubt things but here we are.  Emotions are a tricky thing for sure, I am not certain on my own a lot of the time which makes choices very difficult especially if they have consequences.

I saw a description which seems quite good if you know what a graphic equaliser is (a hifi or music thing that has lots of little sliders that move up or down).

Each autism trait is like one of the little sliders. Each person has their own unique settings. It is not a nice smooth line, but a set of discrete separate settings.

I don't know how many there are, might be 20, or 50 or  100. Some are more popular than others 

Some may be all the way up or all the way down.

I also think they can be amplified if you are stressed or reduced if everything is good. This is why you feel a fraud some days because everything has been turned down.

I also thing the output has to reach a certain level to be noticeable. So some don't get over the threshold some days.

(I think this may be my issue with emotions, they have to get above a certain level before I notice them, then they tend to be quite strong and I wonder where they came from, then they go down a bit and I feel nothing again. I think this is why I get so confused about what I feel  and struggle with lack of consistency.)

I've been not diagnosed,  but as long as I was busy and obsessed by this topic, I felt strong doubts that I could possible be autistic.  Now im back in my aliens and black holes and I can say, i don't care anymore if I'm autistic or not. I'm in my world that gives me joy and I think I will not even look into getting diagnosed,  because I just got accepted to a local support group which programme looks good for me and I will see how it goes. I had a conversation with one psychiatrist and told her about my life, problems,  trauma and what I need. This group is not specific for autistic people,  there are people with various conditions and traumas. I will see how it goes. If not necessary,  I will avoid going through the long and complicated diagnostic  process. 

Ps. The quoted words are really deep and resonate with me a lot.

I get this too, there are times I read posts and threads and even though I know it's a syndrome which means we all have different points on it and not an illness where everybody has the same symptoms, I still sometimes feel that there's been a mistake adn I'm not really autistic. 

I wonder if part of the problem is that we're older and so much information is aimed at the young? It can seem like theres little acceptance of life before diagnosis and that we're encouraged to think about the things that we've struggled with rather than on the things we've been good at because of or despite our autism. I think autism made me a better counsellor because I looked at other peoples problems through a different lens and saw them differently and was able to help my clients see a different path through their difficulties.

Of course diagnosis and why we go for diagnosis is because we're struggling and often feeling near collapse and burnout, we end up rebuilding ourselves from a very different ground level, a diagnosis can feel like an emotional landslide and the ground we're rebuilding ourselves on is different. But we should sift through the rubble and keep those things we're good at, the things we enjoy and that make us happy, but to often it feels that it's all been bulldozed away.

Maybe a good idea for another thread is to list all the symptoms on the spectrum and see which ones fit us and which don't. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more differences between us than we might expect, given that we all have the same or similar diagnosis. I think we're encouraged to see the spectrum to narrowly and a wider view might help all of us as well as wider society and our families.

Yes my son is in the process of being assessed for ASD and my daughter definitely shows traits of ADHD also. Most of my issues seem to be around routine, predictable daily or self chosen activities and lack of desire to be around others socially. I also have restrictive interests which mostly centre around topics I see as fundamental to existence so nature would probably be at the top of that with several related topics branching off. International politics has snuck in over the past few years because I long for a deeper understanding of its workings. But in terms of autism itself this forum is probably one of the better ones I’ve found.

I still deal with it from time to time to be honest. But yes, time has helped. Actually interacting with others on here with ASD has helped. And I think that my daughter also getting diagnosed with AuDHD has helped as well. It’s kind of all culminated into me mostly accepting that I don’t have to be the poster child for Autism in order to have it.

How did you get your head around it and finally accept it for what it is? Just time? 

Yeah I’ve had Autistic imposter syndrome, too. That’s why it took me a few years to join this forum despite knowing about it around the time I was diagnosed. When I was diagnosed my psychiatrist said that she considered me “borderline” for the ASD diagnosis, which only made the imposter syndrome a little worse. As my wife has pointed out before: The issue is that I am Autistic, but I don’t look/act the way people generally expect from an Autistic person.

All that to say, you’re not alone in that.